Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”

Thursday, 25 January 2007 – Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”

It is just like 100 days ago, 63 days ago, 45 days ago. No matter what I do, karma, God, whoever you think is the higher power in your life is getting back at me. It is so wrong to think it, but maybe I should just have died. When our cars collided yesterday… maybe I should just have died!

I was in a car accident last night. I am okay, except for a sore leg where the car hit me. The medics checked me out and nothing is broken but my muscles are so sore I can hardly move my leg or walk on it. I have a few bruises and cuts, but other than that I’m still alive. My car, however, doesn’t look that good. If you look at the car I think it is a miracle that I wasn’t hurt badly. My doors, my dash, even the umbrella in my boot (totally on the other side of the car) was broken in bits. My windows all broke from the impact and even the glasses on my face were propelled from my face onto the other car.

I stood there thinking… I don’t have the energy for this, my mother, my father – they don’t have the energy for this. We are still going through on of the most challenging things I think can happen to a family or a person, last week saw the changes at work which has us all stressed to high levels and now, literally with a BANG comes the next problem. They don’t deserve this – BUT I DO!

I have done many wrongs in my life, especially towards my family and I think the scales needs a lot of work before they will ever balance. I have been flooded by people thanking me for my stories, the reality of it, my courage, my honesty and I sooth my conscience by thinking that at least I am doing good by writing this blog. Every day I am one day closer to repaying my debt. These blogs aren’t only my biggest saviour but for many, my life, my reality has shown them that they too can lead a better life.
This isn’t exactly the better life they were referring to, but yet again the writer(s) of my life story keeps me on my toes. I know these are all material things so I am very fortunate not to be hurt badly. Still this feeling of guilt hangs over me today like the rain clouds in this country at the moment. I know until I balance the scales everybody around me, especially my family, will still hurt and suffer!

Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"

Monday, 22 January 2007 - Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"

I don’t think I’m strong enough for that yet. I have thought about it, but it is just too dangerous. To most it would seem harmless enough but to me it is waving a carrot in front of a donkey. There are three movies I would like to see again, very much. Due to the topic of the movies – I am avoiding them for the moment.

“Trainspotting”, “Requiem for a Dream” and “Basketball Diaries” are some of the most brilliant drug stories you’ll ever see – especially about heroin addiction. “Basketball Diaries” was the first time Mark Wahlberg (who I knew from Calvin Klein underwear modeling) and Leonardo di Caprio (who I first saw on Growing Pains in 1992) worked together. They, along with one of my other favorite actors Matt Damon worked on a movie together again – “The Departed”. It is an absolutely brilliant piece of work. I sat through the 150 minute movie hoping it would never end.

Without giving anything about the plot away it is essentially about two people working under cover, leading double lives. I find the concept of a “double life” very intriguing. As I walked out of the movie I thought of how my own life was lived almost like a double life for a very long time. By myself I was a heroin addict, I stole, manipulated, cheated – all to keep my addiction going. Among my friends I pretended to be okay, like I wasn’t taking or wasn’t craving. In front of my family I was either trying to get clean or totally clean – that was my double life.

In the movie there is one line I want to quote: “I want my identity back…” Leonardo said this and I sat there saying the same to myself. Seven years ago my life went on a detour along a path that lead me to drugs. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to the highway – which is the proper course of my life - my identity! Then again, maybe the road I took wasn’t a detour – maybe all that happened was destined to happen this way and I’ve been on the highway this whole time – just getting a bit of traffic!

Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"

Sunday, 21 January 2007 - Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"

“Have you read my blog before?” that was the poll question for the past two weeks. Thank you to the almost 600 people that visited my blogspot page and to the 91 people that took the time to vote.

The results are:
I never miss an entry (63%)
I’ve read it a few times and find it very informative (20%)
It is the first time I’ve read it (12%)
I’ve stumbled apon it a few times (5%)

Thank you again to those that participated. The next two weeks is more of a discussion. Comment, e-mail whatever you need to do, but I would like the world’s input on this:

What do people do on weekdays, Fridays, Saturdays when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?

For most this might seem a simple question. To a person living in a very small city with limited entertainment, who has made drugs part of his live for 6 years – this is slightly harder.

Day 58/40 - "3 Feet Under (By TiN)"

Saturday, 20 January 2007 - Day 58/40 - "3 Feet Under (By TiN)"

Withdrawal is like 3 feet under,
Halfway to my grave...

Retching into the toilet bowl
Attacking the centre core of my soul,
This parasitic hunger yearns for release
But the signs say Don't feed the beast.
Sweating profusely from this narcotic low
Remember : " You reap what you sow"
The memory of numbness fades
Learning to live life AGAIN, my latest escapade.

I'm the type
Who used to live life through a straw or pipe
Believed all the hype

Now i stare in the mirror
Sunken eyes speak of past failure
'Who are you?
you stranger
Seeking escape
You're a drug addict for fucks sake

Recovery is like being born again
Learning to survive through this unbelievable pain
Withdrawal is like being 3 feet under :
Deep darkness and burning hunger.
Halfway to my grave,
Entrenched in addiction, I'm the slave

The road to freedom
Strengthens my reason
to conquer this issue,
With many more a tissue

I want to live, natural high, let me try...

3 Feet under...
My pipe, my straw
Halfway to your grave...

Withdrawal is like 3 feet under,
Halfway to my grave...

Posted with permission by a Fellow Recovering Addict - TiN (read more here)

Day 57/39 – “A brown christmas"

Friday, 19 January 2007 - Day 57/39 – “A brown Christmas"

Firstly, this might sound a bit presumptuous... but a few people have asked me to e-mail my blog to them everyday. Since, I am already doing this for a few friends I gladly do it. Should there be somebody else who want the blog mailed to them daily aswell, please send me your e-mail address at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za

Secondly, as I said last week on Saturdays I'll be posting something written by somebody else. Tomorrow's post is by a fellow recovering addict and is really a brilliant piece. On Sunday - a new poll to learn more about the drug habbits of the blogging world plus the results from the previous poll.

Thirdly, I think most of my friends will agree I have a good sense of humour. I hope you fill find the humour in the following video. There are so much negativity and depressing things to say about heroin and it is nice to sometimes just lay back, relax and even just smile.

I'm sure the intention when making it was not to offend anybody struggling with the problem, as it is also not mine by posting it. If I can find the humour in this... I'm sure anybody can!

Hope you have power long enough to watch. Let me know what you think!

Day 56/38 – “I had a dream… (remembering)"

Thursday, 18 January 2007 - Day 56/38 – “I had a dream… (remembering)"

There are still people out there confused about the numbers on the top of each blog. The first number is the days since I’ve been in recovery. The second number is the amount of days since I last took heroin. These numbers were never supposed to be different – but hey, things don’t always work out that way. Rest assured I have NOT taken. But I still remember the day that started the split, disappointing, angering and saddening a lot of people. Here is the original post from Tuesday, 12 December 2006 - Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."

I had a dream last night. A dream so vivid the particulars lies permanently imprinted in my mind. Every detail leaves me craving for more. I usually don’t remember my dreams – but the heroin dreams I never forget. Some dreams are so intensely real that they turn into wet-dreams. In my dream, I remember phoning the dealer, waiting for the pickup, preparing the heroin and injecting – it is all so real to me when I dream. At times my mind makes it so real that I have to pinch myself occasionally to make sure that I am still dreaming. I pinched myself last night… and found it wasn’t a dream anymore – this time it was real!

I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at myself, disappointed, looking for a reason: a good one, a bad one, anything that will help me understand – but there is nothing! I didn’t plan it, I didn’t want to take, I don’t want to take now – but it still happened.

My parents are furious. They almost kicked me out of the house last night, without a phone or a car. All my bank cards, credit cards, clothing cards were destroyed in anger. I know I messed up, what I don’t know is: Why!? I took less than a quarter of the quantity I normally took and I’m still sitting here in my towering drug high and never-ending sickness hoping I’ll figure out what triggered it – what can I do to avoid it next time? I am mere seconds away from being shipped to Rehab. If I as much as look in the wrong direction I’m off.

It is not easy writing today’s blog. Even though I made a promise when I started this blog to be truthful at all times - It breaks my heart to publicly admit I failed. I made it to Day 18 and in one minute of confident celebration at a clean drug test I lost it all again. I wasn’t sure if I should even continue with another post today. Doesn’t this just signal the inevitable end of My Heroin Recovery now?

I’m sorry, friends, that this had to be the topic for today. I have been trying to convince myself to keep on fighting. The person writing this blog entry today is a much stronger and wiser person than the one that wrote down the words ‘Day 1’. I made a mistake and regretted it 2 seconds after it happened. It was as if I was a 3rd person looking onto the events unable to say or do a thing, it was like I was just having a dream – a bad dream!

P.S) Three days left to vote on the poll on the right!

Day 55/37 – “Tom, Dick and Heroin"

Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - Day 55/37 – “Tom, Dick and Heroin"

The poem yesterday was written a while back. So, rest assured I was not in that kind of mood yesterday. Interestingly enough I started writing the poem before I ever even took heroin (but obviously thinking about taking…) and finished it while I was addicted to it.

I have increasingly been improving over the past few days. My pain, especially the depression, is slowly disappearing. I am so excited knowing that one of these days I am going to wake up and even the pain and discomfort I feel now will be a distant memory of my previous heroin use.

My day at the office yesterday was a disaster. Since it is work related I can’t reveal the problem – but it shook the whole company from cleaner to owner. I literally and strangely sat trembling in my chair after hearing the news. I’m not sure why, guess the news at that moment was just a bit unexpected and overwhelming.

I’m not sure if it is in my head or not, but after hearing the news yesterday I felt pretty bad again. Almost as if the pain in my muscles, joints, legs, bones and head – were all connected to my mood of the day – which I presume it could be. I got home last night and just lay down thinking. Mostly of the problems that was facing us and what I could to from my side to solve them. And then it occurred to me…

Here I was, facing one of the biggest, most stressful things that have happened in my 6 years with the company and I was handling it. The just-60-days-ago version of me would have found an excuse earlier on during the day to slip away and buy heroin. I would have been emotionless, oblivious to the problems, detached from finding a solution.

I got an e-mail yesterday of a person “proud” of my recovery and more importantly my honesty. I go through a day like this and although I am proud of my 55 days, I am most proud of days like these: My true sign of recovery, of making progress, of leaving that life behind and moving forward. When the day to day issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing to the dealer – are handled just like other people would – without drugs!

Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"

Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"

I hurt myself with a knife today.
Deeper marks different from the way I would normally play.
Marks to prove I was still alive, I could still feel the pain,
which after all of this bleeding I still contain.

I am dangerously close to stepping over this line.
This line of things and of people that I would normally decline.
Things I would never even dare to discover,
lying in my reach… in undecided hover.

I remember the feeling. I remember the time
when doing these things were a much bigger crime.
Perhaps not by law but by moral degree
were those substances we now too often see.

Dulled by habit and expensive addiction.
Fuelled by issues and dayly friction.
Kept alive through instigation.
Drugged to forget our obligation.
Organs damaged beyond restoration
to dance and dance till dehydration.
Calling the devil for my assasination.

Today it is me the devil is greeting.
After countless years of avoiding this meeting.
It is fate that has brought me here to accomplish my goal.
I am here to sell my soul!
To try the things of which I”ve always pondered
and to get the answers of which I’ve always wondered.

I am being chased by the dragon across the line
shaking hands with the devil for one last time.
There is no turning back from this poison I spray
While I hurt myself with a knife today!

Day 53/35 - "Gillmore Boys"

Monday, 15 January 2007 - Day 53/35 - "Gillmore Boys"

I met somebody a few days ago. I’ve been trying for two days to get the words to describe my feelings. I’m totally infatuated! We spend the whole night talking. It was like I was doing a scripted conversation in a “Gilmore Girls” episode. It was almost rhythmic, like a ball bouncing back and forth between us… each one with something to say.

Yes, I’m totally infatuated! It should imply that it is something romantic but… regrettably it is not. I won’t get the fairy tale ending just yet, for several reasons: sexual preference, an existing relationship and of course, the ever dangling heroin addiction.

I’m not supposed to be involved with anybody. Perhaps I’ve watched too many movies but I think I’m supposed to get a plant first. If the plant doesn’t die I can get a pet and if the pet lives I can move onto human beings. Unfortunately, I’ve never been good with keeping plans alive – so it is going to take a while!

My previous relationships were rocky. There were a lot of ups and downs and it was emotional at the best of times. I try and imagine a relationship in the future and wonder how I would react to those same situations now. Since, the other night won’t result in a relationship the best case scenario will be friends. But it will be friends with a very talented, interesting, funny, creative and intelligent human being.

My choices are much more responsible and grownup now. Any situation that could potentially let me even think of taking heroin again is totally avoided. So, even if cupid’s arrow hit us both the other night and we fell madly in love – I’m pretty sure having a relationship would be something I avoided!

Day 52/34 - "Me, myself and I!"

Sunday, 14 January 2006 - Day 52/34 - "Me, myself and I!"

Thank you to the people that have voted in the Poll this past week. 63 votes of whom 70% don't miss an entry. To those that haven't voted yet, hope you'll participate on the right.

Also, I am changing my avatar and need your opinion. As always I'm keeping it honest and real - so all of them are me... hope you'll help me chose a new one below!

Day 51/33 - "And then there were change..."

Saturday, 13 January 2006 - Day 51/33 - "And then there were change..."

Day 51 has arrived and it is time for a slight change to the format. From now on I'll be posting the entries on my recovery from Monday to Friday. Even now there are so much more to tell and as time goes by I hope to reveal all with the same honesty I have up to now. Saturdays, however I'll be posting an entry from related heroin stories, which I hope will inspire you as much as they do me! And every second Sunday there will be a new poll. I hope you'll participate to learn more about the drug habits of the blogging world.

I'll post a few options for a new avatar tomorrow. Hope you'll help me chose a new one for the next 50 days!

Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"

Friday, 12 January 2007 - Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"

Has anything changed? In 50 days of Heroin Recovery... how much of that old life is still being lived?

I walk through the house sometimes and when everybody is busy somewhere I get these flashbacks of how it used to be: How I used to wait for everybody to get away from the kitchen so that I could sneak out of the back door and get my drugs. I imagine sometimes when I walk out of my room they time me to see how long I take to get back. How much time do I spend in the kitchen? Do I go out the back door and if so, where do I go?

Do they wonder where I go on Saturdays? I have this routine where I go to watch a movie at the cinema every Saturday. As I've always done I go alone. Do they wonder if I actually go? How long do I stay there? Who do I meet? What do I buy?

Or what do I buy when they give me money? I don't get to handle money that much anymore. I don't have control over any of my accounts, credit cards, loans - nothing! But then again, they are all maxed out, over limit, overdue - so I can't do much with them anyway. When I go out I have to ask for money, a sort of allowance. The amount usually differs depending on where I go but sometimes it is the equivalent of what heroin would have costed before. When I take the money I wonder if they think I'm going to buy heroin with it!

When I'm out with friends and I drive back home alone, my friends call to check up on me. They phone to make sure I got home safe and didn't do something stupid along the way - like buy heroin, of course. When I go home I try and drive as fast as possible. I always anticipate that call from my mother or from my friends asking why I'm taking so long? Did I stop somewhere? It only takes mere minutes to get drugs - any delay could make anybody suspicious!

When I get home it always seems asif my parents are looking at my arms. Trying to catch a track mark without grabbing my arms and checking. I feel so self-conscious moving my arms in any position. If I fold it, do they think I am hiding something? When I walk into the door and the light falls on my eyes - how big are my pupils? If I'm tired - how sleepy do I look? Do they think I just took Heroin?

50 days have passed and still I find myself paranoid at my own actions and the thoughts of others. The lifestyle I lived before is still with me everyday. I am still reminded of what I did sitting here, moving anywhere in the house or going out.

I celebrate today because I have reached a point where I never thought I could be. 50 days ago this day was unthinkable. My mind could not grasp a time where heroin would not be ruling my life. I only hoped I had the strength to get here and now I am here! But on this day I realize that the fight is only beginning. Every day brings a new phase, a new challenge, a new obstacle to overcome. Some as a direct result of my heroin use, others subsequent affects of it.

To my friends and my family who stood by me for these 50 days. The good days, the bad days, the depressing and the sore days. To the people who looked after me, protected me, locking me away sometimes. To the bloggers who read and don't comment, to the comforting words of those that do or to those that e-mail or instant message. To all those that has been with me these past 50 days or to those that stumbled upon the blog a few days back - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there supporting me!

I imagine the next 50 days will be spend much more in the real world. Returning more and more to the life of a normal person but so being faced with more and more obstacles that will try and hurt my recovery. I find comfort in the fact that I write this blog today and I am willing to fight off anything thrown my way. I am willing to go to any lengths to be writing this blog and thanking you again in another 50 days!

Day 49/31 - "A hundred and one (part 2)"

Thursday, 11 January 2007 - Day 49/31 - "A hundred and one (part 2)"

Continues from Part 1...

After reading Part 1, I doesn't really seem like I give my parents as much time to heal as I want for myself. That was not my intention with the first part. I decided to include it as a background for part 2...

When my mother and I both calmed down and spoke rationally about it, I began to understand a bit of where she was coming from. She didn't just worry about me taking again, even though that was the first thing she said to me. I have been overly depresed, sore and tired the last few days. Going to Joburg meant more than a three hour drive there, meeting the whole day and then the drive back - all my myself. So, the concern wasn't just a relapse but more if I could physically handle such a long day alone.

So, it might seem that I am very selfish in my reaction but I hope that you see my side aswell. I beg of you not to take this as a 'cry for help' or 'attention'. I am not faking my own death (as that is becoming popular these days)... this is my life... this is my heroin recovery!

I love my parents. I love them more than I love anybody else on this earth. They are the reason I am alive today. I might have been the one that decided to stop taking heroin - but THEY kept me alive to get to the day where I could make that decision. I know for a fact I would have been in jail or dead if it weren't for them helping me through this time. And while they were helping me, giving me everything they had, I was using, abusing and hurting them. Day by day I continued to crush them without showing any remorse. I can never, not for one day, by any action make up or repay them for that - EVER!

But I do one thing even if it is for us all to sleep better at night - I stay clean! Seeing my mother like I did this morning - breaks my heart. Seeing their faces when I go out or when I come back at night, those questioning, hoping eyes, praying that I didn't take again - breaks my heart. It is when I see them like that again, that the thoughts of 'why am I doing this?' runs in my mind. I am finished. I am totally exausted. The fighting I have in me each day barely gets me to bed at night. Tomorrow I go through it all again - because I know I will never be here again. I will never feel like this ever again. But more importantly, and this is the reason for the blog entry, I will never hurt my parents like this again!

If that day counter resets to one - you will not see me make an entry for day two. People often critizie suicide because you leave people behind that care about you, that have to hurt and wonder while you are gone. My parents will not hurt or wonder when I am gone. They will know! They will know that they will rather have a dead son than a heroin addict again!

Day 48/30 - "A hundred and one (part 1)"

Wednesday, 10 January 2007 - Day 48/30 - "A hundred and one (part 1)"

Why am I even doing this? Why am I putting myself though this? Why can't I just get into my car right now and go get high and forget about the world?

This is how I felt this morning. I can't even recall all the thoughts or feelings surrounding it. I can just remember one thing. My mother crying. Crying like she caught me with a needle in my arm. Hurting like she found me stealing money from her handbag. Day 48 and I stood next to her while she cried, speechless. It felt like nothing changed!

I need to go to Johannesburg tomorrow for business. This is very last minute. I am the only person that can represent the company on this issue - so there is really no one else to send. When I was told this, I immediately thought to myself that my parents might not like the idea. They might have their concerns but, worst case scenario is I'll get the usual warnings and all is good. After all, I have been showing nothing but progress leading up to this point.

When I told my mother I had to go she went balistic - I mean hysterical. I didn't know what to say. She stood there crying, carying on, on how I could even consider going! What if I took again? And how can I blame her for feeling this way?

I sat there thinking how I've been waking up depressed and sore and tired every morning. How I go out with friends and my parents still sit up worrying if I'm going to take again. How I still have to explain every move I make, every sent I spend! A trip like this comes along and the first thing she says to me is 'what if I take again?', 'how can they trust me?', 'how can I go alone?' If this is what I do to myself and more importantly my parents WITHOUT taking heroin - then why did I stop? I am still going to hurt tomorrow, anyway! They are still going to worry tomorrow, anyway! Their tears, distrust, warnings - it will all be there tomorrow, anyway!

Then why am I doing this?

Part 2 continues...

Day 47/29 - "Taking again"

Tuesday, 9 January 2007 - Day 47/29 - "Taking again"

There are still good and bad days when it comes to the pain of the withdrawal. It is a topic for another day, but I'm still withdrawing. I used to wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just took again to see if the pain would go away. You know how it goes, just once, just one time and then never again. Just once to have that feeling again, just once to let all the physical and emotional pain go away.

I don't recall thinking about any of this on the Monday I last took. Maybe it was a part of the motivation. I was struggling with the pain for quite a while and it wasn't looking like it was lighting up. Heroin would take it all away!

It did - take the pain away. For a while at least. It was an infomercial promising to relieve you of all your pain, all your worries, all of it gone - or your money back! But the side affects were still there. It still hurt the people around me, more now than it did before. It still dragged me down to an intellect-, a hygiene-, a zombie lebel of a person I was never supposed to be. I would come down off heroin eventually and the hurt would just have increased. It solved nothing!

Or perhaps not nothing. Statistically I would have taken sooner or later. Taking that day made it clear to me how dangerous heroin was to me now. It wasn't the slow acting poison like it used to be, it was rapid now. It would have no mercy when it came to dragging me down to those levels again. I don't deny that there was a part of me that still wanted to take one day, someday in the future. But on that Monday that part of me died!

Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"

Monday, 8 January 2007 - Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"

I never knew how fast it was. It took between 2 - 4 seconds before you felt the rush throughout your whole body. When I was withdrawing and I injected it took away the pain immediately, the pain disappearing all over your body as the heroin spreads through it. It was a like a snake bit me and the poison was numbing my body until I felt nothing.

One of the places I usually felt nothing was the local mall. The parking lot at the mall was one of the places I used to spike heroin. I was there again, last week. I sat on the sidewalk and looked at the parking places. It was usually the destination of every outing. My first call when I left the house, or sometimes when I was still in the house, was to the dealer. My first stop was at the pickup point, usually just around the corner and then I stopped at the mall. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to the mall. The heroin haunted me and I impatiently stopped next to a road somewhere and injected there.

I felt strangely proud of myself sitting there in the parking lot last week. I was on the other side of a wall I never thought I would get over. Every time I visited the mall it kept getting higher and higher. Last week I was there alone. I could have so easily picked up the phone, made that call and landed up on the wrong side of that wall again – but I didn’t want to!

I still think about it everyday. The thoughts have changed a lot, but not a day goes by that it doesn’t come into play. Sometimes the thoughts are stronger than others, sometimes the craving is too. But I have come to point where “No”, is the default to the questions I ask in my head. “Never” is the response to the cravings in my body. Rejection is what I show to the other side of that wall!

Day 45/27 - "He knew"

Sunday, 7 January 2007 - Day 45/27 - "He knew"

He knew he was going to die. He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he would never be able to separate from it. He knew each time he pushed the needle into his collapsing veins that sooner or later his organs, his body, his life would all fail him. One by one they would leave him until the only thing that remained was the last bit of breath he blew from his body, that and the damage of heroin.

I can remember him like I saw him yesterday. It was a sight that most people should never get to see, especially not his parents. He was lying there, wild eyes, yellowish face, sunken eyes. I had never seen anybody like this before. He was delusional, most of the times he didn’t know where he was – but he kept saying “Sorry!” Sorry for the things he has done, sorry for letting it all go this far, sorry for dying.

He knew he was going to die. He wrote in his diary prior to his death that he knew he wasn’t going to live a long life. He told me on several occasions how he couldn’t stand the withdrawal and would rather keep on taking the drugs than face it. I think he knew his body wouldn’t be able to take much more.

I visited him in hospital that day. I looked at him lying there. We weren’t the best of friends but he was always good to me. He stood up for me, protected me – we spend a lot of time together. And there I was hours after taking heroin myself helplessly staring at him, unable to protect him.

In the midst of my emotionless staring I thought to myself I don’t want to end up like this. I don’t want to put my parents through this, this stress, this pain, this uncertainty. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to stop. I thought to myself if there was a switch I could flip to make it all go away I would have done it a long time ago. But even with him lying there, staring death in the face neither of us could switch it off. The first chance either of us got we would have gone to find heroin.

But he never made it that far. His funeral was a week after that day. I entered the church with not much recollection of how much heroin I took just moments before. My eyes were dim and my pupils were hardly visible. I sat down and nodded off occasionally as the heroin spread through my body, listening to the story of his life.

A story of a boy that lost his life at such a young age. Heroin only had him in its clutches for 10 months, 7 of those he was on heroin, but during that time he used 10 times as much as me. Thinking back at the times we took heroin together I realize that each time we took it was minutes closer to his death – to mine... He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he knew most of all he would never be able to separate from it. He knew he was going to die!

Please vote on the poll on the right

Day 44/26 - "Poll 2"

Saturday, 6 January 2006 - Day 44/26 - "Poll 2"

This weeks poll (please vote on the right):
Have you read any of my blogs on "My Heroin Recovery" before?

Last weeks poll (Results):
Have you ever taken drugs?

I have tried drugs, but not heroin (42 votes) - 61.8%
Drugs! Never! (22 votes) - 32.4%
I have injected heroin! (3 votes) - 4.4%
I have smoked but NOT injected heroin (1 vote) - 1.5%
I want to try drugs! (no votes) - 0%

Day 43/25 - "All too easy"

Friday, 5 January 2007 - Day 43/25 - "All too easy"

My whole life was like one of those movies where you live the same day over and over again until you finally get it right. For months I was living this same day and messing it up every time. I knew I had the strength inside of me but it started to look like heroin was stronger than me.

There was a time I didn’t think I would get over it. I was ready to throw in the towel. I think at many occasions my parents probably felt the same. If death was what heroin was going to do me then so be it, but I couldn’t fight any more. We all say and do things when we are angry, hurt or tired. So, yes there was a time I think all of us hoped I would just die!

And then after all that… one day I just woke up and decided to fight back and never live the life of a drug addict again. It all seems too easy, doesn’t it?! I blame it on the rest of the world. They kept insisting that I wouldn’t be able to do it without Rehab or that it wouldn’t just take a few weeks at home to get better. Even my parents have been asking it a lot lately: “doesn’t it all seem too easy?” And to be truthfully honest at times I wonder about it myself. There was a time I was ready to die and look at me now…

But it isn’t that easy. I’m still tired and sick everyday. I’m still sore and depressed every day. I’m still broke and in debt every day. I’m still questioned and warned, doubted and watched every single day. But I keep fighting, I stay positive and optimistic – so that I can stay clean everyday!

Day 42/24 - "Rules of Engagement"

Thursday, 4 January 2007 - Day 42/24 - "Rules of Engagement"

Ouch, my aching head!
Why, oh, why did I drink that glass of wine…
and the one after that…
and the one after that…
ah, my aching head!

It is no secret that I am still consuming some alcohol. Every time I take a drink I am reminded just how dangerous it still is to me. One sip and I start getting these splitting headaches. I should probably listen to my body and stop!

I am not reckless or irresponsible at all. If I drink it is usually in a crowd and I don’t drive home alone. That way I can’t just stop somewhere to get heroin. But alcohol puts you in another frame of mind, as it is also a mind altering substance. And since I’m an addict when it comes to mind altering substances – I’m playing Russian roulette every time I drink!

Since the blog started many more people have started reading it. My family here and spread out across the country, the friends who see me on a regular basis or those that haven’t seen me in a while – they all have the blog address now. They know who I am, they know my number, and they know my parents. My boss, my colleagues, my brother, my parents – soon all will be reading.

It is a scary thought. It increasingly creates pressure on exactly how much of the truth I can comfortably tell. This is after all diary and from time to time bits of information might pop up that people that know me well – were never supposed to know. So, perhaps I’ll just practice a bit of discretion when it comes to matters not directly related to the recovery. If I start censoring the blog it kind of defeats one of the purposes. So, buckle up dear family, friends, colleagues and those ‘one night stands’, put the kiddies to bed and sit down for this – because all will still be revealed!