Day 15 - "Can I cry?"

Friday, 8 December 2006 - Day 15 - "Can I cry?"

Can I cry? Can I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling while I massage my restless and aching muscles? Can I lie under the covers while my body covers in goose-bumps? Can I hide away from the noise that beats in my ears or the boredom that hovers in everything I do? Maybe it will help to cry. Maybe then I won’t remember. Maybe then this will all be over. Can I cry?

It has been 15 days and I am still withdrawing. Whether it is from the heroin or the buprenorphine or the methadone - I don’t know. My body must be asking: Where is the drugs? Where is the freaking drugs? I just want to cry!

No… I’m not craving. In fact, through all the emotions today heroin is the last thing I want! All I keep thinking is what have I done! I drive past the streets I used to buy at. I see the people I used to buy from. All I can ask myself is: “What have I done?” The affects of this addiction haunts me still today – it doesn’t want to go away!

It is Friday - the 3rd Friday. I remember Friday nights. My stomach used to turn from the excitement. The phone calls started coming through in the afternoons to make arrangements for the night. Friday night was “Boys Night”, Friday night was “Party Night”. We would always meet up at a friend’s house after work. The details of the night were a mystery to all at that point, but it always ended wild, spontaneous and fun. It wasn’t heroin!

But Heroin came along and soon the Friday nights started dying. One by one I didn’t answer my phone, didn’t get together as planned, lied to get away – all to meet up with my precious heroin. The once funky, bubbly, outgoing person that was me slowly faded to a drowsy, sneaky addict that wanted to be left alone.

I’ve been staring at the same walls for the past 8 months. It is straight to work and straight to home, straight to work and straight to home. My existence is a “straight to”, to the next four walled place that continues my confinement. I never minded. Every shot of heroin I took gave me a warm euphoric feeling that made me calm and relaxed. Time flew by. Being locked away in the house for days passed quite quickly while I sneaked the heroin in. When you stop taking heroin time slows down. A few hours can feel like days and days. This has been the longest 15 days of my life!

I’m really emotional today – Can you tell? It is probably because I know the weekend lies ahead and the most fun thing I’m going to do is “straight to” bed. I stopped my medication to be able to give my parents a test sooner. Now, it seems I’ll have to give my parents at least 3 clean test before they’ll grant me any freedom at all – that’s probably 3 weeks. I can’t even think that far ahead right now. Tell me… can I cry?