Day 20/2 - "Messing up impulsively"

Wednesday, 13 December 2006 - Day 20/2 - "Messing up impulsively"

I want to turn back the time so badly. If I just focused a bit more I would have seen some of the signs. I was so pre-occupied with the test on Monday that I didn’t see any of them. My stomach was turning the whole morning and I kept getting nauseous. I wasn’t feeling well at all – but tests normally made me feel that way – so I wasn’t really alarmed at the time.

I was so happy to be let out of the confinement. I was going to get this test and prove to everybody how serious I was about this recovery and good I was doing. The moment was short lived. I didn’t even get to share my test before I messed it all up again.

I’ve been going over the events of Monday over and over again. The only thing close to being different that day was a voltaren injection I got that morning. I am aware that heroin addicts get addicted to needles as well. Receiving an injection that morning, even it if was voltaren, could easily have triggered something in a mind which is keen to start up an old habit again!

I want my parents to understand. I want them to know I didn’t plan to go out and buy drugs. I want them to know if I had seen the signs I would stayed right were I was. I would have stayed away from any situations that could cause me to take again. I’m in such a better place right now, I want to get better. I don’t know what to say – except it wasn’t planned.

The plans of the weekend will obviously change. This weekend was supposed to be my first time out. I would never do anything to jeopardize that big moment. Now, I’m faced with my narrowing four walls again. I keep taking two steps back and slowly move one step forward as I continue messing up impulsively!