Day 4 - "Apologizing"

Monday, 27 November 2006 - Day 4 - "Apologizing"

I am sitting at work, cluelessly staring at the computer screen. I’m trying desperately to concentrate on work but I can’t focus. Not on work anyway, the only thing that is in my mind is Heroin. But rest assured it isn’t overwhelming thoughts of taking again. I’m thinking of my life: what I’ve done to get here, what I’m going to do from here on. This overpowering feeling of guilt hovers in my mind. I’ve done so many wrongs I can’t imagine where to start to fix it.

It is Day four. I feel much better than yesterday both physically and emotionally. Mentally my mind is working overtime. One might start to think it is all over because the pain you feel is not as bad as it was in the beginning. It is at this time that my mind convinces me that everything will be okay if I only take one more time. Just one problem: I’m an addict, and I cannot stop! I know if I take just once I’ll be back at square 1. And believe me – my footprints are becoming a permanent feature on that square.

I’m on so much medication right now I find myself a bit detached at times. Yesterday (the day after the incident) I was barely spoken to in the tension filled house. Everybody is still mad – probably because I haven’t apologized. And because of the medicine I probably don’t look sorry either. The thing is - I’ve done it before… I’ve stood in front of them after disappointing them again. I acknowledged that I messed up and I promised never to do it again. But it is only a day or two before those promises lie forgotten and I take again.

This whole experience is this chaotic rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, week after week. This time I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t know how to show them that I’m sorry and that I’m really trying. Words out of this addict’s mouth have little meaning at this point. I guess all I can do is hope they’ll bare with me – while I show them this time is different than the other times!