Day 5 - "Positive Reflection"

Tuesday, 28 November 2006 - Day 5 - "Positive Reflection"

I started this day much the same as I start most days. Aching! Which is funny because I don’t remember Day 5 bringing so much physical pain. I’m thinking it is because I know I’ll probably never take again – I can’t just quickly slip out and go and score which is probably making it hurt even more (mind over matter I keep telling myself). Besides the hurting, I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin – which is slowly irritating me and distracting me from my work. I really need a day off!

Perhaps it is best to keep busy – or look busy at work. I think that so much time alone will just invite the devil – and he and I have never been a good combination. I realize today that my mind is still trying desperately to convince me I need heroin. I keep getting these thoughts: how the only thing that will make the bone and muscle pain, the depression, insomnia, diarrhea and vomiting stop – is more heroin. So, it is not surprising that I normally cave on this day every time. But not this time, bloggers!

Can you tell I’m much more positive than the preceding four days? Well, if you can’t – I am! For the first time in ages I feel hopeful that I can beat this disease. My best friend (who I will refer to as GM) came to visit me today. Unfortunately because he is also a recovering heroin addict we are not allowed to see each other at the moment. That part has also been especially difficult for me. We used to do everything together. You name it and we overdid it. Now… we have to keep our distance. We both realize, though, it is for the best and we simply aren’t good for each other at this point.

This struggle of mine has been going on for the past year. I only recently found these blogs and have found amazing comfort in sharing my thoughts and feelings while I try and recover. The support I have out there, mostly in people I have never met gives me strength to try my best every day. I will always stay an addict, but at least now I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict!