Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"

Monday, 8 January 2007 - Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"

I never knew how fast it was. It took between 2 - 4 seconds before you felt the rush throughout your whole body. When I was withdrawing and I injected it took away the pain immediately, the pain disappearing all over your body as the heroin spreads through it. It was a like a snake bit me and the poison was numbing my body until I felt nothing.

One of the places I usually felt nothing was the local mall. The parking lot at the mall was one of the places I used to spike heroin. I was there again, last week. I sat on the sidewalk and looked at the parking places. It was usually the destination of every outing. My first call when I left the house, or sometimes when I was still in the house, was to the dealer. My first stop was at the pickup point, usually just around the corner and then I stopped at the mall. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to the mall. The heroin haunted me and I impatiently stopped next to a road somewhere and injected there.

I felt strangely proud of myself sitting there in the parking lot last week. I was on the other side of a wall I never thought I would get over. Every time I visited the mall it kept getting higher and higher. Last week I was there alone. I could have so easily picked up the phone, made that call and landed up on the wrong side of that wall again – but I didn’t want to!

I still think about it everyday. The thoughts have changed a lot, but not a day goes by that it doesn’t come into play. Sometimes the thoughts are stronger than others, sometimes the craving is too. But I have come to point where “No”, is the default to the questions I ask in my head. “Never” is the response to the cravings in my body. Rejection is what I show to the other side of that wall!