Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"

Friday, 12 January 2007 - Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"

Has anything changed? In 50 days of Heroin Recovery... how much of that old life is still being lived?

I walk through the house sometimes and when everybody is busy somewhere I get these flashbacks of how it used to be: How I used to wait for everybody to get away from the kitchen so that I could sneak out of the back door and get my drugs. I imagine sometimes when I walk out of my room they time me to see how long I take to get back. How much time do I spend in the kitchen? Do I go out the back door and if so, where do I go?

Do they wonder where I go on Saturdays? I have this routine where I go to watch a movie at the cinema every Saturday. As I've always done I go alone. Do they wonder if I actually go? How long do I stay there? Who do I meet? What do I buy?

Or what do I buy when they give me money? I don't get to handle money that much anymore. I don't have control over any of my accounts, credit cards, loans - nothing! But then again, they are all maxed out, over limit, overdue - so I can't do much with them anyway. When I go out I have to ask for money, a sort of allowance. The amount usually differs depending on where I go but sometimes it is the equivalent of what heroin would have costed before. When I take the money I wonder if they think I'm going to buy heroin with it!

When I'm out with friends and I drive back home alone, my friends call to check up on me. They phone to make sure I got home safe and didn't do something stupid along the way - like buy heroin, of course. When I go home I try and drive as fast as possible. I always anticipate that call from my mother or from my friends asking why I'm taking so long? Did I stop somewhere? It only takes mere minutes to get drugs - any delay could make anybody suspicious!

When I get home it always seems asif my parents are looking at my arms. Trying to catch a track mark without grabbing my arms and checking. I feel so self-conscious moving my arms in any position. If I fold it, do they think I am hiding something? When I walk into the door and the light falls on my eyes - how big are my pupils? If I'm tired - how sleepy do I look? Do they think I just took Heroin?

50 days have passed and still I find myself paranoid at my own actions and the thoughts of others. The lifestyle I lived before is still with me everyday. I am still reminded of what I did sitting here, moving anywhere in the house or going out.

I celebrate today because I have reached a point where I never thought I could be. 50 days ago this day was unthinkable. My mind could not grasp a time where heroin would not be ruling my life. I only hoped I had the strength to get here and now I am here! But on this day I realize that the fight is only beginning. Every day brings a new phase, a new challenge, a new obstacle to overcome. Some as a direct result of my heroin use, others subsequent affects of it.

To my friends and my family who stood by me for these 50 days. The good days, the bad days, the depressing and the sore days. To the people who looked after me, protected me, locking me away sometimes. To the bloggers who read and don't comment, to the comforting words of those that do or to those that e-mail or instant message. To all those that has been with me these past 50 days or to those that stumbled upon the blog a few days back - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there supporting me!

I imagine the next 50 days will be spend much more in the real world. Returning more and more to the life of a normal person but so being faced with more and more obstacles that will try and hurt my recovery. I find comfort in the fact that I write this blog today and I am willing to fight off anything thrown my way. I am willing to go to any lengths to be writing this blog and thanking you again in another 50 days!