Day 48/30 - "A hundred and one (part 1)"

Wednesday, 10 January 2007 - Day 48/30 - "A hundred and one (part 1)"

Why am I even doing this? Why am I putting myself though this? Why can't I just get into my car right now and go get high and forget about the world?

This is how I felt this morning. I can't even recall all the thoughts or feelings surrounding it. I can just remember one thing. My mother crying. Crying like she caught me with a needle in my arm. Hurting like she found me stealing money from her handbag. Day 48 and I stood next to her while she cried, speechless. It felt like nothing changed!

I need to go to Johannesburg tomorrow for business. This is very last minute. I am the only person that can represent the company on this issue - so there is really no one else to send. When I was told this, I immediately thought to myself that my parents might not like the idea. They might have their concerns but, worst case scenario is I'll get the usual warnings and all is good. After all, I have been showing nothing but progress leading up to this point.

When I told my mother I had to go she went balistic - I mean hysterical. I didn't know what to say. She stood there crying, carying on, on how I could even consider going! What if I took again? And how can I blame her for feeling this way?

I sat there thinking how I've been waking up depressed and sore and tired every morning. How I go out with friends and my parents still sit up worrying if I'm going to take again. How I still have to explain every move I make, every sent I spend! A trip like this comes along and the first thing she says to me is 'what if I take again?', 'how can they trust me?', 'how can I go alone?' If this is what I do to myself and more importantly my parents WITHOUT taking heroin - then why did I stop? I am still going to hurt tomorrow, anyway! They are still going to worry tomorrow, anyway! Their tears, distrust, warnings - it will all be there tomorrow, anyway!

Then why am I doing this?

Part 2 continues...