Day 49/31 - "A hundred and one (part 2)"

Thursday, 11 January 2007 - Day 49/31 - "A hundred and one (part 2)"

Continues from Part 1...

After reading Part 1, I doesn't really seem like I give my parents as much time to heal as I want for myself. That was not my intention with the first part. I decided to include it as a background for part 2...

When my mother and I both calmed down and spoke rationally about it, I began to understand a bit of where she was coming from. She didn't just worry about me taking again, even though that was the first thing she said to me. I have been overly depresed, sore and tired the last few days. Going to Joburg meant more than a three hour drive there, meeting the whole day and then the drive back - all my myself. So, the concern wasn't just a relapse but more if I could physically handle such a long day alone.

So, it might seem that I am very selfish in my reaction but I hope that you see my side aswell. I beg of you not to take this as a 'cry for help' or 'attention'. I am not faking my own death (as that is becoming popular these days)... this is my life... this is my heroin recovery!

I love my parents. I love them more than I love anybody else on this earth. They are the reason I am alive today. I might have been the one that decided to stop taking heroin - but THEY kept me alive to get to the day where I could make that decision. I know for a fact I would have been in jail or dead if it weren't for them helping me through this time. And while they were helping me, giving me everything they had, I was using, abusing and hurting them. Day by day I continued to crush them without showing any remorse. I can never, not for one day, by any action make up or repay them for that - EVER!

But I do one thing even if it is for us all to sleep better at night - I stay clean! Seeing my mother like I did this morning - breaks my heart. Seeing their faces when I go out or when I come back at night, those questioning, hoping eyes, praying that I didn't take again - breaks my heart. It is when I see them like that again, that the thoughts of 'why am I doing this?' runs in my mind. I am finished. I am totally exausted. The fighting I have in me each day barely gets me to bed at night. Tomorrow I go through it all again - because I know I will never be here again. I will never feel like this ever again. But more importantly, and this is the reason for the blog entry, I will never hurt my parents like this again!

If that day counter resets to one - you will not see me make an entry for day two. People often critizie suicide because you leave people behind that care about you, that have to hurt and wonder while you are gone. My parents will not hurt or wonder when I am gone. They will know! They will know that they will rather have a dead son than a heroin addict again!