Day 47/29 - "Taking again"

Tuesday, 9 January 2007 - Day 47/29 - "Taking again"

There are still good and bad days when it comes to the pain of the withdrawal. It is a topic for another day, but I'm still withdrawing. I used to wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just took again to see if the pain would go away. You know how it goes, just once, just one time and then never again. Just once to have that feeling again, just once to let all the physical and emotional pain go away.

I don't recall thinking about any of this on the Monday I last took. Maybe it was a part of the motivation. I was struggling with the pain for quite a while and it wasn't looking like it was lighting up. Heroin would take it all away!

It did - take the pain away. For a while at least. It was an infomercial promising to relieve you of all your pain, all your worries, all of it gone - or your money back! But the side affects were still there. It still hurt the people around me, more now than it did before. It still dragged me down to an intellect-, a hygiene-, a zombie lebel of a person I was never supposed to be. I would come down off heroin eventually and the hurt would just have increased. It solved nothing!

Or perhaps not nothing. Statistically I would have taken sooner or later. Taking that day made it clear to me how dangerous heroin was to me now. It wasn't the slow acting poison like it used to be, it was rapid now. It would have no mercy when it came to dragging me down to those levels again. I don't deny that there was a part of me that still wanted to take one day, someday in the future. But on that Monday that part of me died!