Day 105 – “Travelling to nowhere!”

Thursday, 8 March 2007
Day 105 / 28 (59) – “Travelling to nowhere!”

The Polokwane show started yesterday. I went primarily for the live performances they had there. However, I was all alone! I wasn’t alone because I chose not to have anybody with me, even though I guess at times I would make myself believe that. No, I was alone because out of all the people I knew, all the acquaintances I had only a handful of them remained. And searching between them I probably wouldn’t find anybody to share this moment with.

This whole week has been one depressing thought after another. It’s not just the thought of being alone in my sexual or relationship life, its being alone in my friendship life. I saw somebody last night that reminded me so much of my ex. I sent an SMS to say that I missed my EX and got a reply back that the feeling was mutual. That was a bit unexpected. Just too bad the relationship never worked out and now the distance between us makes it impossible.

I took a break form the usual blog routine. Actually a break from anything routine in my life – except going to work. I just needed… I don’t know... a holiday! Since this whole addiction started, before my parents knew, before I even knew I had a problem - I haven’t had a day off. It has been working and recovering or trying at least for long over a year. And with all the stuff at work I can’t really take a break now so it will continue like this for a few more weeks.

Let’s say by some miracle I do get off, where would I honestly go with the huge debt free salary I get to deposit into my bank account every month? And yes, friends that is my attempt at sarcasm. And staying at home is really no holiday either. As much as I love my family I’ve been locked away with them for way too long.

And if I ignored the bunch of debtors on my tail and spent money on a holiday I’m sure I’d leave my family behind worrying if I was okay. Was I contacting one of the dealer’s brothers or uncles or nephews spread across the country for my next fix?

I guess then its good that I can’t take off from work. This way I don’t have to face any of those difficult decisions and everybody can rest easily, well, almost everybody!