Day 100 – “Hundred!”

Saturday, 3 March 2007
Day 100 / 23 (59) – “Hundred!”

I remember it like it was yesterday. I had this overwhelming drive to get better, but the control of heroin was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. One moment I was so sincere, genuine in my intentions to stop, to break the habit, to relief the pain I was inflicting on my precious family and on own life – the next I was craving so bad that none of it mattered. I didn’t know who I was anymore, my identity was lost. I was heroin’s pawn.

A 100 days later I am free. I can say that and I can mean it. Perhaps not free from addiction as that is a struggle I have had all my life. Perhaps not free from heroin – as it will always lurk in the shadows looking over my shoulder. But free to make my own choices again. Free to decide for myself to regress or grow, to be known as a junky or to be in recovery.

A 100 days ago I decided exactly that. To recover! I remember thinking how useless it all was. You hoped that this time would be the time, but deep down inside I knew I was powerless towards heroin. I wanted heroin badly and decided to write, I didn’t care who listened, who read, who liked it or rejected it. I was ready to explode and need to get it out there.

Something happened. People read it and supported me. They didn’t know me. In fact from the few lines I wrote those few days all that they could know about me was that I was a heroin addict. A quality that usually sends people packing. But they stayed and they read. What started off as a few comforting words from bloggers that happened upon my site ended up as a massive support system from people that read the blog religiously.

No matter how hard it was that day, how many tears were spilled or disastrous secrets revealed I could always count on them to listen. No matter how much I wanted to take heroin or how bad I felt for taking it again – they were there supporting me. These people that hardly knew me.

I hope very much that people will continue to read these daily entries for the next 100 days. It isn’t always the most suspense ridden story but it is always an honest portrayal of my heroin use and recovery. Whether you just happened upon this blog now or have been following from Day 1 – to you all I say thank you for listening to – MY HEROIN RECOVERY!