Day 41/23 - "Echo"

Wednesday, 3 January 2007 - Day 41/23 - "Echo"

She checks my arms, twists them around trying to find a hint of a needle mark somewhere. Even after weeks of not using I still have faint trackmarks on my arms – but you can see they are old. I’m confident because I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t have to worry that she’ll see the needle marks on my arms or hidden away on my hands – because they aren’t there. They haven’t been there in quite a while. It hurts when she does this because it doesn’t feel like we’ve made any progress. Today, it doesn’t feel like I’m on day 41!

If I even think of taking drugs again; if I as much as look at a drug dealer; if they ever find out I’ve lied to them – they’ll kick me out. These are the warnings I hear on a regular basis. Last week I wanted to go to the movies and I started getting the warnings. This paranoid conversation where I was accused of mindlessly staring into the mirror, probably planning how I was going to get my drugs. My cell-phone was taken immediately, without even asking and checked for hints of any wrong doing. I didn’t even feel like going to the movies after that!

For eight months they came with the threats, limits, warnings, accusations, hurt, sorrow and even anger – none of it stopped me. If I didn’t want to stop taking heroin nobody would be able to make me stop. They could have sent me away for months and the first chance I got I would have been back at the dealer. It is harsh, but it is true!

But I do want to stop now! I am making every effort to insure I get rid and stay rid of heroin. So, I tell my mother that if I wanted to take heroin I would have done it already. I’ve had over a 100 opportunities over the past few weeks to do it, but I didn’t take. I didn’t want to. I am not going to!

I see their side as well. They are hurt and unsure, I get that. None of us will be able to forget about heroin because the affects are still in our everyday lives. I am doing better, better than I ever thought I would do again and sometimes it feels like they still don’t see that.

Am I overreacting? I want them to able to rest assured that I won’t take heroin when I go out, but the truth is that if heroin was what I wanted to do – no warning or plead would stop me! They know this… so why the warnings, why do I have to be reminded of heroin everyday?