Day 80/3 - "And then there were two... (Part 2)"

Sunday, 11 February 2007 - Day 80/3 - "And then there were two... (Part 2)"

I wanted it all to go away. This unsure butterfly feeling that hung over me like a storm cloud, I wanted it gone. I wanted piece and quiet in my heart, in my mind, in my life, at work… just… silence, emotionless, comforting silence… and the easy way out, the one thing that would take it all away, even if it was just for a few hours… was heroin!

And as much as you would like to understand as a non-addict and even sometimes as a non-heroin-addict, you probably can’t. You sit there reading this and can’t imagine how somebody that stayed clean for almost 60 days, could for any reason throw it all away.

You read this as one of the people that gave me their cellphone number, e-mail address or MSN address and you wonder why I didn’t contact you then if things were going that bad. Or you read this as a family member knowing how much this tore our family apart and you wonder why I would put them through it all again. I’m the addict here and I don’t even understand it!

There is a big part of me that still feel so guilty. I have taken a few steps back in my recovery. Everybody is a bit suspicious of my every move again and I can’t go out of the house without questions. I dented the trust I was already struggling to rebuild.

But I’m staying positive. Taking again is not something I want to do, even once, but it will or might happen and if it does I’m not going to sit in the corner and cry about it. I won’t let any of my friends or family members do either. It happened, its over and I’m moving on. The thing that scares me – is not the taking – it is the not stopping!