Day 130 - "A last resort"

Tuesday, 3 April 2007
Day 130 / 54 (59) - "A last resort"

Almost every heroin story I have ever read has either started or ended with Rehab. Every character with their struggle towards addiction faced the Rehab Center in some way or form. Some only once, some a lucky twice, others have spent more time in them than out.

I didn’t go! There were a lot of reasons. I kept saying I could do it without Rehab, this survival instinct inside of me that knew my limits and knew I hadn’t reached them yet. Work was another influence. We were extremely busy and under staffed at work. Having me gone even for a week was something the business couldn’t afford. But most people knew my situation and were supportive and helped to ‘keep watch’ and keep me in line. As I kept slipping up everybody was slowly realizing that the only way would eventually be to send me away. If I couldn’t stay clean this time – Rehab was the next stop.

It almost sounds like a threat, like Rehab was something to fear. In a way, I guess it was to me. Going to Rehab meant that I had to admit I wasn’t strong enough. What I’ve realized in my 130 days is that there is no shame in admitting that. Most people will never have the strength to get through this. Infact, I still find myself questioning somedays whether I have the strength!

Rehab to all of us was a last resort. I didn’t really want to go and my parents didn’t want to send me. In the end I gave it one last try. I had about 2 months to get clean – to prove I could stay clean. If I couldn’t do that, show them, show myself – I would willingly go.

Whether this was empty threats by my parents or the last resort of exhausted possibilities - I don’t know. Whether this reluctance towards Rehab was part of the motivation to get clean or part of the strength to stay clean – I don’t know. If it was, I guess Rehab did help me in a way. By not going, not wanting to go, not wanting to admit that maybe I needed to go – I didn’t have to go in the end!

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