Day 131 - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"

Wednesday, 4 April 2007
Day 131 / 55 (59) - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"

Dear Diary
Let me tell you how it’s going…

Physically
Mornings are still pretty bad. I wake up and lie in bed for almost an hour working up the courage to face the day. I think it must be the lying throughout the night that makes everything ache in the mornings. But as soon as I do get up and get moving it all disappears only returning just before I go to bed. I am trying to gain weight. I weighed 62kgs just a short while ago (and this for a guy that is almost 2 meters tall) but I have worked myself up to 69kgs. Now, I’m seriously trying to gain some weight and work on my fitness, which should help with those morning wake ups.

Emotionally
My emotions are still like a ride at an amusement park. Up and down, up and down, over and over again. One day I’m optimistic and happy and active and the next I’m something completely different. Slowly I can feel balance returning to the roller coaster and I can control most of what happens to me.

Relationship
I made a few posts on finding love and happiness and how it was important to me and
ow I felt I would never find it. I even contacted my ex and for a while it seemed as if things might actually work out in the end. Right now, it doesn’t look like it ever will – but I’m not bothered by it all. Still want it, still feel I might not get it – but I think I’m more optimistic now and at least trying.

Financially
We paid some of my accounts yesterday and after spending every sent I earned and most of the money my mother earned I still didn’t even pay everything. So, once again I’m expecting numerous ‘private number’ calls and warning SMSes throughout the month. The silver lining, however, is that one of my accounts was fully paid and closed yesterday. One down, Six thousand nine hundred and forty-two to go… hehehe

Family
I think we still have our ups and downs. But they know I’m trying my best to get my life back. They are still helping me in so many ways that I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay them. They are still cautious sometimes: If I’m acting weird or depressed or anything that looks out of the ordinary they are quick to check up on me. But I know it only helps me in the end to stay on the correct path.

General
Overall I think I’m doing brilliantly even if I say so myself. Who knew that the unhygienic, heroin addicted, stealing, cheating and manipulating guy that started this blog would eventually start getting his life back? You get days in this recovery when you can’t really say why you stopped. Bad days when you feel that the meaningless junky life you were leading was actually better than what you were trying to do now. And then you get days like today when it all makes sense again!