Day 333/4 – “Taking back"

My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 23 October 2007)
Day 333/4 – “Taking back”

There are not many moments in this life I will take back if I had the chance. Even my addiction to heroin questionably made me a better or stronger person in the end. If it indeed did then I shouldn’t wish to erase any of those experiences. Of course, when that experience comes at a price that the people around me must pay, an immense price for which none of them asked, then it can only be a moment to completely erase. Tonight is one of those moments. One that should never have happened. One, given the chance, I would easily take back.

I tried to take heroin again. Right now, the past few hours seem like the dumbest choices in my life but at that moment I was only thinking of one thing. It is like I’m a whole different person hunting down and taking heroin. A person that, as my family reminds me, doesn’t give a damn about the rest of them. Sadly, my parents were the ones that stopped me from taking – which means once again I disappointed, hurt and most definitely angered them.

This whole day I tried to be so strong and block out the craving, that nagging to go and get heroin. It is a screaming inside my head, an urge throughout my body that doesn’t want to keep quiet unless I silence it with heroin. I take a lot of medicine and even though they help for a lot of things that nagging will only stop when it gets heroin. For a moment today I thought I made it but I used the slightest gap to throw it all away, just like I would have done tomorrow and no doubtedly the day after that.

So, yes tonight feels like a moment I would gladly take back. I hate that it happened! Then again, because of it there is no way I’ll be taking tomorrow. It sounds bizarre but the best thing that could have happened to me was trying to take and my parents catching me. So, I guess it is one of those moments that just needs to stay – especially if it keeps me away from heroin for another day!