Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”

Flashback (Saturday, 27 October 2007)
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”

This piece was originally posted on 25 November 2007, on Day 2 of My Heroin Recovery. I can only smile at the similarities…

I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.

They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.

I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?

I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!