Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”

My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 26 October 2007)
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”

Today is Day 7. Strange saying that again, going from over 300 days to just 7. I must say that the time passes a lot faster than last time. Every day last year felt like an eternity, but I think that had a lot to do with the mess in my life that still had to be fixed. Even though this relapse shouldn’t be taken lightly at all – I don’t think the damage is the same as last time. Then again, given enough time it probably would have reached it again. If I could beat this last time when all the odds were against me, then I can certainly do it now.

For a moment today I was bombarded with issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing for heroin. It has become such a convenient escape… all I had to do was take heroin and everything was better (well… to me at least). In the process I leave all the sober people in my life to deal with the problems I should be dealing with. My parents have actually said on occasion that perhaps they should also have taken heroin thinking that they would then understand a lot of the things I do. I guess that point is arguable, since I often don’t know what the hell I’m doing!

One thing I am trying to do right is the medicine. Somebody asked during the week what medicine I was taking that allowed me to go back to work after just a weekend. The medicine I am on still for a few days is Subutex then I am switching to Physeptone/Methodone. In the mornings when I open my eyes it is the first thing I reach for and in those few moments before it starts working I must say I feel like sh*t. Unfortunately, it is also addictive so when and how much of it I take must be carefully monitored.

Soon I will leave all the medicine and I’ll have to live through the pain that took over 50 days last time before it went away. Even my teeth are acting up because of heroin and I will have to see a dentist next week. So, pain will come and go I guess but it is the price that I need to and will willingly pay to live a normal life again!