"Day 13 in Rehab"

Thursday, 22 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 13 in Rehab"
Rehab, 13 April 2008...

My whole approach to this clinic was about to change. I suddenly realized as I sat there in the foyer of the clinic that my first 12 days in Rehab was spent pleasing other people. My mood depended solely on what the group felt – if they were having a good day so was I and when they were having bad days I had them to. I spend so much time making friends and ‘being friendly’ that I haven’t changed anything about myself at all.

To make matters worse we had a family braai in the clinic yesterday. Almost all the people had some family or friends that came to visit except me of course. I felt so alone. Not even that much because my family couldn’t visit but because I didn’t know where to draw the line with my friendships in the clinic anymore. I lost a lot of fight. I thought I had a plan, I thought I was doing great but my bubble burst very quickly. I was clueless. I just wanted to sleep the whole day.

I went to bed very early. There was none of the normal nightly chats, the laughing and the board games. Until I knew how I had to proceed, until I knew where to draw the line I thought it better to keep my distance.

I am not allowed any injections while I’m in the clinic because not only do you crave the drugs but you crave the needle. So, I’ve hardly seen any needles since I’ve been here. Last night I hardly slept but the parts I did sleep I had a lot of nightmares. I dreamt about needles, about drugs… I dreamt about relapsing.