My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 22 July 2007)
Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”
My name is Christiaan and this is Day 240 in My Heroin Recovery.
It is 8 months ago that I started this road to recovery. Perhaps not exactly 8 clean months, but I have noticed in the grand scheme of things that it is really not so relevant. What is important is that I decided to change my life 8 months ago. If I didn’t make that decision that day – there would be no recovery to write about today.
I’ve been thinking the past week what I should do concerning my blogging on 24.com. After much consideration I have decided to stay for the time being. I tried out quite a few South African Blogging communities when I started my blog and out of all of them I liked 24.com the most. The people here are noticeably different and I could never imagine saying goodbye to all of them. Perhaps I sound like a bit of a hypocrite having won a place in the BlogOff competition more than once – but I truly hope they will stop the competition. Perhaps then we’ll get more people that actually say things again – it is after all why we are here.
There are still a few “secrets” that haven’t made it to the blog yet, some more consciously than others and I have decided to reveal some of it over the next few days. My other blogs which you may or may not know about on 24.com will also all be moving to this one, as well as my other home on blogspot.
With the changes and some perhaps not so well kept secrets being revealed I hope that everybody that find something useful in my blog will continue to visit it. Not sure if the look will change, not sure what the future will bring to write about – but it will still be about Christiaan and His Heroin Recovery!
Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”
Day 238 – “Ashes to Ashes”
Friday, 20 July 2007
Day 238 – “Ashes to Ashes”
It is the most awful sound I’ve ever heard. Every shovel full of dirt landing on the coffin made it more and more real to me. He wasn’t going to stand up. I wouldn’t be bumping into him in town. His father, his brother, his daughter, his wife – they would never see him again.
I went to a funeral today, my third funeral in just over a year. This was the first time I went to an open grave and I found myself much more emotional than I thought I would be. We weren’t best of friends but we were close enough. He seemed to touch so many people wherever he went always making lasting relationships and friendships. You could see that by the amount of people that attended his funeral.
He was only a few months older than I was and obviously still had his whole life ahead of him. A car accident the weekend claimed his life including that of 6 other people. If you think to yourself that there is a person in this world that least deserves this tragic fate – then it is probably him.
The two previous funerals I was at, I was still using heroin, so the impact of what was happening didn’t really hit me at that time. One tend to realize only at events like these how short life is and the time we have on earth is uncertain to everyone. And more importantly you have to ask yourself if the way you are living is that of a person that touched lives and will be remembered.
Rest in peace my friend, you will be remembered and dearly missed!
Day 236 – “Click, click…”
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Day 236 – “Click, click…”
Polokwane has been zooming the past few days with news of a boy and girl that had sex outside one of the clubs we have here. Of course, it was filmed by onlookers and one of the videos was so clear they could make out the identity of the kids. I just saw one of the videos taken and to my surprise it wasn’t in a car as I originally thought. These very drunk or very horny teenagers decided to do it hardly hidden away in a spot close to the entrance of the club. Must say I’ve never had that good of a night out at the club!
I’m still in Polokwane at the moment and unsure as to when I’ll go to Pretoria for training. Meanwhile I’m getting hands on training with the various jobs that need to be completed this side. I am still very happy with the job. It has already thrown me a few curve balls and not one single day has been the same. The worst stress and discomfort from the changes has passed.
I am really sad to hear so many people are leaving the blogging world. Quite a few are saying goodbye completely while a few others have moved to another home. I have to admit that 24.com’s blogs now, compared to the beginning of the year has changed tremendously and regrettably not for the better. Luckily there are still quite a few left that I love to read about and that visit my blog.
I find it so strange to write about the past at the moment. Telling stories of what heroin did to me is so unreal because it feels like a lifetime ago that they happened. Of course, I do still tell them because it reminds me where I came from and warns me never to go back to it again.
As long as there is a recovery to write about, I will write about it. And then maybe one day I’ll get to writing the book everybody says I must write. I have almost 35,000 views in just under 8 months across the servers I blogged on, but I guess it shouldn’t be about how many people read it - It should be more about how many it helps in the end!
Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”
Monday, 16 July 2007
Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”
I remember thinking to myself how it couldn’t be that bad! It is funny really, when I think about it now: For some reason I thought millions of heroin addicts around the world were just not trying hard enough! A lot of things made me take that first day and for the life of me I cannot remember most of them – but I do know I wasn’t scared of it. I really believed heroin would never get control over me.
I think it is probably the easiest the first time you try to quit because you mistakenly believe that in a few hours it will all be over and that you’ll go on with your life as if nothing happened. You go through the first few hours of pain hoping it will all be over soon, but it only gets worse and worse as the days progress.
When I finally passed a few days of not taking heroin I realized that the fight was only starting. The physical pain, although still there, was much better. The other withdrawal symptoms however were only starting. The rebuilding of a life and relationships, which took no time to destroy, was only now about to start.
Some say I had the strength and the determination to get through those days and months leading up to today. Some say it is because I made the choices that others still need to make. Generally most believe I wouldn’t have done it without my family and friends supporting me. Maybe they are all right; maybe I was just a lucky one.
There are a people that weren’t as lucky. I have known a few heroin addicts over the time I took heroin. Some I have lost contact with completely and I don’t know if they made it or not. Some have lost their lives much too early. Others are literally on borrowed time and still they can’t seem to stop. I’ve heard rumors from more than one person over the past few days that one of these people, who I believe is still taking heroin, is not doing very well. In fact, according to the rumors not good at all.
We were good friends at a stage, but heroin did, as it does with everything else in one’s life, destroy that friendship. We can never be friends again, not while he uses and regrettably not even if he stops. I just wish today that he would stop, and if he has stopped that he will continue to stay clean – before his time runs out and he becomes a statistic.
Day 230 – “Facebook”
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Day 230 – “Facebook”
I created a facebook profile a while back but only recently started searching for friends. I was contacted by a high school friend in connection with our 10 year reunion next year and I decided to look up some of my high school friends and people I met since then. I was totally amazed at how many I was able to find and since then have started up long lost friendships.
I think it is one of the coolest sites around these days. Not only does it allow you to look up old friends and acquaintances but has all kinds of extra applications you can run to enhance your profile. It even combines facebook with flixster, also one of my favourite sites.
We started a ’24.com blogging group’ on Facebook for those of you that already have profiles there and would like to join. Of course, you lose your anonymity should you wish to join because your identity will be known. It is an open group so anybody is welcome. And if you don’t have a profile yet, I suggest you try it out. You are definitely missing out on something great!
Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”
My favorite part about coming home to Polokwane at night is the lights. It is a sea of lights in the distance that makes you realize just how big this little struggling city is. You might even forget all its short comings for a brief moment. It still has a long way to go before we’ll compare it to Midrand’s flashy lights, but definitely progressing in the direction. You might ask yourself why I’m talking about Polokwane’s lights if I’m in Pretoria. That is the question indeed!
I went to Pretoria on Monday for two weeks of training. Monday alone I did things I’ve never done before and I realize again just how different this job is from what I’m used to. In my two days in Pretoria I met 4 people from Polokwane, 3 of whom where there on training at other companies – small world hey. I got stuck in a mother of a traffic jam on the R21 on Monday afternoon and I got lost somewhere in the Krugersdorp direction on Tuesday. You just have to love Gauteng!
Half way through Monday the Directors inform me that I have to go back to Polokwane because there is too much work to be completed and I need to help. So, my training was postponed until later this month.
Of course during this week the people close to me have been a bit worried because I look so exhausted. My job is a lot more demanding physically and has a lot more driving – and I’m just not used to it all yet. I understand their concern, though. All these changes could prove too much for me and I could resort back to heroin to break away from it all. I’m aware of the danger but have to admit the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. In fact, I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d ever take again!
Day 226 – “Back soon”
Sunday, 8 July 2007
Day 226 – “Back soon”
It would be a bit difficult to tell you exactly in which mood I find myself on this Sunday afternoon. Even though I feel nervous and stressed, when it gets down to it, everything happening in my life at the moment is so nothing but good and optimistic.
My ‘Significant Other’ just left after we got to spend the weekend together. Weekends are about all we have at the moment, but I treasure the time we do get together. My new job threw my normal routine upside down this past week – so even the usual telephone communication were cut to a minimum.
I guess I’m in love. I can’t remember when last I felt this way about anybody and then to have those feelings returned is spectacular. It is still a trial thing at the moment, you know, seeing whether a relationship will be safe and a long distance relationship at that. I don’t feel I can totally put my heart into this yet and run the risk of crushing down to earth and turning to heroin to cope.
My parents have been ultra cool about everything. At times so much that I have to wonder who they are and what they did to my real parents. With work and money and even my newly found love – they seem to be so supportive and trusting towards me. All the more reason not to let them down.
I’ll be going to Pretoria tomorrow morning early for training at my new job. I’ll be gone for two weeks and that means that blogging might not occur during this time. I’m really nervous and stressed about what lies ahead for me. I had a small taste of what my working life will be like in the future and I really believe I made the right choice taking this job.
I’ll be back soon and hope to bring even more good news with the next blog.
Day 222 – “Proud”
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Day 222 – “Proud”
My parents were supposed to take leave for three weeks. Due to the strikes in the country (affecting my dad’s leave) and me finding another job (affecting my mom’s leave) the plans haven’t exactly worked out. The situation at my mom’s job also doesn’t make a person feel comfortable leaving for 3 weeks on leave – you might come back and find you haven’t got a job anymore.
So, they cancelled the leave and won’t be going away. I really wanted them to go because I felt that they needed some time away after everything that happened with my addiction last year and now work this year. Perhaps it is a blessing in the end because now I’ll be gone for two weeks when I was supposed to watch the house.
My mom and dad are also celebrating their 28th Wedding Anniversary on Saturday and most couples on this earth would probably give anything to be as happy as they are. They’ve definitely shown me what a relationship should ideally be like and I’m proud to call them my parents.
I know I haven’t exactly been the model son and I have a lot of hurt that I still have to mend. They’ve given me so much, supported me through my addiction and helped me get back on my feet. My biggest achievement in this life will be when I make them proud again to call me their son!
Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”
Monday, 2 July 2007
Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”
It’s dark outside, darker than I’ve seen Polokwane in a while, then again… it is 3 o’clock in the morning. The weather says 5 degrees and even though I haven’t been outside yet I must say it feels a little warmer. I just woke up. It’s my first day at my new job!
We had a monthly meeting in Pretoria and had to leave early to be there in time. I saw HQ for the first time and was really impressed with the building, the offices and the staff. Definitely very professional and I felt a bit bewildered by the forms and questions and fitting and meetings that went on the whole morning.
I’m a bit scared at what lies ahead for me. The job is not something I am completely used to. In fact, besides a few basic things I know in the field I’m pretty much clueless. So from Monday I’ll be in Pretoria for two weeks while I learn more about my job and field.
This weekend I was allowed out of town completely alone while I visited my newly found ‘significant other’. Next week I’ll be in Pretoria for my new job completely alone again. From baby steps to big leaps and still keeping strong. I don’t think I could ever have imagined it going this good 200 days ago!
Day 217 – “To new beginnings”
Friday, 29 June 2007
Day 217 – “To new beginnings”
It was exactly a week ago that I was counting down the hours to a weekend in Cape Town and to my first plane flight. Today I am counting down the hours until I say goodbye to a 7 year part of my life. In a few hours I will say farewell to a life and a routine I knew very well and starting a completely new chapter.
I have a mixture of feelings running through my mind today. That of sadness, excitement, nervous anticipation. Most of it only hit me yesterday – I was saying goodbye! So many people around me at the office knew about my addiction and stood by me and my family through this time. I have no doubt that at times some probably thought it would never change. They are as much part of this recovery as I am!
I will be waking up almost 4 hours earlier on Monday to go to my new Head-Office in Pretoria. What lies ahead for me is mostly a mystery and I can only hope to be as happy as I was at my present company. But I find strength in the knowledge that I have overcome gigantic obstacles in my life and will make a success of this aswell.
As an added bonus I’ll be seeing ‘my significant other’ the weekend again after 2 weeks apart. We’ve both been counting down the days and by now the hours until we’ll see each other again. As torturing as it can be to be apart for so long, I still feel that this ‘long distance relationship’ is the safest option for us for now.
The changing of jobs is the start of many changes to follow in the future and hopefully I will look back on these moments after a few months and ask myself why I didn’t do it sooner!
Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”
Thursday, 28 June 2007
Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”
Most of my cousins I haven’t seen in years. I was quickly reminded that one of them of used to change my nappies. Of course, I was a baby at the time – and again felt a bit exposed by this information sharing.
I must honestly say that I haven’t had so much fun in years. Most of them follow the blog so they knew me much better than you would know your estranged cousin living almost 2000kms away. It was asif I stayed around the street. I just wanted to talk and talk all night catching up on what the rest of the family were doing.
My cousins have all made good lives for themselves, starting families, most of them with a loved one to keep them warm at night. My past few years were spent in a state of suspension in a way not really realizing how much everything around you changes. And seeing them noticeably more mature and happy than they were back then – is a great reminder of what I still have to catch up on.
Between the Diemersfontein Chocolate Pinotage (which is by the way one of the best red wines you’ll ever taste) we drank Van Luveren’s Four Cousins. Since we were indeed four cousins there – it was a very appropriate choice. And I got a quick food lesson as a bonus from somebody I now regard as an expert on the subject.
After we consumed way too much food the day and an excessive amount of alcohol during the night we called it a night. It was off to bed again for an early start.
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
“The Birthday Boy” and I wanted to check out one of the clubs, have a drink and maybe have a quick dance. Since I’ve never done the party thing in Cape Town and he has only been there a month we didn’t really know where to go. We went looking for a club somewhere but our plans were quickly stopped by the reluctance of my friend.
Clubbing was apparently not his scene and he was unwilling to compromise even though he was the only one that didn’t want to go. In fact he was so adamant on it, that the night ended in deafening uncomfortable silence as we all went to bed. I lay my head down and within seconds I was fast asleep.
For weeks reports were that Cape Town was cloudy, rainy and cold. And even though a slight breeze was blowing the next morning, the sun was shining and Table Mountain was clearly visible. It was weather any tourist or any Capetonian, for that matter – could really appreciate.
We went to Canal Walk and walked around browsing through the various shops. I expected more people to be there but there was no shortage in ‘eye candy’ spread through the corridors. One thing that was refreshing was how clean everything was and how friendly the people were there. Not just Canal Walk but the whole of Cape Town. Even the road signs, street names and number plates seemed unaffected by the constant name changes the government forced on the rest of the country.
It was only when we excited Canal Walk that we found another world outside – clouded, windy and rainy – totally different from what it was just a few short hours ago. The cold wind was blowing everywhere and that combined with the walk through the mall shot pains through my whole body. I was glad to just sit in the car for a while and that is exactly what we did.
My newly found friends knew much more about wine than I can ever hope to know. I felt like a real amateur in their superb pallet presence. We drove over 50kms to Diemersfontein just past Paarl for wine tasting. The young lady helping us obviously knew her wine. She was refreshingly different from the girls back in Polokwane. I could see “The Birthday Boy” liked her and I thought to myself how good they’d actually looked together – beautiful people seem to always find each other.
The ‘tasting lady’ mentioned a play that I definitely have to go and see. ‘Hair’ is currently playing at ‘Theatre on the Bay’ and she caught me a bit of guard comparing me to one of the actors. Apparently it contains a nude scene aswell, which caused it’s banning in the country for a while. I suddenly felt a bit exposed.
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Cape Town is a bit windy but not at all as I expected it to be. Even Cape Town International Airport surprises me with its obvious inferiority to its Johannesburg counterpart. But since most of it is also still under construction I thought I’d give it the benefit of the doubt for now. We exit the building after getting our luggage and I walk into the Cape Air. It is familiar to me even though I haven’t been here in ages. I wasn’t born in Cape Town self but the Province is home to me and brings back a lot of memories.
I phone my cousin to get directions to my aunt’s house. After a few rights and lefts and rights again we end up at the house. My aunt has moved twice since I last saw her so it is all new to me and I ring the bell in the hope to see a friendly face. A Portuguese woman opens the door with exactly the opposite face gawking at us, demanding to know what we are doing there and who we are looking for. I distinctly remember my aunt not to be a Portuguese woman – so figured we are at the wrong house. It turns out my cousin had the wrong house number and soon pointed us to the house next to the “friendly” Portuguese woman.
I met a very interesting guy this weekend. He is the friend of the friend I went to Cape Town with. They seem to be the most unlikely of friends but on close inspection I find some similarities between them that no doubted made them friends. It was his birthday on Monday so we celebrated it by going to ‘Belthazar’ a restaurant located at the Victoria Waterfront. It was voted ‘Best Steak House in South Africa 2005’ and most definitely lives up to that title. The restaurant oozed with classiness and I hung on every word that came from out waiter’s mouth.
Belthazar is famous for their wine collection and boasts with the largest wine-by-the-glass bar in the world. Their menus remind me of road maps and they confused my indecisive mind even more with a wide variety. I ordered a steak that was perfectly prepared with their pepper crust house basting and served with rice. Apparently their chocolate chili sauce is also something to try out.
We left Belthazar after dinner and even though we clearly had just eaten a big meal, “Birthday Boy” and I were in a real party mood…
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
It is funny how fast a person’s life can change. In a few minutes all that you know as normal or routine can be thrown upside down and what lies ahead is a mystery. I’m filled with excitement and eagerness to tackle the next few days and find myself overlay nervous and stressed in uncertainty. We all knew it was coming and without proper time to even react to the news it changed all of our lives. I got a new job!
I went for an interview on Monday afternoon and this time I was slightly more prepared than the previous one. I left the interview with confidence that I at least didn’t make a fool out of myself and at gave it my best shot. Before the hour passed I received a call to say I was the best candidate for the job. My facial expression was difficult to pinpoint at that moment. Out of all the emotions I could feel the realization suddenly hit me – I had 4 days to complete everything at my current job.
This change in my life is much more important that most can even imagine. Changing jobs mean I won’t be under the constant eye of my parents any more. I’ll be traveling around much more with only myself as any kind of supervision. I’ll be taking control of my finances again, salary, accounts and payments. It is the ultimate test of responsibility starting from the 1st of July and a huge sign that I am starting to take my life back.
I will continue the Cape Town story tomorrow but just had to share this exciting news with you. I am incredibly sad to leave my job of almost 7 years and to say goodbye to the people I dealt with everyday. I have no doubt that in the end this move is to my greatest benefit and a very important factor in starting my new life.
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
Monday, 25 June 2007
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
The plane makes a slight turn and I look through the window at the scene outside. It is beautiful; I haven’t seen the sea in 7 years and now it is lying beneath me with the moon’s reflection on its surface. There are millions of city lights covering the dark earth and for the first time I see how big and beautiful it really is here. It is Friday and I am about to end my first plane flight ever and land in Cape Town International Airport.
It was roughly 7 hours prior to this landing that we started the trip from Polokwane to Johannesburg. After a 3 hour car ride (which was funnily enough longer than the plane flight to Cape Town would take), a speeding ticket and a pileup on the R21 we finally reached the airport. I’ve only been there 4 times either to see someone off or to fetch them there and every single time the airport was under construction. I guess an airport will just be something that always has construction somewhere.
It is my first plane flight so everything around is me is new and strange. The airport is busy and covered with people arriving from all kinds of different places. A model agency looking for a new sexy face would have had a field day there on Friday.
After finding parking, baggage check in and security we waited in the departure lounge for our flight to board. The departure lounge is full of green and gold jackets of obvious Springbok supporters on their way to Durban and by the excitement between them I almost thought the game was on Friday night.
We board the plane and I am visibly more tense when the plane starts moving and shoots up into the air. We are moving above Gauteng at over 900kms/h and the buildings become smaller and smaller until it eventually disappears and the only visible sign of this huge city are faint lights in the distance…
More on Tuesday: “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
It is a few minutes before 7 on Sunday night and we just got back from a magnificent weekend in Cape Town. The whole weekend was filled with a lot of firsts for me and I was reminded once again of how much I have missed out on over these drugging years.
To do the weekend justice I will tell it over a few days starting tomorrow (Monday). I’ll try to remember everything that happened but Cape Town being famous for its wine didn’t help much with my memory.
The blogs came up on several occasions over the weekend. The people I spend most of the time with didn’t know about my heroin history. And once again I was faced with the dilemma of telling them about it immediately or only talking about it another time. It is obviously not a big secret and I always try and be honest about who I am and they were so wonderful that I doubt they would have judged me on it for a minute.
Still I don’t think I should start every conversation with “Hi, I’m Christiaan and I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict!” Too much of my life reminds me of that part of my life already.
To my friends and family that were involved and even the new people I met this weekend who made it spectacular – a big Thank You! I can only hope I’ll meet up with you all again!
On Monday: “Cape Town: Departure”
