Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
“The Birthday Boy” and I wanted to check out one of the clubs, have a drink and maybe have a quick dance. Since I’ve never done the party thing in Cape Town and he has only been there a month we didn’t really know where to go. We went looking for a club somewhere but our plans were quickly stopped by the reluctance of my friend.
Clubbing was apparently not his scene and he was unwilling to compromise even though he was the only one that didn’t want to go. In fact he was so adamant on it, that the night ended in deafening uncomfortable silence as we all went to bed. I lay my head down and within seconds I was fast asleep.
For weeks reports were that Cape Town was cloudy, rainy and cold. And even though a slight breeze was blowing the next morning, the sun was shining and Table Mountain was clearly visible. It was weather any tourist or any Capetonian, for that matter – could really appreciate.
We went to Canal Walk and walked around browsing through the various shops. I expected more people to be there but there was no shortage in ‘eye candy’ spread through the corridors. One thing that was refreshing was how clean everything was and how friendly the people were there. Not just Canal Walk but the whole of Cape Town. Even the road signs, street names and number plates seemed unaffected by the constant name changes the government forced on the rest of the country.
It was only when we excited Canal Walk that we found another world outside – clouded, windy and rainy – totally different from what it was just a few short hours ago. The cold wind was blowing everywhere and that combined with the walk through the mall shot pains through my whole body. I was glad to just sit in the car for a while and that is exactly what we did.
My newly found friends knew much more about wine than I can ever hope to know. I felt like a real amateur in their superb pallet presence. We drove over 50kms to Diemersfontein just past Paarl for wine tasting. The young lady helping us obviously knew her wine. She was refreshingly different from the girls back in Polokwane. I could see “The Birthday Boy” liked her and I thought to myself how good they’d actually looked together – beautiful people seem to always find each other.
The ‘tasting lady’ mentioned a play that I definitely have to go and see. ‘Hair’ is currently playing at ‘Theatre on the Bay’ and she caught me a bit of guard comparing me to one of the actors. Apparently it contains a nude scene aswell, which caused it’s banning in the country for a while. I suddenly felt a bit exposed.
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Cape Town is a bit windy but not at all as I expected it to be. Even Cape Town International Airport surprises me with its obvious inferiority to its Johannesburg counterpart. But since most of it is also still under construction I thought I’d give it the benefit of the doubt for now. We exit the building after getting our luggage and I walk into the Cape Air. It is familiar to me even though I haven’t been here in ages. I wasn’t born in Cape Town self but the Province is home to me and brings back a lot of memories.
I phone my cousin to get directions to my aunt’s house. After a few rights and lefts and rights again we end up at the house. My aunt has moved twice since I last saw her so it is all new to me and I ring the bell in the hope to see a friendly face. A Portuguese woman opens the door with exactly the opposite face gawking at us, demanding to know what we are doing there and who we are looking for. I distinctly remember my aunt not to be a Portuguese woman – so figured we are at the wrong house. It turns out my cousin had the wrong house number and soon pointed us to the house next to the “friendly” Portuguese woman.
I met a very interesting guy this weekend. He is the friend of the friend I went to Cape Town with. They seem to be the most unlikely of friends but on close inspection I find some similarities between them that no doubted made them friends. It was his birthday on Monday so we celebrated it by going to ‘Belthazar’ a restaurant located at the Victoria Waterfront. It was voted ‘Best Steak House in South Africa 2005’ and most definitely lives up to that title. The restaurant oozed with classiness and I hung on every word that came from out waiter’s mouth.
Belthazar is famous for their wine collection and boasts with the largest wine-by-the-glass bar in the world. Their menus remind me of road maps and they confused my indecisive mind even more with a wide variety. I ordered a steak that was perfectly prepared with their pepper crust house basting and served with rice. Apparently their chocolate chili sauce is also something to try out.
We left Belthazar after dinner and even though we clearly had just eaten a big meal, “Birthday Boy” and I were in a real party mood…
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
It is funny how fast a person’s life can change. In a few minutes all that you know as normal or routine can be thrown upside down and what lies ahead is a mystery. I’m filled with excitement and eagerness to tackle the next few days and find myself overlay nervous and stressed in uncertainty. We all knew it was coming and without proper time to even react to the news it changed all of our lives. I got a new job!
I went for an interview on Monday afternoon and this time I was slightly more prepared than the previous one. I left the interview with confidence that I at least didn’t make a fool out of myself and at gave it my best shot. Before the hour passed I received a call to say I was the best candidate for the job. My facial expression was difficult to pinpoint at that moment. Out of all the emotions I could feel the realization suddenly hit me – I had 4 days to complete everything at my current job.
This change in my life is much more important that most can even imagine. Changing jobs mean I won’t be under the constant eye of my parents any more. I’ll be traveling around much more with only myself as any kind of supervision. I’ll be taking control of my finances again, salary, accounts and payments. It is the ultimate test of responsibility starting from the 1st of July and a huge sign that I am starting to take my life back.
I will continue the Cape Town story tomorrow but just had to share this exciting news with you. I am incredibly sad to leave my job of almost 7 years and to say goodbye to the people I dealt with everyday. I have no doubt that in the end this move is to my greatest benefit and a very important factor in starting my new life.
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
Monday, 25 June 2007
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
The plane makes a slight turn and I look through the window at the scene outside. It is beautiful; I haven’t seen the sea in 7 years and now it is lying beneath me with the moon’s reflection on its surface. There are millions of city lights covering the dark earth and for the first time I see how big and beautiful it really is here. It is Friday and I am about to end my first plane flight ever and land in Cape Town International Airport.
It was roughly 7 hours prior to this landing that we started the trip from Polokwane to Johannesburg. After a 3 hour car ride (which was funnily enough longer than the plane flight to Cape Town would take), a speeding ticket and a pileup on the R21 we finally reached the airport. I’ve only been there 4 times either to see someone off or to fetch them there and every single time the airport was under construction. I guess an airport will just be something that always has construction somewhere.
It is my first plane flight so everything around is me is new and strange. The airport is busy and covered with people arriving from all kinds of different places. A model agency looking for a new sexy face would have had a field day there on Friday.
After finding parking, baggage check in and security we waited in the departure lounge for our flight to board. The departure lounge is full of green and gold jackets of obvious Springbok supporters on their way to Durban and by the excitement between them I almost thought the game was on Friday night.
We board the plane and I am visibly more tense when the plane starts moving and shoots up into the air. We are moving above Gauteng at over 900kms/h and the buildings become smaller and smaller until it eventually disappears and the only visible sign of this huge city are faint lights in the distance…
More on Tuesday: “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
It is a few minutes before 7 on Sunday night and we just got back from a magnificent weekend in Cape Town. The whole weekend was filled with a lot of firsts for me and I was reminded once again of how much I have missed out on over these drugging years.
To do the weekend justice I will tell it over a few days starting tomorrow (Monday). I’ll try to remember everything that happened but Cape Town being famous for its wine didn’t help much with my memory.
The blogs came up on several occasions over the weekend. The people I spend most of the time with didn’t know about my heroin history. And once again I was faced with the dilemma of telling them about it immediately or only talking about it another time. It is obviously not a big secret and I always try and be honest about who I am and they were so wonderful that I doubt they would have judged me on it for a minute.
Still I don’t think I should start every conversation with “Hi, I’m Christiaan and I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict!” Too much of my life reminds me of that part of my life already.
To my friends and family that were involved and even the new people I met this weekend who made it spectacular – a big Thank You! I can only hope I’ll meet up with you all again!
On Monday: “Cape Town: Departure”
Day 210 – “7 months”
Friday, 22 June 2007
Day 210 – “7 months”
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go… the count down has begun. In a few hours I will be on my way to ‘Jan Smuts’, oh sorry, ‘Jo-burg International’, oh sorry, ‘O.R Tambo’… hell, I’d better get there soon before they change the name again!
I will be flying on a plane for the very first time in my life. I’ve been flying high on drugs all my life and even flew on a helicopter once, but never in a plane before. Another first for me! Wonder what will happen if I shout ‘bomb’ on the plane?
My newly found ‘significant other’ and I only get to see each other weekends and since I’m away in Cape Town this weekend we will only get to see each other next weekend again – ah, the agony! Of course, being apart for so long makes the meeting up so much more ‘explosive’.
I will definitely be going to Century City on Saturday and doing one of my favourite things - walking in shopping malls and checking all the funky people. Maybe I’ll still catch some of you there. In between that and the family responsibilities we’ve got a hectic day planned.
To my friends out there, I’ll be on MSN the weekend and I’ll be back on Sunday night will loads to tell. So, watch out for a full blogging week with juicy details. Oh and I just heard I have another interview on Monday again, and another one later on in the week. What a great way to start the weekend!
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
I woke up on Wednesday morning and there was something else in my life that wasn’t there the day before. I took a few minutes for me to place these new emotions in a category I could recognize. Perhaps it is because I haven’t felt them in a very long time. Yes, I woke up on Wednesday morning and for the first time in more than 2 years – I was no longer single!
If you’ve been following this and my Afrikaans blog you know that I have been working on a possible relationship. Even though this person does not stay in the same town as I do, we decided on Tuesday that we’ll officially update the relationship status to ‘involved’.
We’ve known each other now for almost 2 months but I can count the time we’ve spent together on one hand. Due to the distance between us we’ve relied mostly on phone communication. Luckily we’ve got plans together for the next few weeks.
I’ve been thinking a lot whether I should be in a relationship this early in recovery. I am very cautious of getting romantically involved or possibly getting hurt and undoing seven months of progress. I’ve been open about my heroin past since we met and must say that I have not received anything else but total support and understanding during the time. That just makes the love between us even stronger!
Day 208 – “New Obstacles”
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Day 208 – “New Obstacles”
It has been a while since I’ve sat down and told you how it is going. Hopefully by my previous postings you could see that I have made a huge improvement up to date. My life is slowly showing signs of returning to a state of normal it hasn’t seen in a very long time. Of course, each day brings new obstacles…
I went for an interview on Monday. It came a bit unexpected which left me a bit unprepared. It has been over 7 years since I last sat down for an interview and I was a bundle of nerves to put it lightly. Still, it appears it didn’t go too badly and they’ll let me know if I make the short list.
All of us at the office realize that I can leave at any moment. So, my work needs to be divided between other people who need to be taught. Between sending out my CV, going for interviews, completing my work and teaching others my job – I have been swamped and stressed much more than usual.
And even though I don’t always consciously notice it, these little things mull in the back of my mind making me even more stressed. On a very bad day I do still find it difficult to cope because my body and mind wants that total silence it got from heroin. You’ll remember I stated it as a major reason why I relapsed last time. I just wanted to get rid of the noise in my head, my heart and my body!
A lot can be said for time. Time heals a lot of problems. If I had the same week a few months ago I would have been running towards heroin. I feel empowered in a sense by conquering these bad times and not just giving up like I would have done originally. So, I guess even though I am facing new obstacles in my life these days I am definitely handling them better!
Day 206 – “Jogging to the Dealer”
Monday, 18 June 2007
Day 206 – “Jogging to the Dealer”
“What’s wrong with these stupid people? They have so much energy they make me sick!” We just moan as we pass them on the way to the dealer. It’s a Saturday morning. Most people are out doing shopping, jogging, and working in the garden. We barely managed to get ourselves up from where we were lying. Every single action, every single joint movement we have to make until the heroin flows through our veins is a lifetime of agony that seems to never end.
The dealer is late. I have learned by now that the Time Zone in Nigeria must be non existent because these Nigerians don’t know the meaning of it. 5 minutes was a term they used very often and every single time it meant something else. I wanted to start crying. I prayed for strength to last the 5 minutes it was already going to take and now I had to wait another.
Sometimes it was still early. We’d call them at the weirdest hours of the morning when the craving spoke and we’d organize. Other times they refused to help us until it was light. But it was almost guaranteed that by midday we would be back at the house and most definitely high. Time flew by after that. Everything just flew by after that. We’d rent DVDs or watch SABC or we’d just lie on the couches in the living room and hours would pass.
I watched some of the Comrades Marathon yesterday and I remember last year how we laughed at all these people jogging the whole day. Of course, we were most probably past out for most of it. This year, I’m in a very different place. And watching them jogging I’d actually like to try it one day.
Hell, after what I did this past year I think I’ll take on any task and at least give a good effort. Then I’ll watch the druggies go by on their way to the dealer, tuning me: “What’s wrong with this stupid guy? Is he on something, jogging this time of morning?” And then maybe I’ll reply: “For once I am high on life. You should try it!”
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
Friday, 15 June 2007
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
I’ve got the earphones on my head and a piano solo from Titanic is booming in my ears. For this moment there is nothing else in my head. It’s just me and soothing, relaxing music slowly pushing me into a very nostalgic longing for somebody I’ve probably never met before.
I’ve always been ready to find love. I always knew that if it had to rest its feet on my porch I would welcome it with open arms because without a doubt I would be ready for it. Of course, gullible old me, pulled the short straw on many occasion and got hurt over and over again by people that weren’t as dedicated to a relationship as I was.
I recently met somebody that could potentially turn into a love interest. I didn’t really go looking for it but it happened anyway. It saddens me to say that for once I cannot give a 100% in a relationship in much the same way as all those ‘significant others’ could never give me their all. And it is not that I don’t see a future for us, it’s just me not having the strength to commit to a relationship at the moment.
Perhaps it is more than just the possible relationship. Work is really an unsure minefield at the moment. And since I’m technically looking for other work all those worries about my future employment, CVs and Jobs Interviews, Questions and right or wrong answers, takes a lot out of me.
I have come a long way from where I was 200 days ago. The old me would have jumped at the chance of being in a relationship regardless of where it landed me in a week or two. The new me – well, he is going to make sure he never relives the past few months even if that means passing on love for now!
Advertising!
After I did a post this weekend that I was looking for new job, a lot of my blogger friends asked more details thinking that maybe they know of something available in their company. I don’t feel right to shamelessly advertise my CV on the blog, so I’ll just give a short description.
I can do Computer Programming, IT Software Support, IT Technical Support and Software Training. I also have an accounting background and can do debtors, creditors and cashbook upto and including complete financial statements. And of course, not forgetting that on a good day I can actually write aswell.
There you go… a bit of advertising on my side. I’m available on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za should anybody require more info!
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
I guess the best thing about having a blog about your recovery is you can always go back and check how you felt on a specific day or more importantly check how you progressed over time. Today I can proudly say it is Day 200 in My Heroin Recovery!
It is strange reading something I posted a while back. I put a lot of honesty and emotion in some of the posts and I can remember exactly what I felt on the day I wrote it. Guess I hope that is what other people get out of it as well – being able to relate to a topic they might not agree with or understand.
The first 50 days was a real struggle to get through compared to the speed they are flying by these days. Again, proof that I am in a much happier place in my life now. Or at least in other areas than work.
The stress levels at work is at an all time high again. The stress and uncertainty hangs in a thick cloud above us all. Everybody here, including my bosses, knows I’m aggressively looking for other work and it feels asif that complicates things even more. The excitement and eagerness to go to the office disappeared a few weeks back for a lot of people here.
Stress played a big factor in my recurring heroin take in the past. Even the last time I lapsed it was because I felt overwhelmed by the stress of the restructuring at the office and the future of my employment. This time the circumstances seem to be worse and even so I can proudly say that I will not be running towards heroin this time. Funny how much one can grow in 50 days or a 100 days or 200 days! Just imagine where I’ll be in another 200 days!
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
Monday, 11 June 2007
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
I’ve been following the blog of Travis Lane for a while now. I try not to miss an entry and always find it interesting to read. He recently revealed a secret to his new girlfriend and I guess to everybody in blogworld. She was shocked at the news and as far as I know hasn’t spoken to him since.
As I mentioned before my best friend in Pretoria and my ex also in the Pretoria area doesn’t know about my heroin addiction and recovery. It is difficult to reveal something important like this to a valued friend over the phone, so I’m waiting until I see them in August. But I am really nervous about telling them because as Travis also proved on his blog, you don’t always know how things will turn out and how people will react.
On the one hand we’ve been friends for years and we all know each other very well. Something like this should not really come between a friendship like that. On the other hand they mean too much for me to take that chance. The same question arises when I meet new people. At this very moment I have a new friend who doesn’t know about the heroin part of my life yet. I don’t really know when the best time is to reveal something like this.
Let’s face it! My lifestyle is still not that of a free man yet. I have limits, rules and curfews. I am checked up on and have to report back very often. These actions, especially for a 26 year old man, will seem very suspicious to somebody that doesn’t know my story.
I find qualities like communication and honestly very important both in friendships and in relationships. I am not a big fan of starting a friendship on a bunch of lies, deception or complete silence. Still, this is a delicate issue by any person’s assessment. Do, I tell people I meet about this part of my life when I meet them, only when we know each other much better or not at all?
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Sunday, 10 June 2007
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
I woke up Friday morning at 06:30am, which is about an hour later than usual. I could do this because I had the day off. Of course, sleeping late to me means getting out of bed before 07:00am, which is very different from what it meant to me last year!
Sleeping or waking up were two very different things when I was a heroin addict. Even though most heroin addicts have insomnia, I rarely had a problem falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Sleep signaled a time where I wasn’t craving, using or withdrawing from heroin and those nights when I didn’t drink tranquilizer pills to finally get to sleep or didn’t dream of heroin were the most peaceful nights ever.
Waking up, was when the hell started again. From the moment I opened my eyes my whole body ached and I was looking for one thing – of course, heroin. On the days when I knew I was housebound and couldn’t go anywhere I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away in an endless sleep. Some days I only slept with the help of a hand full of medication. No sleeping pills seemed to help. And on the lucky days when I could leave the house it was just a countdown until I pressed the dealer’s speeddial number!
I am back to the sleeping routine I had before heroin which is usually no later than 07:00am. Even when I sleep over at a friend’s house after a late night I still wake up round about then, and sit alone for 2-3 hours before the rest of them wake up.
Quite a different way of living, I think. From wishing I could sleep eternally free from heroin, to waking up as early as possible to embrace the day. That’s what I call recovery!
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Friday, 8 June 2007
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
We’ve all known since January this year that things were going to change at the office. Those that have followed the blog know that the office moved to a new premises, changed owners and that certain staff changes would be imminent. That time is upon us now!
There is ‘too much staff’ at the office at the moment, as indicated by management on a daily basis. Too much staff! For six years I haven’t taken leave because nobody else could do my job or I couldn’t take leave with my mom because nobody else could do hers. Now… we are too much staff!
Somebody at the office will probably have to go. And whether it is me or a family member or a friend – somebody will leave here with nothing! Out of everybody at the office I am the youngest and perhaps more likely to find other work. More likely however doesn’t guarantee that I will find anything.
If I weren’t still paying off a lot of my drug debt I think these events would be less of a problem. I have learned to live on the minimum amount of money since my heroin addiction and must say I surprised myself at how well I’ve been doing that. Still, I need a steady income to keep the ‘credit departments’ away!
My job seeking has now forcibly turned up a notch from casually keeping an ear on the ground for available positions to aggressive searching for new employment. And whether I think I’m clever or cute or a hard worker there are a few things hindering my job seeking.
I might be a fast learner or eager to expand my knowledge but since school drugs seemed to be my homework and I never furthered my qualifications. I was in an accident early on this year and my car was written off, which means I don’t have my own transport. And of course, the ever lingering heroin addiction which is still widely known in certain circles.
Perhaps it is a good idea to hand in my blog with my CV – maybe that will help!
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
One of my friends invited me to go away for the weekend at the end of the month – to
At the moment I still have to ask my parents if I as much as want to go to the shop around the corner, so I figured that going away to Cape Town for a weekend would most certainly warrant some mention and would probably raise concerns. I was really surprised that all my worry about asking them was really needless in the end when they agreed without argument.
The plane tickets have been bought, the car has been rented, so I guess it is really official. There is no turning back now. I can’t wait to see
I want to live a normal life again, perhaps live a normal life for the very first time in my life. I want to be free… free from longing, wanting or taking drugs. And this trip marks a lot of that for me. It is not so much about me actually going – it is about being trusted enough to let me go, to be liked enough for me to be invited and to feel comfortable enough inside to actually do it!
"9 Lives" - Part 1
| 9 Lives - Part 1 | |
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| This post is called ‘9 Lives’ and is a great test in creativity. It is a description of where 9 different people are at 9 different times during the day. Every person has a different life with different problems and different concerns. I first saw the idea on Marc Olmstead’s blog. Since then a mutual friend, Alan has done his own version of ‘9 lives’ with a slight twist. Here is my interpretation…
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Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
The father of one of the people that work with me passed away this morning. His wife (her mother) passed away last year about this time, and since then his health and mind has been slowly fading and fading. He has basically been eating away at the highly regarded image his children and family had of him before all of this started. So, when we got the news this morning some people were thinking perhaps it is better this way.
The subject is debatable and I’m sure anybody can come up with positive or negatives points to support the issue. My focus today is obviously more towards addicts.
Through my time as a heroin addict most hoped I would ‘see the light’ and kick the habit. And even though at times it looked as if it would be my fate forever, most knew deep down inside I would eventually conquer the daemon. But there are a lot of heroin addicts out there of whom we cannot make this positive assessment. Some will try but they will fail continuously until the day heroin finally wins in death. These people will slowly poison themselves and their families destroying the relationship they once had, causing restless nights and unbearable days.
I’d like to think I am a good example that people can change and that heroin doesn’t need to be victorious in ones life. Regrettably, not everybody is that lucky. So, the question is… when is enough, enough? When do you give up hoping? When do you give up caring? When do you reach the point where death is the better option?
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
The subject of addiction came up the office yesterday. I don’t know if I have specifically mentioned this before, but I do not smoke. Even though I have had a cigarette or two, but in my lifetime probably not finished three, this is probably the one thing that I haven’t gotten addicted to.
Almost everything that I have undertaken in my life has led to unhealthy abuse and overdoing. From drinking to gambling to all kinds of drugs. I get offered a cigarette very often, especially by people that know my heroin history and when I turn it down I have to smile at the amazement in their eyes. How can a heroin addict not have been a smoker?
I must honestly say that I am very glad I am and have never been a smoker. Seeing how a lot of people ‘need’ their cigarettes on a daily basis reminds me too much of a life of dependence.
Even coffee came up as a major addiction in the office, especially now in the winter months. I usually need my cup of caffeine, preferably two by the time I’m at the office, before I face the world. It reminds me a lot of my life in 2006. Every morning when I opened my eyes the very first thought that popped in was: I am hurting, I want heroin. Every single second I spent in the house was a count down until I could phone the dealer. And getting my daily fix wasn’t something I needed before I could face the world; it was a necessity to face life.
So, I’ll drink my cup of coffee in the mornings and on a bad morning, maybe six. I’ll know that it is a small addiction and probably a little unhealthy. But I won’t be counting the seconds until I leave the house. I won’t be phoning the dealer as soon as I exit. I won’t be addicted to heroin!
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
Monday, 28 May 2007
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
On Wednesday that passed I was in recovery 6 months. And although it still feels like yesterday that ‘heroin addict’ was an appropriate description for me, it also feels like years have passed since then. I remember sitting at this exact same spot, typing on the same computer and every word that appeared on the screen I wrote with hope that I would beat it, and with every line that I finished the doubt started setting in. To imagine a time back then where I was no longer a heroin addict – seemed nearly impossible.
A lot of things have changed since then, not only in my personal life, but in my work life. Although it is not something I am actively doing at the moment or pursuing viciously I have started to submit my CV to a few places. I love my job very much and for more than 6 years I have been very happy with the company I am at. But in all due respect to my bosses, in the end it is still a dead-end job. I am not earning a lot of money and there is no chance of working myself into a higher position with more pay.
I realize perhaps now, after inspecting the state of my life, more than ever that I need to look after myself. I need to make sure I have a future somewhere. One of the places I have sent my CV is in Johannesburg/Pretoria which raised a whole other series of problems and questions. The most important one really is whether I’d be ready to move away from home and somewhere on my own. And that is a very difficult one to answer!
Six months, although to me a huge achievement, is not very long in recovery. Then again when will be long enough. I don’t know if that longing for heroin inside will ever go away. I have surprised myself and a whole lot of other people with how well I’ve been doing the past few months. I think I’ve shown a lot of strength, even if I say so myself. So, I know one thing for sure. I will not let heroin into my life again without a hell of a fight!
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
Friday, 25 May 2007
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
It has been just over 6 months now since I chased heroin out of my life in the hope to live a normal life again. Half a year spent trying to undo the damage that years has caused in my life.
Things are going great. I am really optimistic about my days and the constant fear of a possible mishap doesn’t hover in my mind like it used to. I can’t ask for anything more.
Changing the blog a few weeks back turned out to be a very good choice. Since then people have urged me to go to schools and talk to kids and stuff. This is something I don’t nearly feel comfortable with yet. In all fairness I am still fighting my own fight – I can hardly fight anybody elses. But I do hope that even though my blogging is not daily anymore that you still read it and find something to learn from it.
My ex and I have been communicating for a few weeks now over the phone (SMS, MMS and MXIt) and on Saturday after the rugby match was the first time we spoke in 2 years. The purpose of the call, of course, was to rubb my nose in the fact that the sharks lost. In those few minutes of long awaited audio I remembered so much of the good times we had together. It is strange that when the good times are so good, you tend to forget about how bad the bad times were.
I spoke to a friend yesterday. He is about the closest thing I’ve got to a best friend. We’ve been friends for ages, since he was at school. He was out of the country for a while and then came back and moved to Pretoria. I realized last night that I haven’t mentioned anything about heroin to him since this started or ended. In fact, thinking about it now, even my ex is oblivious to the topic.
And it is not that I don’t want to tell them. Afterall, it has been an honest subject over the past few months. It’s just, that they mean too much to me for them to hear it over a phone or even read it in a blog.
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
The treatment is quite expensive, but then again, you can’t really put a price on somebody’s life. Somehow, asking for more money from my parents, after all I had already taken from them – seemed inappropriate. But I don’t doubt that they would have helped me. In fact, they offered many times.
My friend, was much worse off than I was. Some days you could see his body was on the verge of just giving up the fight. I spent so many nights worrying about whether or not he was going to make it – and realizing it would also be my fate unless I stopped. He went to the Centre in Kempton Park in the hope that this would be his miracle cure.
From the e-mails I received the treatment was, very appropriately, described as ‘either the WORST or BEST Acid Trip’. Having taken Acid myself on too many occasions to remember I know it can be a delightful experience or a nightmare. To my friend, it was a nightmare, but an e-mail I got described it as ‘FUCKING AMAZING’. I guess it goes to show every person reacts to it differently.
In a nut-shell it is a treatment that leaves you without the withdrawals or cravings that normally go with heroin recovery. And as bad as my friend found the ‘trip’ he did come back with what seemed like a new lust for life. I really believed that heroin would never be part of his life again. But getting off heroin isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3, even with a miracle cure. Regrettably, my friend relapsed within a few weeks. This still happens to a lot of the people, even those coming from the Ibogaine treatment.
Now, I’ve never been there so I can’t really comment from personal experience. All I can say is to me recovery was hell to go through. Most addicts will give up trying before they even get close to ever being ‘normal’ again. And it sounds like Ibogaine is the best fighting tool they have at the moment. It is apparently also effective on coke, ecstasy, cat and even alcohol.
Wonder treatment or not, the fact remains that unless you want to be helped, want to stop, want to live a normal life again – you’ll end back with heroin in your arms every time!
You can check out the SA website on Ibogaine. This might just be the thing that saves your life.
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Since putting my e-mail address on the blog I’ve received a few more e-mails than usual of people telling me their own stories. It is shocking to hear how many in this country and abroad have similar problems themselves or with their loved ones. But there were two stories that really stood out.
What can you really do to help an addict? I asked myself this question for most of last week, trying to solve it for myself and somebody else. I know, better than most will ever understand, the hold that drugs can have on your life. Even those that use drugs but aren’t addicts will not grasp the grip of it on your mind, your body and your life. But whether you are an addict or a casual user, one thing will remain the same – you must want to stop!
So, how do you as a father or a mother, brother, sister or friend help a person that doesn’t want to be helped? And believe me, that happens. I convinced myself for months I wanted to stop, I wanted to get better but I lied to myself and to those around me. Deep down inside I still wanted to take, I still needed it and I still wanted it. No matter what anybody did, where they sent me or for how long – I would still fall back until I really wanted to stop.
I wish there was this miracle cure I could magically reveal. This potent phrase you could say that would make somebody see the light. I wish that I could tell you to follow my every step and that would be the path to get over it… but it isn’t as simple as that! I think to myself, if I had kids (even with the knowledge I have now) and I found out they were using heroin and that they weren’t ready to stop. What could I do? What could I say? And the answer…?
Nothing! Doesn’t that just make you feel so helpless. That must be what my parents felt like all those months – helpless! Going through every single day seeing their child slowly die and having no real action to take against it. Nothing!
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
Monday, 21 May 2007
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
I remember the first time I started withdrawing from heroin, like it was yesterday. It started much the same as all the other times would. The first time I injected heroin was not even 4 days before that day – and I had already spiked more than 5 times.
I took too much the previous night. My body clearly didn’t like what I was pumping through it and I became very sick. I was nauseous the whole night and my face was as white as snow. Everytime I injected heroin I could taste it in my mouth. I could still taste it from the night before, it was all I tasted!
I slept over at a friend’s house, so most of what happened lay oblivious to my parents. Thinking back I wonder if anything would have turned out differently, had they found out that day. I had to go to work and calling in sick had never been in option in my time there. Starting now would never be accepted. I cleaned up as best I could and went to the office. As the day progressed I looked worse and got sicker. They finally sent me home. I imagine that day already raised some warning flags, but my manipulating would start then, only to be perfected over time.
I felt much better the following day. I could keep food down again but I could hardly walk. My whole body had this numbness to it that I had never felt before. I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes and forget! Of course being sick a second day at the office would be a dead give away that something serious was wrong – so my acting performance began. Today I would act like a normal human being, full of energy, full of life – not sick, not withdrawing – no heroin!
My legs started paining, or it was more of an itch back then really. An itch deep down inside in your bones where you could never scratch. No matter how I stood, how I lay, how I sat, how I tried to sleep – it was there, itching, paining. Every day I woke up hoping it would be gone and every day it was still there, reminding me I took heroin. I woke up one morning and that relentless throbbing in my legs had vanished.
That very same night I met up with my friends again. I wish to this day I can remember the thoughts in my head because that day would prove to change my life forever. I remember the night, the venue, the people there with me. But for the life of me I cannot remember why! I took heroin again that night and the day after that and the day after that. It started an endless sequence of events that would continue day after day after day. My itch would eventually grow into a pain and in the end into flesh-tearing agony that would never go away.
Thinking back today I realize I spent most of last year sick or withdrawing. The whole year was one big fight to stay healthy and kick the habit. As the seasons change people around me are getting sick and I can feel my fragile immune system still fighting to stay healthy. And the thing is, how terrible I might feel if I should catch something now, I am eternally grateful it will not be a year of withdrawing again!
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
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Sunday, 20 May 2007
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
Lyrics to a song by Tracy Chapman - "Change"
The following video is of Dominic Monaghan (Charlie) in Lost. The song of Tracy Chapman is playing in the background. Very appropriately, if you follow Lost, Charlie was also a heroin addict, who eventually decided to change his life. Be Warned though - there is part of this clip that might be considered a 'Lost Spoiler'.
Day 174 - "You're on candid camera!"
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Day 174 - "You’re on candid camera!"
I have been staying over at a friend’s house this past week. You all remember that I stayed with ‘ThisIsMe’ a few weeks back while her ‘better other’ was out of town. This week ‘ThisIsMe’ is out of town and her ‘better other’ and I are ‘looking after each other’.
They both stay a few kilometers out of town in a flat on a plot. Their landlord is an old friend of my dad who used to work with him. Last night, their landlord absolutely does the unthinkable…
He phones my dad and tells him, that he has got me, Christiaan, with him at one of the local clubs in Polokwane and I am wasted (like totally drunk of my rocker). My dad, after hearing the news, is apparently furious and ready to come and pick me up and I imagine never letting me see sunlight again. I can only imagine the expression on their faces last night.
Luckily he tells my dad he joked, before my dad storms out of the house. Probably not the best joke to make to the parents of a recovering heroin addict, but in his defense he doesn’t really know the story. The more I think about it, my parents probably skip a beat everytime that phone rings and I am not there. They’ve had their fare share of phone calls (from myself, friends and the police) revealing yet another stupid thing I’ve done. And for somebody to phone and actually make such a joke probably wasn’t something they wanted to hear.
While I normally don’t drink (that much) anymore or spend time (to often) in clubs – I am still very happy that I didn’t do any of that last night. We can all joke about it today, just relieved that is not my life anymore and for once it is not true anymore.
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
My mom and dad started reading my blog this week. Up to now, nobody in the house has read any of the blog entries. And I totally understand why. They don’t need a blog to tell them what they have been living through the past few months. They were there, they saw first hand what I was going through and they themselves experienced what it did to their own lives. No blog… no grouping of carefully picked words can even touch on the pain and despair, hurt and anger that sometimes lay in the house.
I knew that there would come a time where they probably would feel comfortable enough to experience some of it again. I was pleasantly surprised to hear they started reading it and they even suggested my brother start reading it as well. Even though I figured they would eventually be reading it, I think I was pretty honest with my feelings on those days, regardless of how they might be perceived when read in the future.
Most of the people at the office are also now reading the blog. I send the entries to their e-mail a few days after it has been posted. Deciding not to give them the online blog address was a very conscious decision. Since I share my feelings very openly I didn’t want people at the office to know daily exactly how I feel and this while sitting in the same office as me.
The purpose of this blog was always to be shared with anybody and everybody. I have not been proud of some of the things I have done and mentioned here, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I wonder how many people would let their family members or co-workers take a daily peek at their blogs?
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
Thursday, 10 May 2007
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
The following was written by a friend and published in a local newspaper called the “Informant” in Polokwane a few weeks back.
“I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…” The popular lyrics of The Fray’s song “How to save a life” have been high on International music charts since 2006 and as a result been sung by many adolescence all over South Africa. The song was written by Isaac Slade, lead singer of the band The Fray, based on his experience with a young boy during his work as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens. The song suggests how one should approach a drug addict in the aim to save their life and has woken a tragic realization in many young and old South Africans. Drug abuse is a growing problem all over the world, even in our home town of Polokwane.
According to Captain Seabi of the Polokwane Police, the youth are by far the biggest offenders when it comes to drug abuse related arrests. Ndo Mamgala, the spokesperson for education in Polokwane adds that the drug problem is not only found amongst our youth but even extends to some teachers in schools: “There have been incidents where teachers abuse alcohol and remain absent from school for days as a result.” In an event to curb this problem officials then insist these teachers go to rehabilitation centres and if these do not help they have been forced to dismiss them. While some teachers are drug abusers themselves there are many more who make an effort to control and prevent drug abuse in schools.
A well known teacher at Pepps Polokwane has said that “since Pepps is such a small school, teachers are able to keep a close eye on the students and therefore prevent the development of drug abuse by inflicting punishment in its early stages.” As a result, two children were suspended from the school after being caught smoking cigarettes. There are fortunately, many institutions in Polokwane who make an effort to prevent and control drug abuse but not everyone can be helped by their efforts alone. As inhabitants of Polokwane, we all know someone who is abusing drugs whether it be a friend, a friend of a friend or even ourselves. What then can you do to help prevent and stop this epidemic from savagely stealing lives? How can you save a life?
In attempting to answer this question, Mrs Riette van der Linde, the director of the Far North alcohol and drug rehabilitation centre in Polokwane, has described a typical step by step progression in an addicts life based on her experience working with young users: At first the user makes a decision to stop abusing drugs and proceeds to face a very difficult process of withdrawal. What keeps this person from relapsing and proceeding to carry on with their drug abuse is the support and praise from his or her family and friends. After experiencing days of pain and resisting the ever-growing cravings, the addict admirably manages to stay clean and the parents and friends trust they will never return to their old habits. As a result the parents and friends no longer feel the need to praise and support this person as much as they believe that the battle is over, but they are wrong. Steve Hamilton, a recovering drug addict who often gives motivational speeches in local schools wrote the following shocking truth in his book I want my life back: “One thing I remember about addiction is that it’s a progressive disease. It will ravage you physically as well as mentally and it won’t simply stop when you stop drugging…Even if you stop drugging, you still have the disease. You’re still an addict.” With loss of support and praise the addict will then often fall back into his or her old habits which often leads to an inevitable death. What can you do to prevent this? How can you save a life? There is no clear answer to this difficult question but there have been many who have found a way to overcome this battle. One of these people is a local boy who replaced his bad habit with a good one…blogging.
This young man gave us some insight into how he is managing to stay clean of drugs, “This struggle of mine has been going on for the past year. I only recently found these blogs and have found amazing comfort in sharing my thoughts and feelings while I try and recover. The support I have out there, mostly in people I have never met gives me strength to try my best every day. I will always stay an addict, but at least now I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict.” This man has written daily, detailed entries on his site since the 24th of November 2006. He describes the daily battle of withdrawal he goes through, he speaks of shocking drug and dealer experiences and then people comment on his entries and in turn give him the support he needs to recover. He is truly admirable for overcoming all he has thus far and he can serve as an inspiration for all who are facing the same battle, as he says: “I read the comments on my blogs throughout the day and they, more than anything else, give me the strength to continue with my recovery. I have used alcohol, dagga, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, kat, crack, pinks and heroin (take a breath) and only realize now that I am an addict and will never have control over any of it. Although this realization comes presumably a bit late in my life, I believe it is never too late to make the change and stop this cycle!”
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Hey kiddies… its me…
I’ve haven’t blogged in 2 days and it feels like I’ve been gone for 2 weeks. I still wake up in the mornings and it feels like I’m missing something big in my life. My first instinct is to go to the computer and write.
I broke the news on Monday that I would be ‘cooling down’ with the blogging and not blog daily as I have done over the past 5 months. It was much better received than I anticipated and I realized just once again how many ‘friends’ I have here supporting me. You are all great and I thank you for your continued support through this.
As you can see, weeks hasn’t passed since I’ve made another entry, as some of you feared.. I’m still around here reading blogs every day and trying to comment a bit more than I used to.
Our computers are the office have been acting up since yesterday. One after the other, the weird problem after the other pops up. As the resident IT-Guy, on top of my normal office duties, I am kept quite busy trying to get them working again – without BASHING THEM!
The new building we moved into in February gets very cold in the winter. My legs are sore right into the bone from the cold and my feet feels like huge ice blocks. This is still a side affect of my heroin use, but still a huge improvement from the pain earlier on in the year.
And as far as friends or love goes… my ex and I are communicating, trying to get to know each other again after almost 2 years apart. This is a really interesting exercise and I’ll keep you up to date on the progress I make in that department. At the moment it is more of a long-distance-friendship – and I’m approaching it as that to be safe.
That’s my 2 cents for the day. Enjoy the rest of your day and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – or at least take pictures!
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
Monday, 7 May 2007
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
The time has come! After more than a 160 blogging days in My Heroin Recovery, I am finally doing it. I am sort-of saying Good-Bye to daily blogging!
I have since starting this blog, blogged almost everyday to give you an account of my emotions and feelings on a daily basis. And this was one of my most helpful fighting tools in getting my life back. I am saying Good-bye, but not to blogging entirely!
After much consideration this weekend I have decided that daily blogging isn’t the right thing to do anymore. Instead of writing when I have something to say or when something happens in my life, I have almost forced myself to feel or to relive moments in the past I probably wasn’t ready to share yet – all so that I could write something everyday. Does that make sense to you at all?
Blogging has become part of my daily routine just as waking up or brushing my teeth is and I will miss that part. This doesn’t mean that I’ll disappear for weeks and weeks without updating you – just a chance really to blog whenever I want to or not when I don’t want to.
Even so, I wouldn’t have done it any differently up to now and I would recommend it to anybody. It has been one of the major reasons I have handled this recovery so well. Thank you to the people reading, learning and giving advise. To the people urging me on, helping me through the bad days and sharing my happiness on the good ones. I am very confident that this move will help me even more!
