Friday, 2 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 2 in Rehab"
Rehab, 2 April 2008...
It is pitch dark outside. The nurses crash through the door and wake us up to take our morning smarties. I’m dead tired. I got a panic attack last night. I’m not sure what made it worse – the withdrawals or the thought of never taking anything again. I got some medicine that helped but the rest of the night passed with great difficulty. I take the pills from the nurse and swallow them without taking a look. I close my eyes and drift into sleep again.
It is much later in the day when I get woken up for lunch. My room mate Ashok* (meaning ‘without sorrow’) is a young Indian guy. Every time my eyes open he starts talking about his drug taking, where he took and how much he took. He has a dealer around the corner, he says, 5 minutes and we have it. My craving mind entertains the thought for a while and I turn over waiting for him to fall asleep.
Ashok turns out to be an insomniac so I spend hours listening to him go on and on. I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling and one plan after the other spins through my mind. I have no money on me but a druggie always makes a plan. The scary thing is in the streets of Johannesburg where will I draw the line at getting money!
I’ve drawn the line so far on the wrong side that I don’t know how to get my way back. Heroin has its clutches so deep through every cell in my body that it is clinging for dear life at the moment. Just another day I keep whispering to myself… just make it through another day!
"Day 2 in Rehab"
"Day 1 in Rehab"
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Rehab - "Day 1 in Rehab"
Rehab, 1 April 2008...
I finally have a date. In over 8 months of continues drug use and 10 years of relapsing time and time again, I finally have a date to look back on as the day I stopped using drugs. It is the 1st of April, April Fools too many, but I know my life is no joke anymore, it hasn’t been a joke for a very long time - it is deadly serious. So, serious that I find myself standing at the doors of a Rehab Clinic as one of the only unexhausted options.
It is my first time here and I feel like Alice in Wonderland stumbling down the rabbit hole as if I am on a bad acid trip. I must be! Surely it can’t be that I’ve thrown a decade of my life away. It can’t be my thin dead reflection staring back at me when I look in the mirror. It can’t be that I’ve lied, betrayed and stolen just to keep poison flowing through my veins, could it?
My white body is only skin and bone drifting around aimlessly, like a ghost almost. My whole personality sucked out and replaced by… nothing… a void really. A void that took only a few hours to surface in my life again and most believe 4 months would not even cure, let alone 4 weeks.
This morning I didn’t care to ever take drugs again but now I want to kick myself for not smuggling something in. They search my bags, clothes, I even have to strip down to my underwear and take that off. Perhaps it is best I didn’t try to bring something in, where would I have hid it?
I start looking at the windows, the doors, anything that will help me get out of here. I have to do this but I don’t know if I can! I have to part with my drugs but I don’t know if I want to! I’m taken to detox and get a handful of pills and pop them in my mouth without taking a look at any of them. I don’t want to know what they are giving me. I don’t want to know how I’ll get through tomorrow or through the next 4 weeks. I just want to close my eyes and get through the night!
"Back to reality"
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Back to reality"
I made it through another day. I made it through my first weekend back in the real world. I feared thoughts of taking again would consume me – but it didn’t. In fact, not once did I even entertain the idea of getting or taking any kind of alcohol or drugs. I don’t ever want to be the slave of drugs or alcohol again. In fact, no drug could replace this good mood I am currently in – not all the heroin in the world!
I completed my treatment on Friday and spent this long weekend with my family. There was calmness in the house that hasn’t been there in a very long time! They could all see what I am bursting to tell the world – that I came back a changed person! It is one of those 180 degree changes that you hear about or see in movies and if you are lucky get to experience in your lifetime.
Don’t get me wrong, the clinic wasn’t a holiday, not at all. I had my share of ups and downs but they all contributed to the person writing these words today. I’ll be sharing my rehab days with you in the next month because I believe them to be crucial in understanding how I got here. Equally important they might have some profound meaning to even just one person out there.
Of course I’ll keep you updated on how the current days are going as well. They are important because they lie a mystery to me at the moment. I don’t know their outcome as I know the outcome of the rehab days I’m about to share with you. One certainty is that they will contain the same ups and downs I have been trying to hide from with drugs. They will contain the same temptations and triggers that have haunted me for 10 years.
The difference will be in the way I approach them!
"Prologue (Part 2)"
Monday, 28 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Prologue (Part 2)"
Continues from Part 1...
I knew for a while I took a hectic detour on the road I wanted to travel in my life. I’ve been drifting aimlessly wasting my talents, my money and my life for 10 years. While busy with my 28 days I realized something vitally important that possibly helped change my life. I never took a detour! All my life has been lived to get me to this point, this day! It seems unsettling thinking that you spent 10 years figuring out the purpose of your life, but then again some die at 60 never have found theirs.
This blog started a while ago and the days kept counting. I was proud to be clean from my drug of choice but made possibly the biggest mistake in recovery and substituted heavily with drinking and other drugs. Today, for the first time I am clean and sober for 28 straight days! I have a better relationship with my family and friends now and I know it is only the beginning. I have a better relationship with God than I have had in 27 years and amazingly I know this is also only the beginning.
I could go on for hours and still you won’t realize just how much the past 28 days impacted on my life. I ask myself if one person could possibly change in just under a month, but reminded that it took a decade to get me here. Regardless, I am glad to be here! And yes, my religion and the positive and determined outlook I have today might be clouded by pain, cravings, negativity and tears tomorrow. However, today I can proudly tell you about ‘My Heroin Recovery’, today I am positive, strong and eternally happy. Today I am clean and sober!
"Prologue (Part 1)"
Monday, 28 April 2008
Current Recovery - "Prologue (Part 1)"
My name is Christiaan. I am a recovering addict.
My drug of choice is obvious through the title on this blog but it wasn’t always my first choice. In fact, thinking back now, it very possibly started with a few drinks almost 10 years ago. I climbed the ladder of addiction through every imaginable substance very quickly and soon my inability to stop became clear to me and those around me. I even lost my fair share and more of money when it came to gambling.
When we took the trip to rehab 28 days ago there was a part of me that wanted to recover. It was that part that delayed the suicide attempts, it was that part that kept most of my parent’s possessions in their house when I was desperate for money, it was that part that cried for my mistakes the brief moments I had any feelings. It was the only good part of me left!
No matter how I tried the other parts of me seemed to always win. Even my first two days in Rehab was spent checking which windows had bars and which doors would be easy to escape through. I was desperately clinging to the comfort that was now killing me and it wasn’t doing it subtle anymore. Every time I tried to stop, my addiction won in the end, every time I tried to find God I found another drug to worship. Every time I lost the fight, until now…
Part 2 continues later today...
28 days...
This is my last post for a while. I am off to rehab in a few hours. I was slightly scared and nervous the past few days leading up to it but there is a kind of calmness inside of me now. I am not sure how I will feel once I am there or when the realization kicks in that I can never take drugs again!
I will be keeping a diary every day while I am there and promise to share my experiences when I am back. I want to thank everybody that has supported me and keeps on supporting me!
See you all in a month!
Christiaan / TristanB
"Until I die (Part 3)"
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 3)"
Continues from Part 2…
Nothing changed… at least that is the way it seemed!
In reality a lot changed. The person that my friends and family knew, loved, trusted and enjoyed slowly disappeared as each day progressed. My heroin use escalated day by day at an astonishing rate. Another person was living my life – this drug addict. One of those stereo type addicts that you see on TV that steal and lie. One of those aggressive people that find themselves going to extraordinary lengths to get their precious drugs. I was that person now!
Three months passed since that night. I spend thousands and thousands of rands, or I should say maneuvered it on my credit cards. Credit Cards which I cannot pay now, credit cards I couldn’t pay even then. Every day turned into a fight with somebody, somewhere about the same old issues or occasionally about a whole set of new ones.
While I was working one Saturday my behavior led to yet another fight with a co-worker. I got a phone call from home and it was obvious that once I got home the same fate waited for me there. I stood next to the road thinking and all I could think about was how I didn’t want to go home!
So I started walking…
Part 4 continues…
Men vs Woman in Bathrooms
After a discussion I had this morning with a group of people I decided to pose these questions to blogworld:
Apparantly there was a discussion yesterday on Jacaranda 94.2 regarding what men and woman talk about in their different gym bathrooms. I find it quite interesting how the two genders react differently in these environments. What do you all do in there?
Another question I am just burning to ask is what people think when two men accompany each other to the bathroom in the same way that woman so naturally do?
And finally do women out there bath or shower together? And dare I ask… if so, do men do it aswell?
"Until I die (Part 2)"
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 2)"
Continues from Part 1…
It was finally happening. After so many times of thinking it I was killing myself.
Something hit me, like Fred Flinstone clobbering me with a piece of wood, if I do this now… who was going to find me? My brother was in the next room, my parents were away, nobody else was there. If I continue this, my brother, whose life had been disrupted by this so much already, was going to find me. How could I even dare also doing this to him?
Fred hit some sense into me. I suddenly remembered why I haven’t slit my wrists yet, why I haven’t drank a bottle of pills, ran in front of a car or just pulled a gun and shot myself – I was too afraid to die. I didn’t want to die. Even when, quite ironically, I was slowly killing myself with heroin, I didn’t want to die. Not now! Not this way!
There is no sure way to get yourself out of that situation. I was on the verge of overdosing but I had a few tricks up my sleeve to at least get my heart rate up again. I am not one that usually remembers my dreams but I know I had a dream about getting heroin that night. I knew, even in that state of sleep, that my first action the next morning would be to score heroin again!
Nothing changed… at least that is the way it seemed!
Part 3 continues...
"Until I die (Part 1)"
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Current Recovery - "Until I die (Part 1)"
I only have a few days left before I have to go to Rehab and I’ll give you more detail as we get closer. I struggled with this next post for a while. I wanted to post it because I felt it crucial in a story on my recovery, but I didn’t want to be accused of seeking sympathy or attention by revealing it. So after long thought I decided that nobody’s opinion of me will sensor what I write on this blog. My strength in my recovery came from the honesty I showed by telling my story and lying or keeping things now would not lead to a recovery!
Over the past few months’ people have on more than one occasion told me that I must just inject myself until I die. Some even went as far as to say that they hope it kills me and even though it might sound morbid some are waiting for the day that it does! Of course, most of this is said and done in anger, but angry is how I’ve left most of the people that know me. Whether they mean it or not the fact is some are thinking what a world would be like, where I just disappear with this problem of mine. It never really bothered me that much, it never really hit home until I actually tried to do it…
Inject myself until I die, they say. It is not difficult to do. As long as the money holds there was nothing stopping me. I started injecting myself one shot after the other. It only took a few seconds for each one of the shots to spread through my body. I reached the point where, if the money allowed it, I took 10-12 shots a day. So, it took a while for me to reach that nauxious feeling. It was a familiar feeling building up in my throat and stomach. I overdosed before and I knew I was close again, this time willingly!
Inject myself until I die. My body was telling me something was wrong. There were warnings throughout my body but I wasn’t going to react to them like I have done many times before. I was going to do it. I was going to give them what they wanted, give them what they asked for every time they spoke to me, give them what they needed to move on with their lives!
Shot after shot entered my arm and it started to look like a Swiss cheese from all the holes I was making. I didn’t need to hide them away, not this time! I didn’t need to worry how it would look tomorrow. There wasn’t going to be a tomorrow. My body started to go numb and my breathing and heart rate slowed down almost completely. It was finally happening!
Part 2 continues...
Just in case back...
This is for ‘This is me’ and to anybody else wondering where I am or for that matter not caring any more:
You don't ever need to explain because I understand better than you think! I won’t try and explain because lets face it what comes out of my mouth at the moment means little to nothing. This is a war and often I’m not fighting the battle as I should, I know. I try and rationalize this all that to myself but I find it difficult for a brain that should know better. One thing you can never be accused of was not trying, infact you should be honoured for how long you did try.
Anyway, I thought I’d reply to let you know I am still reading and for what it is worth I am still alive. I find myself hovering between caring if I live or die and actually doing something to live a normal life again and I regret most of all my family and friends suffering while I do so.
You deserve some sanity again and I hope that one day the real friend you remember can enjoy it with you!
Future plans...
Hey everybody
Just a quick note to say that I have a very important meeting this morning to discuss the future plans of my recovery. I should know today exactly how this will impact my job in the next few months and how, when and where I'll be in a clinic.
I am slightly nervous about it all but confident that it is steps in the right direction.
'till later
Christiaan
"Facing religion"
Monday, 11 February 2008
Current Recovery - "Facing religion"
I have decided that 2008 is the year that I finally decide who I am, what I am and where I’m heading with my life. Of course, the first item in my life that drastically needs to change is my addiction. There is no doubt that I have an addictive personality that has seen me develop unhealthy habits towards everything from sex to gambling to drugs. In the past I have managed to kick some of these habits only to start something else a few months or years afterwards. Normally these new habits are then much more dangerous and damaging than the original. So I am on a real mission this year to get behind whatever problems there might be in my life and sort them out.
One of the biggest problems in my life that seem to pop up everytime anybody talks to me about anything is religion. I have never discussed religion on my blog, for good reason. It is by far the biggest instigator of heated debates and my experiences have taught me that whatever the point of view, people are very reluctant to listen to another.
As I mentioned yesterday the directors at the office have decided to try and help me with my addiction. I cannot go into any detail as yet but one of the conditions has to do with my religion. So the question came up where and when my religious life took a bad turn. I thought I’d share it with you to maybe get the point of view of different people out there.
In my final year of Sunday school I sat talking to our pastor and I asked a question that had been bugging me for ages. I could already feel my reluctance to everything being taught around me and I needed to get some answers to calm my enquiring mind. “What makes you or me, as Christians, so sure that we are the right religion and that all the other religions are wrong? We are taught that this or that religion is wrong and the people belonging to that faith may not end up in heaven. What makes us so sure that we aren’t the wrong one? Surely the people in those religions have as much faith and believe just as much in their bible or their god as we do. And finally how can we base our religion and quote phrases from and judge or praise people based on a book written by people and edited and changed by people. Surely those other religions also have a book similar to the bible on which they may be basing their faith. What makes our bible correct and theirs not?”
It is a mouth full, I know. I am not trying to be negative or sound like an atheist or something. I am merely asking the question I asked that day. The answer I got was terrible and I’ll share it with you in another post. I have posted this entry because my faith and religion at this point is as much part of my heroin recovery as actually stopping heroin. Those that feel they can say something which can shed some light on the questions I asked are welcome to comment. I am an open minded person and will listen to the point of view. I will however not engage in any religious debates, as it is not the point of this post.
"The faces of heroin"
Monday, 21 January 2008
Current Recovery - "The faces of heroin"
I’ve been staring at the mirror for what feels like hours, maybe a few days. I don’t think I will know the difference anymore. Time has changed for me: It is either an extreme, agitated rush where every single person seems to taunt me with their lingering movement or I am the guilty that seem to unhurriedly hover around dead to the world, to my family and to myself.
I try and remember what my face looked like 3 years ago, which lines, wrinkles or spots were there a week ago or yesterday and which only appeared today. I try and find that look in my eyes, that optimistic look that used to shine through in everything I did. All I see now is dead pinned eyes.
I stopped at the dealer a while back and just as I was driving off another woman stopped her car to also get heroin. I got the impression she was a young woman but her face looked 10 times older. I had no idea how long she had been taking heroin but every single hit seemed to be engraved on her face. I was looking at my future – if I even lived that long!
There are a lot of signs around me at the moment showing me that I need to change my life. I see them and most of the time there is genuine intention to do whatever it will take to get my life back. I will tell you this: I am scared, scared of every action, scared of each re-action and consequence, scared of the withdrawal pain and the leg pain that will follow for months afterwards, scared of the depression and rollercoaster emotions, scared of the emptiness, the longing and the craving. Thinking about any of this just makes me crave heroin again… a vicious cycle indeed!
“Getting started!”
Monday, 14 January 2007
Current Recovery – “Getting started!”
I find it slightly difficult to start writing this post today. In fact I’ve spent the past few days writing single sentences that leads nowhere and ends up being deleted. I have a lot to say, seeing as a number of things happened since I last blogged, but my mind feels like a badly translated Japanese movie at the moment. Here we go… my first diary post of 2008…
I never thought I’d ever hit rock bottom. No matter how bad things were I had hope that I could beat it. I never knew where that hope came from, now I don’t have much of it left! To make things worse I lost a lot more than just hope: I lost the respect, trust and perhaps a bit of love from my parents. I lost my best friend who decided to break away because I can’t break away from this drug cycle. And as all the truths make their way to the surface it is inevitable that I will loose a lot more.
I’ve had a lot of time to think the past few weeks about where I am in my life at the moment and more importantly where I’m headed. I am turning 28 this year and the only thing I have accumulated in my lifespan is worry, regret and lots of debt. I thought that I would have enough motivation to get and stay clean with the support of my family, friends and job but instead of proving to myself and those around me that I could do it, I took drugs, lots and lots and LOTS of drugs.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have a big problem… one that will not go away! My intention is not to make one depressing post after the other this year, in fact I believe that positive thought goes a long way in beating this disease. However, just like last year and the year before I will be telling the story of my heroin recovery as honestly as I know how. Some things will come easy and others, like the posts to follow the next few days, will seem to take forever to finish.
Regardless of how long the posts take I hope that I will find them as therapeutic as I did in the past. I hope that you will learn and understand things about addiction you never knew before and that it will help you understand your friends and family with the same problem better. Above all I hope to look back at each post I make from now on with disbelieve at the progress I made with each passing day. If I could make one resolution for 2008, that would be it.
For now all that is left to say is “Sayonara”… (Japannese… get it?)
Day 394 – “Take a deep breath”
Current Recovery (Sunday, 23 December 2007)
Day 394 – “Take a deep breath”
It is actually amusing if you think about it. I’m in my late 20’s and for my entire life I’ve been under my parents’ roof. They cared for me, cooked for me, cleaned and ironed for me. They gave me what I needed and even sometimes what I didn’t need. Even when the idiotic things I did got me in trouble with the law more than once my parents were still there to bail me out and help me through it. It is safe to say that most of my life has been smooth sailing with endless help from my parents… that is of course, until now!
I got this news a while back but first had to make sure it wasn’t just talk and had to inform my friends and family before I posted it here on the blog. I am being transferred to another part of the company. It is a chance of a lifetime really, one I won’t easily get again. The line of work is right up my alley and it is a brilliant opportunity to show what I’m capable off. The catch is it is almost 400 km’s from where I am staying now! That is 400 km’s from everything I know, love and have grown comfortable with.
The important thing however is not so much the distance as the fact that I will be staying on my own! For the first time in my life I will be out from underneath my parent’s roof. No longer under their guidance or their supervision. Some would say it is about time and I guess I would have to agree that not only do I need to experience life on my own with more responsibility but I need to give my parent’s some of their life back. On the other hand it is painfully obvious that I am not an average 27 year old and staying on my own brings obstacles to my life that most can not even imagine.
One thing is for sure, this can be the greatest thing to ever happen in my life. This is a perfect opportunity to find out who and what I am and where I am going with my life. It is also a recipe for complete disaster and if managed incorrectly will lead to my downfall in many ways. The next few months will make out a critical part of how the rest of my life will go and I know that many people will spend their days holding their breath watching how I handle it.
Come to think of it… it is not so amusing after all!
Sizzling Shower Saturday
For those of you that don’t know yet (and for some reason care) I have a fetish for shower pictures – or more specificly men in showers (perhaps now I have a bit more of your attention). There is just something about the water running down the exquisitely perfect bodies that is just so inviting, so yummy! Take Mr. Slippery on the photo below, those eyes are just screaming for another hand to help him… wash!
So from now on Saturdays are dedicated to those pictures so hot they need a shower to cool them down. Or men so dirty (and by that I mean actual dirt… think firemen or rugby players) they need an extra long shower to get them clean and if we are really lucky an extra pair of hands to get to all those hard to reach places!
Tomorrow we’ll get back to some actual writing. For tonight just enjoy the view!
Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”
Current Recovery (Friday, 21 December 2007)
Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”
Somebody left this comment on one of my blog entries. I decided to post it after one of my friends pretty much said the same things to me today. Seems that most communication my way is now done in screaming and while I hope anybody don’t think screaming is going to make a positive difference, I guess I have to respect that they have to get rid of their anger in some way.
Most people in my life feel like this I guess… some have gotten around to tell me, others just haven’t had the chance yet. After the things I have recently done I can’t argue with it any of it. I can’t even ask for forgiveness or say I feel helpless because I’ll just be accused of trying to get sympathy.
I wanted to sensor the swear words below but it would have pissed me off if half the paragraph was blacked out. Here is what Amanda said after my blog post “The Last Road”
“This is fucking stupid. this whole thing, this whole fuckiness of a life that people call a fucking life is stupid and pointless ‘cuz it all sucks, and it’s just gonna keep on sucking and there's only sometimes happy moments in between. You know what junkies do? They ruin their fuckin’ lives and then they proceed to fuck everyone elses up too. They make people cry over every fucking little thing, and hate themselves for not being enough and want to die. That’s what the fuck they do. They don't care about them FUCKING selves, they don't care about their families, they don't care about their fucking 11 year old daughters 3000 fucking miles away getting poked in the butt by some dude. they don't fucking care, because wooooo that feels good. fuck ‘em all.”
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
Current Recovery (Saturday, 1 December 2007)
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
It is 1 December 2007 - International Aids Day. I’ve spent most of this day really unaware of the significance of what today is really about to millions of people around the world. I have been tested for AIDS before, but not since I started taking heroin. I haven’t had the courage to go yet. I honestly don’t foresee a problem, since I never really shared needles or had unprotected sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Even so, there is always a possibility and I know I should stop avoiding the problem and face it.
My whole life has been like that: avoiding the problem, avoiding talking or sometimes fighting about the problem, even fixing the problem was sometimes avoided. I guess, some part of me thinks if I avoid it long enough it will just go away. I have found out the hard way that is not the case. The problem never goes away. It always stays there and at the most inopportune time it will pop up again. No problem… I can just avoid it again, right!
Much of my heroin experience I have avoided the real issues. I mean, sometimes I mentioned some of them here but do I really change any of them? Only I know the emotions and feelings, the secrets that don’t even make it to these pages. Only I know the truth behind every decision and every consequence. Only I know… and I know it has to change, something has to change!
It is a bit early to make resolutions for the New Year, but I’m giving myself an extra month to do it. I know if I try and sort out the problems in my life instead of running away from them many other things will fall into place. I guess the 1st of December is about making more of the time we have on this earth and looking after ourselves to make sure we have enough time to complete what we have to do here. Perhaps I see the significance of it afterall.
Day 370 – “The last road”
Current Recovery (Thursday, 29 November 2007)
Day 370 – “The last road”
I have always seen it as a last resort. When all other avenues have been exhausted… then… and only then do we venture on this forbidden road. I mean, addicts go to Rehabs right. Oh ye… now I remember. I am one!
I have had to make peace with the fact that most alternate roads have already been traveled. In fact I left those roads in an awful state with vandalized road signs, fainting paint and huge pot holes. Rehab is one of the last remaining ones.
So, obviously I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I need professional help in some way or form. Even with my remarkable recovery the first time around, I spent my fair share in depressing depths. I always figured I would see somebody professional when I’m back on my feet financially. Unfortunately this latest drug binge left me in a very bad way with many financial institutions and I don’t see that happening soon.
Even before my heroin addiction I have always made it a point never to just miss work for any reason. I rarely take holidays and I rarely stay home sick. Even with my recovery last time I didn’t miss one day of work to stay at home and recover. I had a heroin addict friend who constantly took off from work always with some kind of excuse, usually he was at home withdrawing from heroin. In the end he quit his job and went to rehab. Unfortunately he came back only to start the habit again and he hasn’t been able to keep a job since.
I have seriously considered rehab or something similar but I feel very strong about this one thing. I can’t just quit my job. My job is very important to me and it is one of the few things keeping me from totally losing my mind. There is also a new project starting in 2008 which I might be in charge off – so things are looking up in that area. And to be totally honest there is no guarantee any attempt at rehab would even work.
I have already made up my mind regarding the issue and will share it with you in due time. In the mean time however, I would love to hear your views about this if you consider what I mentioned about my job. It is always nice to get an opinion of what ‘the public’ thinks and since I regard many of you as close friends it makes your opinion all the more important.
Coming Up during the week!
The posts that follows during the week touches on HIV, Rehab and a look into my drug past with LSD/Acid. Remember to send your questions to be answered on the blog via e-mail (tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za). The questions can be about my heroin addiction specificly or just general stuff you might have been wondering about.
Hope to hear from you all.
Christiaan (aka Tristan)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
Current Recovery (Tuesday, 27 November 2007)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
I am currently reading a book by Steve Hamilton called ‘I want my life back’. It is the second time I am reading it and it truly is a scary and inspirational story about drug addiction in general but specifically the viciousness of heroin addiction and recovery. The sad thing is I read this book the first time BEFORE I started injecting heroin. I was only smoking it at that time. Even my best friend at the time was living a life which mirrored much of what happened to Steve and none of that raised warning flags to me. I still injected it for some reason thinking it won’t happen to me. I think a lot of heroin addiction stories starts of like that.
My blog sites on 24.com, BlogSpot and Facebook all look a bit different from this week. In addition to the physical appearance I have decided to start including more stories of my past drug experiences – after all, those experiences created the person I am today. I originally thought of keeping them all for the book (the one I am still supposed to right about my recovery). Recent events however proved to me that my life story and my story about recovery is very far from finished and when I start writing the book there will be more than enough experiences to include in there…
For the moment I will just keep to my blog entries. Due to my busy work on the road the blog posts are often a bit late. I apologize for that. My office is closing in 2 weeks for the Christmas Holidays. I’ll be on standby and helping out at my old job. So, I’m sure things will run more smoothly then.
Lastly, something new again on the blog is ‘Q&A’. I have recently been bombarded with questions and felt maybe a lot of other people are wondering about the same things. So, please feel free to ask your questions by sending them to tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za and I’ll answer them once a week on the blog.
Check you all tomorrow again.
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
Current Recovery (Sunday, 25 November 2007)
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
It is Sunday - a month before Christmas. I have ruined yet another weekend for my family. I don’t need to give much detail, since we all know my repetious destructive cycle off by heart by now. My million too many chances are up. I will discuss more about this and my decision regarding rehab during the week.
I have been slowly moving away from my friends and family into my own little secluded corner. Heroin is definitely not a drug that you take with a bunch of people unlike ecstasy or cocaine which is usually at its best the more people you have around you. I spent last night with my two best friends, more company than I've had in weeks. They met each other through one of my famous parties (in the time when we still had them). The parties were normally something many people looked forward to every year and of course had their share of brilliant music, many unknown and uninvited faces, alcohol and of course other substances. For a very long time “having fun” was something I couldn’t do without drugs. Right now I’ll just settle for “feeling normal”.
After talking to my friends last night I realized just how much this has affected them, even with my slow recoil into darkness. They have stood by me through all of this last time and this time but unsurprisingly their patience is now wearing very thin. And even though I truly admire and appreciate their dedicated friendship it is the support and patience of my parents that I find nothing short of a miracle.
My friends, I think, at the worst of times only get a fraction of what is really going on. My family however is living with it in their faces day by day, they feel the full extend of it and still they've found ways to help me through it.
All I keep thinking is how this all should have gone down differently. My mother’s birthday last month and mine at the end of it. My new life with my new job and new boyfriend. This celebration of a year in recovery and even the Christmas celebration – it all should have been so different. We won’t be doing much regarding presents this year and even though slightly cliché, I know that the biggest gift I can give anybody close to me or even myself is just getting clean again.
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”
My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 24 November 2007)
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”
I just made myself a cup of coffee. I can’t remember when last I had something which was as routine in my life as brushing teeth or going to work. These days none of it means the same to me. Nothing is the same. I know I am not. The people that know me the best keep telling me how much I have changed, how much I disappoint them and how quickly I am killing myself.
I find it strange and weird to be writing this entry tonight. It is 24 November 2007 and exactly a year go today I started my Heroin Recovery. For the past few months I’ve been trying to remember what drove me to that day, where I got the will to start and the strength to continue. It is 12 months later and I find myself exactly where I started. The relationships I was still trying to build up, the trust I never really got back in the same way, even the money that lied spent on a feeling I could never seem to have again – all of it destroyed again!
My blogging has been quiet, I know! I should apologize for the silence but to tell you the truth I’ve spent so much time apologizing lately that it doesn’t mean much. I’ve even started to believe my own lies. I started blogging again because I still have a lot to say. Right now, I don’t know how to say half of what I feel or even a fraction of what is going on in my life. And to be honest I don’t know how many people are left to even listen or read. My friends and family are at a point I have never seen them. Frightening to think you’ve driven people to ends they never thought they could ever go. I am that person.
I am a heroin addict. No matter what I tell you in the next few days or what I try and do about it in the weeks to follow – that fact will not change. Even so, I find amazing comfort in posting another blog entry tonight. You see… as long as I make entries on this blog I am more than just a heroin addict – I am a heroin addict in recovery!
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 9 November 2007)
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. It has fast become one of my favourite TV programs ever. I must say there is a part of me that can relate to each one of the brothers or sisters on the program. Obviously the drug addict in me relates more with Jason (the wash out drug addict currently in Rehab) and the gay part of me relates better with Kevin (the gay lawyer). Last night Kevin made friends with a ‘straight guy’ at gym who unexpectedly kissed him while they hanging out and then they let… well... let other things hang out. That part I can definitely relate to. Whether it is something to be proud of or not, I’m not sure. But exactly the same thing has happened quite a few times with me in the past. One thing I can say is there is nothing else in the world that makes you feel as alive as such as experience. Unfortunately, just like Kevin when you reach the next day they chose to forget and the magnificent experience is just a memory that only you seem to remember.
I have become an expert on hiding my true feelings when it comes to certain people and after years of drug addiction, certain things. Heroin addiction made me a cheater and betrayer out of me. Such a good one, infact, that I could fool most people at any given time. Unfortunately hiding that part doesn’t leave you feeling excited at all… eventually it only hurts feelings and breaks relationships.
Luckily, and my friends will confirm this, I have always been better in expressing my feelings on paper. Perhaps that is why blogging was such a good idea. I don’t think a verbal diary would have gotten anywhere close to the truths revealed on the blog. Maybe it is because I can’t see who is reading my blog when I’m typing it. You see, then there is nobody to look in the eyes and instinctively lie to. If that is the case I’ll close my eyes and I’ll type pretending that nobody is watching. At least not watching how I fall and fail but rather standing behind me and help me get up!
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 8 November 2007)
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
I have so much to say, not only about my recovery but general things which other people also blog about. Whenever I try and put some of the words in my head on paper or pixels on the computer screen nothing seems to come out right. Every word or every sentence just comes out wrong. I’m not sure if it is writer’s block because I actually think I have a lot of things to write about – for some reason though it isn’t working on paper.
I have not been feeling very well the past few days. I realize just all to well the damage heroin has caused yet again. My body is broken in too many places to mention, the scary part is most of those places I am not even aware of yet. My days are still very up and down. Today is good, tomorrow may not be. What gets me through some days is knowing that after a few tomorrows it will eventually get better.
I am sorry for being so quiet lately. The office has exploded with work and I am more out of town than I am in town. There are so much new things happening. As soon as I am sure it is not just talk I’ll talk about some of it here. All I can say now is that once again I have been given an amazing chance. A chance to do what I love, a chance to be a better employee and a chance to make up for my previous wrongs.
I have been given a lot of chances lately. Some days I don’t know if I deserve any of them and I see it as a miracle that my friends and family are still there helping me. My best friend phones me everyday to check up on me. My parents check everyday if I’m okay and what they can do to help me. I know the biggest gift I can give any of them is to get better. I know right now that is the biggest gift I can give myself!
Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”
Q & A (Sunday, 28 October 2007)
Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”
A lot of things are different in my life this time around. My work for instance is much more demanding and active and I travel a lot more. Since I’m not in the office the whole day like I was last year getting the blog posted on time isn’t always possible. I still want to update you on the progress day by day – so please bare with me if the posts are a day or two late sometimes.
I am asking a question today which a few have already answered. I hope you’ll participate by answering this question as well as the others to follow in the weeks ahead. These questions are specificly about heroin addiction or my recovery and I ask them in an attempt for us all to understand some of the choices or mistakes a bit better.
Today I want to know if you think I should go to Rehab and when you think I should go. Do you feel it is long overdue or do you believe I have and can manage without the help of an institution?
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”
Flashback (Saturday, 27 October 2007)
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”
This piece was originally posted on 25 November 2007, on Day 2 of My Heroin Recovery. I can only smile at the similarities…
I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.
They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.
I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?
I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 26 October 2007)
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”
Today is Day 7. Strange saying that again, going from over 300 days to just 7. I must say that the time passes a lot faster than last time. Every day last year felt like an eternity, but I think that had a lot to do with the mess in my life that still had to be fixed. Even though this relapse shouldn’t be taken lightly at all – I don’t think the damage is the same as last time. Then again, given enough time it probably would have reached it again. If I could beat this last time when all the odds were against me, then I can certainly do it now.
For a moment today I was bombarded with issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing for heroin. It has become such a convenient escape… all I had to do was take heroin and everything was better (well… to me at least). In the process I leave all the sober people in my life to deal with the problems I should be dealing with. My parents have actually said on occasion that perhaps they should also have taken heroin thinking that they would then understand a lot of the things I do. I guess that point is arguable, since I often don’t know what the hell I’m doing!
One thing I am trying to do right is the medicine. Somebody asked during the week what medicine I was taking that allowed me to go back to work after just a weekend. The medicine I am on still for a few days is Subutex then I am switching to Physeptone/Methodone. In the mornings when I open my eyes it is the first thing I reach for and in those few moments before it starts working I must say I feel like sh*t. Unfortunately, it is also addictive so when and how much of it I take must be carefully monitored.
Soon I will leave all the medicine and I’ll have to live through the pain that took over 50 days last time before it went away. Even my teeth are acting up because of heroin and I will have to see a dentist next week. So, pain will come and go I guess but it is the price that I need to and will willingly pay to live a normal life again!
