Saturday, 17 February 2007 – Day 86/9 – “A Poem by Veronica”
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman or man
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
Day 86/9 – “A Poem by Veronica”
Friday's Quote!
“I had someone at the Houston police station shoot me with heroin so I could do a story about it. The experience was a special kind of hell. I came out understanding full well how one could be addicted to ‘smack’, and quickly.”
- Dan Rather
Day 85/8 – “The Usual Suspects”
Friday, 16 February 2007 – Day 85/8 – “The Usual Suspects”
I have come to the following conclusion. I live in a train station. At night I sleep walk and trains hit me. That must be why I feel like this every morning! This morning has been considerably bad. Feels like the Gau-train hit me last night. It takes me forever to get out bed and make myself presentable. The sad thing is I was just getting better before I took again.
When I asked everybody to send me questions I got an interesting one: “Do you ever think that your addiction and the reason why you, as an educated, intelligent, well-raised person even got involved in heroin, was because you have a self-destructive streak.” Well, that is surely one to ask my therapist when I get one.
The longest I was clean before I started my recovery was 8 days. On the 8th day after my test I took heroin. Then when my recovery started and things were just getting better, on day 18, after yet another test, I took heroin again. Just before reaching Day 60, while things were looking better – I used yet again. It is asif I sabotage my recovery each time. I obstruct my efforts, alienate my friends – and this all when I’m not even using heroin. Jeez… I do have some issues!
If you’ve asked to be added to the mailing list and I haven’t added you then please resend the request to tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za. My SPAM checker is a bit eager at times and the most innocent of e-mails gets thrown out. And if you send me an e-mail recently and I haven’t replied – I do apologize, my juggling of multi-tasking it seems isn’t back to normal yet.
And the question I asked two weeks back was, what is your favourite drug movie? The usual suspects popped their heads in the answers. I hope somebody will surprise me with a new one before Sunday! Enjoy the weekend my friends! Chat to you all soon!
Thursday's Quote!
“The nice thing about being a heroin addict is that you either have no problems or one big one”
– Richard Schuldenfrei
Day 84/7 – “Good times, Bad times”
Thursday, 15 February 2007 – Day 84/7 – “Good times, Bad times”
I’m still not sure what it was that started me thinking – but I thought about it a lot last night. How you can’t experience, appreciate, sometimes even notice the good things that happen in your life if you haven’t experienced the bad ones. After all, it is the bad ones that essentially give definition to the good ones. If everything was just good times – we’d just call them ‘times’! It is the fact that we can experience bad times that make the good ones so much more rewarding, so much more real.
So, I ask myself the question. Would I take anything back? Would I do anything differently? You ask a recovering heroin addict that and you’d assume that ‘Yes’ will boom from his vocal cords while his head nod in unison. But I’m still not so sure what to answer.
I read a piece once how somebody compared the baking of a cake to ones life. How, if you offered somebody raw eggs or flower or sugar they’d probably just look at you funny. On its own the ingredients don’t make much sense. It is only when you put them together that you start to bake a cake. And with a cake you’ll tempt much more people than you would with raw eggs.
So, what I’m getting at is that I can’t begin to understand what all these ingredients in my life will end up as. Perhaps I’ve misjudged a few ingredients or skipped some of it completely. I can only hope that my bad times, in the end served for some better purpose, in my own or somebody else’s life.
It is an expensive price to pay, monetary, physically, mentally, definitely emotionally. And if it was the ingredients to something that would ultimately turn out as one of the ‘good times’ – then I shouldn’t want to change, should I?!
Wednesday's Quote!
"People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid."
- Mark "Rent-Boy" Renton
Day 83/6 – “Happy Valentine!”
Wednesday, 14 February 2007 – Day 83/6 – “Happy Valentine!”
Happy Valentines Day to all! This is not really a day I celebrate along with the rest of the world – being single and all but there is this festiveness in the air that just wants you to jump up and dance. And after my stunt last week I doubt I’ll be going dancing anytime in the next few weeks, but that’s the price you pay for stupidity, I guess.
Our office is moving in exactly a week. We are closing for three days and moving everything from the cabinets to the signs to the computers to the screws, so it is going to be hectic. The future of us all is still as unpredictable as a ‘M. Night Shyamalan’ movie which has everybody tense and stressed. On Monday the 26th of February I can finally relax a bit – with or without a job!
This past few weeks people have been asking me a lot how my parents and brother are doing and handling the recovery. Of course, the answer was different last week than it would be now. On my brother’s birthday last week it came out I used heroin. I felt terrible. For some reason I always drag him into it – unintentionally.
We had his birthday party on Saturday. One of our friends, also a recovering heroin addict, was also there. He has been clean for 4-5 years now and talking to him was probably one of the reasons I ended up so positive. The things I am going through or feeling, even the lapses, is something that happens to the strongest of people, even those that took the Rehab path, so I think I am still doing very well.
I especially want to say to my family sitting all the way across the country that I am doing pretty well and that they shouldn’t worry. It might not always seem that way and after weeks like last week, it might not look that way either, but believe me – I am making progress, I am getting better!
Tuesday's Quote!
I don't feel the sickness yet, but it's in the post. That's for sure. I'm in the junkie limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep. Too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea. Pain and craving. A need like nothing else I've ever known will soon take hold of me. It's on its way.
- Mark "Rent-Boy" Renton (Trainspotting Quote)
Day 82/5 – “Purpose”
Tuesday, 13 February 2007 – Day 82/5 – “Purpose”
There were a few times I thought of maybe stopping the blog. I guess you get those days you mistakenly believe that you are cured and that you no longer have the disease – addiction. As I didn’t want to mindless blabber on everyday on a subject that was technically over I considered stopping. But I soon found out that even a 1000 days from now there would still be me and my heroin recovery.
Writing this blog has been one of the most excellent things I’ve done in my life. On a personal level it has been my ‘therapist couch’. I get to lie here everyday and speak my mind, tell my story to the approximately 150 people that read it everyday, excluding the ones on the mailing list.
Imagine telling your story to a 150 people every day and hope that they can understand the methods you sometimes use or forgive you when you relapse. That they can be there for you on the bad days and celebrate with you on the good ones. I know I have helped a few people change their lives around, because they’ve contacted me to tell me. To think that even one person could have been saved from this hell because of my words is very rewarding.
As you know one of the issues I have been struggling with these past few weeks was a purpose. I’ve spent 6-7 years of my life mindlessly drifting around using drugs. Inside I knew I had so much more to offer but I always found myself on a service road somewhere overlooking the highway I was suppose to be on.
Marcy, I think even new people in blogworld know we’ve been friends from the very beginning. From my first entry that Friday afternoon you’ve been there for me. Chinouk, Pilgrim, Madmom, Spidergirl, Tin, Baardman, Kitten, MadamInDubai, AnarchyAngel, Amma, Pam, Richard, MTB, SammyJoe and Tracy to name just a few. I thank you all so very much for your support. I know there are many more out there that comment or read and I hope you’ll all continue to do so in the future.
I am not celebrating the 60 days clean I would have been had it not been for the lapse last week. I am not celebrating 80 days clean had it not been for the lapse on Day 18. But on this and my other blog I am celebrating 82 days with all of you – I am celebrating a purpose!
Day 81/4 – “One, Two, Three, Four...”
Monday, 12 February 2007 – Day 81/4 – “One, Two, Three, Four...”
Well, here we are. I made it past 80 days in my recovery which is very anti-climatic due to the contrasting 4 days I have been clean now. It is very strange reading the title and looking at a number which seems unnatural there. I’ll be reminded everyday of my ‘mistake’ as I read the title.
My intention on Friday was not to post anything this weekend. On Friday my mind was clouded and I was very confused. I just told my mom, still had to tell my dad and slowly as friends and family were reading the blog I started getting calls and e-mails about something I wasn’t really ready to talk about.
On Saturday morning when I woke up, after everybody that had to know, knew… I felt much better. I decided to start writing everything down that I was feeling. The original 7 page emotional outburst was reduced to the two blog entries of this weekend. It was strangely received, as well. I found myself amazingly positive over the weekend despite the setback – and most people’s response were that I needed professional help.
Not exactly what I wanted to hear – but the truth is what we tell on this blog. Unfortunately as far as I know there isn’t much support for ‘drug addicts’ where I live. I can’t just pop in to NA Meetings anytime of the week. But it doesn’t mean that I am not working on the problem and fighting to prevent future lapses.
Even today, I am extremely positive even with the slight withdrawal symptoms still lurking inside of me. Amazing what damage a little heroin does, one time and I feel like a zombie again with my insides screaming.
I am mad at myself as well, as I’m sure many are. I don’t take what happened last week lightly. But I also feel that as long as I can have regret about happened and the will to keep on fighting to make it better – everything will turn out okay.
Day 80/3 - "And then there were two... (Part 2)"
Sunday, 11 February 2007 - Day 80/3 - "And then there were two... (Part 2)"
I wanted it all to go away. This unsure butterfly feeling that hung over me like a storm cloud, I wanted it gone. I wanted piece and quiet in my heart, in my mind, in my life, at work… just… silence, emotionless, comforting silence… and the easy way out, the one thing that would take it all away, even if it was just for a few hours… was heroin!
And as much as you would like to understand as a non-addict and even sometimes as a non-heroin-addict, you probably can’t. You sit there reading this and can’t imagine how somebody that stayed clean for almost 60 days, could for any reason throw it all away.
You read this as one of the people that gave me their cellphone number, e-mail address or MSN address and you wonder why I didn’t contact you then if things were going that bad. Or you read this as a family member knowing how much this tore our family apart and you wonder why I would put them through it all again. I’m the addict here and I don’t even understand it!
There is a big part of me that still feel so guilty. I have taken a few steps back in my recovery. Everybody is a bit suspicious of my every move again and I can’t go out of the house without questions. I dented the trust I was already struggling to rebuild.
But I’m staying positive. Taking again is not something I want to do, even once, but it will or might happen and if it does I’m not going to sit in the corner and cry about it. I won’t let any of my friends or family members do either. It happened, its over and I’m moving on. The thing that scares me – is not the taking – it is the not stopping!
Day 79/2 - "And then there were two... (Part 1)"
Saturday, 10 February 2007 - Day 79/2 - "And then there were two... (Part 1)"
I made a mistake… probably the first though you get when you look at the title. Day 79/2… there must some mistake right… two… two… no… not a two… Just two days ago it was about to reach 60… it can’t be a two…
I made a mistake… but the mistake was taking heroin!
Our company is merging with another company. Essentially this means we all need to reapply and motivate our position or purpose in the company and hope we get rehired. There is a strong possibility that either my mother or I, who knows perhaps both, could sit without work. Even if one or both of us get rehired, it might be at reduced salary. And for a person that has debt at almost every financial institution in this country and recently crashed his car which is now being written off… this is not the best of news.
Our company is moving in a bit more than a week, by then all the outstanding work in every department needs to be up to date and basically the whole building needs to be packed up and moved to the new location. Consequently, work is a mess. The stress levels in the building is enough to give power to Cape Town, everybody is stressing, crying, shouting. Some days it feels like a war zone.
Besides that, this feeling of inferiority has plagued me recently. The realization that I am an addict and an addict I will always be haunts me. I know of this brilliant minded person, with such a genuine, honest soul that lies hidden away under layers of addict that I’ll spend years trying to peel away at.
I wanted it all to go away. This unsure butterfly feeling that hung over me like a storm cloud, I wanted it gone. I wanted piece and quiet in my heart, in my mind, in my life, at work… just… silence, emotionless, comforting silence… and the easy way out, the one thing that would take it all away, even if it was just for a few hours… was heroin!
Part 2 continues later today…
Friday's Quote!
"I've never done heroin, but I totally understood what would drive people to that distraction - to need that so much."
Sarah McLachlan
P.S) For those that actually pay attention in class, my day counter has reset. I won't be blogging anything this weekend. I have a lot of things to sort out and explaining to do. I hope that I'll be back on Monday with renewed hope and stories to tell my friends.
Day 78/1 – “A way in!"
Friday, 9 February 2007 - Day 78/1 – “A way in!"
[Type Explanation Here]
I guess I should explain… but… I just don’t know how to yet!
T.B
Thursday's Quote!
I realized that I would do drugs alone. I didn't need anyone to do them with me. I was a drug addict.
- Tatum O'Neal
Day 77/59 – “A big fancy house!"
Thursday, 8 February 2007 - Day 77/59 – “My big fancy house!"
My mind is a house - A big fancy house, with a huge wall surrounding it and electric fencing keeping the burglars out. I feel safe in my house because no matter who tries and get in – my fence will protect me.
One day I look outside the window and I see my old friend heroin standing there. I remember the good times we used to have together even though we didn’t part on good terms. He was a user and abuser throughout our friendship and in the end he didn’t care about me one bit. Even so, we still had good times together.
Maybe he has changed, I tell myself. Maybe things could be like they used to be, before it all turned bad. Maybe I should give him another chance! Or maybe he hasn’t. Maybe he is still the same old devil he has always been. I close the window! My house is still safe, I am still safe!
Perhaps I don’t even see him standing across the road. I don’t want to know him, talk to him, see him anymore. That part of my life is over and I wouldn’t recognize him if he stood next to me. But he is there still there looking for ways to get in.
The storms that hang over my head, darken my house as the power goes off again. It has happened a lot lately. It is too dark in the house for me to see anything. I keep bumping into tables and boxes. I don’t see him climbing over the wall – I won’t see him until he is inside the house, standing next to me - greeting me, like he never left!
Two of the people I met through the blogs, have family members who are also heroin addicts and they recently relapsed. A relapse by a fellow recovering addict places everything in such a clear perspective for you. This hallmark moment of easy heroin recovery is crushed when reality reminds you – nothing about this is easy!
At times like these you want to ask them: “Why…? Why would you take again? Why after fighting for so long would you ever consider the thought?” And when you hear the news you want to be angry or hurt, you want to fight with them, blame them… But it isn’t their fault. They were watching the gate. They thought the fence was protecting them. But Heroin is the one that wants to get in… Heroin is the one that will find a way in!
Wednesday's Quote!
"When we meet, I'm interested and I'm curious about what he's doing because he's burning a number from a client. And I'm like, 'Who is this?' and my girlfriend's like, 'That's a drug dealer. Stay away from him.'"
- Rosario Dawson
Day 76/58 - "He knew (remembering)"
Wednesday, 7 February 2007 - Day 76/58 - "He knew (remembering)"
I posted this piece exactly a month ago. And perhaps the repost today might not yet testify of my frame of mind today, I think tomorrow's post might shed some light.
Here is to remembering my friend...
He knew he was going to die. He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he would never be able to separate from it. He knew each time he pushed the needle into his collapsing veins that sooner or later his organs, his body, his life would all fail him. One by one they would leave him until the only thing that remained was the last bit of breath he blew from his body, that and the damage of heroin.
I can remember him like I saw him yesterday. It was a sight that most people should never get to see, especially not his parents. He was lying there, wild eyes, yellowish face, sunken eyes. I had never seen anybody like this before. He was delusional, most of the times he didn’t know where he was – but he kept saying “Sorry!” Sorry for the things he has done, sorry for letting it all go this far, sorry for dying.
He knew he was going to die. He wrote in his diary prior to his death that he knew he wasn’t going to live a long life. He told me on several occasions how he couldn’t stand the withdrawal and would rather keep on taking the drugs than face it. I think he knew his body wouldn’t be able to take much more.
I visited him in hospital that day. I looked at him lying there. We weren’t the best of friends but he was always good to me. He stood up for me, protected me – we spend a lot of time together. And there I was hours after taking heroin myself helplessly staring at him, unable to protect him.
In the midst of my emotionless staring I thought to myself I don’t want to end up like this. I don’t want to put my parents through this, this stress, this pain, this uncertainty. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to stop. I thought to myself if there was a switch I could flip to make it all go away I would have done it a long time ago. But even with him lying there, staring death in the face neither of us could switch it off. The first chance either of us got we would have gone to find heroin.
But he never made it that far. His funeral was a week after that day. I entered the church with not much recollection of how much heroin I took just moments before. My eyes were dim and my pupils were hardly visible. I sat down and nodded off occasionally as the heroin spread through my body, listening to the story of his life.
A story of a boy that lost his life at such a young age. Heroin only had him in its clutches for 10 months, 7 of those he was on heroin, but during that time he used 10 times as much as me. Thinking back at the times we took heroin together I realize that each time we took it was minutes closer to his death – to mine... He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he knew most of all he would never be able to separate from it. He knew he was going to die!
Tuesday's Quote
“You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye.”
- Hunter S. Thompson
Day 75/57 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 2)"
Tuesday, 6 February 2007 - Day 75/57 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 2)"
Welcome to the blog couch. Here are the second part of the questions and answers. You are welcome to keep sending any questions you think I need to answer for you or for myself. There are still lots more and some of them I can only answer after doing a blog entry about the subject. So, buckle up for interesting week!
Why did you start taking heroin?
I think the question I need to answer is why I took drugs in the first place. Let’s say you smoke weed. You won’t ever imagine injecting heroin. I started by taking ecstasy and I set the boundaries for myself, saying I’ll never take acid or coke or never ever take heroin. And after a while on ecstasy you try the next thing and then the next and every time your boundaries shift a bit allowing just a bit more. You think that the next one isn’t that much worse than the one you are currently taking so it’s not bad. Going from taking cocaine to smoking heroin to injecting heroin is small steps and at the time it might not seem that bad. I was bored I was curious, I was experimental, and I was interested… I don’t know. Some times it was just ‘peer pressure’
Are you blaming your friends then?
No… nobody ever forced me to take drugs. I am a smart boy who makes my own conscious decisions. I call it peer pressure because the choice I was faced with was “don’t take drugs and go home and sleep” or “take drugs and party the night away.” If you know me – then that choice wasn’t too hard to make!
Why did you stop taking heroin?
I didn’t like the person it was turning me into. I started taking heroin maybe under the false impression that it wouldn’t happen to me. I knew how dangerous heroin was but I guess I honestly thought I could try it once and stop. When I woke up one day and realized I was addicted (just like every other person I read about) I knew I was heading in one direction unless I did something.
So, what did you do?
I saw a doctor, got medicine to help with the withdrawals and I really thought it was over. And then after being clean for a week or two you think it is over. It was that thought that made me fall back day after day for 8 months. After countless struggles, threads or close-calls I chose to be honest with myself for a change and stop taking heroin. I stopped leaving “back doors” open or hide needles all over the place or hiding information or methods of how I could score again. I was honest with myself and everybody else… that was also the beginning of this blog!
Have your parents read the blog?
My friends, family, co-workers even (and this I found out last night) my grandmother is reading my blog. My parents haven’t read it yet. I printed them a copy this past week – so I guess all will be revealed to them soon!
Tomorrow’s blog:
I’m having dreams again. I call them dreams even though my make me wake up in a cold sweat, guilty and depressed. I call them dreams because while I have them… I am in my dream world again. I am using heroin again!
Monday's Quote!
"Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with”
- George Carlin
Day 74/56 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 1)"
Monday, 5 February 2007 - Day 74/56 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 1)"
Welcome to the blog couch. My weekly therapy session with YOU! I asked everybody to send me questions so that you could all get to know me better and really for myself to get to know me better. And the response was enormous… thank you all. Here is the first bunch of them...
You’ve been feeling very depressed the last week. Are things better?
Things are improving. Some days I guess it seems like I’m just complaining on the blog. My life can still be an emotional rollercoaster at times. I am dealing with everyday issues just like everybody else, but at the same time I’m trying not to involve drugs while ‘dealing’ with them.
Do you believe you can overcome this?
In the beginning I don’t think I thought so. You hope for the best every day and I really surprised myself with the progress I made. I guess the answer is yes. I am determined that I can not only overcome my heroin addiction but also stop any future addiction or drug use.
Did you think you would relapse again or will relapse again?
In the beginning I knew it would happen sooner or later. As much as I wanted to get and stay clean there was a part of me that still wanted to try it sometime, somewhere in the future. When I did take again on Day 18 – that feeling of ‘I want to take again’ was gone. After that day I was sure that I would never take heroin again!
If heroin was offered to you… would you be able to say “No!”
I wish there was a nice answer to give here. But the reality is… I don’t think I would be able to say no. I don’t have an urge to go get heroin. I don’t crave it. I very rarely think about it these days. But if it was here lying next to me or being offered to me… I’m sad to say I think heroin would win that round!
If you had to do this over again, would you go to Rehab instead of doing it without it?
If I had to turn back time and do it over again from last year, then No, I still wouldn’t go to Rehab. I stopped taking heroin and went through recovery while still going to work every single day. Somehow I just knew it would be better for me that way. If I had to relapse and get addicted to heroin again – I will willingly go to rehab, because then I am not strong enough to overcome this addiction.
Difficult tasks and events in life are said to make us stronger, and in most cases I believe this to be true.... but I also believe that strength is choice. Do you choose strength above all else after your struggle?
It is cliché I know, but “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!” And taking into account some of the things that happened in my life lately, I could have died many times, but I survived and came out a stronger person because of it. A stronger person that obviously still had something to do here on earth. Every time something happens in my life I choose to be strong or I choose to crumble to the easy way out – addiction. I think I am still making the choice to be strong every day!
** Part 2 continues tomorrow...
Day 73/55 – “Discussion/Poll 4"
Sunday, 4 February 2007 - Day 73/55 – “Discussion/Poll 4"
The question I asked two weeks back was ‘What do people do on weekdays, Fridays, Saturdays when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?’
Thank you to everybody that gave their opinion. I got some great ideas. Unfortunately stuff like ‘Ten Pin Bowling’ or ‘going to the beach’ is not possible here but the rest I will give a try!
One of the ideas mentioned below actually intrigued me so much that I am planning to start doing it soon… more about that during the week!
- Movie watching with friends (marathon evenings)
- Read
- Gardening
- PC or TV Games
- Cooking, Baking
- Paint
- Chat online
- Blog
- Get a pet (goldfish)
- Game nights (Trivial Pursuit/Pictionary/Risk/30 seconds/scrabble/poker)
- Walking on the beach
- Gym, weight lifting, Martial Arts
- Bowling
- Clubbing
- Braai
- Play Pool
- Adventure Golf
- Ten Pin Bowling
- Woodwork, metal work, sculpture
- Scrap booking
The question for the next two weeks is:
What is your favorite drug movie? Doesn’t have to be a movie about heroin, it could be a movie about any legal, illegal, real or fictitious drugs.
Day 72/54 – “Take me in your arms, Miss Heroin (by Anonymous)"
Saturday, 3 February 2007 - Day 72/54 – “Take me in your arms, Miss Heroin (by Anonymous)"
So now, little man, you've grown tired of grass
LSD, goofballs, cocaine and hash,
and someone, pretending to be a true friend,
said, "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin."
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
just let me inform you of how it will be.
For I will seduce you and make you my slave,
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves.
You think you could never become a disgrace,
and end up addicted to Poppy seed waste.
So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon,
you'll take me into your arms very soon.
And once I've entered deep down in your veins,
The craving will nearly drive you insane.
You'll swindle your mother and just for a buck.
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charm,
and feel contentment when I'm in your arms.
The day, when you realize the monster you've grown,
you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
If you think you've got that mystical knack,
then sweetie, just try getting me off your back.
The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots.
The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot.
The hot chills and cold sweats, withdrawal pains,
can only be saved by my little white grains.
There's no other way, and there's no need to look,
for deep down inside you know you are hooked.
You'll desperately run to the pushers and then,
you'll welcome me back to your arms once again.
And you will return just as I foretold!
I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart.
And you will be mine until, "Death Do Us Part"
Friday's Quote!
Drug Quote for Today:
There is only one reason why men become addicted to drugs,
they are weak men. Only strong men are cured, and they cure themselves.
--Martin H. Fischer
Day 71/53 – “Drive-Thru”
Friday, 2 February 2007 – Day 71/53 – “Drive-Thru”
“How can I get drugs…? Let me count the ways…” I was always amazed at how resourceful a drug addict could be. No matter what the boundaries were they put up I found some way to get around it and score.
I haven’t specifically mentioned this before but my mom and I work together at the same company. Infact, we sit across from each other. This testifies to the cunningness I demonstrated while taking heroin all those months. But when it came time to get clean it worked to my benefit. Having a parent so close by not only to keep a watch but to listen and to comfort me – really helped!
I had a different approach to the recovery from what I saw in other people. Their responses to help were ‘Leave me alone. It’s got nothing to do with you. What do you know? What do you care?’ it was typical stubborn behavior of an addict that didn’t want to get clean. I did it differently. I wanted help and I accepted and appreciated it when I got it. I worked with the people trying to help me and not against them as many others did. But it was only to a point – to the point where the craving kicked in. Then nothing else mattered, all I wanted, all I needed from anybody was heroin!
And getting heroin, getting any drugs is easy especially in this small city. It is more of a mission to buy bread at the local supermarket than it is to get drugs. You make one call and conveniently get the dealer at the pickup point in the area. You don’t get out of the car – you just do the transaction through the window and done! No parking! No Car Guards! No getting out! No queues! Simpler than buying a bread!
So, as we explore reasons for my drug taking I realize that much of the use over the years were purely because of boredom and very much convenience. Sounds like two of the stupidest reasons to throw your life away – but hey, nobody said the reasons were supposed to be smart!
Thursday's Quote!
Blog world (or especially the 24.com blogworld) was crazy today. I'm sure the servers got close to crashing from all the posts. Let me do my bit and do a second post today...
Drug quote for today:
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." - Lily Tomlin
ha ha... I found this funny... must have been somebody ON drugs!
T.B
Day 70/52 – “Seventy!”
Thursday, 1 February 2007 – Day 70/52 – “Seventy!”
I didn’t like it. The first time I smoked it, I didn’t like it at all. I’ve never been a big smoking fan - cigarettes, weed, crack… the whole smoking thing just never caught my interest. But I was then, as I am now, a curious and experimental person. I would try anything once. This was the time I tried crack cocaine.
I remember taking cocaine the first time – didn’t like it. I was a pill junky and anything that didn’t give me ecstasy high just wasn’t going to do. I tried it anyway. I don’t think it was a liking in it that made me try it the second time – maybe just wanted to give it another try cause everybody else was doing it (see the problem there). Soon, I was trying it 3-4 times a week.
So, when I smoked crack the first time I didn’t like it that much either. Again, very possibly because I was comparing it to my drug of choice – ecstasy. In true experimental fashion I tried it again and again and again. And as damaging and dangerous as heroin is – crack is just a vicious drug.
The affect of smoking crack rocks is not long lasting. Soon after you’ve smoked one you want another, and another, and another. I can’t even describe it. It is this purgatory where your only feeling is I want more, your only thought is how to get more and your only action is going to get more. But then again… that is what all drugs do to me!
Today, I've been in recovery 70 days... whoo-haaa...
The power in Pietersburg went out last night – thank you Eskom! I have to thank everybody for participating in the ‘blog couch’ question asking. I received so many questions it will take me the whole weekend to give them the attention they deserve – so look out for them on Monday. Receiving so many made me realize there is still a lot of questions that need answering – stuff you don’t know about me, stuff I don’t know about myself. But then again that was the purpose of doing it – so thank you!
Day 69/51 – “Form Follows Function”
Wednesday, 31 January 2007 – Day 69/51 – “Form Follows Function”
The most important question I could ask myself is if a professional therapist could help me find the direction I seek?! And maybe in that one question lies the reason for asking all the other questions. “Yes… No… Maybe… I just don’t know!” I’d like to think, yes. I’d like to think that there is help available, that perhaps somebody out there has an answer…
I have an obsession, a fixed idea that keeps driving me back to my drugs. I have a compulsion that causes me to be unable to stop at one fix, one pill, one anything.
I have a history of drug abuse. Through the years I have used and abused numerous different drugs and every time I managed to stop and ignorantly continue with my life until my obsession and compulsion drove me to the next thing.
Heroin addiction was the worst thing that happened in my life. It shot me in my knees and while I lay there bleeding it kicked me repeatedly until I hung but inches away from death… that is what heroin did because that is what heroin does. But, heroin gave me this – the realization that I am an addict, the clarity to see some of my problems and the determination to solve them before I end up on my knees again.
I have one quote I always remember, one line I believe in and try to live by: “When we know better, we do better…”. Perhaps my faults, which may or may not be many, is obvious to you and oblivious to me. That is probably the reason I am here then - trying to know better, trying to do better!
Day 68/50 – “A Beautiful Mind”
Tuesday, 30 January 2007 – Day 68/50 – “A Beautiful Mind”
Addiction, as typically defined, is a reliance on a substance or behavior that the individual has little power to resist. It is further described as a “brain disease” and a “chronic relapsing disease” in that there are visible alterations in the brains of addicted individuals and these effects are long-lasting within their neurological patterns.
My name is Christiaan, some of you know me as Tristan (TB) and I am an addict.
Sometimes I struggle to come to terms with it. There is a part of me that believes this is all a bad dream and when I pinch myself I will wake up with little memory of this traumatic nightmare. There is a part of me that believes when I wake up tomorrow I will be cured. That longing will no longer be inside of me and I master the act of stopping and stopping and stopping.
There are people out there that perhaps seem a bit perplexed by the idea of addiction. How it is that a person cannot stop at one or two or three when they so easily accomplish the supposedly insignificant task themselves? I ask myself the very same question sometimes, testing myself, testing fate (if you want) to see if I have learned to stop and to stop and to stop.
I find comfort in the fact that I am asking these questions and querying these situations. As I am reminded everyday by the people that keep me sane, that keep me positive, that keep me well – I am trying to be better. I am examining my life, admitting to my problems and trying to change them. I guess you can call that recovery – so at best I’m a recovering addict.
One is too many and a thousand is never enough. These are the words that addicts live by, because for them there is no stopping at two, there is no stopping until nothing is left: No money, no family, and no life! And for addicts there will always be that longing that need to start something, just once and just once and… just once!
