Friday, 15 June 2007
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
I’ve got the earphones on my head and a piano solo from Titanic is booming in my ears. For this moment there is nothing else in my head. It’s just me and soothing, relaxing music slowly pushing me into a very nostalgic longing for somebody I’ve probably never met before.
I’ve always been ready to find love. I always knew that if it had to rest its feet on my porch I would welcome it with open arms because without a doubt I would be ready for it. Of course, gullible old me, pulled the short straw on many occasion and got hurt over and over again by people that weren’t as dedicated to a relationship as I was.
I recently met somebody that could potentially turn into a love interest. I didn’t really go looking for it but it happened anyway. It saddens me to say that for once I cannot give a 100% in a relationship in much the same way as all those ‘significant others’ could never give me their all. And it is not that I don’t see a future for us, it’s just me not having the strength to commit to a relationship at the moment.
Perhaps it is more than just the possible relationship. Work is really an unsure minefield at the moment. And since I’m technically looking for other work all those worries about my future employment, CVs and Jobs Interviews, Questions and right or wrong answers, takes a lot out of me.
I have come a long way from where I was 200 days ago. The old me would have jumped at the chance of being in a relationship regardless of where it landed me in a week or two. The new me – well, he is going to make sure he never relives the past few months even if that means passing on love for now!
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
Advertising!
After I did a post this weekend that I was looking for new job, a lot of my blogger friends asked more details thinking that maybe they know of something available in their company. I don’t feel right to shamelessly advertise my CV on the blog, so I’ll just give a short description.
I can do Computer Programming, IT Software Support, IT Technical Support and Software Training. I also have an accounting background and can do debtors, creditors and cashbook upto and including complete financial statements. And of course, not forgetting that on a good day I can actually write aswell.
There you go… a bit of advertising on my side. I’m available on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za should anybody require more info!
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
I guess the best thing about having a blog about your recovery is you can always go back and check how you felt on a specific day or more importantly check how you progressed over time. Today I can proudly say it is Day 200 in My Heroin Recovery!
It is strange reading something I posted a while back. I put a lot of honesty and emotion in some of the posts and I can remember exactly what I felt on the day I wrote it. Guess I hope that is what other people get out of it as well – being able to relate to a topic they might not agree with or understand.
The first 50 days was a real struggle to get through compared to the speed they are flying by these days. Again, proof that I am in a much happier place in my life now. Or at least in other areas than work.
The stress levels at work is at an all time high again. The stress and uncertainty hangs in a thick cloud above us all. Everybody here, including my bosses, knows I’m aggressively looking for other work and it feels asif that complicates things even more. The excitement and eagerness to go to the office disappeared a few weeks back for a lot of people here.
Stress played a big factor in my recurring heroin take in the past. Even the last time I lapsed it was because I felt overwhelmed by the stress of the restructuring at the office and the future of my employment. This time the circumstances seem to be worse and even so I can proudly say that I will not be running towards heroin this time. Funny how much one can grow in 50 days or a 100 days or 200 days! Just imagine where I’ll be in another 200 days!
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
Monday, 11 June 2007
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
I’ve been following the blog of Travis Lane for a while now. I try not to miss an entry and always find it interesting to read. He recently revealed a secret to his new girlfriend and I guess to everybody in blogworld. She was shocked at the news and as far as I know hasn’t spoken to him since.
As I mentioned before my best friend in Pretoria and my ex also in the Pretoria area doesn’t know about my heroin addiction and recovery. It is difficult to reveal something important like this to a valued friend over the phone, so I’m waiting until I see them in August. But I am really nervous about telling them because as Travis also proved on his blog, you don’t always know how things will turn out and how people will react.
On the one hand we’ve been friends for years and we all know each other very well. Something like this should not really come between a friendship like that. On the other hand they mean too much for me to take that chance. The same question arises when I meet new people. At this very moment I have a new friend who doesn’t know about the heroin part of my life yet. I don’t really know when the best time is to reveal something like this.
Let’s face it! My lifestyle is still not that of a free man yet. I have limits, rules and curfews. I am checked up on and have to report back very often. These actions, especially for a 26 year old man, will seem very suspicious to somebody that doesn’t know my story.
I find qualities like communication and honestly very important both in friendships and in relationships. I am not a big fan of starting a friendship on a bunch of lies, deception or complete silence. Still, this is a delicate issue by any person’s assessment. Do, I tell people I meet about this part of my life when I meet them, only when we know each other much better or not at all?
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Sunday, 10 June 2007
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
I woke up Friday morning at 06:30am, which is about an hour later than usual. I could do this because I had the day off. Of course, sleeping late to me means getting out of bed before 07:00am, which is very different from what it meant to me last year!
Sleeping or waking up were two very different things when I was a heroin addict. Even though most heroin addicts have insomnia, I rarely had a problem falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Sleep signaled a time where I wasn’t craving, using or withdrawing from heroin and those nights when I didn’t drink tranquilizer pills to finally get to sleep or didn’t dream of heroin were the most peaceful nights ever.
Waking up, was when the hell started again. From the moment I opened my eyes my whole body ached and I was looking for one thing – of course, heroin. On the days when I knew I was housebound and couldn’t go anywhere I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away in an endless sleep. Some days I only slept with the help of a hand full of medication. No sleeping pills seemed to help. And on the lucky days when I could leave the house it was just a countdown until I pressed the dealer’s speeddial number!
I am back to the sleeping routine I had before heroin which is usually no later than 07:00am. Even when I sleep over at a friend’s house after a late night I still wake up round about then, and sit alone for 2-3 hours before the rest of them wake up.
Quite a different way of living, I think. From wishing I could sleep eternally free from heroin, to waking up as early as possible to embrace the day. That’s what I call recovery!
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Friday, 8 June 2007
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
We’ve all known since January this year that things were going to change at the office. Those that have followed the blog know that the office moved to a new premises, changed owners and that certain staff changes would be imminent. That time is upon us now!
There is ‘too much staff’ at the office at the moment, as indicated by management on a daily basis. Too much staff! For six years I haven’t taken leave because nobody else could do my job or I couldn’t take leave with my mom because nobody else could do hers. Now… we are too much staff!
Somebody at the office will probably have to go. And whether it is me or a family member or a friend – somebody will leave here with nothing! Out of everybody at the office I am the youngest and perhaps more likely to find other work. More likely however doesn’t guarantee that I will find anything.
If I weren’t still paying off a lot of my drug debt I think these events would be less of a problem. I have learned to live on the minimum amount of money since my heroin addiction and must say I surprised myself at how well I’ve been doing that. Still, I need a steady income to keep the ‘credit departments’ away!
My job seeking has now forcibly turned up a notch from casually keeping an ear on the ground for available positions to aggressive searching for new employment. And whether I think I’m clever or cute or a hard worker there are a few things hindering my job seeking.
I might be a fast learner or eager to expand my knowledge but since school drugs seemed to be my homework and I never furthered my qualifications. I was in an accident early on this year and my car was written off, which means I don’t have my own transport. And of course, the ever lingering heroin addiction which is still widely known in certain circles.
Perhaps it is a good idea to hand in my blog with my CV – maybe that will help!
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
One of my friends invited me to go away for the weekend at the end of the month – to
At the moment I still have to ask my parents if I as much as want to go to the shop around the corner, so I figured that going away to Cape Town for a weekend would most certainly warrant some mention and would probably raise concerns. I was really surprised that all my worry about asking them was really needless in the end when they agreed without argument.
The plane tickets have been bought, the car has been rented, so I guess it is really official. There is no turning back now. I can’t wait to see
I want to live a normal life again, perhaps live a normal life for the very first time in my life. I want to be free… free from longing, wanting or taking drugs. And this trip marks a lot of that for me. It is not so much about me actually going – it is about being trusted enough to let me go, to be liked enough for me to be invited and to feel comfortable enough inside to actually do it!
"9 Lives" - Part 1
| 9 Lives - Part 1 | |
| | |
| This post is called ‘9 Lives’ and is a great test in creativity. It is a description of where 9 different people are at 9 different times during the day. Every person has a different life with different problems and different concerns. I first saw the idea on Marc Olmstead’s blog. Since then a mutual friend, Alan has done his own version of ‘9 lives’ with a slight twist. Here is my interpretation…
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Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
The father of one of the people that work with me passed away this morning. His wife (her mother) passed away last year about this time, and since then his health and mind has been slowly fading and fading. He has basically been eating away at the highly regarded image his children and family had of him before all of this started. So, when we got the news this morning some people were thinking perhaps it is better this way.
The subject is debatable and I’m sure anybody can come up with positive or negatives points to support the issue. My focus today is obviously more towards addicts.
Through my time as a heroin addict most hoped I would ‘see the light’ and kick the habit. And even though at times it looked as if it would be my fate forever, most knew deep down inside I would eventually conquer the daemon. But there are a lot of heroin addicts out there of whom we cannot make this positive assessment. Some will try but they will fail continuously until the day heroin finally wins in death. These people will slowly poison themselves and their families destroying the relationship they once had, causing restless nights and unbearable days.
I’d like to think I am a good example that people can change and that heroin doesn’t need to be victorious in ones life. Regrettably, not everybody is that lucky. So, the question is… when is enough, enough? When do you give up hoping? When do you give up caring? When do you reach the point where death is the better option?
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
The subject of addiction came up the office yesterday. I don’t know if I have specifically mentioned this before, but I do not smoke. Even though I have had a cigarette or two, but in my lifetime probably not finished three, this is probably the one thing that I haven’t gotten addicted to.
Almost everything that I have undertaken in my life has led to unhealthy abuse and overdoing. From drinking to gambling to all kinds of drugs. I get offered a cigarette very often, especially by people that know my heroin history and when I turn it down I have to smile at the amazement in their eyes. How can a heroin addict not have been a smoker?
I must honestly say that I am very glad I am and have never been a smoker. Seeing how a lot of people ‘need’ their cigarettes on a daily basis reminds me too much of a life of dependence.
Even coffee came up as a major addiction in the office, especially now in the winter months. I usually need my cup of caffeine, preferably two by the time I’m at the office, before I face the world. It reminds me a lot of my life in 2006. Every morning when I opened my eyes the very first thought that popped in was: I am hurting, I want heroin. Every single second I spent in the house was a count down until I could phone the dealer. And getting my daily fix wasn’t something I needed before I could face the world; it was a necessity to face life.
So, I’ll drink my cup of coffee in the mornings and on a bad morning, maybe six. I’ll know that it is a small addiction and probably a little unhealthy. But I won’t be counting the seconds until I leave the house. I won’t be phoning the dealer as soon as I exit. I won’t be addicted to heroin!
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
Monday, 28 May 2007
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
On Wednesday that passed I was in recovery 6 months. And although it still feels like yesterday that ‘heroin addict’ was an appropriate description for me, it also feels like years have passed since then. I remember sitting at this exact same spot, typing on the same computer and every word that appeared on the screen I wrote with hope that I would beat it, and with every line that I finished the doubt started setting in. To imagine a time back then where I was no longer a heroin addict – seemed nearly impossible.
A lot of things have changed since then, not only in my personal life, but in my work life. Although it is not something I am actively doing at the moment or pursuing viciously I have started to submit my CV to a few places. I love my job very much and for more than 6 years I have been very happy with the company I am at. But in all due respect to my bosses, in the end it is still a dead-end job. I am not earning a lot of money and there is no chance of working myself into a higher position with more pay.
I realize perhaps now, after inspecting the state of my life, more than ever that I need to look after myself. I need to make sure I have a future somewhere. One of the places I have sent my CV is in Johannesburg/Pretoria which raised a whole other series of problems and questions. The most important one really is whether I’d be ready to move away from home and somewhere on my own. And that is a very difficult one to answer!
Six months, although to me a huge achievement, is not very long in recovery. Then again when will be long enough. I don’t know if that longing for heroin inside will ever go away. I have surprised myself and a whole lot of other people with how well I’ve been doing the past few months. I think I’ve shown a lot of strength, even if I say so myself. So, I know one thing for sure. I will not let heroin into my life again without a hell of a fight!
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
Friday, 25 May 2007
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
It has been just over 6 months now since I chased heroin out of my life in the hope to live a normal life again. Half a year spent trying to undo the damage that years has caused in my life.
Things are going great. I am really optimistic about my days and the constant fear of a possible mishap doesn’t hover in my mind like it used to. I can’t ask for anything more.
Changing the blog a few weeks back turned out to be a very good choice. Since then people have urged me to go to schools and talk to kids and stuff. This is something I don’t nearly feel comfortable with yet. In all fairness I am still fighting my own fight – I can hardly fight anybody elses. But I do hope that even though my blogging is not daily anymore that you still read it and find something to learn from it.
My ex and I have been communicating for a few weeks now over the phone (SMS, MMS and MXIt) and on Saturday after the rugby match was the first time we spoke in 2 years. The purpose of the call, of course, was to rubb my nose in the fact that the sharks lost. In those few minutes of long awaited audio I remembered so much of the good times we had together. It is strange that when the good times are so good, you tend to forget about how bad the bad times were.
I spoke to a friend yesterday. He is about the closest thing I’ve got to a best friend. We’ve been friends for ages, since he was at school. He was out of the country for a while and then came back and moved to Pretoria. I realized last night that I haven’t mentioned anything about heroin to him since this started or ended. In fact, thinking about it now, even my ex is oblivious to the topic.
And it is not that I don’t want to tell them. Afterall, it has been an honest subject over the past few months. It’s just, that they mean too much to me for them to hear it over a phone or even read it in a blog.
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
The treatment is quite expensive, but then again, you can’t really put a price on somebody’s life. Somehow, asking for more money from my parents, after all I had already taken from them – seemed inappropriate. But I don’t doubt that they would have helped me. In fact, they offered many times.
My friend, was much worse off than I was. Some days you could see his body was on the verge of just giving up the fight. I spent so many nights worrying about whether or not he was going to make it – and realizing it would also be my fate unless I stopped. He went to the Centre in Kempton Park in the hope that this would be his miracle cure.
From the e-mails I received the treatment was, very appropriately, described as ‘either the WORST or BEST Acid Trip’. Having taken Acid myself on too many occasions to remember I know it can be a delightful experience or a nightmare. To my friend, it was a nightmare, but an e-mail I got described it as ‘FUCKING AMAZING’. I guess it goes to show every person reacts to it differently.
In a nut-shell it is a treatment that leaves you without the withdrawals or cravings that normally go with heroin recovery. And as bad as my friend found the ‘trip’ he did come back with what seemed like a new lust for life. I really believed that heroin would never be part of his life again. But getting off heroin isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3, even with a miracle cure. Regrettably, my friend relapsed within a few weeks. This still happens to a lot of the people, even those coming from the Ibogaine treatment.
Now, I’ve never been there so I can’t really comment from personal experience. All I can say is to me recovery was hell to go through. Most addicts will give up trying before they even get close to ever being ‘normal’ again. And it sounds like Ibogaine is the best fighting tool they have at the moment. It is apparently also effective on coke, ecstasy, cat and even alcohol.
Wonder treatment or not, the fact remains that unless you want to be helped, want to stop, want to live a normal life again – you’ll end back with heroin in your arms every time!
You can check out the SA website on Ibogaine. This might just be the thing that saves your life.
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Since putting my e-mail address on the blog I’ve received a few more e-mails than usual of people telling me their own stories. It is shocking to hear how many in this country and abroad have similar problems themselves or with their loved ones. But there were two stories that really stood out.
What can you really do to help an addict? I asked myself this question for most of last week, trying to solve it for myself and somebody else. I know, better than most will ever understand, the hold that drugs can have on your life. Even those that use drugs but aren’t addicts will not grasp the grip of it on your mind, your body and your life. But whether you are an addict or a casual user, one thing will remain the same – you must want to stop!
So, how do you as a father or a mother, brother, sister or friend help a person that doesn’t want to be helped? And believe me, that happens. I convinced myself for months I wanted to stop, I wanted to get better but I lied to myself and to those around me. Deep down inside I still wanted to take, I still needed it and I still wanted it. No matter what anybody did, where they sent me or for how long – I would still fall back until I really wanted to stop.
I wish there was this miracle cure I could magically reveal. This potent phrase you could say that would make somebody see the light. I wish that I could tell you to follow my every step and that would be the path to get over it… but it isn’t as simple as that! I think to myself, if I had kids (even with the knowledge I have now) and I found out they were using heroin and that they weren’t ready to stop. What could I do? What could I say? And the answer…?
Nothing! Doesn’t that just make you feel so helpless. That must be what my parents felt like all those months – helpless! Going through every single day seeing their child slowly die and having no real action to take against it. Nothing!
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
Monday, 21 May 2007
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
I remember the first time I started withdrawing from heroin, like it was yesterday. It started much the same as all the other times would. The first time I injected heroin was not even 4 days before that day – and I had already spiked more than 5 times.
I took too much the previous night. My body clearly didn’t like what I was pumping through it and I became very sick. I was nauseous the whole night and my face was as white as snow. Everytime I injected heroin I could taste it in my mouth. I could still taste it from the night before, it was all I tasted!
I slept over at a friend’s house, so most of what happened lay oblivious to my parents. Thinking back I wonder if anything would have turned out differently, had they found out that day. I had to go to work and calling in sick had never been in option in my time there. Starting now would never be accepted. I cleaned up as best I could and went to the office. As the day progressed I looked worse and got sicker. They finally sent me home. I imagine that day already raised some warning flags, but my manipulating would start then, only to be perfected over time.
I felt much better the following day. I could keep food down again but I could hardly walk. My whole body had this numbness to it that I had never felt before. I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes and forget! Of course being sick a second day at the office would be a dead give away that something serious was wrong – so my acting performance began. Today I would act like a normal human being, full of energy, full of life – not sick, not withdrawing – no heroin!
My legs started paining, or it was more of an itch back then really. An itch deep down inside in your bones where you could never scratch. No matter how I stood, how I lay, how I sat, how I tried to sleep – it was there, itching, paining. Every day I woke up hoping it would be gone and every day it was still there, reminding me I took heroin. I woke up one morning and that relentless throbbing in my legs had vanished.
That very same night I met up with my friends again. I wish to this day I can remember the thoughts in my head because that day would prove to change my life forever. I remember the night, the venue, the people there with me. But for the life of me I cannot remember why! I took heroin again that night and the day after that and the day after that. It started an endless sequence of events that would continue day after day after day. My itch would eventually grow into a pain and in the end into flesh-tearing agony that would never go away.
Thinking back today I realize I spent most of last year sick or withdrawing. The whole year was one big fight to stay healthy and kick the habit. As the seasons change people around me are getting sick and I can feel my fragile immune system still fighting to stay healthy. And the thing is, how terrible I might feel if I should catch something now, I am eternally grateful it will not be a year of withdrawing again!
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
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Sunday, 20 May 2007
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
Lyrics to a song by Tracy Chapman - "Change"
The following video is of Dominic Monaghan (Charlie) in Lost. The song of Tracy Chapman is playing in the background. Very appropriately, if you follow Lost, Charlie was also a heroin addict, who eventually decided to change his life. Be Warned though - there is part of this clip that might be considered a 'Lost Spoiler'.
Day 174 - "You're on candid camera!"
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Day 174 - "You’re on candid camera!"
I have been staying over at a friend’s house this past week. You all remember that I stayed with ‘ThisIsMe’ a few weeks back while her ‘better other’ was out of town. This week ‘ThisIsMe’ is out of town and her ‘better other’ and I are ‘looking after each other’.
They both stay a few kilometers out of town in a flat on a plot. Their landlord is an old friend of my dad who used to work with him. Last night, their landlord absolutely does the unthinkable…
He phones my dad and tells him, that he has got me, Christiaan, with him at one of the local clubs in Polokwane and I am wasted (like totally drunk of my rocker). My dad, after hearing the news, is apparently furious and ready to come and pick me up and I imagine never letting me see sunlight again. I can only imagine the expression on their faces last night.
Luckily he tells my dad he joked, before my dad storms out of the house. Probably not the best joke to make to the parents of a recovering heroin addict, but in his defense he doesn’t really know the story. The more I think about it, my parents probably skip a beat everytime that phone rings and I am not there. They’ve had their fare share of phone calls (from myself, friends and the police) revealing yet another stupid thing I’ve done. And for somebody to phone and actually make such a joke probably wasn’t something they wanted to hear.
While I normally don’t drink (that much) anymore or spend time (to often) in clubs – I am still very happy that I didn’t do any of that last night. We can all joke about it today, just relieved that is not my life anymore and for once it is not true anymore.
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
My mom and dad started reading my blog this week. Up to now, nobody in the house has read any of the blog entries. And I totally understand why. They don’t need a blog to tell them what they have been living through the past few months. They were there, they saw first hand what I was going through and they themselves experienced what it did to their own lives. No blog… no grouping of carefully picked words can even touch on the pain and despair, hurt and anger that sometimes lay in the house.
I knew that there would come a time where they probably would feel comfortable enough to experience some of it again. I was pleasantly surprised to hear they started reading it and they even suggested my brother start reading it as well. Even though I figured they would eventually be reading it, I think I was pretty honest with my feelings on those days, regardless of how they might be perceived when read in the future.
Most of the people at the office are also now reading the blog. I send the entries to their e-mail a few days after it has been posted. Deciding not to give them the online blog address was a very conscious decision. Since I share my feelings very openly I didn’t want people at the office to know daily exactly how I feel and this while sitting in the same office as me.
The purpose of this blog was always to be shared with anybody and everybody. I have not been proud of some of the things I have done and mentioned here, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I wonder how many people would let their family members or co-workers take a daily peek at their blogs?
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
Thursday, 10 May 2007
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
The following was written by a friend and published in a local newspaper called the “Informant” in Polokwane a few weeks back.
“I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…” The popular lyrics of The Fray’s song “How to save a life” have been high on International music charts since 2006 and as a result been sung by many adolescence all over South Africa. The song was written by Isaac Slade, lead singer of the band The Fray, based on his experience with a young boy during his work as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens. The song suggests how one should approach a drug addict in the aim to save their life and has woken a tragic realization in many young and old South Africans. Drug abuse is a growing problem all over the world, even in our home town of Polokwane.
According to Captain Seabi of the Polokwane Police, the youth are by far the biggest offenders when it comes to drug abuse related arrests. Ndo Mamgala, the spokesperson for education in Polokwane adds that the drug problem is not only found amongst our youth but even extends to some teachers in schools: “There have been incidents where teachers abuse alcohol and remain absent from school for days as a result.” In an event to curb this problem officials then insist these teachers go to rehabilitation centres and if these do not help they have been forced to dismiss them. While some teachers are drug abusers themselves there are many more who make an effort to control and prevent drug abuse in schools.
A well known teacher at Pepps Polokwane has said that “since Pepps is such a small school, teachers are able to keep a close eye on the students and therefore prevent the development of drug abuse by inflicting punishment in its early stages.” As a result, two children were suspended from the school after being caught smoking cigarettes. There are fortunately, many institutions in Polokwane who make an effort to prevent and control drug abuse but not everyone can be helped by their efforts alone. As inhabitants of Polokwane, we all know someone who is abusing drugs whether it be a friend, a friend of a friend or even ourselves. What then can you do to help prevent and stop this epidemic from savagely stealing lives? How can you save a life?
In attempting to answer this question, Mrs Riette van der Linde, the director of the Far North alcohol and drug rehabilitation centre in Polokwane, has described a typical step by step progression in an addicts life based on her experience working with young users: At first the user makes a decision to stop abusing drugs and proceeds to face a very difficult process of withdrawal. What keeps this person from relapsing and proceeding to carry on with their drug abuse is the support and praise from his or her family and friends. After experiencing days of pain and resisting the ever-growing cravings, the addict admirably manages to stay clean and the parents and friends trust they will never return to their old habits. As a result the parents and friends no longer feel the need to praise and support this person as much as they believe that the battle is over, but they are wrong. Steve Hamilton, a recovering drug addict who often gives motivational speeches in local schools wrote the following shocking truth in his book I want my life back: “One thing I remember about addiction is that it’s a progressive disease. It will ravage you physically as well as mentally and it won’t simply stop when you stop drugging…Even if you stop drugging, you still have the disease. You’re still an addict.” With loss of support and praise the addict will then often fall back into his or her old habits which often leads to an inevitable death. What can you do to prevent this? How can you save a life? There is no clear answer to this difficult question but there have been many who have found a way to overcome this battle. One of these people is a local boy who replaced his bad habit with a good one…blogging.
This young man gave us some insight into how he is managing to stay clean of drugs, “This struggle of mine has been going on for the past year. I only recently found these blogs and have found amazing comfort in sharing my thoughts and feelings while I try and recover. The support I have out there, mostly in people I have never met gives me strength to try my best every day. I will always stay an addict, but at least now I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict.” This man has written daily, detailed entries on his site since the 24th of November 2006. He describes the daily battle of withdrawal he goes through, he speaks of shocking drug and dealer experiences and then people comment on his entries and in turn give him the support he needs to recover. He is truly admirable for overcoming all he has thus far and he can serve as an inspiration for all who are facing the same battle, as he says: “I read the comments on my blogs throughout the day and they, more than anything else, give me the strength to continue with my recovery. I have used alcohol, dagga, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, kat, crack, pinks and heroin (take a breath) and only realize now that I am an addict and will never have control over any of it. Although this realization comes presumably a bit late in my life, I believe it is never too late to make the change and stop this cycle!”
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Hey kiddies… its me…
I’ve haven’t blogged in 2 days and it feels like I’ve been gone for 2 weeks. I still wake up in the mornings and it feels like I’m missing something big in my life. My first instinct is to go to the computer and write.
I broke the news on Monday that I would be ‘cooling down’ with the blogging and not blog daily as I have done over the past 5 months. It was much better received than I anticipated and I realized just once again how many ‘friends’ I have here supporting me. You are all great and I thank you for your continued support through this.
As you can see, weeks hasn’t passed since I’ve made another entry, as some of you feared.. I’m still around here reading blogs every day and trying to comment a bit more than I used to.
Our computers are the office have been acting up since yesterday. One after the other, the weird problem after the other pops up. As the resident IT-Guy, on top of my normal office duties, I am kept quite busy trying to get them working again – without BASHING THEM!
The new building we moved into in February gets very cold in the winter. My legs are sore right into the bone from the cold and my feet feels like huge ice blocks. This is still a side affect of my heroin use, but still a huge improvement from the pain earlier on in the year.
And as far as friends or love goes… my ex and I are communicating, trying to get to know each other again after almost 2 years apart. This is a really interesting exercise and I’ll keep you up to date on the progress I make in that department. At the moment it is more of a long-distance-friendship – and I’m approaching it as that to be safe.
That’s my 2 cents for the day. Enjoy the rest of your day and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – or at least take pictures!
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
Monday, 7 May 2007
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
The time has come! After more than a 160 blogging days in My Heroin Recovery, I am finally doing it. I am sort-of saying Good-Bye to daily blogging!
I have since starting this blog, blogged almost everyday to give you an account of my emotions and feelings on a daily basis. And this was one of my most helpful fighting tools in getting my life back. I am saying Good-bye, but not to blogging entirely!
After much consideration this weekend I have decided that daily blogging isn’t the right thing to do anymore. Instead of writing when I have something to say or when something happens in my life, I have almost forced myself to feel or to relive moments in the past I probably wasn’t ready to share yet – all so that I could write something everyday. Does that make sense to you at all?
Blogging has become part of my daily routine just as waking up or brushing my teeth is and I will miss that part. This doesn’t mean that I’ll disappear for weeks and weeks without updating you – just a chance really to blog whenever I want to or not when I don’t want to.
Even so, I wouldn’t have done it any differently up to now and I would recommend it to anybody. It has been one of the major reasons I have handled this recovery so well. Thank you to the people reading, learning and giving advise. To the people urging me on, helping me through the bad days and sharing my happiness on the good ones. I am very confident that this move will help me even more!
Day 161 - "Week in Review 0405"
Friday, 4 May 2007
Day 161 / 85 – "Week in Review 0405"
Well, good mood or bad mood – all is still going well. My ‘vacation day’ I was supposed to take last week didn’t happen because we were too busy at the office. It really came as no surprise, it always seems to happen. I don’t take the day and it keeps getting postponed until I eventually cancel it. We’ll try again next week!
My dad is in Zimbabwe this week, which leaved us with one less car than usual. So, making any plans that involves me going out must be carefully planned. He is coming back in a day or two, then hopefully things will return to normal.
Our office got ‘Office Busted’ by Jacaranda FM in Limpopo this week. It was a real surprise. Some of the ladies at the office entered my mom, who didn’t know a thing. Infact, she is so busy she rarely gets time to listen to the radio – and hardly knew what an ‘Office Bust’ was. She was totally caught off guard and was less than pleased that I didn’t at least warn her. Still an experience to tell… uhm… the grandkids one day!
I really had a lot of fun with my friends on Monday and Tuesday and even met a few new people. We had one hilarious breakfast on Tuesday morning. I was just glad to be out of the house. This weekend is either going to be dead quiet or totally hectic – we’ll have to see – but I promise to share the juicy details next week.
Enjoy the weekend and don’t do anything I’m not already recovering from!
Day 160 - "Explaining my contemplation"
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Day 160 / 84 – "Explaining my contemplation"
I have never been a suicidal person. Depressed? Yes! But I only have myself and ecstasy to blame for that. In my life I have thought about suicide a lot. Ironically, most of those times were after I stopped taking heroin.
Heroin suppresses your nervous system, so you don’t give a damn. Your emotions, feelings, mind – nothing is what they should be. So, it’s a vicious circle really of wanting more and more. You don’t really care who you hurt or steal from – all you know is, you want more. You start not caring and soon you are hooked in a cycle with little conscious conscience to stop you from doing it.
In much the same way you don’t care what it is has done to your life, to your family, to your friends and to your body. When you stop taking heroin your mind clears up and the reality of things hits you. The emotions you were supposed to feel when your friend died. Those regrets you were supposed to feel when you stole. The shame you were supposed to feel over what you did with your life, to your parent’s life, to your brother’s life… it all comes crashing down on you at one time.
And, naturally in that time addicts return to heroin to avoid the mountain of guilt and regret coming towards them like a Formula One Car. After I stopped taking heroin, I got good days and bad ones. Strangely enough the bad ones are the safe ones. There is a certain fighting instinct that kicks in, that tells you, that you can do it. You have to do it and tomorrow everything will be better again. And you believe it.
But it is the good days and the better days that frighten me the most. It is in that time that your mind doesn’t react on instinct anymore. It reacts on fear, on desperation, on loss of hope. It sees the bad days you’ve had and it knows you’ll have them again. The vicious circle will rollercoaster you up and down on a route you’ll know by heart. Now, I’m not planning suicide. I’m just saying if it should ever happen to me, it probably won’t happen BECAUSE I did something stupid. It will happen BEFORE I do it AGAIN!
Day 159 - "Swallowing my contemplation"
Wednesday, 2 May 2007
Day 159 / 83 – "Swallowing my contemplation"
This was written a while back and not necessarily an indication of my mood today. More on this to follow tomorrow!
Today is the day! Countless nights I have found myself in this exact position. This pen, this paper, this table are all my companions when I am bored again with this life. They are the witnesses to these thoughts and actions that are only held back my misguided dream of a brighter tomorrow: A future that holds something better.
I am tired of these ideas of reality, popularity, normalness that seems to be so acceptable. Somehow I never seem to fall in any of them. I am a social outcast or perhaps not even that at all. Perhaps only trapped by my social acquaintances or my lack thereof. My life, my health, my paranoia, depression, sexuality and you ask a reason? In the end, really, it’s all a draw to what it could be.
Tonight is the night! The night I face the daemons that have been growing inside of me. I try to fight them but they smell my fear. They saw the end was coming and they are racing to welcome it. They are the ones sitting at the table playing chess with the Reaper. I fight them with the only weapon I have. I kill them the only method I know how – I kill me.
I grab these pills, these deadly pills, these… blurry pills which just a short while ago was so clear to me. As clear as my mission, my future, my destiny that now lies swallowed, blurred. I grab some more. They are all part of the mission now. They lost their individuality when I swallowed them, their friends, their mates, the ones that are just like them - all of them lost. I swallowed them and for this brief moment while they are crawling down my throat they are who I am, they are where I am. I win this battle because they are here, I swallowed them.
Don’t worry I won’t be around to bother you much longer. You won’t have to hate me, dislike me or just accept me. This star acting role to spare my feelings has reached its final scene. The credits are rolling, awards being lined up, the music ending, fat lady singing. No, she screams. She walks out of the movie and in a few minutes she won’t care to remember a thing.
Today is the day! Today is the day I look in the mirror and I see the person I was meant to be. I hold my head high and smile because I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. Today I don’t care about these petty problems, this social exile, and this sole less existence. I am unique. I am me. Today I can face these problems because today they are gone.
Ironically it is today that I realize what no today could ever resolve – tomorrow my problems will all be back again.
Day 157 - "A change is as good."
Monday, 30 April 2007
Day 157 / 81 – "A change is as good…"
Last week saw a change in the blog again. There have been changes every 50 days or so to the blog and this time I’ve gone big (I think). I hope you like it because it’s really growing on me. Hopefully the blog editors will have added widgets or personalized templates before the next 50 days has passed and we can all be more creative.
The theme and look of the blog is not all I’m hoping to change. Some of you, including me, still find the blog a bit too serious, depressing and heroin-based at times. I remind you that this is a blog about ‘My Heroin Recovery’ and those items are ‘part of the package’. Even so, I will be trying to lighten the mood a bit in the hope to also keep a positive attitude in my life.
Last week was a quiet week of blogging for me. As you know, I spend the week with ‘ThisIsMe’, while her ‘better other’ was out of town. As you might have read on her blog – they forgot to pay the internet – so nobody could really blog. That reminds me, I have to pay my internet account today!
Staying with ‘ThisIsMe’ was actually really fun. Besides roosters waking me in the wee hours of the morning, I really enjoyed the experience of sort of being on my own again. I felt like a grown-up again and not like a little baby who had to be watched and whose every move was questioned.
I also hope that the few days showed my parents that I am responsible and trustworthy again. If I wanted to, I could have gone bonkers over the few days I was gone and they wouldn’t have known a thing. Hopefully that will still count for something in the future.
Had work not taken the route it had on Tuesday, I think the week would have been superb. As you know I described Tuesday last week as ‘a disaster’, which was really putting it lightly. I’m left with more stress and complications than I would have liked at this time. The important thing is - I didn’t take heroin. With all the changes in my life – at least that is still saying the same!
Day 153 - Day 156
Thursday, 26 April 2007 - Day 153/77
Friday, 27 April 2007 - Day 154/78
Saturday, 28 April 2007 - Day 155/79
Sunday, 29 April 2007 - Day 156/80
Day 152 - "Changing Faces"
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Day 152 / 76 - "Changing Faces"
In what has become almost tradition every 50 days, the blog has undergone a facelift/change. Hope you like it.
‘My Heroin Recovery’ will return on Monday, 30 April 2007
Day 151 - "No Subject"
Tuesday, 24 April 2007
Day 151 / 75 - "No Subject"
My good mood was unfortunately not in sight today. The day at the office can only be described as a ‘disaster’ with lots of meetings and unpleasant news. My mind feels like a big balloon full of nothing. Because of this, I am not making a blog entry today or tomorrow… I’ll be back on Monday morning!
Day 150 - "5 months"
Monday, 23 April 2007
Day 150 / 74 - "5 months"
Today is Day 150 in My Heroin Recovery. It was 5 months ago I started this blog and this road to recovery and I have never looked back. I wish that every human being caught in the clutches of heroin can have the strength to overcome this – sooner than later!
I told you before one of my friends passed away from heroin. Last week, it was 7 months ago that he passed away. My 5 months in recovery feels like ages. Like I’ve been living 5 years in this time trying to fix everything and slowly get my life back. Contrasting to me, his parents see their 7 months as ‘just the other day their son passed away’.
I wish that his death would have meant more to me at the time it happened. It could have saved me two months and thousands of rands in drug money. But I think that in the end his death did have a role in my heroin recovery – even if it was a bit late!
There are a lot of reasons why I’m still continuing this road. I do it for myself. Personally, I don’t think I can live that life again. Looking back on those days I realize just how meaningless my life was. How every minute of every day was there only so that I could score again. Work became a means to make money to buy heroin. Life became minutes and hours counting down to my next hit of heroin.
I do it for my parents. If I were given another 2 lifetimes I would not be able to repay them for everything they have done for me. I put them through hell at times when I was too high to care what was going on around me. For them, I’ll do it any day.
And to people like my friend that passed away and to his parents. Their son didn’t have a second chance like I did. I got a chance to do it for everybody out there that never made it that far. The least I can do with my chance is use it!
Thank you all for listening to my story. For the support you’ve all given me. To the comments you give me when I need to hear I’ll make it and that things will be okay again. I do this for you, for those of you that read today perhaps with a better understanding towards addiction, for my friends, for my family, for my parents and still above all – I do this for myself!
