Monday, 16 July 2007
Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”
I remember thinking to myself how it couldn’t be that bad! It is funny really, when I think about it now: For some reason I thought millions of heroin addicts around the world were just not trying hard enough! A lot of things made me take that first day and for the life of me I cannot remember most of them – but I do know I wasn’t scared of it. I really believed heroin would never get control over me.
I think it is probably the easiest the first time you try to quit because you mistakenly believe that in a few hours it will all be over and that you’ll go on with your life as if nothing happened. You go through the first few hours of pain hoping it will all be over soon, but it only gets worse and worse as the days progress.
When I finally passed a few days of not taking heroin I realized that the fight was only starting. The physical pain, although still there, was much better. The other withdrawal symptoms however were only starting. The rebuilding of a life and relationships, which took no time to destroy, was only now about to start.
Some say I had the strength and the determination to get through those days and months leading up to today. Some say it is because I made the choices that others still need to make. Generally most believe I wouldn’t have done it without my family and friends supporting me. Maybe they are all right; maybe I was just a lucky one.
There are a people that weren’t as lucky. I have known a few heroin addicts over the time I took heroin. Some I have lost contact with completely and I don’t know if they made it or not. Some have lost their lives much too early. Others are literally on borrowed time and still they can’t seem to stop. I’ve heard rumors from more than one person over the past few days that one of these people, who I believe is still taking heroin, is not doing very well. In fact, according to the rumors not good at all.
We were good friends at a stage, but heroin did, as it does with everything else in one’s life, destroy that friendship. We can never be friends again, not while he uses and regrettably not even if he stops. I just wish today that he would stop, and if he has stopped that he will continue to stay clean – before his time runs out and he becomes a statistic.
Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”
Day 230 – “Facebook”
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Day 230 – “Facebook”
I created a facebook profile a while back but only recently started searching for friends. I was contacted by a high school friend in connection with our 10 year reunion next year and I decided to look up some of my high school friends and people I met since then. I was totally amazed at how many I was able to find and since then have started up long lost friendships.
I think it is one of the coolest sites around these days. Not only does it allow you to look up old friends and acquaintances but has all kinds of extra applications you can run to enhance your profile. It even combines facebook with flixster, also one of my favourite sites.
We started a ’24.com blogging group’ on Facebook for those of you that already have profiles there and would like to join. Of course, you lose your anonymity should you wish to join because your identity will be known. It is an open group so anybody is welcome. And if you don’t have a profile yet, I suggest you try it out. You are definitely missing out on something great!
Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”
My favorite part about coming home to Polokwane at night is the lights. It is a sea of lights in the distance that makes you realize just how big this little struggling city is. You might even forget all its short comings for a brief moment. It still has a long way to go before we’ll compare it to Midrand’s flashy lights, but definitely progressing in the direction. You might ask yourself why I’m talking about Polokwane’s lights if I’m in Pretoria. That is the question indeed!
I went to Pretoria on Monday for two weeks of training. Monday alone I did things I’ve never done before and I realize again just how different this job is from what I’m used to. In my two days in Pretoria I met 4 people from Polokwane, 3 of whom where there on training at other companies – small world hey. I got stuck in a mother of a traffic jam on the R21 on Monday afternoon and I got lost somewhere in the Krugersdorp direction on Tuesday. You just have to love Gauteng!
Half way through Monday the Directors inform me that I have to go back to Polokwane because there is too much work to be completed and I need to help. So, my training was postponed until later this month.
Of course during this week the people close to me have been a bit worried because I look so exhausted. My job is a lot more demanding physically and has a lot more driving – and I’m just not used to it all yet. I understand their concern, though. All these changes could prove too much for me and I could resort back to heroin to break away from it all. I’m aware of the danger but have to admit the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. In fact, I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d ever take again!
Day 226 – “Back soon”
Sunday, 8 July 2007
Day 226 – “Back soon”
It would be a bit difficult to tell you exactly in which mood I find myself on this Sunday afternoon. Even though I feel nervous and stressed, when it gets down to it, everything happening in my life at the moment is so nothing but good and optimistic.
My ‘Significant Other’ just left after we got to spend the weekend together. Weekends are about all we have at the moment, but I treasure the time we do get together. My new job threw my normal routine upside down this past week – so even the usual telephone communication were cut to a minimum.
I guess I’m in love. I can’t remember when last I felt this way about anybody and then to have those feelings returned is spectacular. It is still a trial thing at the moment, you know, seeing whether a relationship will be safe and a long distance relationship at that. I don’t feel I can totally put my heart into this yet and run the risk of crushing down to earth and turning to heroin to cope.
My parents have been ultra cool about everything. At times so much that I have to wonder who they are and what they did to my real parents. With work and money and even my newly found love – they seem to be so supportive and trusting towards me. All the more reason not to let them down.
I’ll be going to Pretoria tomorrow morning early for training at my new job. I’ll be gone for two weeks and that means that blogging might not occur during this time. I’m really nervous and stressed about what lies ahead for me. I had a small taste of what my working life will be like in the future and I really believe I made the right choice taking this job.
I’ll be back soon and hope to bring even more good news with the next blog.
Day 222 – “Proud”
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Day 222 – “Proud”
My parents were supposed to take leave for three weeks. Due to the strikes in the country (affecting my dad’s leave) and me finding another job (affecting my mom’s leave) the plans haven’t exactly worked out. The situation at my mom’s job also doesn’t make a person feel comfortable leaving for 3 weeks on leave – you might come back and find you haven’t got a job anymore.
So, they cancelled the leave and won’t be going away. I really wanted them to go because I felt that they needed some time away after everything that happened with my addiction last year and now work this year. Perhaps it is a blessing in the end because now I’ll be gone for two weeks when I was supposed to watch the house.
My mom and dad are also celebrating their 28th Wedding Anniversary on Saturday and most couples on this earth would probably give anything to be as happy as they are. They’ve definitely shown me what a relationship should ideally be like and I’m proud to call them my parents.
I know I haven’t exactly been the model son and I have a lot of hurt that I still have to mend. They’ve given me so much, supported me through my addiction and helped me get back on my feet. My biggest achievement in this life will be when I make them proud again to call me their son!
Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”
Monday, 2 July 2007
Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”
It’s dark outside, darker than I’ve seen Polokwane in a while, then again… it is 3 o’clock in the morning. The weather says 5 degrees and even though I haven’t been outside yet I must say it feels a little warmer. I just woke up. It’s my first day at my new job!
We had a monthly meeting in Pretoria and had to leave early to be there in time. I saw HQ for the first time and was really impressed with the building, the offices and the staff. Definitely very professional and I felt a bit bewildered by the forms and questions and fitting and meetings that went on the whole morning.
I’m a bit scared at what lies ahead for me. The job is not something I am completely used to. In fact, besides a few basic things I know in the field I’m pretty much clueless. So from Monday I’ll be in Pretoria for two weeks while I learn more about my job and field.
This weekend I was allowed out of town completely alone while I visited my newly found ‘significant other’. Next week I’ll be in Pretoria for my new job completely alone again. From baby steps to big leaps and still keeping strong. I don’t think I could ever have imagined it going this good 200 days ago!
Day 217 – “To new beginnings”
Friday, 29 June 2007
Day 217 – “To new beginnings”
It was exactly a week ago that I was counting down the hours to a weekend in Cape Town and to my first plane flight. Today I am counting down the hours until I say goodbye to a 7 year part of my life. In a few hours I will say farewell to a life and a routine I knew very well and starting a completely new chapter.
I have a mixture of feelings running through my mind today. That of sadness, excitement, nervous anticipation. Most of it only hit me yesterday – I was saying goodbye! So many people around me at the office knew about my addiction and stood by me and my family through this time. I have no doubt that at times some probably thought it would never change. They are as much part of this recovery as I am!
I will be waking up almost 4 hours earlier on Monday to go to my new Head-Office in Pretoria. What lies ahead for me is mostly a mystery and I can only hope to be as happy as I was at my present company. But I find strength in the knowledge that I have overcome gigantic obstacles in my life and will make a success of this aswell.
As an added bonus I’ll be seeing ‘my significant other’ the weekend again after 2 weeks apart. We’ve both been counting down the days and by now the hours until we’ll see each other again. As torturing as it can be to be apart for so long, I still feel that this ‘long distance relationship’ is the safest option for us for now.
The changing of jobs is the start of many changes to follow in the future and hopefully I will look back on these moments after a few months and ask myself why I didn’t do it sooner!
Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”
Thursday, 28 June 2007
Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”
Most of my cousins I haven’t seen in years. I was quickly reminded that one of them of used to change my nappies. Of course, I was a baby at the time – and again felt a bit exposed by this information sharing.
I must honestly say that I haven’t had so much fun in years. Most of them follow the blog so they knew me much better than you would know your estranged cousin living almost 2000kms away. It was asif I stayed around the street. I just wanted to talk and talk all night catching up on what the rest of the family were doing.
My cousins have all made good lives for themselves, starting families, most of them with a loved one to keep them warm at night. My past few years were spent in a state of suspension in a way not really realizing how much everything around you changes. And seeing them noticeably more mature and happy than they were back then – is a great reminder of what I still have to catch up on.
Between the Diemersfontein Chocolate Pinotage (which is by the way one of the best red wines you’ll ever taste) we drank Van Luveren’s Four Cousins. Since we were indeed four cousins there – it was a very appropriate choice. And I got a quick food lesson as a bonus from somebody I now regard as an expert on the subject.
After we consumed way too much food the day and an excessive amount of alcohol during the night we called it a night. It was off to bed again for an early start.
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
“The Birthday Boy” and I wanted to check out one of the clubs, have a drink and maybe have a quick dance. Since I’ve never done the party thing in Cape Town and he has only been there a month we didn’t really know where to go. We went looking for a club somewhere but our plans were quickly stopped by the reluctance of my friend.
Clubbing was apparently not his scene and he was unwilling to compromise even though he was the only one that didn’t want to go. In fact he was so adamant on it, that the night ended in deafening uncomfortable silence as we all went to bed. I lay my head down and within seconds I was fast asleep.
For weeks reports were that Cape Town was cloudy, rainy and cold. And even though a slight breeze was blowing the next morning, the sun was shining and Table Mountain was clearly visible. It was weather any tourist or any Capetonian, for that matter – could really appreciate.
We went to Canal Walk and walked around browsing through the various shops. I expected more people to be there but there was no shortage in ‘eye candy’ spread through the corridors. One thing that was refreshing was how clean everything was and how friendly the people were there. Not just Canal Walk but the whole of Cape Town. Even the road signs, street names and number plates seemed unaffected by the constant name changes the government forced on the rest of the country.
It was only when we excited Canal Walk that we found another world outside – clouded, windy and rainy – totally different from what it was just a few short hours ago. The cold wind was blowing everywhere and that combined with the walk through the mall shot pains through my whole body. I was glad to just sit in the car for a while and that is exactly what we did.
My newly found friends knew much more about wine than I can ever hope to know. I felt like a real amateur in their superb pallet presence. We drove over 50kms to Diemersfontein just past Paarl for wine tasting. The young lady helping us obviously knew her wine. She was refreshingly different from the girls back in Polokwane. I could see “The Birthday Boy” liked her and I thought to myself how good they’d actually looked together – beautiful people seem to always find each other.
The ‘tasting lady’ mentioned a play that I definitely have to go and see. ‘Hair’ is currently playing at ‘Theatre on the Bay’ and she caught me a bit of guard comparing me to one of the actors. Apparently it contains a nude scene aswell, which caused it’s banning in the country for a while. I suddenly felt a bit exposed.
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Cape Town is a bit windy but not at all as I expected it to be. Even Cape Town International Airport surprises me with its obvious inferiority to its Johannesburg counterpart. But since most of it is also still under construction I thought I’d give it the benefit of the doubt for now. We exit the building after getting our luggage and I walk into the Cape Air. It is familiar to me even though I haven’t been here in ages. I wasn’t born in Cape Town self but the Province is home to me and brings back a lot of memories.
I phone my cousin to get directions to my aunt’s house. After a few rights and lefts and rights again we end up at the house. My aunt has moved twice since I last saw her so it is all new to me and I ring the bell in the hope to see a friendly face. A Portuguese woman opens the door with exactly the opposite face gawking at us, demanding to know what we are doing there and who we are looking for. I distinctly remember my aunt not to be a Portuguese woman – so figured we are at the wrong house. It turns out my cousin had the wrong house number and soon pointed us to the house next to the “friendly” Portuguese woman.
I met a very interesting guy this weekend. He is the friend of the friend I went to Cape Town with. They seem to be the most unlikely of friends but on close inspection I find some similarities between them that no doubted made them friends. It was his birthday on Monday so we celebrated it by going to ‘Belthazar’ a restaurant located at the Victoria Waterfront. It was voted ‘Best Steak House in South Africa 2005’ and most definitely lives up to that title. The restaurant oozed with classiness and I hung on every word that came from out waiter’s mouth.
Belthazar is famous for their wine collection and boasts with the largest wine-by-the-glass bar in the world. Their menus remind me of road maps and they confused my indecisive mind even more with a wide variety. I ordered a steak that was perfectly prepared with their pepper crust house basting and served with rice. Apparently their chocolate chili sauce is also something to try out.
We left Belthazar after dinner and even though we clearly had just eaten a big meal, “Birthday Boy” and I were in a real party mood…
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
It is funny how fast a person’s life can change. In a few minutes all that you know as normal or routine can be thrown upside down and what lies ahead is a mystery. I’m filled with excitement and eagerness to tackle the next few days and find myself overlay nervous and stressed in uncertainty. We all knew it was coming and without proper time to even react to the news it changed all of our lives. I got a new job!
I went for an interview on Monday afternoon and this time I was slightly more prepared than the previous one. I left the interview with confidence that I at least didn’t make a fool out of myself and at gave it my best shot. Before the hour passed I received a call to say I was the best candidate for the job. My facial expression was difficult to pinpoint at that moment. Out of all the emotions I could feel the realization suddenly hit me – I had 4 days to complete everything at my current job.
This change in my life is much more important that most can even imagine. Changing jobs mean I won’t be under the constant eye of my parents any more. I’ll be traveling around much more with only myself as any kind of supervision. I’ll be taking control of my finances again, salary, accounts and payments. It is the ultimate test of responsibility starting from the 1st of July and a huge sign that I am starting to take my life back.
I will continue the Cape Town story tomorrow but just had to share this exciting news with you. I am incredibly sad to leave my job of almost 7 years and to say goodbye to the people I dealt with everyday. I have no doubt that in the end this move is to my greatest benefit and a very important factor in starting my new life.
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
Monday, 25 June 2007
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
The plane makes a slight turn and I look through the window at the scene outside. It is beautiful; I haven’t seen the sea in 7 years and now it is lying beneath me with the moon’s reflection on its surface. There are millions of city lights covering the dark earth and for the first time I see how big and beautiful it really is here. It is Friday and I am about to end my first plane flight ever and land in Cape Town International Airport.
It was roughly 7 hours prior to this landing that we started the trip from Polokwane to Johannesburg. After a 3 hour car ride (which was funnily enough longer than the plane flight to Cape Town would take), a speeding ticket and a pileup on the R21 we finally reached the airport. I’ve only been there 4 times either to see someone off or to fetch them there and every single time the airport was under construction. I guess an airport will just be something that always has construction somewhere.
It is my first plane flight so everything around is me is new and strange. The airport is busy and covered with people arriving from all kinds of different places. A model agency looking for a new sexy face would have had a field day there on Friday.
After finding parking, baggage check in and security we waited in the departure lounge for our flight to board. The departure lounge is full of green and gold jackets of obvious Springbok supporters on their way to Durban and by the excitement between them I almost thought the game was on Friday night.
We board the plane and I am visibly more tense when the plane starts moving and shoots up into the air. We are moving above Gauteng at over 900kms/h and the buildings become smaller and smaller until it eventually disappears and the only visible sign of this huge city are faint lights in the distance…
More on Tuesday: “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
It is a few minutes before 7 on Sunday night and we just got back from a magnificent weekend in Cape Town. The whole weekend was filled with a lot of firsts for me and I was reminded once again of how much I have missed out on over these drugging years.
To do the weekend justice I will tell it over a few days starting tomorrow (Monday). I’ll try to remember everything that happened but Cape Town being famous for its wine didn’t help much with my memory.
The blogs came up on several occasions over the weekend. The people I spend most of the time with didn’t know about my heroin history. And once again I was faced with the dilemma of telling them about it immediately or only talking about it another time. It is obviously not a big secret and I always try and be honest about who I am and they were so wonderful that I doubt they would have judged me on it for a minute.
Still I don’t think I should start every conversation with “Hi, I’m Christiaan and I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict!” Too much of my life reminds me of that part of my life already.
To my friends and family that were involved and even the new people I met this weekend who made it spectacular – a big Thank You! I can only hope I’ll meet up with you all again!
On Monday: “Cape Town: Departure”
Day 210 – “7 months”
Friday, 22 June 2007
Day 210 – “7 months”
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go… the count down has begun. In a few hours I will be on my way to ‘Jan Smuts’, oh sorry, ‘Jo-burg International’, oh sorry, ‘O.R Tambo’… hell, I’d better get there soon before they change the name again!
I will be flying on a plane for the very first time in my life. I’ve been flying high on drugs all my life and even flew on a helicopter once, but never in a plane before. Another first for me! Wonder what will happen if I shout ‘bomb’ on the plane?
My newly found ‘significant other’ and I only get to see each other weekends and since I’m away in Cape Town this weekend we will only get to see each other next weekend again – ah, the agony! Of course, being apart for so long makes the meeting up so much more ‘explosive’.
I will definitely be going to Century City on Saturday and doing one of my favourite things - walking in shopping malls and checking all the funky people. Maybe I’ll still catch some of you there. In between that and the family responsibilities we’ve got a hectic day planned.
To my friends out there, I’ll be on MSN the weekend and I’ll be back on Sunday night will loads to tell. So, watch out for a full blogging week with juicy details. Oh and I just heard I have another interview on Monday again, and another one later on in the week. What a great way to start the weekend!
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
I woke up on Wednesday morning and there was something else in my life that wasn’t there the day before. I took a few minutes for me to place these new emotions in a category I could recognize. Perhaps it is because I haven’t felt them in a very long time. Yes, I woke up on Wednesday morning and for the first time in more than 2 years – I was no longer single!
If you’ve been following this and my Afrikaans blog you know that I have been working on a possible relationship. Even though this person does not stay in the same town as I do, we decided on Tuesday that we’ll officially update the relationship status to ‘involved’.
We’ve known each other now for almost 2 months but I can count the time we’ve spent together on one hand. Due to the distance between us we’ve relied mostly on phone communication. Luckily we’ve got plans together for the next few weeks.
I’ve been thinking a lot whether I should be in a relationship this early in recovery. I am very cautious of getting romantically involved or possibly getting hurt and undoing seven months of progress. I’ve been open about my heroin past since we met and must say that I have not received anything else but total support and understanding during the time. That just makes the love between us even stronger!
Day 208 – “New Obstacles”
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Day 208 – “New Obstacles”
It has been a while since I’ve sat down and told you how it is going. Hopefully by my previous postings you could see that I have made a huge improvement up to date. My life is slowly showing signs of returning to a state of normal it hasn’t seen in a very long time. Of course, each day brings new obstacles…
I went for an interview on Monday. It came a bit unexpected which left me a bit unprepared. It has been over 7 years since I last sat down for an interview and I was a bundle of nerves to put it lightly. Still, it appears it didn’t go too badly and they’ll let me know if I make the short list.
All of us at the office realize that I can leave at any moment. So, my work needs to be divided between other people who need to be taught. Between sending out my CV, going for interviews, completing my work and teaching others my job – I have been swamped and stressed much more than usual.
And even though I don’t always consciously notice it, these little things mull in the back of my mind making me even more stressed. On a very bad day I do still find it difficult to cope because my body and mind wants that total silence it got from heroin. You’ll remember I stated it as a major reason why I relapsed last time. I just wanted to get rid of the noise in my head, my heart and my body!
A lot can be said for time. Time heals a lot of problems. If I had the same week a few months ago I would have been running towards heroin. I feel empowered in a sense by conquering these bad times and not just giving up like I would have done originally. So, I guess even though I am facing new obstacles in my life these days I am definitely handling them better!
Day 206 – “Jogging to the Dealer”
Monday, 18 June 2007
Day 206 – “Jogging to the Dealer”
“What’s wrong with these stupid people? They have so much energy they make me sick!” We just moan as we pass them on the way to the dealer. It’s a Saturday morning. Most people are out doing shopping, jogging, and working in the garden. We barely managed to get ourselves up from where we were lying. Every single action, every single joint movement we have to make until the heroin flows through our veins is a lifetime of agony that seems to never end.
The dealer is late. I have learned by now that the Time Zone in Nigeria must be non existent because these Nigerians don’t know the meaning of it. 5 minutes was a term they used very often and every single time it meant something else. I wanted to start crying. I prayed for strength to last the 5 minutes it was already going to take and now I had to wait another.
Sometimes it was still early. We’d call them at the weirdest hours of the morning when the craving spoke and we’d organize. Other times they refused to help us until it was light. But it was almost guaranteed that by midday we would be back at the house and most definitely high. Time flew by after that. Everything just flew by after that. We’d rent DVDs or watch SABC or we’d just lie on the couches in the living room and hours would pass.
I watched some of the Comrades Marathon yesterday and I remember last year how we laughed at all these people jogging the whole day. Of course, we were most probably past out for most of it. This year, I’m in a very different place. And watching them jogging I’d actually like to try it one day.
Hell, after what I did this past year I think I’ll take on any task and at least give a good effort. Then I’ll watch the druggies go by on their way to the dealer, tuning me: “What’s wrong with this stupid guy? Is he on something, jogging this time of morning?” And then maybe I’ll reply: “For once I am high on life. You should try it!”
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
Friday, 15 June 2007
Day 203 - "Ninety-nine percent"
I’ve got the earphones on my head and a piano solo from Titanic is booming in my ears. For this moment there is nothing else in my head. It’s just me and soothing, relaxing music slowly pushing me into a very nostalgic longing for somebody I’ve probably never met before.
I’ve always been ready to find love. I always knew that if it had to rest its feet on my porch I would welcome it with open arms because without a doubt I would be ready for it. Of course, gullible old me, pulled the short straw on many occasion and got hurt over and over again by people that weren’t as dedicated to a relationship as I was.
I recently met somebody that could potentially turn into a love interest. I didn’t really go looking for it but it happened anyway. It saddens me to say that for once I cannot give a 100% in a relationship in much the same way as all those ‘significant others’ could never give me their all. And it is not that I don’t see a future for us, it’s just me not having the strength to commit to a relationship at the moment.
Perhaps it is more than just the possible relationship. Work is really an unsure minefield at the moment. And since I’m technically looking for other work all those worries about my future employment, CVs and Jobs Interviews, Questions and right or wrong answers, takes a lot out of me.
I have come a long way from where I was 200 days ago. The old me would have jumped at the chance of being in a relationship regardless of where it landed me in a week or two. The new me – well, he is going to make sure he never relives the past few months even if that means passing on love for now!
Advertising!
After I did a post this weekend that I was looking for new job, a lot of my blogger friends asked more details thinking that maybe they know of something available in their company. I don’t feel right to shamelessly advertise my CV on the blog, so I’ll just give a short description.
I can do Computer Programming, IT Software Support, IT Technical Support and Software Training. I also have an accounting background and can do debtors, creditors and cashbook upto and including complete financial statements. And of course, not forgetting that on a good day I can actually write aswell.
There you go… a bit of advertising on my side. I’m available on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za should anybody require more info!
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Day 200 - "Two hundred!"
I guess the best thing about having a blog about your recovery is you can always go back and check how you felt on a specific day or more importantly check how you progressed over time. Today I can proudly say it is Day 200 in My Heroin Recovery!
It is strange reading something I posted a while back. I put a lot of honesty and emotion in some of the posts and I can remember exactly what I felt on the day I wrote it. Guess I hope that is what other people get out of it as well – being able to relate to a topic they might not agree with or understand.
The first 50 days was a real struggle to get through compared to the speed they are flying by these days. Again, proof that I am in a much happier place in my life now. Or at least in other areas than work.
The stress levels at work is at an all time high again. The stress and uncertainty hangs in a thick cloud above us all. Everybody here, including my bosses, knows I’m aggressively looking for other work and it feels asif that complicates things even more. The excitement and eagerness to go to the office disappeared a few weeks back for a lot of people here.
Stress played a big factor in my recurring heroin take in the past. Even the last time I lapsed it was because I felt overwhelmed by the stress of the restructuring at the office and the future of my employment. This time the circumstances seem to be worse and even so I can proudly say that I will not be running towards heroin this time. Funny how much one can grow in 50 days or a 100 days or 200 days! Just imagine where I’ll be in another 200 days!
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
Monday, 11 June 2007
Day 199 - "To tell or not to tell!"
I’ve been following the blog of Travis Lane for a while now. I try not to miss an entry and always find it interesting to read. He recently revealed a secret to his new girlfriend and I guess to everybody in blogworld. She was shocked at the news and as far as I know hasn’t spoken to him since.
As I mentioned before my best friend in Pretoria and my ex also in the Pretoria area doesn’t know about my heroin addiction and recovery. It is difficult to reveal something important like this to a valued friend over the phone, so I’m waiting until I see them in August. But I am really nervous about telling them because as Travis also proved on his blog, you don’t always know how things will turn out and how people will react.
On the one hand we’ve been friends for years and we all know each other very well. Something like this should not really come between a friendship like that. On the other hand they mean too much for me to take that chance. The same question arises when I meet new people. At this very moment I have a new friend who doesn’t know about the heroin part of my life yet. I don’t really know when the best time is to reveal something like this.
Let’s face it! My lifestyle is still not that of a free man yet. I have limits, rules and curfews. I am checked up on and have to report back very often. These actions, especially for a 26 year old man, will seem very suspicious to somebody that doesn’t know my story.
I find qualities like communication and honestly very important both in friendships and in relationships. I am not a big fan of starting a friendship on a bunch of lies, deception or complete silence. Still, this is a delicate issue by any person’s assessment. Do, I tell people I meet about this part of my life when I meet them, only when we know each other much better or not at all?
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Sunday, 10 June 2007
Day 198 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
I woke up Friday morning at 06:30am, which is about an hour later than usual. I could do this because I had the day off. Of course, sleeping late to me means getting out of bed before 07:00am, which is very different from what it meant to me last year!
Sleeping or waking up were two very different things when I was a heroin addict. Even though most heroin addicts have insomnia, I rarely had a problem falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Sleep signaled a time where I wasn’t craving, using or withdrawing from heroin and those nights when I didn’t drink tranquilizer pills to finally get to sleep or didn’t dream of heroin were the most peaceful nights ever.
Waking up, was when the hell started again. From the moment I opened my eyes my whole body ached and I was looking for one thing – of course, heroin. On the days when I knew I was housebound and couldn’t go anywhere I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away in an endless sleep. Some days I only slept with the help of a hand full of medication. No sleeping pills seemed to help. And on the lucky days when I could leave the house it was just a countdown until I pressed the dealer’s speeddial number!
I am back to the sleeping routine I had before heroin which is usually no later than 07:00am. Even when I sleep over at a friend’s house after a late night I still wake up round about then, and sit alone for 2-3 hours before the rest of them wake up.
Quite a different way of living, I think. From wishing I could sleep eternally free from heroin, to waking up as early as possible to embrace the day. That’s what I call recovery!
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
Friday, 8 June 2007
Day 196 - "CV of a Recovering Heroin Addict"
We’ve all known since January this year that things were going to change at the office. Those that have followed the blog know that the office moved to a new premises, changed owners and that certain staff changes would be imminent. That time is upon us now!
There is ‘too much staff’ at the office at the moment, as indicated by management on a daily basis. Too much staff! For six years I haven’t taken leave because nobody else could do my job or I couldn’t take leave with my mom because nobody else could do hers. Now… we are too much staff!
Somebody at the office will probably have to go. And whether it is me or a family member or a friend – somebody will leave here with nothing! Out of everybody at the office I am the youngest and perhaps more likely to find other work. More likely however doesn’t guarantee that I will find anything.
If I weren’t still paying off a lot of my drug debt I think these events would be less of a problem. I have learned to live on the minimum amount of money since my heroin addiction and must say I surprised myself at how well I’ve been doing that. Still, I need a steady income to keep the ‘credit departments’ away!
My job seeking has now forcibly turned up a notch from casually keeping an ear on the ground for available positions to aggressive searching for new employment. And whether I think I’m clever or cute or a hard worker there are a few things hindering my job seeking.
I might be a fast learner or eager to expand my knowledge but since school drugs seemed to be my homework and I never furthered my qualifications. I was in an accident early on this year and my car was written off, which means I don’t have my own transport. And of course, the ever lingering heroin addiction which is still widely known in certain circles.
Perhaps it is a good idea to hand in my blog with my CV – maybe that will help!
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
Day 193 - "Free to be Me!"
One of my friends invited me to go away for the weekend at the end of the month – to
At the moment I still have to ask my parents if I as much as want to go to the shop around the corner, so I figured that going away to Cape Town for a weekend would most certainly warrant some mention and would probably raise concerns. I was really surprised that all my worry about asking them was really needless in the end when they agreed without argument.
The plane tickets have been bought, the car has been rented, so I guess it is really official. There is no turning back now. I can’t wait to see
I want to live a normal life again, perhaps live a normal life for the very first time in my life. I want to be free… free from longing, wanting or taking drugs. And this trip marks a lot of that for me. It is not so much about me actually going – it is about being trusted enough to let me go, to be liked enough for me to be invited and to feel comfortable enough inside to actually do it!
"9 Lives" - Part 1
| 9 Lives - Part 1 | |
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| This post is called ‘9 Lives’ and is a great test in creativity. It is a description of where 9 different people are at 9 different times during the day. Every person has a different life with different problems and different concerns. I first saw the idea on Marc Olmstead’s blog. Since then a mutual friend, Alan has done his own version of ‘9 lives’ with a slight twist. Here is my interpretation…
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Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Day 188 - "Behind door number 3"
The father of one of the people that work with me passed away this morning. His wife (her mother) passed away last year about this time, and since then his health and mind has been slowly fading and fading. He has basically been eating away at the highly regarded image his children and family had of him before all of this started. So, when we got the news this morning some people were thinking perhaps it is better this way.
The subject is debatable and I’m sure anybody can come up with positive or negatives points to support the issue. My focus today is obviously more towards addicts.
Through my time as a heroin addict most hoped I would ‘see the light’ and kick the habit. And even though at times it looked as if it would be my fate forever, most knew deep down inside I would eventually conquer the daemon. But there are a lot of heroin addicts out there of whom we cannot make this positive assessment. Some will try but they will fail continuously until the day heroin finally wins in death. These people will slowly poison themselves and their families destroying the relationship they once had, causing restless nights and unbearable days.
I’d like to think I am a good example that people can change and that heroin doesn’t need to be victorious in ones life. Regrettably, not everybody is that lucky. So, the question is… when is enough, enough? When do you give up hoping? When do you give up caring? When do you reach the point where death is the better option?
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Day 186 - "Recurring Compulsion"
The subject of addiction came up the office yesterday. I don’t know if I have specifically mentioned this before, but I do not smoke. Even though I have had a cigarette or two, but in my lifetime probably not finished three, this is probably the one thing that I haven’t gotten addicted to.
Almost everything that I have undertaken in my life has led to unhealthy abuse and overdoing. From drinking to gambling to all kinds of drugs. I get offered a cigarette very often, especially by people that know my heroin history and when I turn it down I have to smile at the amazement in their eyes. How can a heroin addict not have been a smoker?
I must honestly say that I am very glad I am and have never been a smoker. Seeing how a lot of people ‘need’ their cigarettes on a daily basis reminds me too much of a life of dependence.
Even coffee came up as a major addiction in the office, especially now in the winter months. I usually need my cup of caffeine, preferably two by the time I’m at the office, before I face the world. It reminds me a lot of my life in 2006. Every morning when I opened my eyes the very first thought that popped in was: I am hurting, I want heroin. Every single second I spent in the house was a count down until I could phone the dealer. And getting my daily fix wasn’t something I needed before I could face the world; it was a necessity to face life.
So, I’ll drink my cup of coffee in the mornings and on a bad morning, maybe six. I’ll know that it is a small addiction and probably a little unhealthy. But I won’t be counting the seconds until I leave the house. I won’t be phoning the dealer as soon as I exit. I won’t be addicted to heroin!
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
Monday, 28 May 2007
Day 185 - "Fighting Viciously"
On Wednesday that passed I was in recovery 6 months. And although it still feels like yesterday that ‘heroin addict’ was an appropriate description for me, it also feels like years have passed since then. I remember sitting at this exact same spot, typing on the same computer and every word that appeared on the screen I wrote with hope that I would beat it, and with every line that I finished the doubt started setting in. To imagine a time back then where I was no longer a heroin addict – seemed nearly impossible.
A lot of things have changed since then, not only in my personal life, but in my work life. Although it is not something I am actively doing at the moment or pursuing viciously I have started to submit my CV to a few places. I love my job very much and for more than 6 years I have been very happy with the company I am at. But in all due respect to my bosses, in the end it is still a dead-end job. I am not earning a lot of money and there is no chance of working myself into a higher position with more pay.
I realize perhaps now, after inspecting the state of my life, more than ever that I need to look after myself. I need to make sure I have a future somewhere. One of the places I have sent my CV is in Johannesburg/Pretoria which raised a whole other series of problems and questions. The most important one really is whether I’d be ready to move away from home and somewhere on my own. And that is a very difficult one to answer!
Six months, although to me a huge achievement, is not very long in recovery. Then again when will be long enough. I don’t know if that longing for heroin inside will ever go away. I have surprised myself and a whole lot of other people with how well I’ve been doing the past few months. I think I’ve shown a lot of strength, even if I say so myself. So, I know one thing for sure. I will not let heroin into my life again without a hell of a fight!
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
Friday, 25 May 2007
Day 182 - "Alternate Communication"
It has been just over 6 months now since I chased heroin out of my life in the hope to live a normal life again. Half a year spent trying to undo the damage that years has caused in my life.
Things are going great. I am really optimistic about my days and the constant fear of a possible mishap doesn’t hover in my mind like it used to. I can’t ask for anything more.
Changing the blog a few weeks back turned out to be a very good choice. Since then people have urged me to go to schools and talk to kids and stuff. This is something I don’t nearly feel comfortable with yet. In all fairness I am still fighting my own fight – I can hardly fight anybody elses. But I do hope that even though my blogging is not daily anymore that you still read it and find something to learn from it.
My ex and I have been communicating for a few weeks now over the phone (SMS, MMS and MXIt) and on Saturday after the rugby match was the first time we spoke in 2 years. The purpose of the call, of course, was to rubb my nose in the fact that the sharks lost. In those few minutes of long awaited audio I remembered so much of the good times we had together. It is strange that when the good times are so good, you tend to forget about how bad the bad times were.
I spoke to a friend yesterday. He is about the closest thing I’ve got to a best friend. We’ve been friends for ages, since he was at school. He was out of the country for a while and then came back and moved to Pretoria. I realized last night that I haven’t mentioned anything about heroin to him since this started or ended. In fact, thinking about it now, even my ex is oblivious to the topic.
And it is not that I don’t want to tell them. Afterall, it has been an honest subject over the past few months. It’s just, that they mean too much to me for them to hear it over a phone or even read it in a blog.
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Day 180 - "Ibogaine"
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
A while back I asked people to send me their experiences with a treatment called Ibogaine. I first heard of Ibogaine through a friend of mine, after he saw an Interview of it on Carte Blanche. At the time I was still pretty deep into the addiction and every morning I woke up I realized it was only getting harder. There was finally something that could possibly help me quit.
The treatment is quite expensive, but then again, you can’t really put a price on somebody’s life. Somehow, asking for more money from my parents, after all I had already taken from them – seemed inappropriate. But I don’t doubt that they would have helped me. In fact, they offered many times.
My friend, was much worse off than I was. Some days you could see his body was on the verge of just giving up the fight. I spent so many nights worrying about whether or not he was going to make it – and realizing it would also be my fate unless I stopped. He went to the Centre in Kempton Park in the hope that this would be his miracle cure.
From the e-mails I received the treatment was, very appropriately, described as ‘either the WORST or BEST Acid Trip’. Having taken Acid myself on too many occasions to remember I know it can be a delightful experience or a nightmare. To my friend, it was a nightmare, but an e-mail I got described it as ‘FUCKING AMAZING’. I guess it goes to show every person reacts to it differently.
In a nut-shell it is a treatment that leaves you without the withdrawals or cravings that normally go with heroin recovery. And as bad as my friend found the ‘trip’ he did come back with what seemed like a new lust for life. I really believed that heroin would never be part of his life again. But getting off heroin isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3, even with a miracle cure. Regrettably, my friend relapsed within a few weeks. This still happens to a lot of the people, even those coming from the Ibogaine treatment.
Now, I’ve never been there so I can’t really comment from personal experience. All I can say is to me recovery was hell to go through. Most addicts will give up trying before they even get close to ever being ‘normal’ again. And it sounds like Ibogaine is the best fighting tool they have at the moment. It is apparently also effective on coke, ecstasy, cat and even alcohol.
Wonder treatment or not, the fact remains that unless you want to be helped, want to stop, want to live a normal life again – you’ll end back with heroin in your arms every time!
You can check out the SA website on Ibogaine. This might just be the thing that saves your life.
