Saturday, 10 February 2007 - Day 79/2 - "And then there were two... (Part 1)"
I made a mistake… probably the first though you get when you look at the title. Day 79/2… there must some mistake right… two… two… no… not a two… Just two days ago it was about to reach 60… it can’t be a two…
I made a mistake… but the mistake was taking heroin!
Our company is merging with another company. Essentially this means we all need to reapply and motivate our position or purpose in the company and hope we get rehired. There is a strong possibility that either my mother or I, who knows perhaps both, could sit without work. Even if one or both of us get rehired, it might be at reduced salary. And for a person that has debt at almost every financial institution in this country and recently crashed his car which is now being written off… this is not the best of news.
Our company is moving in a bit more than a week, by then all the outstanding work in every department needs to be up to date and basically the whole building needs to be packed up and moved to the new location. Consequently, work is a mess. The stress levels in the building is enough to give power to Cape Town, everybody is stressing, crying, shouting. Some days it feels like a war zone.
Besides that, this feeling of inferiority has plagued me recently. The realization that I am an addict and an addict I will always be haunts me. I know of this brilliant minded person, with such a genuine, honest soul that lies hidden away under layers of addict that I’ll spend years trying to peel away at.
I wanted it all to go away. This unsure butterfly feeling that hung over me like a storm cloud, I wanted it gone. I wanted piece and quiet in my heart, in my mind, in my life, at work… just… silence, emotionless, comforting silence… and the easy way out, the one thing that would take it all away, even if it was just for a few hours… was heroin!
Part 2 continues later today…
Day 79/2 - "And then there were two... (Part 1)"
Friday's Quote!
"I've never done heroin, but I totally understood what would drive people to that distraction - to need that so much."
Sarah McLachlan
P.S) For those that actually pay attention in class, my day counter has reset. I won't be blogging anything this weekend. I have a lot of things to sort out and explaining to do. I hope that I'll be back on Monday with renewed hope and stories to tell my friends.
Day 78/1 – “A way in!"
Friday, 9 February 2007 - Day 78/1 – “A way in!"
[Type Explanation Here]
I guess I should explain… but… I just don’t know how to yet!
T.B
Thursday's Quote!
I realized that I would do drugs alone. I didn't need anyone to do them with me. I was a drug addict.
- Tatum O'Neal
Day 77/59 – “A big fancy house!"
Thursday, 8 February 2007 - Day 77/59 – “My big fancy house!"
My mind is a house - A big fancy house, with a huge wall surrounding it and electric fencing keeping the burglars out. I feel safe in my house because no matter who tries and get in – my fence will protect me.
One day I look outside the window and I see my old friend heroin standing there. I remember the good times we used to have together even though we didn’t part on good terms. He was a user and abuser throughout our friendship and in the end he didn’t care about me one bit. Even so, we still had good times together.
Maybe he has changed, I tell myself. Maybe things could be like they used to be, before it all turned bad. Maybe I should give him another chance! Or maybe he hasn’t. Maybe he is still the same old devil he has always been. I close the window! My house is still safe, I am still safe!
Perhaps I don’t even see him standing across the road. I don’t want to know him, talk to him, see him anymore. That part of my life is over and I wouldn’t recognize him if he stood next to me. But he is there still there looking for ways to get in.
The storms that hang over my head, darken my house as the power goes off again. It has happened a lot lately. It is too dark in the house for me to see anything. I keep bumping into tables and boxes. I don’t see him climbing over the wall – I won’t see him until he is inside the house, standing next to me - greeting me, like he never left!
Two of the people I met through the blogs, have family members who are also heroin addicts and they recently relapsed. A relapse by a fellow recovering addict places everything in such a clear perspective for you. This hallmark moment of easy heroin recovery is crushed when reality reminds you – nothing about this is easy!
At times like these you want to ask them: “Why…? Why would you take again? Why after fighting for so long would you ever consider the thought?” And when you hear the news you want to be angry or hurt, you want to fight with them, blame them… But it isn’t their fault. They were watching the gate. They thought the fence was protecting them. But Heroin is the one that wants to get in… Heroin is the one that will find a way in!
Wednesday's Quote!
"When we meet, I'm interested and I'm curious about what he's doing because he's burning a number from a client. And I'm like, 'Who is this?' and my girlfriend's like, 'That's a drug dealer. Stay away from him.'"
- Rosario Dawson
Day 76/58 - "He knew (remembering)"
Wednesday, 7 February 2007 - Day 76/58 - "He knew (remembering)"
I posted this piece exactly a month ago. And perhaps the repost today might not yet testify of my frame of mind today, I think tomorrow's post might shed some light.
Here is to remembering my friend...
He knew he was going to die. He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he would never be able to separate from it. He knew each time he pushed the needle into his collapsing veins that sooner or later his organs, his body, his life would all fail him. One by one they would leave him until the only thing that remained was the last bit of breath he blew from his body, that and the damage of heroin.
I can remember him like I saw him yesterday. It was a sight that most people should never get to see, especially not his parents. He was lying there, wild eyes, yellowish face, sunken eyes. I had never seen anybody like this before. He was delusional, most of the times he didn’t know where he was – but he kept saying “Sorry!” Sorry for the things he has done, sorry for letting it all go this far, sorry for dying.
He knew he was going to die. He wrote in his diary prior to his death that he knew he wasn’t going to live a long life. He told me on several occasions how he couldn’t stand the withdrawal and would rather keep on taking the drugs than face it. I think he knew his body wouldn’t be able to take much more.
I visited him in hospital that day. I looked at him lying there. We weren’t the best of friends but he was always good to me. He stood up for me, protected me – we spend a lot of time together. And there I was hours after taking heroin myself helplessly staring at him, unable to protect him.
In the midst of my emotionless staring I thought to myself I don’t want to end up like this. I don’t want to put my parents through this, this stress, this pain, this uncertainty. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to stop. I thought to myself if there was a switch I could flip to make it all go away I would have done it a long time ago. But even with him lying there, staring death in the face neither of us could switch it off. The first chance either of us got we would have gone to find heroin.
But he never made it that far. His funeral was a week after that day. I entered the church with not much recollection of how much heroin I took just moments before. My eyes were dim and my pupils were hardly visible. I sat down and nodded off occasionally as the heroin spread through my body, listening to the story of his life.
A story of a boy that lost his life at such a young age. Heroin only had him in its clutches for 10 months, 7 of those he was on heroin, but during that time he used 10 times as much as me. Thinking back at the times we took heroin together I realize that each time we took it was minutes closer to his death – to mine... He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he knew most of all he would never be able to separate from it. He knew he was going to die!
Tuesday's Quote
“You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye.”
- Hunter S. Thompson
Day 75/57 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 2)"
Tuesday, 6 February 2007 - Day 75/57 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 2)"
Welcome to the blog couch. Here are the second part of the questions and answers. You are welcome to keep sending any questions you think I need to answer for you or for myself. There are still lots more and some of them I can only answer after doing a blog entry about the subject. So, buckle up for interesting week!
Why did you start taking heroin?
I think the question I need to answer is why I took drugs in the first place. Let’s say you smoke weed. You won’t ever imagine injecting heroin. I started by taking ecstasy and I set the boundaries for myself, saying I’ll never take acid or coke or never ever take heroin. And after a while on ecstasy you try the next thing and then the next and every time your boundaries shift a bit allowing just a bit more. You think that the next one isn’t that much worse than the one you are currently taking so it’s not bad. Going from taking cocaine to smoking heroin to injecting heroin is small steps and at the time it might not seem that bad. I was bored I was curious, I was experimental, and I was interested… I don’t know. Some times it was just ‘peer pressure’
Are you blaming your friends then?
No… nobody ever forced me to take drugs. I am a smart boy who makes my own conscious decisions. I call it peer pressure because the choice I was faced with was “don’t take drugs and go home and sleep” or “take drugs and party the night away.” If you know me – then that choice wasn’t too hard to make!
Why did you stop taking heroin?
I didn’t like the person it was turning me into. I started taking heroin maybe under the false impression that it wouldn’t happen to me. I knew how dangerous heroin was but I guess I honestly thought I could try it once and stop. When I woke up one day and realized I was addicted (just like every other person I read about) I knew I was heading in one direction unless I did something.
So, what did you do?
I saw a doctor, got medicine to help with the withdrawals and I really thought it was over. And then after being clean for a week or two you think it is over. It was that thought that made me fall back day after day for 8 months. After countless struggles, threads or close-calls I chose to be honest with myself for a change and stop taking heroin. I stopped leaving “back doors” open or hide needles all over the place or hiding information or methods of how I could score again. I was honest with myself and everybody else… that was also the beginning of this blog!
Have your parents read the blog?
My friends, family, co-workers even (and this I found out last night) my grandmother is reading my blog. My parents haven’t read it yet. I printed them a copy this past week – so I guess all will be revealed to them soon!
Tomorrow’s blog:
I’m having dreams again. I call them dreams even though my make me wake up in a cold sweat, guilty and depressed. I call them dreams because while I have them… I am in my dream world again. I am using heroin again!
Monday's Quote!
"Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with”
- George Carlin
Day 74/56 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 1)"
Monday, 5 February 2007 - Day 74/56 – “On the couch: Q&A (Part 1)"
Welcome to the blog couch. My weekly therapy session with YOU! I asked everybody to send me questions so that you could all get to know me better and really for myself to get to know me better. And the response was enormous… thank you all. Here is the first bunch of them...
You’ve been feeling very depressed the last week. Are things better?
Things are improving. Some days I guess it seems like I’m just complaining on the blog. My life can still be an emotional rollercoaster at times. I am dealing with everyday issues just like everybody else, but at the same time I’m trying not to involve drugs while ‘dealing’ with them.
Do you believe you can overcome this?
In the beginning I don’t think I thought so. You hope for the best every day and I really surprised myself with the progress I made. I guess the answer is yes. I am determined that I can not only overcome my heroin addiction but also stop any future addiction or drug use.
Did you think you would relapse again or will relapse again?
In the beginning I knew it would happen sooner or later. As much as I wanted to get and stay clean there was a part of me that still wanted to try it sometime, somewhere in the future. When I did take again on Day 18 – that feeling of ‘I want to take again’ was gone. After that day I was sure that I would never take heroin again!
If heroin was offered to you… would you be able to say “No!”
I wish there was a nice answer to give here. But the reality is… I don’t think I would be able to say no. I don’t have an urge to go get heroin. I don’t crave it. I very rarely think about it these days. But if it was here lying next to me or being offered to me… I’m sad to say I think heroin would win that round!
If you had to do this over again, would you go to Rehab instead of doing it without it?
If I had to turn back time and do it over again from last year, then No, I still wouldn’t go to Rehab. I stopped taking heroin and went through recovery while still going to work every single day. Somehow I just knew it would be better for me that way. If I had to relapse and get addicted to heroin again – I will willingly go to rehab, because then I am not strong enough to overcome this addiction.
Difficult tasks and events in life are said to make us stronger, and in most cases I believe this to be true.... but I also believe that strength is choice. Do you choose strength above all else after your struggle?
It is cliché I know, but “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!” And taking into account some of the things that happened in my life lately, I could have died many times, but I survived and came out a stronger person because of it. A stronger person that obviously still had something to do here on earth. Every time something happens in my life I choose to be strong or I choose to crumble to the easy way out – addiction. I think I am still making the choice to be strong every day!
** Part 2 continues tomorrow...
Day 73/55 – “Discussion/Poll 4"
Sunday, 4 February 2007 - Day 73/55 – “Discussion/Poll 4"
The question I asked two weeks back was ‘What do people do on weekdays, Fridays, Saturdays when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?’
Thank you to everybody that gave their opinion. I got some great ideas. Unfortunately stuff like ‘Ten Pin Bowling’ or ‘going to the beach’ is not possible here but the rest I will give a try!
One of the ideas mentioned below actually intrigued me so much that I am planning to start doing it soon… more about that during the week!
- Movie watching with friends (marathon evenings)
- Read
- Gardening
- PC or TV Games
- Cooking, Baking
- Paint
- Chat online
- Blog
- Get a pet (goldfish)
- Game nights (Trivial Pursuit/Pictionary/Risk/30 seconds/scrabble/poker)
- Walking on the beach
- Gym, weight lifting, Martial Arts
- Bowling
- Clubbing
- Braai
- Play Pool
- Adventure Golf
- Ten Pin Bowling
- Woodwork, metal work, sculpture
- Scrap booking
The question for the next two weeks is:
What is your favorite drug movie? Doesn’t have to be a movie about heroin, it could be a movie about any legal, illegal, real or fictitious drugs.
Day 72/54 – “Take me in your arms, Miss Heroin (by Anonymous)"
Saturday, 3 February 2007 - Day 72/54 – “Take me in your arms, Miss Heroin (by Anonymous)"
So now, little man, you've grown tired of grass
LSD, goofballs, cocaine and hash,
and someone, pretending to be a true friend,
said, "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin."
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
just let me inform you of how it will be.
For I will seduce you and make you my slave,
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves.
You think you could never become a disgrace,
and end up addicted to Poppy seed waste.
So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon,
you'll take me into your arms very soon.
And once I've entered deep down in your veins,
The craving will nearly drive you insane.
You'll swindle your mother and just for a buck.
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charm,
and feel contentment when I'm in your arms.
The day, when you realize the monster you've grown,
you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
If you think you've got that mystical knack,
then sweetie, just try getting me off your back.
The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots.
The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot.
The hot chills and cold sweats, withdrawal pains,
can only be saved by my little white grains.
There's no other way, and there's no need to look,
for deep down inside you know you are hooked.
You'll desperately run to the pushers and then,
you'll welcome me back to your arms once again.
And you will return just as I foretold!
I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart.
And you will be mine until, "Death Do Us Part"
Friday's Quote!
Drug Quote for Today:
There is only one reason why men become addicted to drugs,
they are weak men. Only strong men are cured, and they cure themselves.
--Martin H. Fischer
Day 71/53 – “Drive-Thru”
Friday, 2 February 2007 – Day 71/53 – “Drive-Thru”
“How can I get drugs…? Let me count the ways…” I was always amazed at how resourceful a drug addict could be. No matter what the boundaries were they put up I found some way to get around it and score.
I haven’t specifically mentioned this before but my mom and I work together at the same company. Infact, we sit across from each other. This testifies to the cunningness I demonstrated while taking heroin all those months. But when it came time to get clean it worked to my benefit. Having a parent so close by not only to keep a watch but to listen and to comfort me – really helped!
I had a different approach to the recovery from what I saw in other people. Their responses to help were ‘Leave me alone. It’s got nothing to do with you. What do you know? What do you care?’ it was typical stubborn behavior of an addict that didn’t want to get clean. I did it differently. I wanted help and I accepted and appreciated it when I got it. I worked with the people trying to help me and not against them as many others did. But it was only to a point – to the point where the craving kicked in. Then nothing else mattered, all I wanted, all I needed from anybody was heroin!
And getting heroin, getting any drugs is easy especially in this small city. It is more of a mission to buy bread at the local supermarket than it is to get drugs. You make one call and conveniently get the dealer at the pickup point in the area. You don’t get out of the car – you just do the transaction through the window and done! No parking! No Car Guards! No getting out! No queues! Simpler than buying a bread!
So, as we explore reasons for my drug taking I realize that much of the use over the years were purely because of boredom and very much convenience. Sounds like two of the stupidest reasons to throw your life away – but hey, nobody said the reasons were supposed to be smart!
Thursday's Quote!
Blog world (or especially the 24.com blogworld) was crazy today. I'm sure the servers got close to crashing from all the posts. Let me do my bit and do a second post today...
Drug quote for today:
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." - Lily Tomlin
ha ha... I found this funny... must have been somebody ON drugs!
T.B
Day 70/52 – “Seventy!”
Thursday, 1 February 2007 – Day 70/52 – “Seventy!”
I didn’t like it. The first time I smoked it, I didn’t like it at all. I’ve never been a big smoking fan - cigarettes, weed, crack… the whole smoking thing just never caught my interest. But I was then, as I am now, a curious and experimental person. I would try anything once. This was the time I tried crack cocaine.
I remember taking cocaine the first time – didn’t like it. I was a pill junky and anything that didn’t give me ecstasy high just wasn’t going to do. I tried it anyway. I don’t think it was a liking in it that made me try it the second time – maybe just wanted to give it another try cause everybody else was doing it (see the problem there). Soon, I was trying it 3-4 times a week.
So, when I smoked crack the first time I didn’t like it that much either. Again, very possibly because I was comparing it to my drug of choice – ecstasy. In true experimental fashion I tried it again and again and again. And as damaging and dangerous as heroin is – crack is just a vicious drug.
The affect of smoking crack rocks is not long lasting. Soon after you’ve smoked one you want another, and another, and another. I can’t even describe it. It is this purgatory where your only feeling is I want more, your only thought is how to get more and your only action is going to get more. But then again… that is what all drugs do to me!
Today, I've been in recovery 70 days... whoo-haaa...
The power in Pietersburg went out last night – thank you Eskom! I have to thank everybody for participating in the ‘blog couch’ question asking. I received so many questions it will take me the whole weekend to give them the attention they deserve – so look out for them on Monday. Receiving so many made me realize there is still a lot of questions that need answering – stuff you don’t know about me, stuff I don’t know about myself. But then again that was the purpose of doing it – so thank you!
Day 69/51 – “Form Follows Function”
Wednesday, 31 January 2007 – Day 69/51 – “Form Follows Function”
The most important question I could ask myself is if a professional therapist could help me find the direction I seek?! And maybe in that one question lies the reason for asking all the other questions. “Yes… No… Maybe… I just don’t know!” I’d like to think, yes. I’d like to think that there is help available, that perhaps somebody out there has an answer…
I have an obsession, a fixed idea that keeps driving me back to my drugs. I have a compulsion that causes me to be unable to stop at one fix, one pill, one anything.
I have a history of drug abuse. Through the years I have used and abused numerous different drugs and every time I managed to stop and ignorantly continue with my life until my obsession and compulsion drove me to the next thing.
Heroin addiction was the worst thing that happened in my life. It shot me in my knees and while I lay there bleeding it kicked me repeatedly until I hung but inches away from death… that is what heroin did because that is what heroin does. But, heroin gave me this – the realization that I am an addict, the clarity to see some of my problems and the determination to solve them before I end up on my knees again.
I have one quote I always remember, one line I believe in and try to live by: “When we know better, we do better…”. Perhaps my faults, which may or may not be many, is obvious to you and oblivious to me. That is probably the reason I am here then - trying to know better, trying to do better!
Day 68/50 – “A Beautiful Mind”
Tuesday, 30 January 2007 – Day 68/50 – “A Beautiful Mind”
Addiction, as typically defined, is a reliance on a substance or behavior that the individual has little power to resist. It is further described as a “brain disease” and a “chronic relapsing disease” in that there are visible alterations in the brains of addicted individuals and these effects are long-lasting within their neurological patterns.
My name is Christiaan, some of you know me as Tristan (TB) and I am an addict.
Sometimes I struggle to come to terms with it. There is a part of me that believes this is all a bad dream and when I pinch myself I will wake up with little memory of this traumatic nightmare. There is a part of me that believes when I wake up tomorrow I will be cured. That longing will no longer be inside of me and I master the act of stopping and stopping and stopping.
There are people out there that perhaps seem a bit perplexed by the idea of addiction. How it is that a person cannot stop at one or two or three when they so easily accomplish the supposedly insignificant task themselves? I ask myself the very same question sometimes, testing myself, testing fate (if you want) to see if I have learned to stop and to stop and to stop.
I find comfort in the fact that I am asking these questions and querying these situations. As I am reminded everyday by the people that keep me sane, that keep me positive, that keep me well – I am trying to be better. I am examining my life, admitting to my problems and trying to change them. I guess you can call that recovery – so at best I’m a recovering addict.
One is too many and a thousand is never enough. These are the words that addicts live by, because for them there is no stopping at two, there is no stopping until nothing is left: No money, no family, and no life! And for addicts there will always be that longing that need to start something, just once and just once and… just once!
The Blog Couch - Pilot!
I am trying something new on Thursday and hope that all my friends and devoted readers out there will participate. I’ve been on this therapist blog couch for the past 67 days and tomorrow I have been totally clean from heroin for 50 days. If you could ask me that question that you think would help me with my recovery, that would help both of us understand - What would it be?
Comment here or send your questions to tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za before Wednesday at 17:00
Day 67/49 – “I’m on the outside, I’m looking in!”
Monday, 29 January 2007 – Day 67/49 – “I’m on the outside, I’m looking in!”
“If I won a million rand tomorrow would I take heroin again?” I got asked that question in an e-mail this past week. I gave a smile when I read it. I thought to myself… if only everything was as easy as answering this question. “No… I won’t take any heroin… but I can’t promise about anything else!”
I am hoping that when you read these blogs you can see that I am improving. That the person I was 70 days ago is not the person I am today. But the reality of it is, that the person I am today, the person I have been for the past 7 years, 10 years, my whole life – isn’t much of who I am supposed to be either.
I know who I am inside. I know I am a wonderful person, with many talents, great strengths, a plan for the future, for his life. For some reason I can’t seem to pull myself together, follow it through. I have the strength to overcome heroin addiction but I can’t find the strength to head my life in a direction. I just drift aimlessly.
This recovery is about stopping and never taking any drugs or alcohol again. It is about finding the problem that keeps driving me towards the next high and the next one and the next one. It is about why I think I need drugs to accomplish something in this life or why I think I need them to have any fun.
“If I won a million rand tomorrow would I take heroin again?”
“No… I won’t take any heroin… but I can’t promise about anything else!”
So it seems my recovery is only starting!
Day 66/48 – “Poll/Discussion 3 (continued)”
Sunday, 28 January 2007 – Day 66/48 – “Poll/Discussion 3 (continued)”
The following week will be spent talking about Addiction a lot. Got a lot to say and sort out regarding that.
Remember if you want this blog e-mailed to you daily you can contact me at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za and I'll send you a copy daily.
And if you have or know of stories of addiction, recovery, withdrawal or drugs you think should be shared with the world (and can't or don't want to publish on a blog of your own), please let me know aswell.
Lastly, there is one week left on the bi-weekly discussion. What do people do for fun, to pass the time, with their friends or their family when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?!
See you all tomorrow again with normal posting!
Day 65/47 – “Resurrection (By my friend Kay)”
Saturday, 27 January 2007 – Day 65/47 – “Resurrection (By my friend Kay)”
Falling, falling helplessly
Hurting, hurting endlessly
Collapsing, collapsing unusually
Feeling, feeling perpetually
Recovering, recovering increasingly
In the end…
There is only you better than any drug!
Give up all drugs, you must
Listen to me my friend
A drug is a fiend
Your life is too precious
Drugs can just give some joy
You can't always enjoy.
I can see far. . .
I can reach out almost touch you
You stand looking beautiful
In this less then beautiful world
This world, this old world
Filled with young fools
Who have an answer
For all the troubles of the day ?
They kill their mind with drugs
Foolish youth, wasted youth!
This sick sad addiction
Can't bring the best in you
Crushed you to dumps
Without it your life is empty once you thought
and maybe even now. . .
But, What it gave you ?
You've lost everything and more
Now you sit in a room
Wondering. . .
All the drugs in this world
Smirk at you
Remember, the one thing they can't do
Is the one thing that you want
Life. . .
Suffer. . .Suffer
Cry. .Cry
Don't feel any shame
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
The most massive characters are seamed with scars
Through the tears have the sorrowful first seen the gates of Heaven.
Say no to drugs and save your life
Say no to drugs, they are not your fulfilment
Say no to drugs and save your future
You have a dream, make it come true!
Posted with permission by my friend Kay, dedicated to me!
Picture of my Car Door!
This is a picture of the front driver side where I was hit. This is basically the worst, although the back door will probably need fixing aswell. Still waiting to hear how much the damage will be...
Day 64/46 – “SAPD - Sadly A Protracted Department"
Friday, 26 January 2007 – Day 64/46 – “SAPD - Sadly A Protracted Department”
My intention was to start today’s blog by telling you how impressed I was with the SAPD in Polokwane. Within 5-7 minutes we had them, the medics, tons of spectators and of course the tow trucks there. Everything went very smoothly. The policeman filled out the paperwork, took both our details and report on the incident. He told us to phone after two the following day to get the case number.
So… forward to two o’clock yesterday afternoon. I phoned the local police office and after 12 minutes of paging through the book (which seemed to start at 1985) he still didn’t find anything. I decided to phone back this morning and again exactly the same story. Either he is paging through a Harry Potter book or… my accident report got lost somewhere.
Now, I wasn’t on drugs and I wasn’t drinking, but I was in shock. I didn’t get the other guy’s details or the policeman’s details. It was the first time I was in an accident like this and I couldn’t even remember my dad’s phone number to phone him – so I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly. So at this point, it seems… the police department has not failed again in their reputation of being incompetent and useless. Now... I will have to go into the police station anyway and fill in an accident report AGAIN having no details of the other party.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about yesterday’s post. I wrote the blog entry about an hour after the accident. I was still very upset. I look at how bad the door is where the car hit me and I know that having minor injuries is a miracle and blessing. And even in that situation taking heroin didn’t cross my mind once. Heroin, as a nervous system depressant, helps for pain – so it would have been so easy to just take heroin instead of dealing with it.
But, I am alive. I am not badly hurt and I didn’t take heroin. These are all things I should be happy and proud of – and I am! Thank you to the tons of e-mails I received yesterday. The support system I have not only for my troubled heroin times but for troubled times in general is amazing. I thank you all very much and have a great weekend!
Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”
Thursday, 25 January 2007 – Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”
It is just like 100 days ago, 63 days ago, 45 days ago. No matter what I do, karma, God, whoever you think is the higher power in your life is getting back at me. It is so wrong to think it, but maybe I should just have died. When our cars collided yesterday… maybe I should just have died!
I was in a car accident last night. I am okay, except for a sore leg where the car hit me. The medics checked me out and nothing is broken but my muscles are so sore I can hardly move my leg or walk on it. I have a few bruises and cuts, but other than that I’m still alive. My car, however, doesn’t look that good. If you look at the car I think it is a miracle that I wasn’t hurt badly. My doors, my dash, even the umbrella in my boot (totally on the other side of the car) was broken in bits. My windows all broke from the impact and even the glasses on my face were propelled from my face onto the other car.
I stood there thinking… I don’t have the energy for this, my mother, my father – they don’t have the energy for this. We are still going through on of the most challenging things I think can happen to a family or a person, last week saw the changes at work which has us all stressed to high levels and now, literally with a BANG comes the next problem. They don’t deserve this – BUT I DO!
I have done many wrongs in my life, especially towards my family and I think the scales needs a lot of work before they will ever balance. I have been flooded by people thanking me for my stories, the reality of it, my courage, my honesty and I sooth my conscience by thinking that at least I am doing good by writing this blog. Every day I am one day closer to repaying my debt. These blogs aren’t only my biggest saviour but for many, my life, my reality has shown them that they too can lead a better life.
This isn’t exactly the better life they were referring to, but yet again the writer(s) of my life story keeps me on my toes. I know these are all material things so I am very fortunate not to be hurt badly. Still this feeling of guilt hangs over me today like the rain clouds in this country at the moment. I know until I balance the scales everybody around me, especially my family, will still hurt and suffer!
Day 62/44 – “Isle C – Lives on special”
Wednesday, 24 January 2007 – Day 62/44 – “Isle C – Lives on special”
I went shopping this weekend to get some groceries for my mother. The only time I used to go shopping was on my Woolies card buying overly expensive items for myself I didn’t need. I used to buy a lot of stuff on top of all the cash I was withdrawing. It made me feel better when the realization of the live I was leading, was setting in.
This weekend wasn’t a shopping spree of guilt or feeling better. It was actually a grown-up task (if you want to call it that). It was like I was living on my own doing the weekly or monthly shopping of essentials before I go home to my place and just hang.
Don’t get me wrong. I am incredibly happy living with my parents. There was a time last year I told them I would move out. If they want me to, I would go. My heroin addiction was ripping the family apart and I couldn’t stop it – not at the time. I would rather live on the street somewhere than do to my parents what I did to them daily.
Of course, had they allowed me to make that choice I would have been dead or in jail by now – guaranteed. Now, much more than ever I am glad that I am here with them.
Joining yesterday’s conversation about ending up a 40 year old bachelor, I would prefer not to be living with my parents either when I’m 40. That would just be a perfect picture, wouldn’t it! My cats, my parents and I – in one house. Again, my actions have set me back so much I won’t afford a place of my own anytime soon.
I love going shopping – even when I’m buying groceries. I’ve thought maybe it’s the people. I just love looking at them, especially the cute ones (hey, I’m human), trying to figure out their story - their life. Do they look at me – trying to figure out mine? Or maybe I like it because for that brief moment I am just like everybody else again!
Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone"
Tuesday, 23 January 2007 – Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone”
I like cactus plants. I had three of them – they all died.
What am I afraid of - Being alone! I’m afraid of ending up a 40 year old bachelor who can count the amount of serious relationships he has had on one hand and still have fingers left.
There was a long time ago when I used to go out at night looking for people to meet. Like if I looked hard enough and in the right places I would find somebody – anybody! Every night ended miserably because my purpose was to find someone and I seemed to waste every night while I pointlessly searched and found no-one.
I wasn’t a model. I didn’t look like a movie star – I would never look like one. But I wasn’t ugly; I was a good guy with a great personality. I realized one day that if I spent my life looking for someone the whole time I would end up miserable and alone anyway. So, I changed. I started living like I was the only one that made myself happy – I didn’t need a “better half” to make me better.
The city I live in is small. The options are limited. My self-esteem is very low. And I am going through heroin recovery. Seems like I am just adding to the long list of obstacles that will keep me from finding anybody.
I am mentioning this and you might be thinking what this has got to do with my heroin recovery. I sat a large part of this weekend thinking about the disease I have called addiction. How my addiction has been one thing, then another, then another. It simply won’t go away until I find the problem! Seeing as I am totally in debt I can’t afford to see a physiatrist right now. So, the next best thing has been sitting on the blog-couch telling my story for the past 60 days.
Today, this is my story. A story about an insecure, hopeless romantic that thinks there is still good and love in the world. I believe that, because I’m still here. After all that happened, after all my sins, I am still here, with more love than ever to give. And as unappreciated as it might sound right now… I’m afraid… afraid of being here 14 years from now – still very much alone!
Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"
Monday, 22 January 2007 - Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"
I don’t think I’m strong enough for that yet. I have thought about it, but it is just too dangerous. To most it would seem harmless enough but to me it is waving a carrot in front of a donkey. There are three movies I would like to see again, very much. Due to the topic of the movies – I am avoiding them for the moment.
“Trainspotting”, “Requiem for a Dream” and “Basketball Diaries” are some of the most brilliant drug stories you’ll ever see – especially about heroin addiction. “Basketball Diaries” was the first time Mark Wahlberg (who I knew from Calvin Klein underwear modeling) and Leonardo di Caprio (who I first saw on Growing Pains in 1992) worked together. They, along with one of my other favorite actors Matt Damon worked on a movie together again – “The Departed”. It is an absolutely brilliant piece of work. I sat through the 150 minute movie hoping it would never end.
Without giving anything about the plot away it is essentially about two people working under cover, leading double lives. I find the concept of a “double life” very intriguing. As I walked out of the movie I thought of how my own life was lived almost like a double life for a very long time. By myself I was a heroin addict, I stole, manipulated, cheated – all to keep my addiction going. Among my friends I pretended to be okay, like I wasn’t taking or wasn’t craving. In front of my family I was either trying to get clean or totally clean – that was my double life.
In the movie there is one line I want to quote: “I want my identity back…” Leonardo said this and I sat there saying the same to myself. Seven years ago my life went on a detour along a path that lead me to drugs. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to the highway – which is the proper course of my life - my identity! Then again, maybe the road I took wasn’t a detour – maybe all that happened was destined to happen this way and I’ve been on the highway this whole time – just getting a bit of traffic!
Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"
Sunday, 21 January 2007 - Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"
“Have you read my blog before?” that was the poll question for the past two weeks. Thank you to the almost 600 people that visited my blogspot page and to the 91 people that took the time to vote.
The results are:
I never miss an entry (63%)
I’ve read it a few times and find it very informative (20%)
It is the first time I’ve read it (12%)
I’ve stumbled apon it a few times (5%)
Thank you again to those that participated. The next two weeks is more of a discussion. Comment, e-mail whatever you need to do, but I would like the world’s input on this:
What do people do on weekdays, Fridays, Saturdays when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?
For most this might seem a simple question. To a person living in a very small city with limited entertainment, who has made drugs part of his live for 6 years – this is slightly harder.
