Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Since putting my e-mail address on the blog I’ve received a few more e-mails than usual of people telling me their own stories. It is shocking to hear how many in this country and abroad have similar problems themselves or with their loved ones. But there were two stories that really stood out.
What can you really do to help an addict? I asked myself this question for most of last week, trying to solve it for myself and somebody else. I know, better than most will ever understand, the hold that drugs can have on your life. Even those that use drugs but aren’t addicts will not grasp the grip of it on your mind, your body and your life. But whether you are an addict or a casual user, one thing will remain the same – you must want to stop!
So, how do you as a father or a mother, brother, sister or friend help a person that doesn’t want to be helped? And believe me, that happens. I convinced myself for months I wanted to stop, I wanted to get better but I lied to myself and to those around me. Deep down inside I still wanted to take, I still needed it and I still wanted it. No matter what anybody did, where they sent me or for how long – I would still fall back until I really wanted to stop.
I wish there was this miracle cure I could magically reveal. This potent phrase you could say that would make somebody see the light. I wish that I could tell you to follow my every step and that would be the path to get over it… but it isn’t as simple as that! I think to myself, if I had kids (even with the knowledge I have now) and I found out they were using heroin and that they weren’t ready to stop. What could I do? What could I say? And the answer…?
Nothing! Doesn’t that just make you feel so helpless. That must be what my parents felt like all those months – helpless! Going through every single day seeing their child slowly die and having no real action to take against it. Nothing!
Day 179 - "Nothing"
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
Monday, 21 May 2007
Day 178 - "The day I got an itch!"
I remember the first time I started withdrawing from heroin, like it was yesterday. It started much the same as all the other times would. The first time I injected heroin was not even 4 days before that day – and I had already spiked more than 5 times.
I took too much the previous night. My body clearly didn’t like what I was pumping through it and I became very sick. I was nauseous the whole night and my face was as white as snow. Everytime I injected heroin I could taste it in my mouth. I could still taste it from the night before, it was all I tasted!
I slept over at a friend’s house, so most of what happened lay oblivious to my parents. Thinking back I wonder if anything would have turned out differently, had they found out that day. I had to go to work and calling in sick had never been in option in my time there. Starting now would never be accepted. I cleaned up as best I could and went to the office. As the day progressed I looked worse and got sicker. They finally sent me home. I imagine that day already raised some warning flags, but my manipulating would start then, only to be perfected over time.
I felt much better the following day. I could keep food down again but I could hardly walk. My whole body had this numbness to it that I had never felt before. I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes and forget! Of course being sick a second day at the office would be a dead give away that something serious was wrong – so my acting performance began. Today I would act like a normal human being, full of energy, full of life – not sick, not withdrawing – no heroin!
My legs started paining, or it was more of an itch back then really. An itch deep down inside in your bones where you could never scratch. No matter how I stood, how I lay, how I sat, how I tried to sleep – it was there, itching, paining. Every day I woke up hoping it would be gone and every day it was still there, reminding me I took heroin. I woke up one morning and that relentless throbbing in my legs had vanished.
That very same night I met up with my friends again. I wish to this day I can remember the thoughts in my head because that day would prove to change my life forever. I remember the night, the venue, the people there with me. But for the life of me I cannot remember why! I took heroin again that night and the day after that and the day after that. It started an endless sequence of events that would continue day after day after day. My itch would eventually grow into a pain and in the end into flesh-tearing agony that would never go away.
Thinking back today I realize I spent most of last year sick or withdrawing. The whole year was one big fight to stay healthy and kick the habit. As the seasons change people around me are getting sick and I can feel my fragile immune system still fighting to stay healthy. And the thing is, how terrible I might feel if I should catch something now, I am eternally grateful it will not be a year of withdrawing again!
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
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Sunday, 20 May 2007
Day 177 - "Would you change?"
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
Lyrics to a song by Tracy Chapman - "Change"
The following video is of Dominic Monaghan (Charlie) in Lost. The song of Tracy Chapman is playing in the background. Very appropriately, if you follow Lost, Charlie was also a heroin addict, who eventually decided to change his life. Be Warned though - there is part of this clip that might be considered a 'Lost Spoiler'.
Day 174 - "You're on candid camera!"
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Day 174 - "You’re on candid camera!"
I have been staying over at a friend’s house this past week. You all remember that I stayed with ‘ThisIsMe’ a few weeks back while her ‘better other’ was out of town. This week ‘ThisIsMe’ is out of town and her ‘better other’ and I are ‘looking after each other’.
They both stay a few kilometers out of town in a flat on a plot. Their landlord is an old friend of my dad who used to work with him. Last night, their landlord absolutely does the unthinkable…
He phones my dad and tells him, that he has got me, Christiaan, with him at one of the local clubs in Polokwane and I am wasted (like totally drunk of my rocker). My dad, after hearing the news, is apparently furious and ready to come and pick me up and I imagine never letting me see sunlight again. I can only imagine the expression on their faces last night.
Luckily he tells my dad he joked, before my dad storms out of the house. Probably not the best joke to make to the parents of a recovering heroin addict, but in his defense he doesn’t really know the story. The more I think about it, my parents probably skip a beat everytime that phone rings and I am not there. They’ve had their fare share of phone calls (from myself, friends and the police) revealing yet another stupid thing I’ve done. And for somebody to phone and actually make such a joke probably wasn’t something they wanted to hear.
While I normally don’t drink (that much) anymore or spend time (to often) in clubs – I am still very happy that I didn’t do any of that last night. We can all joke about it today, just relieved that is not my life anymore and for once it is not true anymore.
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Day 173 - "The Blog Times"
My mom and dad started reading my blog this week. Up to now, nobody in the house has read any of the blog entries. And I totally understand why. They don’t need a blog to tell them what they have been living through the past few months. They were there, they saw first hand what I was going through and they themselves experienced what it did to their own lives. No blog… no grouping of carefully picked words can even touch on the pain and despair, hurt and anger that sometimes lay in the house.
I knew that there would come a time where they probably would feel comfortable enough to experience some of it again. I was pleasantly surprised to hear they started reading it and they even suggested my brother start reading it as well. Even though I figured they would eventually be reading it, I think I was pretty honest with my feelings on those days, regardless of how they might be perceived when read in the future.
Most of the people at the office are also now reading the blog. I send the entries to their e-mail a few days after it has been posted. Deciding not to give them the online blog address was a very conscious decision. Since I share my feelings very openly I didn’t want people at the office to know daily exactly how I feel and this while sitting in the same office as me.
The purpose of this blog was always to be shared with anybody and everybody. I have not been proud of some of the things I have done and mentioned here, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I wonder how many people would let their family members or co-workers take a daily peek at their blogs?
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
Thursday, 10 May 2007
Day 167 - "How to save a life"
The following was written by a friend and published in a local newspaper called the “Informant” in Polokwane a few weeks back.
“I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…” The popular lyrics of The Fray’s song “How to save a life” have been high on International music charts since 2006 and as a result been sung by many adolescence all over South Africa. The song was written by Isaac Slade, lead singer of the band The Fray, based on his experience with a young boy during his work as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens. The song suggests how one should approach a drug addict in the aim to save their life and has woken a tragic realization in many young and old South Africans. Drug abuse is a growing problem all over the world, even in our home town of Polokwane.
According to Captain Seabi of the Polokwane Police, the youth are by far the biggest offenders when it comes to drug abuse related arrests. Ndo Mamgala, the spokesperson for education in Polokwane adds that the drug problem is not only found amongst our youth but even extends to some teachers in schools: “There have been incidents where teachers abuse alcohol and remain absent from school for days as a result.” In an event to curb this problem officials then insist these teachers go to rehabilitation centres and if these do not help they have been forced to dismiss them. While some teachers are drug abusers themselves there are many more who make an effort to control and prevent drug abuse in schools.
A well known teacher at Pepps Polokwane has said that “since Pepps is such a small school, teachers are able to keep a close eye on the students and therefore prevent the development of drug abuse by inflicting punishment in its early stages.” As a result, two children were suspended from the school after being caught smoking cigarettes. There are fortunately, many institutions in Polokwane who make an effort to prevent and control drug abuse but not everyone can be helped by their efforts alone. As inhabitants of Polokwane, we all know someone who is abusing drugs whether it be a friend, a friend of a friend or even ourselves. What then can you do to help prevent and stop this epidemic from savagely stealing lives? How can you save a life?
In attempting to answer this question, Mrs Riette van der Linde, the director of the Far North alcohol and drug rehabilitation centre in Polokwane, has described a typical step by step progression in an addicts life based on her experience working with young users: At first the user makes a decision to stop abusing drugs and proceeds to face a very difficult process of withdrawal. What keeps this person from relapsing and proceeding to carry on with their drug abuse is the support and praise from his or her family and friends. After experiencing days of pain and resisting the ever-growing cravings, the addict admirably manages to stay clean and the parents and friends trust they will never return to their old habits. As a result the parents and friends no longer feel the need to praise and support this person as much as they believe that the battle is over, but they are wrong. Steve Hamilton, a recovering drug addict who often gives motivational speeches in local schools wrote the following shocking truth in his book I want my life back: “One thing I remember about addiction is that it’s a progressive disease. It will ravage you physically as well as mentally and it won’t simply stop when you stop drugging…Even if you stop drugging, you still have the disease. You’re still an addict.” With loss of support and praise the addict will then often fall back into his or her old habits which often leads to an inevitable death. What can you do to prevent this? How can you save a life? There is no clear answer to this difficult question but there have been many who have found a way to overcome this battle. One of these people is a local boy who replaced his bad habit with a good one…blogging.
This young man gave us some insight into how he is managing to stay clean of drugs, “This struggle of mine has been going on for the past year. I only recently found these blogs and have found amazing comfort in sharing my thoughts and feelings while I try and recover. The support I have out there, mostly in people I have never met gives me strength to try my best every day. I will always stay an addict, but at least now I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict.” This man has written daily, detailed entries on his site since the 24th of November 2006. He describes the daily battle of withdrawal he goes through, he speaks of shocking drug and dealer experiences and then people comment on his entries and in turn give him the support he needs to recover. He is truly admirable for overcoming all he has thus far and he can serve as an inspiration for all who are facing the same battle, as he says: “I read the comments on my blogs throughout the day and they, more than anything else, give me the strength to continue with my recovery. I have used alcohol, dagga, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, kat, crack, pinks and heroin (take a breath) and only realize now that I am an addict and will never have control over any of it. Although this realization comes presumably a bit late in my life, I believe it is never too late to make the change and stop this cycle!”
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
Day 166 - "2 cents"
Hey kiddies… its me…
I’ve haven’t blogged in 2 days and it feels like I’ve been gone for 2 weeks. I still wake up in the mornings and it feels like I’m missing something big in my life. My first instinct is to go to the computer and write.
I broke the news on Monday that I would be ‘cooling down’ with the blogging and not blog daily as I have done over the past 5 months. It was much better received than I anticipated and I realized just once again how many ‘friends’ I have here supporting me. You are all great and I thank you for your continued support through this.
As you can see, weeks hasn’t passed since I’ve made another entry, as some of you feared.. I’m still around here reading blogs every day and trying to comment a bit more than I used to.
Our computers are the office have been acting up since yesterday. One after the other, the weird problem after the other pops up. As the resident IT-Guy, on top of my normal office duties, I am kept quite busy trying to get them working again – without BASHING THEM!
The new building we moved into in February gets very cold in the winter. My legs are sore right into the bone from the cold and my feet feels like huge ice blocks. This is still a side affect of my heroin use, but still a huge improvement from the pain earlier on in the year.
And as far as friends or love goes… my ex and I are communicating, trying to get to know each other again after almost 2 years apart. This is a really interesting exercise and I’ll keep you up to date on the progress I make in that department. At the moment it is more of a long-distance-friendship – and I’m approaching it as that to be safe.
That’s my 2 cents for the day. Enjoy the rest of your day and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – or at least take pictures!
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
Monday, 7 May 2007
Day 164 - "The time is nigh"
The time has come! After more than a 160 blogging days in My Heroin Recovery, I am finally doing it. I am sort-of saying Good-Bye to daily blogging!
I have since starting this blog, blogged almost everyday to give you an account of my emotions and feelings on a daily basis. And this was one of my most helpful fighting tools in getting my life back. I am saying Good-bye, but not to blogging entirely!
After much consideration this weekend I have decided that daily blogging isn’t the right thing to do anymore. Instead of writing when I have something to say or when something happens in my life, I have almost forced myself to feel or to relive moments in the past I probably wasn’t ready to share yet – all so that I could write something everyday. Does that make sense to you at all?
Blogging has become part of my daily routine just as waking up or brushing my teeth is and I will miss that part. This doesn’t mean that I’ll disappear for weeks and weeks without updating you – just a chance really to blog whenever I want to or not when I don’t want to.
Even so, I wouldn’t have done it any differently up to now and I would recommend it to anybody. It has been one of the major reasons I have handled this recovery so well. Thank you to the people reading, learning and giving advise. To the people urging me on, helping me through the bad days and sharing my happiness on the good ones. I am very confident that this move will help me even more!
Day 161 - "Week in Review 0405"
Friday, 4 May 2007
Day 161 / 85 – "Week in Review 0405"
Well, good mood or bad mood – all is still going well. My ‘vacation day’ I was supposed to take last week didn’t happen because we were too busy at the office. It really came as no surprise, it always seems to happen. I don’t take the day and it keeps getting postponed until I eventually cancel it. We’ll try again next week!
My dad is in Zimbabwe this week, which leaved us with one less car than usual. So, making any plans that involves me going out must be carefully planned. He is coming back in a day or two, then hopefully things will return to normal.
Our office got ‘Office Busted’ by Jacaranda FM in Limpopo this week. It was a real surprise. Some of the ladies at the office entered my mom, who didn’t know a thing. Infact, she is so busy she rarely gets time to listen to the radio – and hardly knew what an ‘Office Bust’ was. She was totally caught off guard and was less than pleased that I didn’t at least warn her. Still an experience to tell… uhm… the grandkids one day!
I really had a lot of fun with my friends on Monday and Tuesday and even met a few new people. We had one hilarious breakfast on Tuesday morning. I was just glad to be out of the house. This weekend is either going to be dead quiet or totally hectic – we’ll have to see – but I promise to share the juicy details next week.
Enjoy the weekend and don’t do anything I’m not already recovering from!
Day 160 - "Explaining my contemplation"
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Day 160 / 84 – "Explaining my contemplation"
I have never been a suicidal person. Depressed? Yes! But I only have myself and ecstasy to blame for that. In my life I have thought about suicide a lot. Ironically, most of those times were after I stopped taking heroin.
Heroin suppresses your nervous system, so you don’t give a damn. Your emotions, feelings, mind – nothing is what they should be. So, it’s a vicious circle really of wanting more and more. You don’t really care who you hurt or steal from – all you know is, you want more. You start not caring and soon you are hooked in a cycle with little conscious conscience to stop you from doing it.
In much the same way you don’t care what it is has done to your life, to your family, to your friends and to your body. When you stop taking heroin your mind clears up and the reality of things hits you. The emotions you were supposed to feel when your friend died. Those regrets you were supposed to feel when you stole. The shame you were supposed to feel over what you did with your life, to your parent’s life, to your brother’s life… it all comes crashing down on you at one time.
And, naturally in that time addicts return to heroin to avoid the mountain of guilt and regret coming towards them like a Formula One Car. After I stopped taking heroin, I got good days and bad ones. Strangely enough the bad ones are the safe ones. There is a certain fighting instinct that kicks in, that tells you, that you can do it. You have to do it and tomorrow everything will be better again. And you believe it.
But it is the good days and the better days that frighten me the most. It is in that time that your mind doesn’t react on instinct anymore. It reacts on fear, on desperation, on loss of hope. It sees the bad days you’ve had and it knows you’ll have them again. The vicious circle will rollercoaster you up and down on a route you’ll know by heart. Now, I’m not planning suicide. I’m just saying if it should ever happen to me, it probably won’t happen BECAUSE I did something stupid. It will happen BEFORE I do it AGAIN!
Day 159 - "Swallowing my contemplation"
Wednesday, 2 May 2007
Day 159 / 83 – "Swallowing my contemplation"
This was written a while back and not necessarily an indication of my mood today. More on this to follow tomorrow!
Today is the day! Countless nights I have found myself in this exact position. This pen, this paper, this table are all my companions when I am bored again with this life. They are the witnesses to these thoughts and actions that are only held back my misguided dream of a brighter tomorrow: A future that holds something better.
I am tired of these ideas of reality, popularity, normalness that seems to be so acceptable. Somehow I never seem to fall in any of them. I am a social outcast or perhaps not even that at all. Perhaps only trapped by my social acquaintances or my lack thereof. My life, my health, my paranoia, depression, sexuality and you ask a reason? In the end, really, it’s all a draw to what it could be.
Tonight is the night! The night I face the daemons that have been growing inside of me. I try to fight them but they smell my fear. They saw the end was coming and they are racing to welcome it. They are the ones sitting at the table playing chess with the Reaper. I fight them with the only weapon I have. I kill them the only method I know how – I kill me.
I grab these pills, these deadly pills, these… blurry pills which just a short while ago was so clear to me. As clear as my mission, my future, my destiny that now lies swallowed, blurred. I grab some more. They are all part of the mission now. They lost their individuality when I swallowed them, their friends, their mates, the ones that are just like them - all of them lost. I swallowed them and for this brief moment while they are crawling down my throat they are who I am, they are where I am. I win this battle because they are here, I swallowed them.
Don’t worry I won’t be around to bother you much longer. You won’t have to hate me, dislike me or just accept me. This star acting role to spare my feelings has reached its final scene. The credits are rolling, awards being lined up, the music ending, fat lady singing. No, she screams. She walks out of the movie and in a few minutes she won’t care to remember a thing.
Today is the day! Today is the day I look in the mirror and I see the person I was meant to be. I hold my head high and smile because I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. Today I don’t care about these petty problems, this social exile, and this sole less existence. I am unique. I am me. Today I can face these problems because today they are gone.
Ironically it is today that I realize what no today could ever resolve – tomorrow my problems will all be back again.
Day 157 - "A change is as good."
Monday, 30 April 2007
Day 157 / 81 – "A change is as good…"
Last week saw a change in the blog again. There have been changes every 50 days or so to the blog and this time I’ve gone big (I think). I hope you like it because it’s really growing on me. Hopefully the blog editors will have added widgets or personalized templates before the next 50 days has passed and we can all be more creative.
The theme and look of the blog is not all I’m hoping to change. Some of you, including me, still find the blog a bit too serious, depressing and heroin-based at times. I remind you that this is a blog about ‘My Heroin Recovery’ and those items are ‘part of the package’. Even so, I will be trying to lighten the mood a bit in the hope to also keep a positive attitude in my life.
Last week was a quiet week of blogging for me. As you know, I spend the week with ‘ThisIsMe’, while her ‘better other’ was out of town. As you might have read on her blog – they forgot to pay the internet – so nobody could really blog. That reminds me, I have to pay my internet account today!
Staying with ‘ThisIsMe’ was actually really fun. Besides roosters waking me in the wee hours of the morning, I really enjoyed the experience of sort of being on my own again. I felt like a grown-up again and not like a little baby who had to be watched and whose every move was questioned.
I also hope that the few days showed my parents that I am responsible and trustworthy again. If I wanted to, I could have gone bonkers over the few days I was gone and they wouldn’t have known a thing. Hopefully that will still count for something in the future.
Had work not taken the route it had on Tuesday, I think the week would have been superb. As you know I described Tuesday last week as ‘a disaster’, which was really putting it lightly. I’m left with more stress and complications than I would have liked at this time. The important thing is - I didn’t take heroin. With all the changes in my life – at least that is still saying the same!
Day 153 - Day 156
Thursday, 26 April 2007 - Day 153/77
Friday, 27 April 2007 - Day 154/78
Saturday, 28 April 2007 - Day 155/79
Sunday, 29 April 2007 - Day 156/80
Day 152 - "Changing Faces"
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Day 152 / 76 - "Changing Faces"
In what has become almost tradition every 50 days, the blog has undergone a facelift/change. Hope you like it.
‘My Heroin Recovery’ will return on Monday, 30 April 2007
Day 151 - "No Subject"
Tuesday, 24 April 2007
Day 151 / 75 - "No Subject"
My good mood was unfortunately not in sight today. The day at the office can only be described as a ‘disaster’ with lots of meetings and unpleasant news. My mind feels like a big balloon full of nothing. Because of this, I am not making a blog entry today or tomorrow… I’ll be back on Monday morning!
Day 150 - "5 months"
Monday, 23 April 2007
Day 150 / 74 - "5 months"
Today is Day 150 in My Heroin Recovery. It was 5 months ago I started this blog and this road to recovery and I have never looked back. I wish that every human being caught in the clutches of heroin can have the strength to overcome this – sooner than later!
I told you before one of my friends passed away from heroin. Last week, it was 7 months ago that he passed away. My 5 months in recovery feels like ages. Like I’ve been living 5 years in this time trying to fix everything and slowly get my life back. Contrasting to me, his parents see their 7 months as ‘just the other day their son passed away’.
I wish that his death would have meant more to me at the time it happened. It could have saved me two months and thousands of rands in drug money. But I think that in the end his death did have a role in my heroin recovery – even if it was a bit late!
There are a lot of reasons why I’m still continuing this road. I do it for myself. Personally, I don’t think I can live that life again. Looking back on those days I realize just how meaningless my life was. How every minute of every day was there only so that I could score again. Work became a means to make money to buy heroin. Life became minutes and hours counting down to my next hit of heroin.
I do it for my parents. If I were given another 2 lifetimes I would not be able to repay them for everything they have done for me. I put them through hell at times when I was too high to care what was going on around me. For them, I’ll do it any day.
And to people like my friend that passed away and to his parents. Their son didn’t have a second chance like I did. I got a chance to do it for everybody out there that never made it that far. The least I can do with my chance is use it!
Thank you all for listening to my story. For the support you’ve all given me. To the comments you give me when I need to hear I’ll make it and that things will be okay again. I do this for you, for those of you that read today perhaps with a better understanding towards addiction, for my friends, for my family, for my parents and still above all – I do this for myself!
Day 147 - "Changing Tactics"
Friday, 20 April 2007
Day 147 / 71 - "Changing Tactics"
Next week I’m changing the routine of my life a whole lot. I am strangely excited by the prospects of a week that isn’t a typical week in TB’s life.
I am staying with a friend for three days while her ‘better other’ (as she calls him) is out of town. This means the daily routine I’ve been accustomed to will change considerably from Sunday to Tuesday. Waking up at different times, different place, different people and different way to work. Luckily she is a blogger aswell and they have internet – so at least I can keep you updated! Apparently I have to use my non existent cooking skills to prepare her something the weekend. How long do you microwave ‘two minute noodles” again?
Next week would have been a 4 day work week for me, but I decided to extend my long weekend even longer and take an extra day off on Thursday – just because I can! So, my work week will be 3 days. I would have liked to take off next Monday making my weekend a stupendous 5 days – but regrettably month-end is next Monday and there is no way I can miss that.
For some reason everything decides to go wrong when I take off on a month-end day. And then I spend the one half of the day over the phone and the other half back at the office. I’d rather save myself the trouble and stay at the office!
I decided that next week I’m switching my days and doing things everyday I wouldn’t normally do on that day. Even this weekend, I am thinking of doing something I wouldn’t normally do on a Saturday or Sunday. At this moment I am still clueless as to what that might be, but I’m sure it will make for interesting writing next week.
I’m guessing by the 1st of March I’m going to beg for my old borring routine life back again. Who knows!
Day 146 - "Hindsight"
Thursday, 19 April 2007
Day 146 / 70 - "Hindsight"
I did a post a while back, probably in the first 50 days, about how foolish I was to start taking heroin. And it sounds like a dumb statement, because any person that tries it, is pretty foolish. But I was foolish because around me I had so many signs warning me of how dangerous it was.
My friend was a heroin addict at the time. The kind that was living for one thing and one thing alone – his daily fix. I didn’t get to see him a lot of the time, because he felt too bad to do anything. A feeling I would myself perfect in the months to follow. I saw him everyday at the mercy of a drug dealer’s little baggy of powder. To think that small amount of anything can bring a person to his knees. I wouldn’t completely understand it then – not as I do now.
I got a book from him, a book which he read before. He even met the author, Steve Hamilton. The book is called ‘I want my life back’. Which is a true story (to the best of his recollection) of his life as a drug addict and more specifically a heroin addict. Reading it sent chills down my spine. His life was so real to me, because I was living it through my friend.
I read the book from start to finish. It was the only book on Heroin Addiction I read before I started to inject heroin. I was already occasionally smoking it at that time. And still after all I saw everyday and all I read about the dangers of it – I still fell into its trap.
I know my stories have helped a few people and I thank those that let me know exactly how it impacted their lives. I guess there are people out there that will read this and know it will never happen to them. They know the dangers and they stay away from it. But there will be the few that will say, maybe I can try it once, I just want to see what it feels like, I just want to see what the fuss is about. Somebody like I was!
“One is too many, a thousand is never enough!”
Day 145 - "Message in a bottle"
Wednesday, 18 April 2007
Day 145 / 69 - "Message in a bottle"
My good mood still continues. I find it almost like a ball rolling down a snowy mountain. The more turns it makes the larger it gets. My good mood seems to multiply and it wants to expand till I want to explode. One bubbly burst of breezy fun. This is how I remember myself. I finally found myself again and the mere fact that I know this – improves it even more.
I thought last night how I would definitely recommend blogging as a recovery tool in addicts. It is a shame that not all people like to read or write. But I guess that’s why they have people to talk to in Rehab as well. I figure it’s like putting a message in a bottle and let it drift out to the sea. You put your emotions out there and the knowledge that you shared it makes you feel so much better.
I don’t think there is a better way to put it out there, than writing about it. And the thing about a daily blog is, it’s not the summarized version of your recovery. It doesn’t have all the juicy details that sell award winning books. It is the daily ups and downs and sometimes it’s just like a soap that doesn’t quite get to the climax of the story. So, perhaps I might still turn the whole story into a book. Of course, it would be a story of recovery and I’m still pretty much in the middle of it.
This coming Monday I will be on Day 150, which is technically 5 months in recovery. And I think I can honestly say these have been the longest 5 months of my life. I really hope in this 5 months there has been at least one day every person has read this, where they realized the destruction of heroin, the control it gets over your life and the grip it has on it forever.
My bottles of messages are drifting in this ocean and people are getting them. With each one heroin’s grip on my life is loosened. With each one another life spared from the same fate. That’s reason for a good mood!
Day 144 - "Getting up"
Tuesday, 17 April 2007
Day 144 / 68 - "Getting up"
This weekend I thought that after a day at the office things might turn out different. That maybe the optimism I felt this weekend was short lived and that I would return to my depro, negative self as soon as the week started. I am extremely pleased to announce – that was not the case!
I said what I had to say yesterday and I’m hoping that even in my blogging the excellent mood I am in is clearly visible. I want to stand on top of the world and shout ‘Hooha…’ or something less Al Pacino.
I finally went to Mugg and Bean on Friday night after weeks of delays. I love the place. Once again I find myself totally mesmerized with restaurants, new places and people. One of my favourite things to do is stand in Menlyn mall and look at all the different people around me. You get the strangest characters sometimes. I love that about Gauteng. In Polokwane everything is weird. The slightest deviation from the normal and people check you out like you have the plague.
And of course Polokwane is small enough so that word gets around. People I haven’t seen or spoken to in years suddenly know I’m a heroin addict. People start to say ‘Did you hear?’ when my name is mentioned. Did you hear he is a heroin addict? Did you here how bad he looks? Did you hear he took again? Did you hear? Did you hear? Did you hear?
And where most will probably not take the time to find out how it is actually going, the most important one of them all will never forget! They say that failing is not in the falling down, but in the staying down. If that is so, then I have one thing to say: “Did you hear? I have fallen but I have gotten up!”
Day 143 - "Half full or half empty"
Monday, 16 April 2007
Day 143 / 67 - "Half full or half empty"
“Is the glass half full or half empty?”
I always figured myself as a ‘half full’ kinda guy. Somehow no matter what life threw my way I found the silver lining. I believed there is good in everybody and everybody should be given a chance – a slightly gullable quality I later realized. And the person I was 2 years ago, even though not pleased with the circumstances and lack of meaningful activities the city provided, would have found the silver lining in every situation.
The person I was 2 years ago would have written the blog on Friday and my defining optimism would have been engraved in every line. The truth is I am not that person any more. And for a long time I didn’t think I would ever be that person again. And by ‘that person’ I don’t mean clean from heroin, we are way passed that. I mean, happy, content, alive, in love, wacky, crazy, funky… all those things that used to be me. All those things that on the worst of days you could still find somewhere inside of me.
The worst thing in the world is knowing who you are inside and out, but you can’t seem to be that person again. You always feel like you’re standing on the wrong side of a glass wall. You can see who you are, you can almost touch him, that’s how close you are – but something is still keeping you.
For the first time in ages, I am sitting here and I don’t really know where to start or where to end. I found something over the weekend. Something which I had all along, but it was staring me in the face from the other side of a glass wall. And if I knew what it was that brought it back to me, I would bottle it up and sell it to the world, because every one deserves the chance to find themselves again.
You see, I used heroin for a very long time before I got to the day where I decided to try and stop. It didn’t come soon and it didn’t come easy – but I believe it came at the time it was meant to be. For more than 7 months after that I tried every single day to stop – and every single day I failed. And one day, 143 days ago, I woke up and said “this is the day”. It didn’t come easy and it didn’t come soon, but it came – at exactly the time it was meant to be.
This weekend I woke up and that huge weight on my shoulders disappeared. And no, it is not heroin or cravings or depression. I know those won’t just magically disappear over night. It’s that pessimism that have been running through my vains as heroin used to do. It is that feeling that you’ve reached your peak and it is all downhill from hereon. Its that thing keeping you down when everything else in your life says you are doing good, you are doing better! It’s gone!
It is a difficult thing to explain to somebody that hasn’t been involved with heroin, but perhaps there are still many that relate. For something to have a hold on you, even when its long gone. You feel it’s grip every single day, no matter how well it might be going with you. And then one day, at exactly the time it was meant to be, you find it has loosened it’s grip on your life. Your glass is finally half full again!
Day 140 - "Mundane"
Friday, 13 April 2007
Day 140 / 64 - "Mundane"
Planning to go out consists of a serious of questions I ask in my head long before I even consider asking my parents. Anything that will warrant an explanation is normally skipped, as I’m really tired of fighting, explaining or rationalizing my actions. Activities done with certain of my friends is normally okay, but should I wish to go out alone or with somebody they don’t know it usually creates issues again.
If I actually do go out, I have to be picked up or borrow my mom’s car. After the accident earlier the year, they think I’ve lost the ability to drive, and always fear I’m now suddenly going to have an accident every time I go out. If I’m 5 minutes late – I have to hear, how they were worried something happened to the car. The car!
So, I stay at home. No issues, no worries. In the best of times in Polokwane, before the whole addiction I found myself bored out of my mind. I just wanted to break away to Pretoria or Jo-burg, hell even a trip to Tzaneen was a change from this place. In the words of Casper De Vries, think Zimbabwe divided by 3, and then you’ll have some vague idea of Polokwane.
I miss going out and just being somewhere, I miss meeting new people, and I miss a life that isn’t just a bunch of replicated behaviors. It is like I keep to this tight schedule of activities that barely keeps me sane, weekdays, weekends, public holidays – everything has become this mundane task. Am I falling out of the buss here or is this what other people experience as well?
Don’t get me wrong. It is not boredom. I have enough to do at home. I can keep myself busy for weeks with whatever I have around me. And in that lies my problem – “the around me”, my surroundings, the few walls I’m able to be! It is Friday and perhaps the reason again for feeling to strong about this today. Yet another Friday, yet another weekend, yet another set of tasks with only minor deviation!
Day 139 - "9 Lives"
Thursday, 12 April 2007
Day 139 / 63 - "9 Lives"
Over my child and adult hood I have had one pet. We’ve had a lot of dogs and as much as they were part of the family and we loved them, my cat was MY PET. She is a bright white wild Persian cat that we got while we stayed in Phalaborwa. For many years in her life I was her owner and she hardly let anybody else touch her, stroke her or get near her.
I liked that quality about her. Like we belonged to each other and nobody else. Nobody would ever take her away from me and nobody would ever take me away from her. She is now more than 16 years old and although slightly slower than she was in her earlier years there is nothing wrong with her. She sleeps, like most cats do a lot of the time and still loves to come and sit next to me doesn’t matter what I do. If I’m typing on the keyboard, if I’m writing at the table, reading on the bed, lying and watching television – she always comes and lies right smack on top of me or on top of the stuff I’m busy with.
She was sick for a while. She could hardly walk or eat properly and I feared the worst. This happened round about the time I was just 2 weeks clean. I didn’t even want to think of losing her, especially then… I don’t know what would have happened if I did lose her. I was afterall still very much an addict – ready to dull any emotion with heroin
Lately she hasn’t been well and we took her to the Vet today. She was last at the vet 2 years ago with roughly the same problem. Because she is a white cat she gets cancer quite easily. Her ear really looks bad because of it and she has cancer in her nose as well. She is staying overnight and they will be cutting a piece of her ear and try and relieve the blockage in her nose.
Having to face this sickness, possible death or even death – it’s not something one want to think about, but that doesn’t make it go away. At the best of times I find myself with that slight longing or craving towards the thing that made it all better – heroin. I have to say that the thought of losing somebody close to me is just the worst thing I can imagine to happen. I fear the emotions, the sorrow, the pain – but most of all I fear what I’ll do to get rid of it!
Day 138 - "Cravings"
Wednesday, 11 April 2007
Day 138 / 62 - "Cravings"
I don’t really get cravings any more – at least not like I did in the beginning. The dreams, the nightmares, the thoughts of taking, that longing for heroin – all of it is pretty much gone. On occasion I get a day where it hits me. It doesn’t have to be when I’m walking past a place or see people that I used to connect to heroin. Sometimes it happens in the most unlikely of places.
It happens and this overwhelming part of me… wants it, needs it, and longs for it again. I wish I knew where that part of me was, what it was that triggers it. I just know that the slightest gap I give myself on those days I will fall.
The scary thing is that there is nothing anybody can ever do to prevent it. No matter who I have around me, how much they check up on me – it all comes down to me. Nobody can watch me 24/7, I don’t except them to. It can happen at any time, at any moment and it can all happen in my head. A choice between two little words: Yes or No!
What I have learned from my repetitious behavior over the long period I have used heroin is that after you’ve made that choice – there is no turning back. Once you’ve answered yes, you will lie and betray and steal to get heroin. Just one choice, one little unspoken word and you’re back at Square 1.
I try and remember that I started this Recovery broken, hurt, depressed – weak. And as each day passed that I said No once again I grew stronger and stronger. I get days where those two words squeals in my head and I am so thankful that I still find it somewhere inside of me to say “No”. As you all know, on occasion I made the wrong choice and even then in those darker days I am eternally grateful that the mistake stopped at once.
I guess I cheer myself up with the thought that I’ve made amazing progress – even if I say so myself. Progress, perhaps further than most have managed at this point in their Recovery. Temptation lies around us all at times when we least expect it. But our true strength lies in the ability to say “No”, even those times when everything else says “Yes!”
Day 137 - "Bargaining with the Devil (remembering)"
Tuesday, 10 April 2007
Day 137 / 61 - "Bargaining with the Devil (remembering)"
Originally posted on 16 January 2007, here is “Bargaining with the Devil”…
I hurt myself with a knife today.
Deeper marks different from the way I would normally play.
Marks to prove I was still alive, I could still feel the pain,
which after all of this bleeding I still contain.
I am dangerously close to stepping over this line.
This line of things and of people that I would normally decline.
Things I would never even dare to discover,
lying in my reach… in undecided hover.
I remember the feeling. I remember the time
when doing these things were a much bigger crime.
Perhaps not by law but by moral degree
were those substances we now too often see.
Dulled by habit and expensive addiction.
Fuelled by issues and dayly friction.
Kept alive through instigation.
Drugged to forget our obligation.
Organs damaged beyond restoration
to dance and dance till dehydration.
Calling the devil for my assasination.
Today it is me the devil is greeting.
After countless years of avoiding this meeting.
It is fate that has brought me here to accomplish my goal.
I am here to sell my soul!
To try the things of which I”ve always pondered
and to get the answers of which I’ve always wondered.
I am being chased by the dragon across the line
shaking hands with the devil for one last time.
There is no turning back from this poison I spray
While I hurt myself with a knife today!
Day 136 - "Where are you now? (remembering)"
Monday, 9 April 2007
Day 136 / 60 - "Where are you now? (remembering)"
Originally posted on 26 February 2007. This is to my friend… before any of us were addicted!
Where are you now, my friend?
Why don’t you see me sitting here crying? Would your new friend even allow you to care? Look at me! Look at me! Please… I need to make you understand!
Where are you now my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me. Their green eyes remind me so much of you. They are hazed eyes, clouded eyes staring back at me. Hazed, yet not confused at all. The world seems so clear to him and so confusing to me in an apparent balancing effect. He has the flawed perspective of a perfect world and the theoretical equation to achieve it. Today he has all the answers and yet he has lost everything.
What are you feeling now, my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me. His experiences lies new to me now, to me forever. I feel closer to him now than anybody ever before, but nobody has ever been more of a stranger than he is to me now.
What are you hearing now, my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me, listening. But he can’t hear my pleads. He is listening to the calling of something much louder and stronger than I can ever be. Shall I try harder, shall I scream on the top of my lungs or shall I prepare myself for the inevitable “I told you so!”
Will I ever see you again or will this stranger be my new company? Will we ever be friends again or have you replaced me with hurriedly hurting heroin.
Where are you now, my friend?
P.S) Back on Wednesday
Day 135 - "Happy Birthday"
Sunday, 8 April 2007
Day 135 / 59 (59) - "Happy Birthday"
Well, it is Sunday and I’m quickly popping in to say Happy Birthday to my Dad, who turns 50 today. I think that before this whole heroin thing he probably looked a lot less like a 50 year old man and my actions no doubt aged both my parents by quite a number of years in the past few months.
They prove everyday just how lucky I am to have them as parents. I can not ask for anybody better. And while I write this, they are out of town and will only return tomorrow (Monday) showing once again the trust and faith they have in me.
Enjoy the last day of your long weekend tomorrow!
P.S) Back on Wednesday
