Kirsten Squared (Friday, 24 August 2007)
Day 273 – “Violently Serene”
A piece of fiction, amongst daily reality. Or a part of reality that too many see as fiction. Written by Christiaan/TristanB...
She remembers that grisly day all too well. The smell of his sawdusted clothes entering the house. The trail of his muddy shoes which scratched a footpath to the room, her room, always her room! She used to close her eyes when he opened the door. Her deceiving mind told her that she heard the slightly muffled cry of thunder each time, but deep down inside she knew it was him. It was his smile, his intense glaring, his hands… oh, how she hated those hands!
"No, please. Not again!" she always seemed to whisper.
A whisper so soft even if her paralyzed hands could move it would not hear her cries for help. Her diminished voice could manage only a few sounds after its screaming all those years. He moved to the window and pulled on her rosy curtains almost ripping them to the ground.
"I told you to leave them closed. You hear me! Leave them closed!" he screamed. He always wanted them closed. She used to think that it was just so that he could come into the room at any time, but she never really understood it. She didn’t understand any of it.
She knew how to read him a like a book. She could tell how much sugar he had in his coffee that morning just by the way he opened the door. He loved sugar, a lot of it. He loved it almost more than he loved drinking. She wished he loved it more. Too much sugar made him grumpy – he never did this after sugar. His hands were never sweaty after sugar. He never touched her, after sugar!!!
"P… Please… don’t!" she said again. This time echoing through the whole house. She knew he was going to do it even before he knew – ‘cause she knew him too well. But knowing him wouldn’t help stop it. He lifted up his right hand slapping her, making her 11-year-old head twist in an unnatural position.
"Don’t you ever scream at me again. You hear me!" She didn’t say a thing. It pained too much to talk; it pained too much to move. So she just lay there, lay there like she did before… to tired to move… to afraid to speak!
His hand started moving down her petite breasts. "I can’t wait" he always grinned at her. "I can’t wait ‘till your older, your gonna be a fine woman!" Her mind screamed, screamed so loud it wanted to burst, but not a sound came from her frightened mouth. No. Please daddy no. Not again. No…
Day 273 – “Violently Serene”
Day 264 – “Now you see me, now you don't”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 15 August 2007)
Day 264 – “Now you see me, now you don't”
As I mentioned on Thursday’s blog I stopped to quickly say hi to my Ex. I’ve been promising to visit him for ages and when the opportunity came along I just couldn’t let it pass. Of course, the very same night I informed my partner that I was there. I don’t think I did anything wrong – but I didn’t want this little fact to come and bite me on the ass in the future.
Things between us were a bit rocky the past few days. Everything in my life was thrown a bit upside down with the working here and out of town. We barely get to see each other and because of the busy schedule we barely had time to communicate over the phone aswell. Funny thing is, if he had internet at home we’d probably see a lot more of each other on facebook!
One thing that still comes up on a regular basis is the distance between us and amount of time we get to see each other. These are probably the biggest obstacles we are facing at the moment. Even thought the distance isn’t really that far apart, we can only see each other on weekends and even then it is only for a limited time. So, I can imagine anybody can relate to the frustration that can cause in a relationship.
But as with any other problem in a relationship we are learning to deal with it. One thing I know for sure is, that either one or both of us will not be happy with the ‘arrangement’ as it is at the moment for too long and at some point it will have to change. And that day will make for a really interesting blog!
Day 262 – “Thinking the worst”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 13 August 2007)
Day 262 – “Thinking the worst”
His reaction to the news was somewhat surprising. I gathered from those few moments that he still cared about me… well, I still cared about him, but too much happened back then and since then for it to ever work again.
When I told him about my Heroin Addiction he was shocked. I am not really the ideal poster boy for heroin addiction but then again, who really is. A lot of feelings were thrown around: disappointment towards me, anger towards the other people involved and after all that, still support towards a friend he hasn’t seen in over 2 years.
I keep thinking that people will think the worst of me when they find out I was a heroin addict. Let’s face it, it is not really on the list of morally righteous acts to tick off before one dies.
The blogs and the blog entries from the beginning have really placed me in a public light (if I could put it that way). My friends and family, regardless of who or where they are, get the sometimes unpleasant details without ever speaking to me or seeing me. To some, the images created gives them nightmares and instigates prayers that I will recover from this safely.
Facebook, I guess is much worse, because even though blogging is public, it is still something that people have to either learn or happen upon. On facebook, you only need my name and my whole life is laid out there as an advertisement for anybody to see. The blogging section, though, is only visible to my added friends.
Regardless of who reads the blog and where, I have decided to continue with it as always. The rules have changed a bit, but in the end you will still get the honest recovery of a heroin addict – despite that of what anybody might think!
Day 258 – “Rest of story on this page…”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 9 August 2007)
Day 258 – “Rest of story on this page…”
He picked up the phone and I could hear in his voice he was glad to hear from me. I told him he had 0.23 guesses where I was at the moment. He couldn’t believe when I told him I was in his town - and he insisted we quickly meet. So, I took a 5 minute detour to quickly said hi.
Seeing him was really great. It brought back so much memories of the time we first met and how nice that was. Of course, the relationship ended really badly and for months after that we didn’t speak. At least now, we are good friends again – not many people can say that about their ex’s.
I recently posted a blog entry on how certain people in my life didn’t know about my heroin addiction or recovery. He was one of them. I just could never get the courage together to tell him something like this over the phone. One night a few weeks back a similar subject came up and I decided to just go ahead and tell him, even if it was going to be over the phone…
*** Continues...
Day 257 – “Rest of story on next page…”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 8 August 2007)
Day 257 – “Rest of story on next page…”
I was informed on Monday that I had to be in Pretoria for training the following morning at 6 o’clock. This meant I had to wake up at 1 o’clock to make it in time for training. That is not really my idea of a good night sleep, so I drove through on Monday, slept over and just drove to the office on Tuesday morning.
Training on Tuesday was really interesting. It was a basic course at Duxbury and the instructor was brilliant. I’m not sure if he gives other courses as well, but he really knew how to get his message across and definitely knew enough on the subject he was giving. I would definitely recommend Duxbury for training.
I stayed over at a very nice guest house in Centurion. It is just around the corner form some mall in Botha street, I think. I was really amazed at how a place located in the middle of the city could still have such a relaxing out of town feel to it. Perhaps I’m sounding like a newspaper advertisement today – but even this guest house I would really recommend… just can’t remember the name at the moment.
I woke up bright and early the morning to drive through to a site in the Witbank direction for work. I was on the N4 Highway for the very first time. It is really a different side to Pretoria and the Highways and the tollgates to which I am used to. On my way to the site I passed the home town of my ex. I decided to take a chance, phone him and see if he is available…
*** Continues...
Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)"
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 3 August 2007)
Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)”
Ek staan op die oomblik in die gang en wag vir ma. Ek wag om ma se aansteeklike glimlag te sien, ma se hande om my lyf te voel en vir my te vertel dat alles reg gaan wees - dat ma daar sal wees vir my. Ek skryf hierdie brief met die hoop dat ma dit sal lees en dat ek nie vir die soveelste keer hoef om te draai en in trane na my slaapkamer toe moet hardloop nie.
Ek staan in die middel van my kamer, ma. Die honderde prente van een of ander kaal manlike bolyf staar my in die gesig en hier en daar maak 'n prent van kastige seks godinne soos Madonna, Pamela en Marilyn hulle verskyning. Vergeef my asseblief, ma. Ek probeer myself indink wat die dag gaan gebeur as ma moet uitvind. Wat gaan ek sê? Wat gaan ma die res van ma se lewe lank vir my voel? My vriende sê, hulle het dit vermoed, ma! Hulle sê hulle weet al lankal. Weet ma al lankal dat ek gay is?
Ek wens ek kon sê dit was 'n fase, ma, maar ek voel dit al my hele lewe lank. En nou waar ek op die ingang van my grootmens lewe staan wil ek nie meer elke dag 'n leuen lewe nie. Ek hoop dat ma hierdie brief lees. Ek hoop dat hoe meer en meer woorde ma lees, ma sal weet dat ek van ons twee praat. Ek hoop dat die trane en hartseer wat ma gaan voel nie lank sal hou nie en dat ons eendag weer mekaar se beste vriende kan wees... tot dan sal ek in die gang staan en wag vir ma!
** Translation to English available soon!
Day 251 – “Repercussions”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 2 August 2007)
Day 251 – “Repercussions”
My ‘Significant Other’ and I were talking about My Heroin Recovery this past weekend. I told him about my heroin addiction before we even met face to face and he was supportive and caring from that day without any hesitation. He asked me a question, a question I’ve been asked many times before – “If I get offered heroin right now; If somebody holds out their hand and open it to reveal heroin – would I take it?”
I heard a story one day from a friend of mine, it was still very early in my recovery. She told of one of her close family members who had been clean for a year and she got offered heroin one night by a friend. Of course, she couldn’t say “No” and destroyed a year of progress.
The sad thing is, that it wasn’t that she wasn’t strong or determined to get her life back or stay on the right track. It was just heroin still having that tight grip on her life. It’s not an easy fight and it definitely isn’t simple. If it was just a choice between “yes” and “no” it wouldn’t only have a 2% survival rate. Heroin has a hold on your life that most can never understand. Most can never even imagine.
So, perhaps it is not the answer I would have liked to give. And predictably it is not the answer you would want to hear. But it is the truth – I don’t know what I would do if I got offered heroin. I stay away from the people and the places that tempt me towards heroin in the hope that I won’t have to make the choice, because as much as I don’t like the answer to the question – I definitely don’t like the repercussions of it either.
Day 250 – “Result Great”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 1 August 2007)
Day 250 – “Result Great”
Today (Wednesday) is Day 250 in My Heroin Recovery. Somebody asked me yesterday how things are going in my life. I wouldn’t even know where to start…
I started a new job a month ago. The job has its challenges and I’m learning new stuff every day. Sometimes I should have gotten acquainted with these things years before; sometimes it is something that most people will never get to experience. But one thing is for sure - no two days seem to be the same and it really keeps me on my toes.
Overall it is very healthy because I’m getting more exercise, definitely seeing more sun and experiencing different areas in this and adjacent provinces. These points are already good reason to justify the job change, and even though money isn’t a big factor for me when choosing a career – I am receiving more money as well.
The love life came unexpectedly one day when I wasn’t really looking for it. Even this dry part of my life took an interesting turn as I got involved with somebody I normally wouldn’t have liked. Or perhaps not exactly ‘not liked’, but more that our paths never would have crossed because of our different interests, cities and social relationships.
We live about a 100km apart and only get to MXIt during the week and visit each other of weekends. I’ve met his family and he has met mine and everybody is getting along like they’ve known each other for years. The relationship is still new and I think both of us need to adapt again to being part of a group and not make single decisions anymore.
With work keeping me so busy I am getting less and less time to do the normal stuff that used to make part of my day. I am still blogging whenever I can and checking in on facebook on ‘n regular basis. In between I also try and make time to visit my friends. My two best friends got engaged a few weeks back. I’ve been promising them a decent blog post dedicated just to them – so you’ll get all the juicy details soon enough.
Seems that no matter what area of my life you may ask the question, the answer is unanimously obvious: It’s going great!
Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 31 July 2007)
Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”
Perhaps one of the most popular questions you get asked is when you first knew you were gay. To me, the question brings the memory of that holiday. Not because I suddenly turned gay as I stared into the eyes of another man, not because something happened in my life that exposed me to that world, but because for the first time what I was my whole life, what I was for as long as I could remember, made sense to me.
It took several years for me to finally come to terms with what I learned about myself that holiday. I finally came out of the closet a few years later to the amazement of some people and no surprise by others. In much the same way some have been accepting and others narrow mindedly cold towards me.
When I started this blog it was to deal with an issue greater than anything I every experienced in my life before. Sexual preference not only seemed insignificant at the time, but way off the subject of the topical heroin blog. So a conscious decision to leave it out of the blog was made from the start.
Over the months there were times that I vaguely discussed certain issues pertaining to my love life but I knew that I couldn’t really talk about it as TristanB at the time. Any reference to love could usually not be gender specific. So I started another blog which sometimes covered the issues that TristanB just couldn’t.
I started blogging as Conrad Daly, with occasional stories to tell, but never really award winning stuff. The blog was more a medium to get creative with stuff like ‘Hottie of the Day’, ‘Mr. World Experiment’, ‘Stranded’, ‘Hottest Men Alive’ and ‘Villiage People Directory’.
Conrad’s Blog ended on Monday night and any future stories I have to tell about that part of my life will be posted here. I can only hope that they will be greeted with the same loving arms that helped me through heroin recovery!
Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 30 July 2007)
Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”
There are a few defining moments in my life. I remember my vacation in the Cape Province with my family when I was younger. I remember being so happy because I was young and perhaps a bit naïve. I hadn’t been hurt by people, by feelings, by love. I hadn’t been abused by money. I probably never even heard of drugs.
The sea was cold, impossible to swim in, but we had our feet in the water fighting the cold because the sea wasn’t something we got to see every day anymore. Seeing a movie on the big screen was almost unique to me so the IMAX theatre was an out of a world experience – which was appropriate seeing as we watched ‘Blue Planet’ at the time. We took a boat ride on the open side past ‘Seal Island’, a journey up to misty Table mountain and checked the marine life at the “Two Ocean’s Aquarium”. I remember all of it!
I remember walking down a street in one of the places we visited. As I crossed the street I looked up and found this beautiful face in front of me. Our eyes met for brief seconds but it felt like an eternity that we stayed locked onto each other. In what perhaps was a hidden instinct to be at the time, I smiled… we both smiled.
I wasn’t in love – love would be something I only experienced much later in my life. I was vulnerable - this wall I had inadvertently build around me collapsed and for the first time I saw its bricks scattered around me. I was excited – this rush of emotions charged over me and for the first time in my life everything fit into place.
It was on that holiday that a lot of things in my life made sense for the first time. For the first time there was a word for something I had been all my life but now I knew what it was - I was gay!
Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 29 July 2007)
Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”
The count down has begun. On Wednesday, 1 August it will have been 250 days since I started My Heroin Recovery.
The next few days I will be blogging daily again, and I’m actually looking forward to sharing my thoughts and views with you on a regular basis. What lies ahead is revealing something you may or may not have known about me, a blog you may or may not have known I created and of course a few format changes that has become tradition every 50 days.
I have a renewed excitement towards blogging realizing that there are still loads to tell and share. And with the changes lying ahead I hope you’ll find it to be even more honest than you’ve come to know it up to now.
See you all tomorrow again!
Day 241 – “Total-e-forgotten”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 23 July 2007)
Day 241 – “Total-e-forgotten”
Last week was a really quiet week. I spend most of the time in the office working on a presentation and hardly any time on the road. Today started off with a bang and we were on the road for most of the day and tomorrow sounds like an even busier and physical day.
I was reminded today why I never pull into a Total filling station to fill up. I normally drive until I find a BP or an Engen, even a Shell will do – but I always seem to avoid a Total garage.
We drove to a few small downs in the province. On our way back we notice the petrol tank is hovering on empty. We stop at the first Total garage, which doesn’t take Petrol Cards. We drive around the corner to the second garage – also a Total. A man comes walking out after contemplating for 5 minutes whether he should approach us or not. He comes to the window and leans in staring at us. Eventually we figure out he is the petrol attendant, and he informs us that they don’t have unleaded petrol.
We drive quite a while again, praying that this won’t be the day we walk between the goats and cattle looking for petrol and find another petrol station a few kilometers on. Of course, this is also a Total Garage. This time we are approached by a man in uniform and ask him if he accepts cards. He confirms that they do – but also has no unleaded petrol.
Finally, after a 20 km detour from our route, we reach another station. This time it is a Shell Station, and even though we were helped, paid by card and got unleaded petrol – we met a few of the most unhappiest petrol attendants in the world. I think people in prison have a more optimistic walk as they go about their day.
As we drove away back to Polokwane, I wondered if anybody still remembered there were filling stations up north and when they realize they build something there one upon a time, could they please send them some unleaded petrol!!!
Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 22 July 2007)
Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”
My name is Christiaan and this is Day 240 in My Heroin Recovery.
It is 8 months ago that I started this road to recovery. Perhaps not exactly 8 clean months, but I have noticed in the grand scheme of things that it is really not so relevant. What is important is that I decided to change my life 8 months ago. If I didn’t make that decision that day – there would be no recovery to write about today.
I’ve been thinking the past week what I should do concerning my blogging on 24.com. After much consideration I have decided to stay for the time being. I tried out quite a few South African Blogging communities when I started my blog and out of all of them I liked 24.com the most. The people here are noticeably different and I could never imagine saying goodbye to all of them. Perhaps I sound like a bit of a hypocrite having won a place in the BlogOff competition more than once – but I truly hope they will stop the competition. Perhaps then we’ll get more people that actually say things again – it is after all why we are here.
There are still a few “secrets” that haven’t made it to the blog yet, some more consciously than others and I have decided to reveal some of it over the next few days. My other blogs which you may or may not know about on 24.com will also all be moving to this one, as well as my other home on blogspot.
With the changes and some perhaps not so well kept secrets being revealed I hope that everybody that find something useful in my blog will continue to visit it. Not sure if the look will change, not sure what the future will bring to write about – but it will still be about Christiaan and His Heroin Recovery!
Day 238 – “Ashes to Ashes”
Friday, 20 July 2007
Day 238 – “Ashes to Ashes”
It is the most awful sound I’ve ever heard. Every shovel full of dirt landing on the coffin made it more and more real to me. He wasn’t going to stand up. I wouldn’t be bumping into him in town. His father, his brother, his daughter, his wife – they would never see him again.
I went to a funeral today, my third funeral in just over a year. This was the first time I went to an open grave and I found myself much more emotional than I thought I would be. We weren’t best of friends but we were close enough. He seemed to touch so many people wherever he went always making lasting relationships and friendships. You could see that by the amount of people that attended his funeral.
He was only a few months older than I was and obviously still had his whole life ahead of him. A car accident the weekend claimed his life including that of 6 other people. If you think to yourself that there is a person in this world that least deserves this tragic fate – then it is probably him.
The two previous funerals I was at, I was still using heroin, so the impact of what was happening didn’t really hit me at that time. One tend to realize only at events like these how short life is and the time we have on earth is uncertain to everyone. And more importantly you have to ask yourself if the way you are living is that of a person that touched lives and will be remembered.
Rest in peace my friend, you will be remembered and dearly missed!
Day 236 – “Click, click…”
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Day 236 – “Click, click…”
Polokwane has been zooming the past few days with news of a boy and girl that had sex outside one of the clubs we have here. Of course, it was filmed by onlookers and one of the videos was so clear they could make out the identity of the kids. I just saw one of the videos taken and to my surprise it wasn’t in a car as I originally thought. These very drunk or very horny teenagers decided to do it hardly hidden away in a spot close to the entrance of the club. Must say I’ve never had that good of a night out at the club!
I’m still in Polokwane at the moment and unsure as to when I’ll go to Pretoria for training. Meanwhile I’m getting hands on training with the various jobs that need to be completed this side. I am still very happy with the job. It has already thrown me a few curve balls and not one single day has been the same. The worst stress and discomfort from the changes has passed.
I am really sad to hear so many people are leaving the blogging world. Quite a few are saying goodbye completely while a few others have moved to another home. I have to admit that 24.com’s blogs now, compared to the beginning of the year has changed tremendously and regrettably not for the better. Luckily there are still quite a few left that I love to read about and that visit my blog.
I find it so strange to write about the past at the moment. Telling stories of what heroin did to me is so unreal because it feels like a lifetime ago that they happened. Of course, I do still tell them because it reminds me where I came from and warns me never to go back to it again.
As long as there is a recovery to write about, I will write about it. And then maybe one day I’ll get to writing the book everybody says I must write. I have almost 35,000 views in just under 8 months across the servers I blogged on, but I guess it shouldn’t be about how many people read it - It should be more about how many it helps in the end!
Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”
Monday, 16 July 2007
Day 234 – “Rumor has it!”
I remember thinking to myself how it couldn’t be that bad! It is funny really, when I think about it now: For some reason I thought millions of heroin addicts around the world were just not trying hard enough! A lot of things made me take that first day and for the life of me I cannot remember most of them – but I do know I wasn’t scared of it. I really believed heroin would never get control over me.
I think it is probably the easiest the first time you try to quit because you mistakenly believe that in a few hours it will all be over and that you’ll go on with your life as if nothing happened. You go through the first few hours of pain hoping it will all be over soon, but it only gets worse and worse as the days progress.
When I finally passed a few days of not taking heroin I realized that the fight was only starting. The physical pain, although still there, was much better. The other withdrawal symptoms however were only starting. The rebuilding of a life and relationships, which took no time to destroy, was only now about to start.
Some say I had the strength and the determination to get through those days and months leading up to today. Some say it is because I made the choices that others still need to make. Generally most believe I wouldn’t have done it without my family and friends supporting me. Maybe they are all right; maybe I was just a lucky one.
There are a people that weren’t as lucky. I have known a few heroin addicts over the time I took heroin. Some I have lost contact with completely and I don’t know if they made it or not. Some have lost their lives much too early. Others are literally on borrowed time and still they can’t seem to stop. I’ve heard rumors from more than one person over the past few days that one of these people, who I believe is still taking heroin, is not doing very well. In fact, according to the rumors not good at all.
We were good friends at a stage, but heroin did, as it does with everything else in one’s life, destroy that friendship. We can never be friends again, not while he uses and regrettably not even if he stops. I just wish today that he would stop, and if he has stopped that he will continue to stay clean – before his time runs out and he becomes a statistic.
Day 230 – “Facebook”
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Day 230 – “Facebook”
I created a facebook profile a while back but only recently started searching for friends. I was contacted by a high school friend in connection with our 10 year reunion next year and I decided to look up some of my high school friends and people I met since then. I was totally amazed at how many I was able to find and since then have started up long lost friendships.
I think it is one of the coolest sites around these days. Not only does it allow you to look up old friends and acquaintances but has all kinds of extra applications you can run to enhance your profile. It even combines facebook with flixster, also one of my favourite sites.
We started a ’24.com blogging group’ on Facebook for those of you that already have profiles there and would like to join. Of course, you lose your anonymity should you wish to join because your identity will be known. It is an open group so anybody is welcome. And if you don’t have a profile yet, I suggest you try it out. You are definitely missing out on something great!
Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Day 229 – “Unimaginable Scenario”
My favorite part about coming home to Polokwane at night is the lights. It is a sea of lights in the distance that makes you realize just how big this little struggling city is. You might even forget all its short comings for a brief moment. It still has a long way to go before we’ll compare it to Midrand’s flashy lights, but definitely progressing in the direction. You might ask yourself why I’m talking about Polokwane’s lights if I’m in Pretoria. That is the question indeed!
I went to Pretoria on Monday for two weeks of training. Monday alone I did things I’ve never done before and I realize again just how different this job is from what I’m used to. In my two days in Pretoria I met 4 people from Polokwane, 3 of whom where there on training at other companies – small world hey. I got stuck in a mother of a traffic jam on the R21 on Monday afternoon and I got lost somewhere in the Krugersdorp direction on Tuesday. You just have to love Gauteng!
Half way through Monday the Directors inform me that I have to go back to Polokwane because there is too much work to be completed and I need to help. So, my training was postponed until later this month.
Of course during this week the people close to me have been a bit worried because I look so exhausted. My job is a lot more demanding physically and has a lot more driving – and I’m just not used to it all yet. I understand their concern, though. All these changes could prove too much for me and I could resort back to heroin to break away from it all. I’m aware of the danger but have to admit the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. In fact, I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d ever take again!
Day 226 – “Back soon”
Sunday, 8 July 2007
Day 226 – “Back soon”
It would be a bit difficult to tell you exactly in which mood I find myself on this Sunday afternoon. Even though I feel nervous and stressed, when it gets down to it, everything happening in my life at the moment is so nothing but good and optimistic.
My ‘Significant Other’ just left after we got to spend the weekend together. Weekends are about all we have at the moment, but I treasure the time we do get together. My new job threw my normal routine upside down this past week – so even the usual telephone communication were cut to a minimum.
I guess I’m in love. I can’t remember when last I felt this way about anybody and then to have those feelings returned is spectacular. It is still a trial thing at the moment, you know, seeing whether a relationship will be safe and a long distance relationship at that. I don’t feel I can totally put my heart into this yet and run the risk of crushing down to earth and turning to heroin to cope.
My parents have been ultra cool about everything. At times so much that I have to wonder who they are and what they did to my real parents. With work and money and even my newly found love – they seem to be so supportive and trusting towards me. All the more reason not to let them down.
I’ll be going to Pretoria tomorrow morning early for training at my new job. I’ll be gone for two weeks and that means that blogging might not occur during this time. I’m really nervous and stressed about what lies ahead for me. I had a small taste of what my working life will be like in the future and I really believe I made the right choice taking this job.
I’ll be back soon and hope to bring even more good news with the next blog.
Day 222 – “Proud”
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Day 222 – “Proud”
My parents were supposed to take leave for three weeks. Due to the strikes in the country (affecting my dad’s leave) and me finding another job (affecting my mom’s leave) the plans haven’t exactly worked out. The situation at my mom’s job also doesn’t make a person feel comfortable leaving for 3 weeks on leave – you might come back and find you haven’t got a job anymore.
So, they cancelled the leave and won’t be going away. I really wanted them to go because I felt that they needed some time away after everything that happened with my addiction last year and now work this year. Perhaps it is a blessing in the end because now I’ll be gone for two weeks when I was supposed to watch the house.
My mom and dad are also celebrating their 28th Wedding Anniversary on Saturday and most couples on this earth would probably give anything to be as happy as they are. They’ve definitely shown me what a relationship should ideally be like and I’m proud to call them my parents.
I know I haven’t exactly been the model son and I have a lot of hurt that I still have to mend. They’ve given me so much, supported me through my addiction and helped me get back on my feet. My biggest achievement in this life will be when I make them proud again to call me their son!
Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”
Monday, 2 July 2007
Day 220 – “Baby steps, Giant Leaps”
It’s dark outside, darker than I’ve seen Polokwane in a while, then again… it is 3 o’clock in the morning. The weather says 5 degrees and even though I haven’t been outside yet I must say it feels a little warmer. I just woke up. It’s my first day at my new job!
We had a monthly meeting in Pretoria and had to leave early to be there in time. I saw HQ for the first time and was really impressed with the building, the offices and the staff. Definitely very professional and I felt a bit bewildered by the forms and questions and fitting and meetings that went on the whole morning.
I’m a bit scared at what lies ahead for me. The job is not something I am completely used to. In fact, besides a few basic things I know in the field I’m pretty much clueless. So from Monday I’ll be in Pretoria for two weeks while I learn more about my job and field.
This weekend I was allowed out of town completely alone while I visited my newly found ‘significant other’. Next week I’ll be in Pretoria for my new job completely alone again. From baby steps to big leaps and still keeping strong. I don’t think I could ever have imagined it going this good 200 days ago!
Day 217 – “To new beginnings”
Friday, 29 June 2007
Day 217 – “To new beginnings”
It was exactly a week ago that I was counting down the hours to a weekend in Cape Town and to my first plane flight. Today I am counting down the hours until I say goodbye to a 7 year part of my life. In a few hours I will say farewell to a life and a routine I knew very well and starting a completely new chapter.
I have a mixture of feelings running through my mind today. That of sadness, excitement, nervous anticipation. Most of it only hit me yesterday – I was saying goodbye! So many people around me at the office knew about my addiction and stood by me and my family through this time. I have no doubt that at times some probably thought it would never change. They are as much part of this recovery as I am!
I will be waking up almost 4 hours earlier on Monday to go to my new Head-Office in Pretoria. What lies ahead for me is mostly a mystery and I can only hope to be as happy as I was at my present company. But I find strength in the knowledge that I have overcome gigantic obstacles in my life and will make a success of this aswell.
As an added bonus I’ll be seeing ‘my significant other’ the weekend again after 2 weeks apart. We’ve both been counting down the days and by now the hours until we’ll see each other again. As torturing as it can be to be apart for so long, I still feel that this ‘long distance relationship’ is the safest option for us for now.
The changing of jobs is the start of many changes to follow in the future and hopefully I will look back on these moments after a few months and ask myself why I didn’t do it sooner!
Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”
Thursday, 28 June 2007
Day 216(1) – “Four Cousins”
Most of my cousins I haven’t seen in years. I was quickly reminded that one of them of used to change my nappies. Of course, I was a baby at the time – and again felt a bit exposed by this information sharing.
I must honestly say that I haven’t had so much fun in years. Most of them follow the blog so they knew me much better than you would know your estranged cousin living almost 2000kms away. It was asif I stayed around the street. I just wanted to talk and talk all night catching up on what the rest of the family were doing.
My cousins have all made good lives for themselves, starting families, most of them with a loved one to keep them warm at night. My past few years were spent in a state of suspension in a way not really realizing how much everything around you changes. And seeing them noticeably more mature and happy than they were back then – is a great reminder of what I still have to catch up on.
Between the Diemersfontein Chocolate Pinotage (which is by the way one of the best red wines you’ll ever taste) we drank Van Luveren’s Four Cousins. Since we were indeed four cousins there – it was a very appropriate choice. And I got a quick food lesson as a bonus from somebody I now regard as an expert on the subject.
After we consumed way too much food the day and an excessive amount of alcohol during the night we called it a night. It was off to bed again for an early start.
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(2) – “Hairy or smooth?”
“The Birthday Boy” and I wanted to check out one of the clubs, have a drink and maybe have a quick dance. Since I’ve never done the party thing in Cape Town and he has only been there a month we didn’t really know where to go. We went looking for a club somewhere but our plans were quickly stopped by the reluctance of my friend.
Clubbing was apparently not his scene and he was unwilling to compromise even though he was the only one that didn’t want to go. In fact he was so adamant on it, that the night ended in deafening uncomfortable silence as we all went to bed. I lay my head down and within seconds I was fast asleep.
For weeks reports were that Cape Town was cloudy, rainy and cold. And even though a slight breeze was blowing the next morning, the sun was shining and Table Mountain was clearly visible. It was weather any tourist or any Capetonian, for that matter – could really appreciate.
We went to Canal Walk and walked around browsing through the various shops. I expected more people to be there but there was no shortage in ‘eye candy’ spread through the corridors. One thing that was refreshing was how clean everything was and how friendly the people were there. Not just Canal Walk but the whole of Cape Town. Even the road signs, street names and number plates seemed unaffected by the constant name changes the government forced on the rest of the country.
It was only when we excited Canal Walk that we found another world outside – clouded, windy and rainy – totally different from what it was just a few short hours ago. The cold wind was blowing everywhere and that combined with the walk through the mall shot pains through my whole body. I was glad to just sit in the car for a while and that is exactly what we did.
My newly found friends knew much more about wine than I can ever hope to know. I felt like a real amateur in their superb pallet presence. We drove over 50kms to Diemersfontein just past Paarl for wine tasting. The young lady helping us obviously knew her wine. She was refreshingly different from the girls back in Polokwane. I could see “The Birthday Boy” liked her and I thought to myself how good they’d actually looked together – beautiful people seem to always find each other.
The ‘tasting lady’ mentioned a play that I definitely have to go and see. ‘Hair’ is currently playing at ‘Theatre on the Bay’ and she caught me a bit of guard comparing me to one of the actors. Apparently it contains a nude scene aswell, which caused it’s banning in the country for a while. I suddenly felt a bit exposed.
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 215(1) – “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Cape Town is a bit windy but not at all as I expected it to be. Even Cape Town International Airport surprises me with its obvious inferiority to its Johannesburg counterpart. But since most of it is also still under construction I thought I’d give it the benefit of the doubt for now. We exit the building after getting our luggage and I walk into the Cape Air. It is familiar to me even though I haven’t been here in ages. I wasn’t born in Cape Town self but the Province is home to me and brings back a lot of memories.
I phone my cousin to get directions to my aunt’s house. After a few rights and lefts and rights again we end up at the house. My aunt has moved twice since I last saw her so it is all new to me and I ring the bell in the hope to see a friendly face. A Portuguese woman opens the door with exactly the opposite face gawking at us, demanding to know what we are doing there and who we are looking for. I distinctly remember my aunt not to be a Portuguese woman – so figured we are at the wrong house. It turns out my cousin had the wrong house number and soon pointed us to the house next to the “friendly” Portuguese woman.
I met a very interesting guy this weekend. He is the friend of the friend I went to Cape Town with. They seem to be the most unlikely of friends but on close inspection I find some similarities between them that no doubted made them friends. It was his birthday on Monday so we celebrated it by going to ‘Belthazar’ a restaurant located at the Victoria Waterfront. It was voted ‘Best Steak House in South Africa 2005’ and most definitely lives up to that title. The restaurant oozed with classiness and I hung on every word that came from out waiter’s mouth.
Belthazar is famous for their wine collection and boasts with the largest wine-by-the-glass bar in the world. Their menus remind me of road maps and they confused my indecisive mind even more with a wide variety. I ordered a steak that was perfectly prepared with their pepper crust house basting and served with rice. Apparently their chocolate chili sauce is also something to try out.
We left Belthazar after dinner and even though we clearly had just eaten a big meal, “Birthday Boy” and I were in a real party mood…
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Day 214 – “Upside Down”
It is funny how fast a person’s life can change. In a few minutes all that you know as normal or routine can be thrown upside down and what lies ahead is a mystery. I’m filled with excitement and eagerness to tackle the next few days and find myself overlay nervous and stressed in uncertainty. We all knew it was coming and without proper time to even react to the news it changed all of our lives. I got a new job!
I went for an interview on Monday afternoon and this time I was slightly more prepared than the previous one. I left the interview with confidence that I at least didn’t make a fool out of myself and at gave it my best shot. Before the hour passed I received a call to say I was the best candidate for the job. My facial expression was difficult to pinpoint at that moment. Out of all the emotions I could feel the realization suddenly hit me – I had 4 days to complete everything at my current job.
This change in my life is much more important that most can even imagine. Changing jobs mean I won’t be under the constant eye of my parents any more. I’ll be traveling around much more with only myself as any kind of supervision. I’ll be taking control of my finances again, salary, accounts and payments. It is the ultimate test of responsibility starting from the 1st of July and a huge sign that I am starting to take my life back.
I will continue the Cape Town story tomorrow but just had to share this exciting news with you. I am incredibly sad to leave my job of almost 7 years and to say goodbye to the people I dealt with everyday. I have no doubt that in the end this move is to my greatest benefit and a very important factor in starting my new life.
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
Monday, 25 June 2007
Day 213 – “Cape Town: Departure”
The plane makes a slight turn and I look through the window at the scene outside. It is beautiful; I haven’t seen the sea in 7 years and now it is lying beneath me with the moon’s reflection on its surface. There are millions of city lights covering the dark earth and for the first time I see how big and beautiful it really is here. It is Friday and I am about to end my first plane flight ever and land in Cape Town International Airport.
It was roughly 7 hours prior to this landing that we started the trip from Polokwane to Johannesburg. After a 3 hour car ride (which was funnily enough longer than the plane flight to Cape Town would take), a speeding ticket and a pileup on the R21 we finally reached the airport. I’ve only been there 4 times either to see someone off or to fetch them there and every single time the airport was under construction. I guess an airport will just be something that always has construction somewhere.
It is my first plane flight so everything around is me is new and strange. The airport is busy and covered with people arriving from all kinds of different places. A model agency looking for a new sexy face would have had a field day there on Friday.
After finding parking, baggage check in and security we waited in the departure lounge for our flight to board. The departure lounge is full of green and gold jackets of obvious Springbok supporters on their way to Durban and by the excitement between them I almost thought the game was on Friday night.
We board the plane and I am visibly more tense when the plane starts moving and shoots up into the air. We are moving above Gauteng at over 900kms/h and the buildings become smaller and smaller until it eventually disappears and the only visible sign of this huge city are faint lights in the distance…
More on Tuesday: “Cape Town: Left, right and right again!”
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Day 212 – “Cape Town Anonymous”
It is a few minutes before 7 on Sunday night and we just got back from a magnificent weekend in Cape Town. The whole weekend was filled with a lot of firsts for me and I was reminded once again of how much I have missed out on over these drugging years.
To do the weekend justice I will tell it over a few days starting tomorrow (Monday). I’ll try to remember everything that happened but Cape Town being famous for its wine didn’t help much with my memory.
The blogs came up on several occasions over the weekend. The people I spend most of the time with didn’t know about my heroin history. And once again I was faced with the dilemma of telling them about it immediately or only talking about it another time. It is obviously not a big secret and I always try and be honest about who I am and they were so wonderful that I doubt they would have judged me on it for a minute.
Still I don’t think I should start every conversation with “Hi, I’m Christiaan and I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict!” Too much of my life reminds me of that part of my life already.
To my friends and family that were involved and even the new people I met this weekend who made it spectacular – a big Thank You! I can only hope I’ll meet up with you all again!
On Monday: “Cape Town: Departure”
Day 210 – “7 months”
Friday, 22 June 2007
Day 210 – “7 months”
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go… the count down has begun. In a few hours I will be on my way to ‘Jan Smuts’, oh sorry, ‘Jo-burg International’, oh sorry, ‘O.R Tambo’… hell, I’d better get there soon before they change the name again!
I will be flying on a plane for the very first time in my life. I’ve been flying high on drugs all my life and even flew on a helicopter once, but never in a plane before. Another first for me! Wonder what will happen if I shout ‘bomb’ on the plane?
My newly found ‘significant other’ and I only get to see each other weekends and since I’m away in Cape Town this weekend we will only get to see each other next weekend again – ah, the agony! Of course, being apart for so long makes the meeting up so much more ‘explosive’.
I will definitely be going to Century City on Saturday and doing one of my favourite things - walking in shopping malls and checking all the funky people. Maybe I’ll still catch some of you there. In between that and the family responsibilities we’ve got a hectic day planned.
To my friends out there, I’ll be on MSN the weekend and I’ll be back on Sunday night will loads to tell. So, watch out for a full blogging week with juicy details. Oh and I just heard I have another interview on Monday again, and another one later on in the week. What a great way to start the weekend!
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Day 209 – “Singles or Doubles?”
I woke up on Wednesday morning and there was something else in my life that wasn’t there the day before. I took a few minutes for me to place these new emotions in a category I could recognize. Perhaps it is because I haven’t felt them in a very long time. Yes, I woke up on Wednesday morning and for the first time in more than 2 years – I was no longer single!
If you’ve been following this and my Afrikaans blog you know that I have been working on a possible relationship. Even though this person does not stay in the same town as I do, we decided on Tuesday that we’ll officially update the relationship status to ‘involved’.
We’ve known each other now for almost 2 months but I can count the time we’ve spent together on one hand. Due to the distance between us we’ve relied mostly on phone communication. Luckily we’ve got plans together for the next few weeks.
I’ve been thinking a lot whether I should be in a relationship this early in recovery. I am very cautious of getting romantically involved or possibly getting hurt and undoing seven months of progress. I’ve been open about my heroin past since we met and must say that I have not received anything else but total support and understanding during the time. That just makes the love between us even stronger!
