Saturday, 7 April 2007
Day 134 / 58 (59) - "Reset and Forget"
Redo. Reset. Clean. Erase. Format. Any of these will work.
Its one of the things I like most about computers. Doesn’t matter what stupid thing you’ve installed on your computer or virus you get from the internet. You know that once you press that button everything will be okay. Sure, some things really get broken and a simple reset might not work, but you kinda know in the back of your mind that in the end you will figure it out.
I’ve pressed my reset button many times, trying to clear the mess I’ve made once again. And on the computer, much like my real life, I tend to install all kinds of weird things testing it out, seeing what will work. Sometimes ignoring the warnings that both windows or my anti-virus program gives me.
The bad thing about cleaning your computer, formatting your hard drive or anything that severe is that unless you have backups of the important stuff you are bound to lose some data. And in computers I sometimes welcome the loss of data. Less time to sort everything out, less space taken up by huge chunks of everything. Less chaos.
I’ve been very fortunate that my life has come with a restart button. I got to start over in a way. Unfortunately life unlike computers doesn’t lose the data. Doesn’t matter how many times you press that button it remembers.
Its raining. A bit more than sporadic droplets darkening the world around me. Darker ground. Darker skies. Darker mood. Alone with your thoughts and your memories, thinking, how you just want to press restart, maybe this time you’ll lose some data and forget!
Day 134 - "Reset and Forget"
Day 133 - "Crawling (by Linkin Park)"
Friday, 6 April 2007
Day 133 / 57 (59) - "Crawling (by Linkin Park)"
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
To find myself again
Day 132 - "It’s the weekend, baby!"
Thursday, 5 April 2007
Day 132 / 56 (59) - "It’s the weekend, baby!"
I am really looking forward to this weekend. We are closing early today which rarely happens these days and My dad is turning 50 on Sunday and they are going to his brother for the weekend.
I decided to take time this weekend to catch up on some of my computer programming, writing and movies and all that other stuff I keep postponing. And since my parents aren’t here the weekend I’m making breakfast. This way I can make a mess as much as I want – as long as it is clean before Sunday night. I’m thinking bacon, eggs, sausages, toast, maybe some pancakes due to the wet weather we’ve been having.
My parents are a bit concerned going away for a weekend and leaving me almost unsupervised (for lack of a better word). I say a bit because I guess the doubt is always there. One never knows what the decisions are I could make on a day. We all just hope it can go as good as it has been going. But this is great practice for July. My parents are going on holiday for 2 weeks in July to visit family.
And if July goes without incident I am planning to go away for a week after that. I don’t know where yet, but it will depend on what the finances will allow. I just know that I deserve a few days away from this place. I deserve to go somewhere where I’ve always wanted to go or haven’t been in a long time.
Anyway, that’s the holiday schedule. I hope you have a fantastic weekend and that you get to spend it with family or friends.
Day 131 - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"
Wednesday, 4 April 2007
Day 131 / 55 (59) - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"
Dear Diary
Let me tell you how it’s going…
Physically
Mornings are still pretty bad. I wake up and lie in bed for almost an hour working up the courage to face the day. I think it must be the lying throughout the night that makes everything ache in the mornings. But as soon as I do get up and get moving it all disappears only returning just before I go to bed. I am trying to gain weight. I weighed 62kgs just a short while ago (and this for a guy that is almost 2 meters tall) but I have worked myself up to 69kgs. Now, I’m seriously trying to gain some weight and work on my fitness, which should help with those morning wake ups.
Emotionally
My emotions are still like a ride at an amusement park. Up and down, up and down, over and over again. One day I’m optimistic and happy and active and the next I’m something completely different. Slowly I can feel balance returning to the roller coaster and I can control most of what happens to me.
Relationship
I made a few posts on finding love and happiness and how it was important to me and
ow I felt I would never find it. I even contacted my ex and for a while it seemed as if things might actually work out in the end. Right now, it doesn’t look like it ever will – but I’m not bothered by it all. Still want it, still feel I might not get it – but I think I’m more optimistic now and at least trying.
Financially
We paid some of my accounts yesterday and after spending every sent I earned and most of the money my mother earned I still didn’t even pay everything. So, once again I’m expecting numerous ‘private number’ calls and warning SMSes throughout the month. The silver lining, however, is that one of my accounts was fully paid and closed yesterday. One down, Six thousand nine hundred and forty-two to go… hehehe
Family
I think we still have our ups and downs. But they know I’m trying my best to get my life back. They are still helping me in so many ways that I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay them. They are still cautious sometimes: If I’m acting weird or depressed or anything that looks out of the ordinary they are quick to check up on me. But I know it only helps me in the end to stay on the correct path.
General
Overall I think I’m doing brilliantly even if I say so myself. Who knew that the unhygienic, heroin addicted, stealing, cheating and manipulating guy that started this blog would eventually start getting his life back? You get days in this recovery when you can’t really say why you stopped. Bad days when you feel that the meaningless junky life you were leading was actually better than what you were trying to do now. And then you get days like today when it all makes sense again!
Day 130 - "A last resort"
Tuesday, 3 April 2007
Day 130 / 54 (59) - "A last resort"
Almost every heroin story I have ever read has either started or ended with Rehab. Every character with their struggle towards addiction faced the Rehab Center in some way or form. Some only once, some a lucky twice, others have spent more time in them than out.
I didn’t go! There were a lot of reasons. I kept saying I could do it without Rehab, this survival instinct inside of me that knew my limits and knew I hadn’t reached them yet. Work was another influence. We were extremely busy and under staffed at work. Having me gone even for a week was something the business couldn’t afford. But most people knew my situation and were supportive and helped to ‘keep watch’ and keep me in line. As I kept slipping up everybody was slowly realizing that the only way would eventually be to send me away. If I couldn’t stay clean this time – Rehab was the next stop.
It almost sounds like a threat, like Rehab was something to fear. In a way, I guess it was to me. Going to Rehab meant that I had to admit I wasn’t strong enough. What I’ve realized in my 130 days is that there is no shame in admitting that. Most people will never have the strength to get through this. Infact, I still find myself questioning somedays whether I have the strength!
Rehab to all of us was a last resort. I didn’t really want to go and my parents didn’t want to send me. In the end I gave it one last try. I had about 2 months to get clean – to prove I could stay clean. If I couldn’t do that, show them, show myself – I would willingly go.
Whether this was empty threats by my parents or the last resort of exhausted possibilities - I don’t know. Whether this reluctance towards Rehab was part of the motivation to get clean or part of the strength to stay clean – I don’t know. If it was, I guess Rehab did help me in a way. By not going, not wanting to go, not wanting to admit that maybe I needed to go – I didn’t have to go in the end!
P.S) If you like this blog and don't believe in FEEDREADER then contact me on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za to have it mailed to you daily
Day 129 - "My few minutes (continued...)"
Monday, 2 April 2007
Day 129 / 53 (59) - "My few minutes (continued...)"
To quickly start where I ended off earlier today I have always found my blog to be a pretty topical blog without the flooding of entries that makes a feedreader hang while it updates. Everybody has their own way I guess.
As much as blogging helps me with my emotions every day you get those times when you just want to forget. You want to forget you’re a lot of things, things you haven’t even shared with a lot of people. You want to forget you’re a heroin addict. You want to forget you’re depressed. For one day, one week, you just want to be – that boy again. That blonde curly haired boy with absolutely no worries in the world.
I’ve thought a lot about the things I want to say this week and absolutely none of it makes sense to me. My mind is like an atom bomb that exploded. Destruction, particles, distress every where! It’s the chaos after the storm.
So, I guess my explanation is that I needed something different for a change. Hopefully when you read further the rest of the week this will make more sense to you. If it does – I hope you’ll explain it to me. I needed a break from the routine in my life. This is something that has been creeping on me for weeks and last week it just got too much.
Its weird, it was actually helpful in a way. I needed some time off from thinking about what is happening to me, time off from sharing it or talking about or even thinking about it! And as relaxing as the time was doing ‘other things’ - in the end it just got my mind more cloudy. So, I’m not sure if the posts of this week are going to make any sense. If they don’t then luckily you’ve only wasted a few minutes!
What I do know is that already after writing these two posts I feel much better. I guess that’s why it is so important to go to support meetings, although we don’t have them here.
It was a month ago that I said my life would drastically change and I would do the things I’ve been meaning to do for so long. Unfortunately not much has changed yet. After almost a 130 days in recovery I know one thing now better than ever – this is still going to take a while!
Day 129 - "My few minutes"
Monday, 2 April 2007
Day 129 / 53 (59) - "My few minutes"
I've always seen it as my few minutes. A few minutes to tell my story. I imagine we’re working in a big building. We don’t know exactly on which floor the others are working but we know it is somewhere in the building. Or maybe we know exactly which floor but we’d never find each other among the hundreds of busy cubicles. We have this - these few minutes in the lobby of our building to exchange pleasantries for the day. A few minutes to get to know each other, to get inside each other’s heads. A few words to portray our mood or purpose. My few minutes!
I’ve never been one to blog excessively on one day. Sure, you’ve mostly gotten at least one post from me on a day. I say what I have to say, what I want to say – sometimes what I need to say. I have a few minutes, a few words, phrases, ideas and then its over until we meet each other in the lobby the next morning. Some days our messages don’t come across that easily. Maybe we get days where what we want to say is so difficult to express that we have difficulty finding the words. Which is scary because words are what we describe best with.
Perhaps we only give each other a glance but the crowd sweeps us away to the elevator or perhaps in our hurry we blast past without even noticing the other there. After all we only have a few minutes.
I remember having a diary once. I was going through something difficult in my life, even back then, and my diary was the one that was always ready to listen. I never got any response back, but just to have somebody there to listen was enough. Blogging is like my diary used to be. It’s a lot more open and vulnerable to the opinions and the comments of other real people – which I guess makes it all the more effective!
I’ve been gone for a week. Slightly pulling a disappearing act. Which weirdly enough leaves you with a whole week of stuff to catch up on in the lobby. A whole week of accumulated emotions and stories – all to tell in the few minutes. I wish I could stand here the whole day and forget about everything else. Maybe then I’ll understand – maybe then somebody else will.
I haven’t really told you how it’s going yet. The counter is still counting so it can’t be going that bad – right. Right now, I’ll need more than a few minutes to find out exactly how it’s going. I have to hurry towards the elevator but I’ll be back a bit later with a second post! Maybe I’ll find the answers today!
P.S) I am so glad to be back and catch up on all your lives again. This post continues a bit later this morning.
Day 128 – “I can't sleep!”
Sunday, 1 April 2007
Day 128 / 52 (59) – “I can't sleep!”
I can’t sleep, again! That place of comfort that I went to every night before praying, got lost somewhere, somehow. The escape pod that waited next to my bed to transport me away from this world to that place of comfort, lay in pieces - not even my dreams spared. The guardian angel that looked over my head and guarded over my body while I slept, hung from the wall dripping blood on my face.
It’s my rope, its my fingerprints, its still my fault!
Something is moving up my leg. I need no degree in biology to determine the specie. Even the most deprived individual knows when a snake moves up its leg. Any person can feel the scaly skin of the slithering snake eating at your flesh, leaving an acid-trail of breadcrumbs to find its way back! I can feel the poison boiling in its body; I can see it, waiting to be released on my flesh, eating at it until there is nothing left. There is already nothing left!
My nails colour my white body with blood as it pierces deep into my flesh digging for some remaining self-respect that wasn’t dried out or taken. My bloody fingertips signals violently in the air begging for a donation from the gifted passers. Those individuals that was smart enough to fill their drinking bottles with water while it still lasted. Those I frowned upon because they wouldn’t jump off the bridge with me. Those clean hands, those clean mouths, those clean nails!!
Scales slither around my deep trailed neck as it has done so many times before. I am grabbing for air and it usually loosens its grip when it sees me suffer. Silly me thought I was mercied upon but soon realised it was only playing with me. I was its mouse. No! I was its rat, and it toyed with me. It would only be a matter of time before it pierced me with its poison draining the last bit of life from whatever part of my body was left.
I was a queen on a chessboard, moving everywhere I wanted to. Now, I'm the king. My drugged and disillusioned mind thinks it owns the board. Instead it sits in the corner unable to move watching how all the other pieces moves about. It thinks it has the knowledge to overcome, to survive. It thinks it has the last move – but it’ll never make it that far!
I can’t sleep… The events of my life that has shaped me as I am lie unforgettable, slow motioning in my head. They keep on repeating, over and over again.
I can’t close my eyes.
I can’t leave them open.
I can’t sleep!
P.S) Missed blogging terribly and glad to be back. Will see all of you tomorrow and we'll talk a bit about the past week!
Day 122 – “Poll/Discussion 6 Closed”
Sunday, 25 March 2007
Day 122 / 45 (59) – “Poll/Discussion 6 Closed”
Two weeks ago I asked if people would share their experiences with ‘Rehab’ or ‘Ibogaine’. The intention was to get a broader view of how these treatments affect people and if they really work. I had a few responses and was really amazed at how many people were in Rehab themselves or had family there. I appreciate everybody that took the time to e-mail me on the subject.
I’ll finally get to the subject I haven’t really blogged about yet – Rehab. Should I have gone? Why didn’t I go? Should I go now? Does it really work?
However, I’ll be pulling a disappearing act and will not be blogging for the next week. I’ll see you all again on Sunday, 1 April 2007 with the next post.
Day 123 - Day 127 :
Day 123 / 46 (59) – Monday, 26 March 2007
Day 124 / 47 (59) – Tuesday, 27 March 2007
Day 125 / 48 (59) – Wednesday, 28 March 2007
Day 126 / 49 (59) – Thursday, 29 March 2007
Day 126 / 50 (59) – Friday, 30 March 2007
Day 127 / 51 (59) – Saturday, 31 March 2007
Day 121 – “Farewell to Addiction (by Daniel L)”
Saturday, 24 March 2007
Day 121 / 44 (59) – “Farewell to Addiction (by Daniel L)”
So goodbye old friends. I will remember the good times I had with all of
you. Because there were some good times. It is the nature of our
relationship that I will forever strive to forget. And of all of you, a
very special goodbye to you, my inspiration in liquid form.
I cringe at saying your name, but yes, you, alcohol. It was our little
secret for a long time, wasn't it? Even when you started betraying me, I
still wanted to trust you, I still turned to you. I loved you so much, my
secret lover. In you, and with you, I found warmth and affection, euphoria
and arousal.
Even when we were apart, I thought of you, felt you inside me, craved for
you. You had this funny way of transforming yourself into whatever it was I wanted. You became strength, laughter, confidence and patience. I now know our relationship was doomed from the start. You made me blind with lust and
love for you, and in the end, you deserted me.
I feel I could write about you, to you, for hours. But I really wish for
you to go away now. I know you'll be hiding around the corner, calling me once in a while. But please hear this old friend: There is no longer a
place left for you in my life. I make a conscious choice to forsake you,
for eternity. I have found a new lover; Serenity and a daily quest for
honesty and simplicity.
And so, old friend, I am done with you.
Sincerely,
Daniel L.
Northern Ontario, 2004
P.S: I left a large chunk of my heart with you over the years. And one
day, when I am stronger, I will be back to reclaim it. It never belonged to
you in the first place.
Day 120 - “72 hours clean (Part 3 of 3)”
Friday, 23 March 2007
Day 120 / 42 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 3 of 3)”
Hey everybody. All is still going well… I’ll tell you in detail how the past few days has been going on Monday. I made a mistake a while back with the Second Day Counter and corrected it yesterday… So I’m on Day 120 / 42. Enjoy your Friday. Here is the last part of ’72 hours clean’…
We decided to go our separate ways because we all knew that together it was only a matter of time before one of us cracked. I reluctantly went home.
By this time I felt like little piranhas were eating away at my flesh. I could hardly move. I got a Voltaren injection and lay on the bed pretending to watch television. My Oscar performance as a normal guy with no problems in the world began. It would have to last the whole weekend.
I’m not sure what my parents thought but I spent most of the Saturday in bed. At times I tried to look busy just to avoid suspicion even though I was hurting so badly. In a way I felt better – almost proud of myself. This was the second day. It was one of the only times I ever got to a second day.
Sunday morning I opened my eyes and one thought ran through my mind like a train station at peak time. I wanted heroin. Before I opened my eyes, before a conscious thought played in my mind – I had decided. It was asif I was asked myself the question the whole night and every time the answer came blaring through… YES… YES…. YES!
Before I even entered 72 hours I was back where I was the Thursday night – a heroin addict. I came close and for months and months after that day, that was the closest I got. The months following that day lead to more frequent heroin use. I started injecting myself and soon there was no reason to wait. There would be no more days where anybody said, ‘lets go home’. There would be no more 72 hours clean!
P.S) If you like this blog and want it mailed to you daily as it updates, please contact me on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Day 119 – “72 hours clean (Part 2 of 3)”
Thursday, 22 March 2007
Day 119 / 42 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 2 of 3)”
Continues from Part 1...
A few hours passed with all of us avoiding the obvious. I had every intention to stop taking the weekend but my mind was another mission. Whether I closed my eyes or kept them open they only saw one thing, they only needed one thing – heroin.
I was still in the beginning stages of my addiction, that weekend. I was absolutely dependent on when my friends took, because they injected me. In the beginning I never injected myself. Ironically, I hated needles. If they said No, then it was No. But they weren’t saying No… they were just keeping quiet and I knew they wanted it just as badly as I wanted it.
I guess I felt safe in a way. As long as somebody else had to inject me, I didn’t have a problem. It was still controlled to a certain extend because I was depending on them. Of course, my dependence was on another addict’s heroin habits. People hurting just as bad and even more than I was. Nobody really had a choice anymore.
If I told the story of any other day the following outcome would be different. It was almost guaranteed that somebody, anybody would crack eventually. The need for heroin was much more than any agreement, any promise or any other desire to ever get clean. Any undertaking to stop immediately faded once the craving kicked in. On this day… nobody said a word.
'72 hours clean' concludes tomorrow (Friday)!
Day 118 – “Human Rights Day”
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
Day 118 / 41 (59) – “Human Rights Day”
Since today is 'Human Rights Day' in South Africa I will continue the '72 hours clean' story tomorrow (Thursday). [Secret Method for Keeping Suspense - **Evil Laugh]
If you have stories or experiences on 'Rehab', 'Ibogaine', 'Out-Patient Programs', 'NA Meetings' or anything related, please e-mail me at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za before Sunday.
And to have this blog mailed to you daily please e-mail me also to add you to the Mailing List.
Day 117 – “72 hours clean (Part 1 of 3)"
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Day 117 / 40 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 1 of 3)”
We all wanted it. Each one of us more badly than the next. Right there, right then I would have given anything. I would have taken, stolen, sold anything just to get it. To feel that overwhelming feeling of content rush over me. All of us wanted it… but nobody said a thing!
It was Friday afternoon. Fridays didn’t signal ‘weekend’ to us. It was the start of detox. We entered every single weekend more determined than ever that this time would be it. This would be the time we kicked this habit and heroin would never be in control of us again. To us Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays were spent fighting the daemons, trying to stay away from the dealer, trying to get clean.
I took off from work early. I was hurting badly. I last took heroin the night before and I knew in a short while my body would be aching so much that I could hardly walk. Nobody knew yet, so I had to pretend that everything was okay. Sure, I had the occasional off-day and they could see I’m not feeling well, but I could always blame it on something. In a few minutes I would be withdrawing and everybody would see something was wrong.
I got together with my friends. We all decided to stay together the afternoon and look after each other. We had no medicine and withdrawing cold turkey was dangerous. We sat in the lounge watching television. I can’t remember what was on. I don’t think I even knew then. The thoughts of taking heroin were screaming in the room. Dead silence but deafening screaming for heroin. Everybody wanted it but nobody was going to be the instigator. Not this time! All of us wanted it… but nobody said a word!
Part 2 continues tomorrow Thursday...
Day 116 – “Subutex”
Monday, 19 March 2007
Day 116 / 39 (59) – “Subutex”
Subutex, is used to treat opioid dependence. Its main purpose is to prevent withdrawal symptoms, by stimulating the opiate receptors in the brain. It has a greater attraction to the opiate receptors than heroin, which reduces or removes the desire to take heroin. Subutex binds so tightly to the opiate receptors, that taking heroin will have little or no effect.
Subutex was my saviour. Without it I would have given up a long time ago. It helped me to get through the already bad withdrawal symptoms and more importantly insured the recovery wasn’t life threatening. It is not cheap medicine and I took it way too long (as you also get dependant on it) but it got me off heroin – and that is what is important!
Taking Subutex was a sort of insurance that I would not be taking heroin that day. It takes away some of the desire to take heroin, makes finding a vain much more difficult and if you should take heroin while on Subutex the effect is minimum.
I remember waking up some days and as soon as I opened my eyes I knew I was going to take heroin. It was like the thought played in my head the whole night and as soon as I opened my eyes the yearning for heroin was there. My mind went in overdrive and all I thought about was how to score. On those days I didn’t take Subutex because I knew it would spoil the experience. Other times I took Subutex in the morning with no intend to take heroin during the day – but the urge to have the real thing got too big and I took heroin anyway. Even just a hint of that feeling was enough to risk it!
Of course, my parents soon learned that Subutex not only helped with withdrawal but helped me to stay away from taking heroin. According to them I never took heroin if I had subutex in my system – I mean, what was the use, right?! So, every morning they came to me and watched as I put the pill under my tongue and waited for it to dissolve. They could sleep at night – their boy was safe.
I don’t need to tell you that if there is a way around it, an addict will find it. I got anti-depressants from my doctor which, if broken in half looked very similar to the subutex pill. I even filed the edges off the pill to give it more of the appearance of the Subutex pill. So, every morning my mom would come to check up on me to make sure I took the Subutex pill never knowing it was something completely different.
I got away with this for quite a number of months. As long as I took that pill they thought they had nothing to worry about – which meant they let me out of the house. And if I came back and looked a bit off – I could always just blame it on the Subutex. It was perfect!
I’m very cautious to refer to the things I did in a positive sense. I don’t want to seem to ever brag about how I got away with it – as I said before that would be in very bad taste. I am sharing this information with you because you might have a loved one busy filing the edges of anti-depressant pills – fooling you!
Day 115 – “Poll/Discussion 6 continued…”
Sunday, 18 March 2007
Day 115 / 38 (59) – “Poll/Discussion 6 continued…”
I asked last weekend if people would share their experiences with ‘Rehab’ or ‘Ibogaine’. The intention is to get a broader view of how these treatments affect people and if they really work, for a future post.
If you have a story to share, I would really like to hear from you before the end of Saturday night the 24th of March.
E-mail me at: tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Day 114 – “Joy that banishes all reason (by Oliver Madla)”
Saturday, 17 March 2007
Day 114 / 37 (59) – “Joy that banishes all reason (by Oliver Madla)”
There is a joy that banishes all reason,
An ecstasy so vast it has no shore,
A craving that devours all decision,
A lust for nothingness that lusts for more.
There are angels in pursuit of pain
Who take Satanic pride in degradation,
Who'll drag you down the hill and back again
Hosanna-ing your sweet humiliation.
Just like a fire fanned by a hot, dry wind,
Or like a flood that sweeps away all will,
This wall of pleasure leaves no one behind,
No sign of life where all one loves lies still.
So does the soul in anguish hate the joy
That soothes the hate that does the soul destroy.
Day 113 – “Remembering my Big Fancy House”
Friday, 16 March 2007
Day 113 / 36 (59) – “Remembering my Big Fancy House”
Originally posted 37 days ago, right before I lapsed again, here is “My Big Fancy House!”
My mind is a house - A big fancy house, with a huge wall surrounding it and electric fencing keeping the burglars out. I feel safe in my house because no matter who tries and get in – my fence will protect me.
One day I look outside the window and I see my old friend heroin standing there. I remember the good times we used to have together even though we didn’t part on good terms. He was a user and abuser throughout our friendship and in the end he didn’t care about me one bit. Even so, we still had good times together.
Maybe he has changed, I tell myself. Maybe things could be like they used to be, before it all turned bad. Maybe I should give him another chance! Or maybe he hasn’t. Maybe he is still the same old devil he has always been. I close the window! My house is still safe, I am still safe!
Perhaps I don’t even see him standing across the road. I don’t want to know him, talk to him, see him anymore. That part of my life is over and I wouldn’t recognize him if he stood next to me. But he is there still there looking for ways to get in.
The storms that hang over my head, darken my house as the power goes off again. It has happened a lot lately. It is too dark in the house for me to see anything. I keep bumping into tables and boxes. I don’t see him climbing over the wall – I won’t see him until he is inside the house, standing next to me - greeting me, like he never left!
Two of the people I met through the blogs, have family members who are also heroin addicts and they recently relapsed. A relapse by a fellow recovering addict places everything in such a clear perspective for you. This hallmark moment of easy heroin recovery is crushed when reality reminds you – nothing about this is easy!
At times like these you want to ask them: “Why…? Why would you take again? Why after fighting for so long would you ever consider the thought?” And when you hear the news you want to be angry or hurt, you want to fight with them, blame them… But it isn’t their fault. They were watching the gate. They thought the fence was protecting them. But Heroin is the one that wants to get in… Heroin is the one that will find a way in!
Day 112 – “Remembering a beautiful mind…”
Thursday, 15 March 2007
Day 112 / 35 (59) – “Remembering a beautiful mind…”
Originally posted on Day 68 on 30 January 2007… here is remembering ‘A beautiful mind’…
Addiction, as typically defined, is a reliance on a substance or behavior that the individual has little power to resist. It is further described as a “brain disease” and a “chronic relapsing disease” in that there are visible alterations in the brains of addicted individuals and these effects are long-lasting within their neurological patterns.
My name is Christiaan, some of you know me as Tristan (TB) and I am an addict.
Sometimes I struggle to come to terms with it. There is a part of me that believes this is all a bad dream and when I pinch myself I will wake up with little memory of this traumatic nightmare. There is a part of me that believes when I wake up tomorrow I will be cured. That longing will no longer be inside of me and I master the act of stopping and stopping and stopping.
There are people out there that perhaps seem a bit perplexed by the idea of addiction. How it is that a person cannot stop at one or two or three when they so easily accomplish the supposedly insignificant task themselves? I ask myself the very same question sometimes, testing myself, testing fate (if you want) to see if I have learned to stop and to stop and to stop.
I find comfort in the fact that I am asking these questions and querying these situations. As I am reminded everyday by the people that keep me sane, that keep me positive, that keep me well – I am trying to be better. I am examining my life, admitting to my problems and trying to change them. I guess you can call that recovery – so at best I’m a recovering addict.
One is too many and a thousand is never enough. These are the words that addicts live by, because for them there is no stopping at two, there is no stopping until nothing is left: No money, no family, and no life! And for addicts there will always be that longing that need to start something, just once and just once and… just once!
Day 111 – “Call him my brother!”
Wednesday, 14 March 2007
Day 111 / 34 (59) – “Call him my brother!”
I’m very fortunate that boredom rarely features on my day to day activities. Between reading my favourite blogs everyday and my own blog entries I keep busy. I do computer programming in my free time and I have my favourite TV programs that I watch every night and if I should miss it I make sure the VCR is recording.
So, overall I’m keeping myself fairly busy. Of course I’m still trying to do some of the things I haven’t done in a very long time – like cooking. My brother and I are working on a project together at the moment. I can’t give any details yet, but I promise to post the result on the blog once it is done.
My brother and I are getting along famously. I remember how worried I was about our friendship on Day 1. I guess he started off very sympathetic towards me. I mean, his older brother was going through something, which fair enough he caused himself, but nevertheless struggling to get rid off. He was always there for me. I could count on him to talk to, to listen – even though it was the last thing I wanted to do at that time.
As time went by his attitude changed. I was in this cycle of taking, getting caught, saying I’m sorry and I’ll never do it again, to taking again. Night after night he stayed in a house where you could cut the tension with a knife. He stayed among the fights and the crying and the worry - he clearly also had enough.
He said that until I got clean, really clean, things were not going to be the same between us. I couldn’t blame him. To him it must have looked as if I really didn’t want to stop. As if I wasn’t trying at all. But I was. It is still something I can’t explain to anybody. How you can say, mean and be determined to become clean, get your life in order, never take heroin again – and the first craving sends you directly to the dealer without even blinking.
In the beginning I used to say a lot that I’m sorry, because it wasn’t me. It was a drug addict saying those things, doing those things. To a drug addict there isn’t things like a brother or a mother or a father, or a son or a daughter… there is only a person to steal from, to lie to, to forget… there is only heroin.
Since my brother and I are close again I guess he too has seen that my intentions this time is true. My word still means nothing and I can’t blame anybody for that besides myself. All I can do is show them in my actions that I am changing!
Day 110 – “Kicking the Habbit”
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
Day 110 / 33 (59) – “Kicking the Habbit”
I was watching a future Prison Break Episode (Episode 10) today. One of the characters asks another: “Do you think there is a part of you that enjoys this? Being on the run and the danger and the fear and the rush and all that? It feels to me like chasing a high!”
Saying I’m an addict on this blog sometimes, I tend to classify myself as heroin addict alone. I look at other drugs and although I’ve been addicted to most of them before, after heroin they all seem like childsplay. I look at alcohol and it doesn’t seem like a problem taking a sip, drinking one. I mean, I’m a heroin addict right!?
Looking back on my life I’ve been addicted many times in my life. I’ve been addicted to gambling, to drinking, to taking drugs, hell probably even sex. I’ve been addicted to people to places, to so many things.
I’ve been addicted to the rush, to the thrill – to the high! The mission of planning, getting and organizing sometimes surpassed the feeling of the drugs themselves. I guess I still find myself addicted to that part. It is scary looking at it like that. Could staying away from drugs actually be the easy part? I know what to avoid and who to avoid to make sure my path stays clear from drugs. But around me at this very moment are all these other things that can eventually put me back at Square one – without even coming close to drugs.
Somebody pointed out to me today that the best way to get over a bad habit is to get addicted to a good one. And I don’t think that there is better proof than I am today. I got addicted to this blogging thing a long time ago. This good blogging habbit helped me to quit the bad heroin habbit and for that I am grateful.
If there is a part of me that enjoys it - the run, the danger, the fear, the rush and the high then I guess my problems are only beginning, aren’t they?
Day 109 – “Decidedly Brilliant”
Monday, 12 March 2007
Day 109 / 32 (59) – “Decidedly Brilliant”
It feels like ages since I’ve made a blog entry. I wish I could say the week went well, but I honestly don’t know how it went. Last week was just an emotional rollercoaster. One day I feel okay and the next so depressed I just want to lie in my bed, forget and be forgotten. The whole weekend I was in bed, sore, irritated, grumpy and still depressed. I would love to know what is going on!
Friday night I went to the Polokwane Show again and this time around it turned out much better. ‘Chris Chameleon’ was there and I saw him perform live for the first time. What a character! What a voice! I was shouting and screaming at the top of my voice. Definitely glad I went to see that. I met a friend there and we walked around and checked all the different stalls. As we were walking I bumped into one person I knew after another. Some meetings were only a nod by aquiantances – but definitely an improvement from the solo performance on Wednesday.
Everybody at my office decided that we were going to wear pink shirts and jeans on Friday in memory of Sheldean. Even my mom got into her jeans, or ‘squeezed’ into them, as she refers to it. It looked like our new office wear. What amazed me more was getting to the showgrounds. People were standing together against what happened to this little girl, against crime in general and you could see it in a wave of pink and blue spread across the crowd. It was like everybody got this memo before dressing to go to the show.
I’ve thought long and hard yesterday about what was happening to me. Why I was feeling this way. And I don’t really have the answers yet, but I know I’m not spending another week like this. I used to be a very optimistic, happy-clappy chap – now… I don’t know what I am. So, I’m thinking positive this week and see if it will change my frame of mind.
One thing is for sure heroin will not solve it. I’m happy to report that the thought of taking hasn’t even occurred to me. Its not an option. Doesn’t matter how I feel, how bad the pain still gets – as long as NO is the answer to the question – I’m doing brilliantly!
Day 108 – “Poll/Discussion 6”
Sunday, 11 March 2007
Day 108 / 31 (59) – “Poll/Discussion 6”
In preparation for a future blog entry I am asking the following question to get your input for the next two weeks.
Do you have any experiences with Rehab or a treatment called ‘Ibogaine’ you would like to share? Did you go to Rehab and did it help you or do you think it is a waste of time? Same goes for ‘Ibogaine’!
You can comment or send me an e-mail at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Remember if you would like this blog e-mailed to you daily please conact me and I'll add you to the mailing list.
Day 107 – “Heroin (a Poem by Mandy)”
Saturday, 10 March 2007
Day 107 / 30 (59) – “Heroin (a Poem by Mandy)”
Heroin, Heroin, with all of its glory
let me tell you about my story
Heroin, Heroin, with all of its fame
its the one I take the blame
Heroin, Heroin, feels good in my veins
and it relieves all of my pains
When I first starting shootin' it, it turned me on
now I regret it when its gone
Its only been hours since I ran out
my once soothed nerves begin to shout
I start to yawn and I sneeze
I beg my dealer" I need some PLEASE!"
I need a fix before the Jones
begins to run throughout my bones
I sweat and shiver
and my stomach begins to quiver
I puke and shit
hours after my last hit
As time goes by I get sicker and I curse
"these withdrawal symptoms only get worse!"
I thought shooting H was slick
but now I am very sick
As I wait for my dealers beep
I try to get some sleep
I pray and hope
that he will arrive with some dope
I can't wait to stick the needle in my arm
Why must I do so much harm?
These withdrawal symptoms are driving me crazy
my mind is getting hazy
Until my dealer answers my call
he tells me to meet him at the mall
I literally get on my hands and knees for this punk
he's the man who deals out my junk
I buy just enough to last a day
this should make me feel okay
I just want to feel well after this deal
who cares if I haven't any money left for a meal
I take out my needle and I boot
I start to feel it as I shoot
Within seconds I feel well
I say to myself "Oh what the hell"
the rush feels good and the Jones went away
only to return the very next day
Around and around this monkey I am chasing
my body not knowing what its facing
If I keep going at this rate
the needle will control my fate
But whenever I try to stop
the craving takes a hold of me and I flop
Its like my only lover is my dope
without it there is no hope
I become self centered caring only of me
I have no friends nor family
whenever I nod out
I can't hear the people that care shout
I keep on telling myself "I need to end this madness
this heroin business brings nothing but sadness"
I avoid all of my connections
and fight my urge for injections
If I don't stop all of this abuse
I will wind up living like a recluse
I need to kick this fucking monkey
and end my life as a junkie
To remain clean
is to avoid the heroin scene
Day 106 – “Maybe we should just be friends!”
Friday, 9 March 2007
Day 106 / 29 (59) – “Maybe we should just be friends!”
I haven’t quite been in the best of moods this week. I’ve been feeling sore and depressed and irritated the whole week. This morning when I woke up it hit me like a brick… I’m starting to get the flu. That familiar virus feeling spreading through your body is unmistakable. My immune system is pretty much non-existent still as it tries and recover from all the stuff I was injecting!
At least I think I know where the problem lies, or all of it except the depression. I’m drinking a handful filled with vitamin pills to help boost my system in the hope it will work. I already feel better just knowing where the problem lies. And after we pretty much rearranged the whole house I found my pain pills in a box at the office. Don’t ask me how it got there, but I’m just glad I found them.
It is Friday and the weekend is here. I’m watching ‘Chris Chameleon’ tonight at the Polokwane Show. I’ve missed two of his concerts in Polokwane already and this was my chance to get to see him live. I’m a big fan off all different kinds of music and like to see the artists perform live. One of my favorite types of music is house music.
Every song I hear I long for the clubs. I’m trying to get my brother or at least some of my friends to go with me to the local club. I guess I could go alone and I’m sure my parents would only slightly mind, but for everybody’s peace of mind I’d rather go with some supervision.
Anyway, you’ll all be glad to know besides the lurking flue and mounting depression I’m feeling very well with no desire to involve heroin in my life again. I’m going out of the house and hopefully will be meeting new people along the way. As for missing relationships, I guess most relationships starts with friends anyway. So, I’ll focus on making some new friends for now and strengthen the ties with my existing friends.
I just hope heroin hasn’t destroyed that part of me!
Day 105 – “Travelling to nowhere!”
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Day 105 / 28 (59) – “Travelling to nowhere!”
The Polokwane show started yesterday. I went primarily for the live performances they had there. However, I was all alone! I wasn’t alone because I chose not to have anybody with me, even though I guess at times I would make myself believe that. No, I was alone because out of all the people I knew, all the acquaintances I had only a handful of them remained. And searching between them I probably wouldn’t find anybody to share this moment with.
This whole week has been one depressing thought after another. It’s not just the thought of being alone in my sexual or relationship life, its being alone in my friendship life. I saw somebody last night that reminded me so much of my ex. I sent an SMS to say that I missed my EX and got a reply back that the feeling was mutual. That was a bit unexpected. Just too bad the relationship never worked out and now the distance between us makes it impossible.
I took a break form the usual blog routine. Actually a break from anything routine in my life – except going to work. I just needed… I don’t know... a holiday! Since this whole addiction started, before my parents knew, before I even knew I had a problem - I haven’t had a day off. It has been working and recovering or trying at least for long over a year. And with all the stuff at work I can’t really take a break now so it will continue like this for a few more weeks.
Let’s say by some miracle I do get off, where would I honestly go with the huge debt free salary I get to deposit into my bank account every month? And yes, friends that is my attempt at sarcasm. And staying at home is really no holiday either. As much as I love my family I’ve been locked away with them for way too long.
And if I ignored the bunch of debtors on my tail and spent money on a holiday I’m sure I’d leave my family behind worrying if I was okay. Was I contacting one of the dealer’s brothers or uncles or nephews spread across the country for my next fix?
I guess then its good that I can’t take off from work. This way I don’t have to face any of those difficult decisions and everybody can rest easily, well, almost everybody!
Day 104 – “Digging up the Money Tree”
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
Day 104 / 27 (59) – “Digging up the Money Tree”
I’m afraid I have to report that I don’t feel much better today. I don’t know what is going on. If this is because of the alcohol this past weekend, I guess I brought it on myself, but it is slightly unexpected. Feels like a train hit me last night again – a big one. I’m irritated, sore, depressed… arggggg….
And to put the icing on the cake I lost a whole bottle of pain pills. Last I remember the pills were in my room and when I checked on Monday the whole bottle was gone. I’ve turned my room and most of the house upside down searching for it – with no luck.
It is not overlay expensive pills but it is hard to come by. Its natural pain pills because I can’t really take anything else. At the rate I sometimes have to take them I’ll get addicted to that as well. It specifically targets the leg and muscle pain I’ve been having – which is my worst symptoms. Of course, feeling like this everyday is still a reminder of my foolishness to take heroin again.
As I was looking for the pills yesterday I found it quite scary. Here I was looking for a box of pills that cost me around the same as a hit of heroin used to cost. And to think there was a time I spent that amount 2-3 times a day – EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can’t begin to imagine the amount of money I have spent on drugs on in my lifetime.
Of course, I am still paying most of it off. My salary every month goes directly to the parents and I get a few rands every week to spend when I go out. That is probably one of the hardest things. I was used to spending money anytime, anywhere. Now, I have to ask for an allowance again. Even though my whole salary goes to them, they still pay a huge portion of it out of their own bank account every month. So, I’m really grateful.
Somebody asked me yesterday how much debt I have. To be honest with you, I haven’t checked in a while and I’m not really up for it. It will be too depressing. At least now I have this misguided perception that I’m actually making financial progress. I wouldn’t want to burst that bubble.
Day 103 – “Unlikely love”
Tuesday, 6 March 2007
Day 103 / 26 (59) – “Unlikely love”
Yesterday was quite a good day at work even for a Monday. I am really enjoying it there. We are getting busy but strangely we seem to get more work done than at the other building. I think maybe it is because we have a new boss that checks up on us. I must say as much I enjoyed my job at the previous building, I can’t wait to get to work in the mornings now. I’m very fortunate in that way I guess. Many people dread going to their job every day.
The day went pretty well until I got home. I sat on the couch thinking how wonderful it would have been if I had somebody here to share this day with. To just sit here, stare at the ceiling or each other and talk about the events of our day together. I miss that, in a friend and in a love.
But as you’ll get to know aswell, I’m very impatient. Always want things to happen today. And in the same way I guess I wanted my life back yesterday already. This whole weekend was filled with people in love and on the verge of getting ingaged, getting married, having children. The whole time I’m thinking JUST SLOW DOWN… I still have to find somebody. All these unlikely people that find love, that settle down, doing it long before I can ever dream of it.
I felt quite sorry for myself last night and decided to sleep it off and see how I feel this morning. I woke up this morning still thinking about all of it, but perhaps just with a bit more clarity. I’ve been sitting at home for the past, I don’t know how long. And its my own fault. If it wasn’t for the lapses things could have been different already. I can only go out now, meet new people again and experience things (non drug related). I should give myself some time, even though I’m impatient to get on with my life. And who knows… If I’m really lucky I’ll find somebody to just sit with, stare at the each other and talk about our day.
Day 102 – “What they did wrong?”
Monday, 5 March 2007
Day 102 / 25 (59) – “What they did wrong?”
We had lunch yesterday with my brother’s soon to be inlaws. It was quite an interesting and eventful day. It was the first time I’ve actually spent a whole afternoon with all of them and I would welcome them to the family any day. The subject of my heroin addiction came up, as it is common knowledge in most of our families. Since one of their family members had the problem, their dad as somebody who technically speaks from experience had a chat with me.
He said two things to me. One which I’ve come to know as truth since starting my recovery and something completely new to me that maybe I’ve never thought of before.
The one thing he said to me was that this choice lay with me. No matter what I did, what happened, who tried to do what for me. In the end the decision to take or not to take lay in my hands and mine alone. If I really wanted to – no force on earth would stop me to get it. He saw it in his family – I knew it to be true in mine.
But the second part of the conversation caught me off guard. I knew my parents probably blamed me many times for the pain and destruction I caused the whole family. None of them started using heroin but all of them were thrown into this whirlpool of affects due to heroin abuse. What I never considered was that maybe at a time my parents thought it is all THEIR fault?
Could they really have been asking themselves all this time what they did wrong? Where they slipped up? I guess all parents want the best for their children and this life wasn’t exactly the best for me. I haven’t been the most model of kids after high school. I shocked them year after year with yet another truth that probably made them wonder what they did wrong?
My parents haven’t read the blog yet. I’m hoping they’ll start soon and whenever or wherever they start to read it, they’ll get to this day eventually. I want them to read this entry and remember...
Not the bad things I’ve done, thinking that they could or should have done something differently, because nothing they did or said could have changed the course of these events. I’m hoping it all happened for a reason, and so it would have found a way to happen, anyway. I want them to remember what a strong boy they raised. Able to make his own mistakes and more importantly learn from them. Able to count his losses and rise up from them more determined, more positive – and stronger. That is the boy they raised – and in my eyes there is nothing wrong with that.
Day 101 – “101 ways”
Sunday, 4 March 2007
Day 101 / 24 (59) – “101 ways”
A hundred and one. They always have these books on a 101 ways to understand your wife or a 101 ways to make love or a 101 ways to have fun. Donald Trump published a book on a 101 ways to make a success and I’m sure if Oprah Winfrey published one her research on a 101 ways to lose weight – would come in very handy. The point is, a 101 is normally associated with… well… Dalmatians and improvement in some way or form.
So, accordingly I thought of ways to improve my own life. I’ve spend the last 100 days trying to overcome one of the most difficult things every thrown my way. I know that I’m nowhere close to be okay yet but I think I can safely work on ways to improve my life a bit.
I don’t have a 101 things yet, but I have a few and I think I’ll spend the next 101 days working on them a bit. Firstly, I’m definitely going out more. To the mall, to the movies, to the clubs to the snake park if I have to… but I desperately need to get out of this house a bit more. Secondly, I would love to write more as it is something I deeply love. These two items have led to my other blog containing a bit more stories about my daily life in my hometown. If you like this blog I hope you’ll check in there aswell. Thirdly I want to catch up with some of my friends again. I still have so many friendships that were hurt during my heroin use and a lot of them need a lot of work.
And lastly the thing I want to do most this year is learn how to cook. I make a mess of eggs at the moment so it is not going to be an easy lesson. I’ve also found it so interesting. To me it is just like writing or like taking photos (which I like as well). Every dish is the creation of a story told by every bite. I’m sure a lot of moms forced to do tedious cooking every night will disagree with that statement. Even so, I want to learn how to do that – without poising my family.
There a lot more stuff to work on and in another 101 days I hope to report back that I’ve started on most on them. In the mean time we’ll continue with the 101 ways to stop taking heroin.
