Monday, 23 April 2007
Day 150 / 74 - "5 months"
Today is Day 150 in My Heroin Recovery. It was 5 months ago I started this blog and this road to recovery and I have never looked back. I wish that every human being caught in the clutches of heroin can have the strength to overcome this – sooner than later!
I told you before one of my friends passed away from heroin. Last week, it was 7 months ago that he passed away. My 5 months in recovery feels like ages. Like I’ve been living 5 years in this time trying to fix everything and slowly get my life back. Contrasting to me, his parents see their 7 months as ‘just the other day their son passed away’.
I wish that his death would have meant more to me at the time it happened. It could have saved me two months and thousands of rands in drug money. But I think that in the end his death did have a role in my heroin recovery – even if it was a bit late!
There are a lot of reasons why I’m still continuing this road. I do it for myself. Personally, I don’t think I can live that life again. Looking back on those days I realize just how meaningless my life was. How every minute of every day was there only so that I could score again. Work became a means to make money to buy heroin. Life became minutes and hours counting down to my next hit of heroin.
I do it for my parents. If I were given another 2 lifetimes I would not be able to repay them for everything they have done for me. I put them through hell at times when I was too high to care what was going on around me. For them, I’ll do it any day.
And to people like my friend that passed away and to his parents. Their son didn’t have a second chance like I did. I got a chance to do it for everybody out there that never made it that far. The least I can do with my chance is use it!
Thank you all for listening to my story. For the support you’ve all given me. To the comments you give me when I need to hear I’ll make it and that things will be okay again. I do this for you, for those of you that read today perhaps with a better understanding towards addiction, for my friends, for my family, for my parents and still above all – I do this for myself!
Day 150 - "5 months"
Day 147 - "Changing Tactics"
Friday, 20 April 2007
Day 147 / 71 - "Changing Tactics"
Next week I’m changing the routine of my life a whole lot. I am strangely excited by the prospects of a week that isn’t a typical week in TB’s life.
I am staying with a friend for three days while her ‘better other’ (as she calls him) is out of town. This means the daily routine I’ve been accustomed to will change considerably from Sunday to Tuesday. Waking up at different times, different place, different people and different way to work. Luckily she is a blogger aswell and they have internet – so at least I can keep you updated! Apparently I have to use my non existent cooking skills to prepare her something the weekend. How long do you microwave ‘two minute noodles” again?
Next week would have been a 4 day work week for me, but I decided to extend my long weekend even longer and take an extra day off on Thursday – just because I can! So, my work week will be 3 days. I would have liked to take off next Monday making my weekend a stupendous 5 days – but regrettably month-end is next Monday and there is no way I can miss that.
For some reason everything decides to go wrong when I take off on a month-end day. And then I spend the one half of the day over the phone and the other half back at the office. I’d rather save myself the trouble and stay at the office!
I decided that next week I’m switching my days and doing things everyday I wouldn’t normally do on that day. Even this weekend, I am thinking of doing something I wouldn’t normally do on a Saturday or Sunday. At this moment I am still clueless as to what that might be, but I’m sure it will make for interesting writing next week.
I’m guessing by the 1st of March I’m going to beg for my old borring routine life back again. Who knows!
Day 146 - "Hindsight"
Thursday, 19 April 2007
Day 146 / 70 - "Hindsight"
I did a post a while back, probably in the first 50 days, about how foolish I was to start taking heroin. And it sounds like a dumb statement, because any person that tries it, is pretty foolish. But I was foolish because around me I had so many signs warning me of how dangerous it was.
My friend was a heroin addict at the time. The kind that was living for one thing and one thing alone – his daily fix. I didn’t get to see him a lot of the time, because he felt too bad to do anything. A feeling I would myself perfect in the months to follow. I saw him everyday at the mercy of a drug dealer’s little baggy of powder. To think that small amount of anything can bring a person to his knees. I wouldn’t completely understand it then – not as I do now.
I got a book from him, a book which he read before. He even met the author, Steve Hamilton. The book is called ‘I want my life back’. Which is a true story (to the best of his recollection) of his life as a drug addict and more specifically a heroin addict. Reading it sent chills down my spine. His life was so real to me, because I was living it through my friend.
I read the book from start to finish. It was the only book on Heroin Addiction I read before I started to inject heroin. I was already occasionally smoking it at that time. And still after all I saw everyday and all I read about the dangers of it – I still fell into its trap.
I know my stories have helped a few people and I thank those that let me know exactly how it impacted their lives. I guess there are people out there that will read this and know it will never happen to them. They know the dangers and they stay away from it. But there will be the few that will say, maybe I can try it once, I just want to see what it feels like, I just want to see what the fuss is about. Somebody like I was!
“One is too many, a thousand is never enough!”
Day 145 - "Message in a bottle"
Wednesday, 18 April 2007
Day 145 / 69 - "Message in a bottle"
My good mood still continues. I find it almost like a ball rolling down a snowy mountain. The more turns it makes the larger it gets. My good mood seems to multiply and it wants to expand till I want to explode. One bubbly burst of breezy fun. This is how I remember myself. I finally found myself again and the mere fact that I know this – improves it even more.
I thought last night how I would definitely recommend blogging as a recovery tool in addicts. It is a shame that not all people like to read or write. But I guess that’s why they have people to talk to in Rehab as well. I figure it’s like putting a message in a bottle and let it drift out to the sea. You put your emotions out there and the knowledge that you shared it makes you feel so much better.
I don’t think there is a better way to put it out there, than writing about it. And the thing about a daily blog is, it’s not the summarized version of your recovery. It doesn’t have all the juicy details that sell award winning books. It is the daily ups and downs and sometimes it’s just like a soap that doesn’t quite get to the climax of the story. So, perhaps I might still turn the whole story into a book. Of course, it would be a story of recovery and I’m still pretty much in the middle of it.
This coming Monday I will be on Day 150, which is technically 5 months in recovery. And I think I can honestly say these have been the longest 5 months of my life. I really hope in this 5 months there has been at least one day every person has read this, where they realized the destruction of heroin, the control it gets over your life and the grip it has on it forever.
My bottles of messages are drifting in this ocean and people are getting them. With each one heroin’s grip on my life is loosened. With each one another life spared from the same fate. That’s reason for a good mood!
Day 144 - "Getting up"
Tuesday, 17 April 2007
Day 144 / 68 - "Getting up"
This weekend I thought that after a day at the office things might turn out different. That maybe the optimism I felt this weekend was short lived and that I would return to my depro, negative self as soon as the week started. I am extremely pleased to announce – that was not the case!
I said what I had to say yesterday and I’m hoping that even in my blogging the excellent mood I am in is clearly visible. I want to stand on top of the world and shout ‘Hooha…’ or something less Al Pacino.
I finally went to Mugg and Bean on Friday night after weeks of delays. I love the place. Once again I find myself totally mesmerized with restaurants, new places and people. One of my favourite things to do is stand in Menlyn mall and look at all the different people around me. You get the strangest characters sometimes. I love that about Gauteng. In Polokwane everything is weird. The slightest deviation from the normal and people check you out like you have the plague.
And of course Polokwane is small enough so that word gets around. People I haven’t seen or spoken to in years suddenly know I’m a heroin addict. People start to say ‘Did you hear?’ when my name is mentioned. Did you hear he is a heroin addict? Did you here how bad he looks? Did you hear he took again? Did you hear? Did you hear? Did you hear?
And where most will probably not take the time to find out how it is actually going, the most important one of them all will never forget! They say that failing is not in the falling down, but in the staying down. If that is so, then I have one thing to say: “Did you hear? I have fallen but I have gotten up!”
Day 143 - "Half full or half empty"
Monday, 16 April 2007
Day 143 / 67 - "Half full or half empty"
“Is the glass half full or half empty?”
I always figured myself as a ‘half full’ kinda guy. Somehow no matter what life threw my way I found the silver lining. I believed there is good in everybody and everybody should be given a chance – a slightly gullable quality I later realized. And the person I was 2 years ago, even though not pleased with the circumstances and lack of meaningful activities the city provided, would have found the silver lining in every situation.
The person I was 2 years ago would have written the blog on Friday and my defining optimism would have been engraved in every line. The truth is I am not that person any more. And for a long time I didn’t think I would ever be that person again. And by ‘that person’ I don’t mean clean from heroin, we are way passed that. I mean, happy, content, alive, in love, wacky, crazy, funky… all those things that used to be me. All those things that on the worst of days you could still find somewhere inside of me.
The worst thing in the world is knowing who you are inside and out, but you can’t seem to be that person again. You always feel like you’re standing on the wrong side of a glass wall. You can see who you are, you can almost touch him, that’s how close you are – but something is still keeping you.
For the first time in ages, I am sitting here and I don’t really know where to start or where to end. I found something over the weekend. Something which I had all along, but it was staring me in the face from the other side of a glass wall. And if I knew what it was that brought it back to me, I would bottle it up and sell it to the world, because every one deserves the chance to find themselves again.
You see, I used heroin for a very long time before I got to the day where I decided to try and stop. It didn’t come soon and it didn’t come easy – but I believe it came at the time it was meant to be. For more than 7 months after that I tried every single day to stop – and every single day I failed. And one day, 143 days ago, I woke up and said “this is the day”. It didn’t come easy and it didn’t come soon, but it came – at exactly the time it was meant to be.
This weekend I woke up and that huge weight on my shoulders disappeared. And no, it is not heroin or cravings or depression. I know those won’t just magically disappear over night. It’s that pessimism that have been running through my vains as heroin used to do. It is that feeling that you’ve reached your peak and it is all downhill from hereon. Its that thing keeping you down when everything else in your life says you are doing good, you are doing better! It’s gone!
It is a difficult thing to explain to somebody that hasn’t been involved with heroin, but perhaps there are still many that relate. For something to have a hold on you, even when its long gone. You feel it’s grip every single day, no matter how well it might be going with you. And then one day, at exactly the time it was meant to be, you find it has loosened it’s grip on your life. Your glass is finally half full again!
Day 140 - "Mundane"
Friday, 13 April 2007
Day 140 / 64 - "Mundane"
Planning to go out consists of a serious of questions I ask in my head long before I even consider asking my parents. Anything that will warrant an explanation is normally skipped, as I’m really tired of fighting, explaining or rationalizing my actions. Activities done with certain of my friends is normally okay, but should I wish to go out alone or with somebody they don’t know it usually creates issues again.
If I actually do go out, I have to be picked up or borrow my mom’s car. After the accident earlier the year, they think I’ve lost the ability to drive, and always fear I’m now suddenly going to have an accident every time I go out. If I’m 5 minutes late – I have to hear, how they were worried something happened to the car. The car!
So, I stay at home. No issues, no worries. In the best of times in Polokwane, before the whole addiction I found myself bored out of my mind. I just wanted to break away to Pretoria or Jo-burg, hell even a trip to Tzaneen was a change from this place. In the words of Casper De Vries, think Zimbabwe divided by 3, and then you’ll have some vague idea of Polokwane.
I miss going out and just being somewhere, I miss meeting new people, and I miss a life that isn’t just a bunch of replicated behaviors. It is like I keep to this tight schedule of activities that barely keeps me sane, weekdays, weekends, public holidays – everything has become this mundane task. Am I falling out of the buss here or is this what other people experience as well?
Don’t get me wrong. It is not boredom. I have enough to do at home. I can keep myself busy for weeks with whatever I have around me. And in that lies my problem – “the around me”, my surroundings, the few walls I’m able to be! It is Friday and perhaps the reason again for feeling to strong about this today. Yet another Friday, yet another weekend, yet another set of tasks with only minor deviation!
Day 139 - "9 Lives"
Thursday, 12 April 2007
Day 139 / 63 - "9 Lives"
Over my child and adult hood I have had one pet. We’ve had a lot of dogs and as much as they were part of the family and we loved them, my cat was MY PET. She is a bright white wild Persian cat that we got while we stayed in Phalaborwa. For many years in her life I was her owner and she hardly let anybody else touch her, stroke her or get near her.
I liked that quality about her. Like we belonged to each other and nobody else. Nobody would ever take her away from me and nobody would ever take me away from her. She is now more than 16 years old and although slightly slower than she was in her earlier years there is nothing wrong with her. She sleeps, like most cats do a lot of the time and still loves to come and sit next to me doesn’t matter what I do. If I’m typing on the keyboard, if I’m writing at the table, reading on the bed, lying and watching television – she always comes and lies right smack on top of me or on top of the stuff I’m busy with.
She was sick for a while. She could hardly walk or eat properly and I feared the worst. This happened round about the time I was just 2 weeks clean. I didn’t even want to think of losing her, especially then… I don’t know what would have happened if I did lose her. I was afterall still very much an addict – ready to dull any emotion with heroin
Lately she hasn’t been well and we took her to the Vet today. She was last at the vet 2 years ago with roughly the same problem. Because she is a white cat she gets cancer quite easily. Her ear really looks bad because of it and she has cancer in her nose as well. She is staying overnight and they will be cutting a piece of her ear and try and relieve the blockage in her nose.
Having to face this sickness, possible death or even death – it’s not something one want to think about, but that doesn’t make it go away. At the best of times I find myself with that slight longing or craving towards the thing that made it all better – heroin. I have to say that the thought of losing somebody close to me is just the worst thing I can imagine to happen. I fear the emotions, the sorrow, the pain – but most of all I fear what I’ll do to get rid of it!
Day 138 - "Cravings"
Wednesday, 11 April 2007
Day 138 / 62 - "Cravings"
I don’t really get cravings any more – at least not like I did in the beginning. The dreams, the nightmares, the thoughts of taking, that longing for heroin – all of it is pretty much gone. On occasion I get a day where it hits me. It doesn’t have to be when I’m walking past a place or see people that I used to connect to heroin. Sometimes it happens in the most unlikely of places.
It happens and this overwhelming part of me… wants it, needs it, and longs for it again. I wish I knew where that part of me was, what it was that triggers it. I just know that the slightest gap I give myself on those days I will fall.
The scary thing is that there is nothing anybody can ever do to prevent it. No matter who I have around me, how much they check up on me – it all comes down to me. Nobody can watch me 24/7, I don’t except them to. It can happen at any time, at any moment and it can all happen in my head. A choice between two little words: Yes or No!
What I have learned from my repetitious behavior over the long period I have used heroin is that after you’ve made that choice – there is no turning back. Once you’ve answered yes, you will lie and betray and steal to get heroin. Just one choice, one little unspoken word and you’re back at Square 1.
I try and remember that I started this Recovery broken, hurt, depressed – weak. And as each day passed that I said No once again I grew stronger and stronger. I get days where those two words squeals in my head and I am so thankful that I still find it somewhere inside of me to say “No”. As you all know, on occasion I made the wrong choice and even then in those darker days I am eternally grateful that the mistake stopped at once.
I guess I cheer myself up with the thought that I’ve made amazing progress – even if I say so myself. Progress, perhaps further than most have managed at this point in their Recovery. Temptation lies around us all at times when we least expect it. But our true strength lies in the ability to say “No”, even those times when everything else says “Yes!”
Day 137 - "Bargaining with the Devil (remembering)"
Tuesday, 10 April 2007
Day 137 / 61 - "Bargaining with the Devil (remembering)"
Originally posted on 16 January 2007, here is “Bargaining with the Devil”…
I hurt myself with a knife today.
Deeper marks different from the way I would normally play.
Marks to prove I was still alive, I could still feel the pain,
which after all of this bleeding I still contain.
I am dangerously close to stepping over this line.
This line of things and of people that I would normally decline.
Things I would never even dare to discover,
lying in my reach… in undecided hover.
I remember the feeling. I remember the time
when doing these things were a much bigger crime.
Perhaps not by law but by moral degree
were those substances we now too often see.
Dulled by habit and expensive addiction.
Fuelled by issues and dayly friction.
Kept alive through instigation.
Drugged to forget our obligation.
Organs damaged beyond restoration
to dance and dance till dehydration.
Calling the devil for my assasination.
Today it is me the devil is greeting.
After countless years of avoiding this meeting.
It is fate that has brought me here to accomplish my goal.
I am here to sell my soul!
To try the things of which I”ve always pondered
and to get the answers of which I’ve always wondered.
I am being chased by the dragon across the line
shaking hands with the devil for one last time.
There is no turning back from this poison I spray
While I hurt myself with a knife today!
Day 136 - "Where are you now? (remembering)"
Monday, 9 April 2007
Day 136 / 60 - "Where are you now? (remembering)"
Originally posted on 26 February 2007. This is to my friend… before any of us were addicted!
Where are you now, my friend?
Why don’t you see me sitting here crying? Would your new friend even allow you to care? Look at me! Look at me! Please… I need to make you understand!
Where are you now my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me. Their green eyes remind me so much of you. They are hazed eyes, clouded eyes staring back at me. Hazed, yet not confused at all. The world seems so clear to him and so confusing to me in an apparent balancing effect. He has the flawed perspective of a perfect world and the theoretical equation to achieve it. Today he has all the answers and yet he has lost everything.
What are you feeling now, my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me. His experiences lies new to me now, to me forever. I feel closer to him now than anybody ever before, but nobody has ever been more of a stranger than he is to me now.
What are you hearing now, my friend?
Someone is lying here next to me, listening. But he can’t hear my pleads. He is listening to the calling of something much louder and stronger than I can ever be. Shall I try harder, shall I scream on the top of my lungs or shall I prepare myself for the inevitable “I told you so!”
Will I ever see you again or will this stranger be my new company? Will we ever be friends again or have you replaced me with hurriedly hurting heroin.
Where are you now, my friend?
P.S) Back on Wednesday
Day 135 - "Happy Birthday"
Sunday, 8 April 2007
Day 135 / 59 (59) - "Happy Birthday"
Well, it is Sunday and I’m quickly popping in to say Happy Birthday to my Dad, who turns 50 today. I think that before this whole heroin thing he probably looked a lot less like a 50 year old man and my actions no doubt aged both my parents by quite a number of years in the past few months.
They prove everyday just how lucky I am to have them as parents. I can not ask for anybody better. And while I write this, they are out of town and will only return tomorrow (Monday) showing once again the trust and faith they have in me.
Enjoy the last day of your long weekend tomorrow!
P.S) Back on Wednesday
Day 134 - "Reset and Forget"
Saturday, 7 April 2007
Day 134 / 58 (59) - "Reset and Forget"
Redo. Reset. Clean. Erase. Format. Any of these will work.
Its one of the things I like most about computers. Doesn’t matter what stupid thing you’ve installed on your computer or virus you get from the internet. You know that once you press that button everything will be okay. Sure, some things really get broken and a simple reset might not work, but you kinda know in the back of your mind that in the end you will figure it out.
I’ve pressed my reset button many times, trying to clear the mess I’ve made once again. And on the computer, much like my real life, I tend to install all kinds of weird things testing it out, seeing what will work. Sometimes ignoring the warnings that both windows or my anti-virus program gives me.
The bad thing about cleaning your computer, formatting your hard drive or anything that severe is that unless you have backups of the important stuff you are bound to lose some data. And in computers I sometimes welcome the loss of data. Less time to sort everything out, less space taken up by huge chunks of everything. Less chaos.
I’ve been very fortunate that my life has come with a restart button. I got to start over in a way. Unfortunately life unlike computers doesn’t lose the data. Doesn’t matter how many times you press that button it remembers.
Its raining. A bit more than sporadic droplets darkening the world around me. Darker ground. Darker skies. Darker mood. Alone with your thoughts and your memories, thinking, how you just want to press restart, maybe this time you’ll lose some data and forget!
Day 133 - "Crawling (by Linkin Park)"
Friday, 6 April 2007
Day 133 / 57 (59) - "Crawling (by Linkin Park)"
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
To find myself again
Day 132 - "It’s the weekend, baby!"
Thursday, 5 April 2007
Day 132 / 56 (59) - "It’s the weekend, baby!"
I am really looking forward to this weekend. We are closing early today which rarely happens these days and My dad is turning 50 on Sunday and they are going to his brother for the weekend.
I decided to take time this weekend to catch up on some of my computer programming, writing and movies and all that other stuff I keep postponing. And since my parents aren’t here the weekend I’m making breakfast. This way I can make a mess as much as I want – as long as it is clean before Sunday night. I’m thinking bacon, eggs, sausages, toast, maybe some pancakes due to the wet weather we’ve been having.
My parents are a bit concerned going away for a weekend and leaving me almost unsupervised (for lack of a better word). I say a bit because I guess the doubt is always there. One never knows what the decisions are I could make on a day. We all just hope it can go as good as it has been going. But this is great practice for July. My parents are going on holiday for 2 weeks in July to visit family.
And if July goes without incident I am planning to go away for a week after that. I don’t know where yet, but it will depend on what the finances will allow. I just know that I deserve a few days away from this place. I deserve to go somewhere where I’ve always wanted to go or haven’t been in a long time.
Anyway, that’s the holiday schedule. I hope you have a fantastic weekend and that you get to spend it with family or friends.
Day 131 - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"
Wednesday, 4 April 2007
Day 131 / 55 (59) - "Dear Diary: How it's going?"
Dear Diary
Let me tell you how it’s going…
Physically
Mornings are still pretty bad. I wake up and lie in bed for almost an hour working up the courage to face the day. I think it must be the lying throughout the night that makes everything ache in the mornings. But as soon as I do get up and get moving it all disappears only returning just before I go to bed. I am trying to gain weight. I weighed 62kgs just a short while ago (and this for a guy that is almost 2 meters tall) but I have worked myself up to 69kgs. Now, I’m seriously trying to gain some weight and work on my fitness, which should help with those morning wake ups.
Emotionally
My emotions are still like a ride at an amusement park. Up and down, up and down, over and over again. One day I’m optimistic and happy and active and the next I’m something completely different. Slowly I can feel balance returning to the roller coaster and I can control most of what happens to me.
Relationship
I made a few posts on finding love and happiness and how it was important to me and
ow I felt I would never find it. I even contacted my ex and for a while it seemed as if things might actually work out in the end. Right now, it doesn’t look like it ever will – but I’m not bothered by it all. Still want it, still feel I might not get it – but I think I’m more optimistic now and at least trying.
Financially
We paid some of my accounts yesterday and after spending every sent I earned and most of the money my mother earned I still didn’t even pay everything. So, once again I’m expecting numerous ‘private number’ calls and warning SMSes throughout the month. The silver lining, however, is that one of my accounts was fully paid and closed yesterday. One down, Six thousand nine hundred and forty-two to go… hehehe
Family
I think we still have our ups and downs. But they know I’m trying my best to get my life back. They are still helping me in so many ways that I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay them. They are still cautious sometimes: If I’m acting weird or depressed or anything that looks out of the ordinary they are quick to check up on me. But I know it only helps me in the end to stay on the correct path.
General
Overall I think I’m doing brilliantly even if I say so myself. Who knew that the unhygienic, heroin addicted, stealing, cheating and manipulating guy that started this blog would eventually start getting his life back? You get days in this recovery when you can’t really say why you stopped. Bad days when you feel that the meaningless junky life you were leading was actually better than what you were trying to do now. And then you get days like today when it all makes sense again!
Day 130 - "A last resort"
Tuesday, 3 April 2007
Day 130 / 54 (59) - "A last resort"
Almost every heroin story I have ever read has either started or ended with Rehab. Every character with their struggle towards addiction faced the Rehab Center in some way or form. Some only once, some a lucky twice, others have spent more time in them than out.
I didn’t go! There were a lot of reasons. I kept saying I could do it without Rehab, this survival instinct inside of me that knew my limits and knew I hadn’t reached them yet. Work was another influence. We were extremely busy and under staffed at work. Having me gone even for a week was something the business couldn’t afford. But most people knew my situation and were supportive and helped to ‘keep watch’ and keep me in line. As I kept slipping up everybody was slowly realizing that the only way would eventually be to send me away. If I couldn’t stay clean this time – Rehab was the next stop.
It almost sounds like a threat, like Rehab was something to fear. In a way, I guess it was to me. Going to Rehab meant that I had to admit I wasn’t strong enough. What I’ve realized in my 130 days is that there is no shame in admitting that. Most people will never have the strength to get through this. Infact, I still find myself questioning somedays whether I have the strength!
Rehab to all of us was a last resort. I didn’t really want to go and my parents didn’t want to send me. In the end I gave it one last try. I had about 2 months to get clean – to prove I could stay clean. If I couldn’t do that, show them, show myself – I would willingly go.
Whether this was empty threats by my parents or the last resort of exhausted possibilities - I don’t know. Whether this reluctance towards Rehab was part of the motivation to get clean or part of the strength to stay clean – I don’t know. If it was, I guess Rehab did help me in a way. By not going, not wanting to go, not wanting to admit that maybe I needed to go – I didn’t have to go in the end!
P.S) If you like this blog and don't believe in FEEDREADER then contact me on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za to have it mailed to you daily
Day 129 - "My few minutes (continued...)"
Monday, 2 April 2007
Day 129 / 53 (59) - "My few minutes (continued...)"
To quickly start where I ended off earlier today I have always found my blog to be a pretty topical blog without the flooding of entries that makes a feedreader hang while it updates. Everybody has their own way I guess.
As much as blogging helps me with my emotions every day you get those times when you just want to forget. You want to forget you’re a lot of things, things you haven’t even shared with a lot of people. You want to forget you’re a heroin addict. You want to forget you’re depressed. For one day, one week, you just want to be – that boy again. That blonde curly haired boy with absolutely no worries in the world.
I’ve thought a lot about the things I want to say this week and absolutely none of it makes sense to me. My mind is like an atom bomb that exploded. Destruction, particles, distress every where! It’s the chaos after the storm.
So, I guess my explanation is that I needed something different for a change. Hopefully when you read further the rest of the week this will make more sense to you. If it does – I hope you’ll explain it to me. I needed a break from the routine in my life. This is something that has been creeping on me for weeks and last week it just got too much.
Its weird, it was actually helpful in a way. I needed some time off from thinking about what is happening to me, time off from sharing it or talking about or even thinking about it! And as relaxing as the time was doing ‘other things’ - in the end it just got my mind more cloudy. So, I’m not sure if the posts of this week are going to make any sense. If they don’t then luckily you’ve only wasted a few minutes!
What I do know is that already after writing these two posts I feel much better. I guess that’s why it is so important to go to support meetings, although we don’t have them here.
It was a month ago that I said my life would drastically change and I would do the things I’ve been meaning to do for so long. Unfortunately not much has changed yet. After almost a 130 days in recovery I know one thing now better than ever – this is still going to take a while!
Day 129 - "My few minutes"
Monday, 2 April 2007
Day 129 / 53 (59) - "My few minutes"
I've always seen it as my few minutes. A few minutes to tell my story. I imagine we’re working in a big building. We don’t know exactly on which floor the others are working but we know it is somewhere in the building. Or maybe we know exactly which floor but we’d never find each other among the hundreds of busy cubicles. We have this - these few minutes in the lobby of our building to exchange pleasantries for the day. A few minutes to get to know each other, to get inside each other’s heads. A few words to portray our mood or purpose. My few minutes!
I’ve never been one to blog excessively on one day. Sure, you’ve mostly gotten at least one post from me on a day. I say what I have to say, what I want to say – sometimes what I need to say. I have a few minutes, a few words, phrases, ideas and then its over until we meet each other in the lobby the next morning. Some days our messages don’t come across that easily. Maybe we get days where what we want to say is so difficult to express that we have difficulty finding the words. Which is scary because words are what we describe best with.
Perhaps we only give each other a glance but the crowd sweeps us away to the elevator or perhaps in our hurry we blast past without even noticing the other there. After all we only have a few minutes.
I remember having a diary once. I was going through something difficult in my life, even back then, and my diary was the one that was always ready to listen. I never got any response back, but just to have somebody there to listen was enough. Blogging is like my diary used to be. It’s a lot more open and vulnerable to the opinions and the comments of other real people – which I guess makes it all the more effective!
I’ve been gone for a week. Slightly pulling a disappearing act. Which weirdly enough leaves you with a whole week of stuff to catch up on in the lobby. A whole week of accumulated emotions and stories – all to tell in the few minutes. I wish I could stand here the whole day and forget about everything else. Maybe then I’ll understand – maybe then somebody else will.
I haven’t really told you how it’s going yet. The counter is still counting so it can’t be going that bad – right. Right now, I’ll need more than a few minutes to find out exactly how it’s going. I have to hurry towards the elevator but I’ll be back a bit later with a second post! Maybe I’ll find the answers today!
P.S) I am so glad to be back and catch up on all your lives again. This post continues a bit later this morning.
Day 128 – “I can't sleep!”
Sunday, 1 April 2007
Day 128 / 52 (59) – “I can't sleep!”
I can’t sleep, again! That place of comfort that I went to every night before praying, got lost somewhere, somehow. The escape pod that waited next to my bed to transport me away from this world to that place of comfort, lay in pieces - not even my dreams spared. The guardian angel that looked over my head and guarded over my body while I slept, hung from the wall dripping blood on my face.
It’s my rope, its my fingerprints, its still my fault!
Something is moving up my leg. I need no degree in biology to determine the specie. Even the most deprived individual knows when a snake moves up its leg. Any person can feel the scaly skin of the slithering snake eating at your flesh, leaving an acid-trail of breadcrumbs to find its way back! I can feel the poison boiling in its body; I can see it, waiting to be released on my flesh, eating at it until there is nothing left. There is already nothing left!
My nails colour my white body with blood as it pierces deep into my flesh digging for some remaining self-respect that wasn’t dried out or taken. My bloody fingertips signals violently in the air begging for a donation from the gifted passers. Those individuals that was smart enough to fill their drinking bottles with water while it still lasted. Those I frowned upon because they wouldn’t jump off the bridge with me. Those clean hands, those clean mouths, those clean nails!!
Scales slither around my deep trailed neck as it has done so many times before. I am grabbing for air and it usually loosens its grip when it sees me suffer. Silly me thought I was mercied upon but soon realised it was only playing with me. I was its mouse. No! I was its rat, and it toyed with me. It would only be a matter of time before it pierced me with its poison draining the last bit of life from whatever part of my body was left.
I was a queen on a chessboard, moving everywhere I wanted to. Now, I'm the king. My drugged and disillusioned mind thinks it owns the board. Instead it sits in the corner unable to move watching how all the other pieces moves about. It thinks it has the knowledge to overcome, to survive. It thinks it has the last move – but it’ll never make it that far!
I can’t sleep… The events of my life that has shaped me as I am lie unforgettable, slow motioning in my head. They keep on repeating, over and over again.
I can’t close my eyes.
I can’t leave them open.
I can’t sleep!
P.S) Missed blogging terribly and glad to be back. Will see all of you tomorrow and we'll talk a bit about the past week!
Day 122 – “Poll/Discussion 6 Closed”
Sunday, 25 March 2007
Day 122 / 45 (59) – “Poll/Discussion 6 Closed”
Two weeks ago I asked if people would share their experiences with ‘Rehab’ or ‘Ibogaine’. The intention was to get a broader view of how these treatments affect people and if they really work. I had a few responses and was really amazed at how many people were in Rehab themselves or had family there. I appreciate everybody that took the time to e-mail me on the subject.
I’ll finally get to the subject I haven’t really blogged about yet – Rehab. Should I have gone? Why didn’t I go? Should I go now? Does it really work?
However, I’ll be pulling a disappearing act and will not be blogging for the next week. I’ll see you all again on Sunday, 1 April 2007 with the next post.
Day 123 - Day 127 :
Day 123 / 46 (59) – Monday, 26 March 2007
Day 124 / 47 (59) – Tuesday, 27 March 2007
Day 125 / 48 (59) – Wednesday, 28 March 2007
Day 126 / 49 (59) – Thursday, 29 March 2007
Day 126 / 50 (59) – Friday, 30 March 2007
Day 127 / 51 (59) – Saturday, 31 March 2007
Day 121 – “Farewell to Addiction (by Daniel L)”
Saturday, 24 March 2007
Day 121 / 44 (59) – “Farewell to Addiction (by Daniel L)”
So goodbye old friends. I will remember the good times I had with all of
you. Because there were some good times. It is the nature of our
relationship that I will forever strive to forget. And of all of you, a
very special goodbye to you, my inspiration in liquid form.
I cringe at saying your name, but yes, you, alcohol. It was our little
secret for a long time, wasn't it? Even when you started betraying me, I
still wanted to trust you, I still turned to you. I loved you so much, my
secret lover. In you, and with you, I found warmth and affection, euphoria
and arousal.
Even when we were apart, I thought of you, felt you inside me, craved for
you. You had this funny way of transforming yourself into whatever it was I wanted. You became strength, laughter, confidence and patience. I now know our relationship was doomed from the start. You made me blind with lust and
love for you, and in the end, you deserted me.
I feel I could write about you, to you, for hours. But I really wish for
you to go away now. I know you'll be hiding around the corner, calling me once in a while. But please hear this old friend: There is no longer a
place left for you in my life. I make a conscious choice to forsake you,
for eternity. I have found a new lover; Serenity and a daily quest for
honesty and simplicity.
And so, old friend, I am done with you.
Sincerely,
Daniel L.
Northern Ontario, 2004
P.S: I left a large chunk of my heart with you over the years. And one
day, when I am stronger, I will be back to reclaim it. It never belonged to
you in the first place.
Day 120 - “72 hours clean (Part 3 of 3)”
Friday, 23 March 2007
Day 120 / 42 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 3 of 3)”
Hey everybody. All is still going well… I’ll tell you in detail how the past few days has been going on Monday. I made a mistake a while back with the Second Day Counter and corrected it yesterday… So I’m on Day 120 / 42. Enjoy your Friday. Here is the last part of ’72 hours clean’…
We decided to go our separate ways because we all knew that together it was only a matter of time before one of us cracked. I reluctantly went home.
By this time I felt like little piranhas were eating away at my flesh. I could hardly move. I got a Voltaren injection and lay on the bed pretending to watch television. My Oscar performance as a normal guy with no problems in the world began. It would have to last the whole weekend.
I’m not sure what my parents thought but I spent most of the Saturday in bed. At times I tried to look busy just to avoid suspicion even though I was hurting so badly. In a way I felt better – almost proud of myself. This was the second day. It was one of the only times I ever got to a second day.
Sunday morning I opened my eyes and one thought ran through my mind like a train station at peak time. I wanted heroin. Before I opened my eyes, before a conscious thought played in my mind – I had decided. It was asif I was asked myself the question the whole night and every time the answer came blaring through… YES… YES…. YES!
Before I even entered 72 hours I was back where I was the Thursday night – a heroin addict. I came close and for months and months after that day, that was the closest I got. The months following that day lead to more frequent heroin use. I started injecting myself and soon there was no reason to wait. There would be no more days where anybody said, ‘lets go home’. There would be no more 72 hours clean!
P.S) If you like this blog and want it mailed to you daily as it updates, please contact me on tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Day 119 – “72 hours clean (Part 2 of 3)”
Thursday, 22 March 2007
Day 119 / 42 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 2 of 3)”
Continues from Part 1...
A few hours passed with all of us avoiding the obvious. I had every intention to stop taking the weekend but my mind was another mission. Whether I closed my eyes or kept them open they only saw one thing, they only needed one thing – heroin.
I was still in the beginning stages of my addiction, that weekend. I was absolutely dependent on when my friends took, because they injected me. In the beginning I never injected myself. Ironically, I hated needles. If they said No, then it was No. But they weren’t saying No… they were just keeping quiet and I knew they wanted it just as badly as I wanted it.
I guess I felt safe in a way. As long as somebody else had to inject me, I didn’t have a problem. It was still controlled to a certain extend because I was depending on them. Of course, my dependence was on another addict’s heroin habits. People hurting just as bad and even more than I was. Nobody really had a choice anymore.
If I told the story of any other day the following outcome would be different. It was almost guaranteed that somebody, anybody would crack eventually. The need for heroin was much more than any agreement, any promise or any other desire to ever get clean. Any undertaking to stop immediately faded once the craving kicked in. On this day… nobody said a word.
'72 hours clean' concludes tomorrow (Friday)!
Day 118 – “Human Rights Day”
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
Day 118 / 41 (59) – “Human Rights Day”
Since today is 'Human Rights Day' in South Africa I will continue the '72 hours clean' story tomorrow (Thursday). [Secret Method for Keeping Suspense - **Evil Laugh]
If you have stories or experiences on 'Rehab', 'Ibogaine', 'Out-Patient Programs', 'NA Meetings' or anything related, please e-mail me at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za before Sunday.
And to have this blog mailed to you daily please e-mail me also to add you to the Mailing List.
Day 117 – “72 hours clean (Part 1 of 3)"
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Day 117 / 40 (59) – “72 hours clean (Part 1 of 3)”
We all wanted it. Each one of us more badly than the next. Right there, right then I would have given anything. I would have taken, stolen, sold anything just to get it. To feel that overwhelming feeling of content rush over me. All of us wanted it… but nobody said a thing!
It was Friday afternoon. Fridays didn’t signal ‘weekend’ to us. It was the start of detox. We entered every single weekend more determined than ever that this time would be it. This would be the time we kicked this habit and heroin would never be in control of us again. To us Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays were spent fighting the daemons, trying to stay away from the dealer, trying to get clean.
I took off from work early. I was hurting badly. I last took heroin the night before and I knew in a short while my body would be aching so much that I could hardly walk. Nobody knew yet, so I had to pretend that everything was okay. Sure, I had the occasional off-day and they could see I’m not feeling well, but I could always blame it on something. In a few minutes I would be withdrawing and everybody would see something was wrong.
I got together with my friends. We all decided to stay together the afternoon and look after each other. We had no medicine and withdrawing cold turkey was dangerous. We sat in the lounge watching television. I can’t remember what was on. I don’t think I even knew then. The thoughts of taking heroin were screaming in the room. Dead silence but deafening screaming for heroin. Everybody wanted it but nobody was going to be the instigator. Not this time! All of us wanted it… but nobody said a word!
Part 2 continues tomorrow Thursday...
Day 116 – “Subutex”
Monday, 19 March 2007
Day 116 / 39 (59) – “Subutex”
Subutex, is used to treat opioid dependence. Its main purpose is to prevent withdrawal symptoms, by stimulating the opiate receptors in the brain. It has a greater attraction to the opiate receptors than heroin, which reduces or removes the desire to take heroin. Subutex binds so tightly to the opiate receptors, that taking heroin will have little or no effect.
Subutex was my saviour. Without it I would have given up a long time ago. It helped me to get through the already bad withdrawal symptoms and more importantly insured the recovery wasn’t life threatening. It is not cheap medicine and I took it way too long (as you also get dependant on it) but it got me off heroin – and that is what is important!
Taking Subutex was a sort of insurance that I would not be taking heroin that day. It takes away some of the desire to take heroin, makes finding a vain much more difficult and if you should take heroin while on Subutex the effect is minimum.
I remember waking up some days and as soon as I opened my eyes I knew I was going to take heroin. It was like the thought played in my head the whole night and as soon as I opened my eyes the yearning for heroin was there. My mind went in overdrive and all I thought about was how to score. On those days I didn’t take Subutex because I knew it would spoil the experience. Other times I took Subutex in the morning with no intend to take heroin during the day – but the urge to have the real thing got too big and I took heroin anyway. Even just a hint of that feeling was enough to risk it!
Of course, my parents soon learned that Subutex not only helped with withdrawal but helped me to stay away from taking heroin. According to them I never took heroin if I had subutex in my system – I mean, what was the use, right?! So, every morning they came to me and watched as I put the pill under my tongue and waited for it to dissolve. They could sleep at night – their boy was safe.
I don’t need to tell you that if there is a way around it, an addict will find it. I got anti-depressants from my doctor which, if broken in half looked very similar to the subutex pill. I even filed the edges off the pill to give it more of the appearance of the Subutex pill. So, every morning my mom would come to check up on me to make sure I took the Subutex pill never knowing it was something completely different.
I got away with this for quite a number of months. As long as I took that pill they thought they had nothing to worry about – which meant they let me out of the house. And if I came back and looked a bit off – I could always just blame it on the Subutex. It was perfect!
I’m very cautious to refer to the things I did in a positive sense. I don’t want to seem to ever brag about how I got away with it – as I said before that would be in very bad taste. I am sharing this information with you because you might have a loved one busy filing the edges of anti-depressant pills – fooling you!
Day 115 – “Poll/Discussion 6 continued…”
Sunday, 18 March 2007
Day 115 / 38 (59) – “Poll/Discussion 6 continued…”
I asked last weekend if people would share their experiences with ‘Rehab’ or ‘Ibogaine’. The intention is to get a broader view of how these treatments affect people and if they really work, for a future post.
If you have a story to share, I would really like to hear from you before the end of Saturday night the 24th of March.
E-mail me at: tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
