Current Recovery (Friday, 21 December 2007)
Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”
Somebody left this comment on one of my blog entries. I decided to post it after one of my friends pretty much said the same things to me today. Seems that most communication my way is now done in screaming and while I hope anybody don’t think screaming is going to make a positive difference, I guess I have to respect that they have to get rid of their anger in some way.
Most people in my life feel like this I guess… some have gotten around to tell me, others just haven’t had the chance yet. After the things I have recently done I can’t argue with it any of it. I can’t even ask for forgiveness or say I feel helpless because I’ll just be accused of trying to get sympathy.
I wanted to sensor the swear words below but it would have pissed me off if half the paragraph was blacked out. Here is what Amanda said after my blog post “The Last Road”
“This is fucking stupid. this whole thing, this whole fuckiness of a life that people call a fucking life is stupid and pointless ‘cuz it all sucks, and it’s just gonna keep on sucking and there's only sometimes happy moments in between. You know what junkies do? They ruin their fuckin’ lives and then they proceed to fuck everyone elses up too. They make people cry over every fucking little thing, and hate themselves for not being enough and want to die. That’s what the fuck they do. They don't care about them FUCKING selves, they don't care about their families, they don't care about their fucking 11 year old daughters 3000 fucking miles away getting poked in the butt by some dude. they don't fucking care, because wooooo that feels good. fuck ‘em all.”
Day 392 – “Whooo… that feels good!”
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
Current Recovery (Saturday, 1 December 2007)
Day 372 – “Avoiding this entry”
It is 1 December 2007 - International Aids Day. I’ve spent most of this day really unaware of the significance of what today is really about to millions of people around the world. I have been tested for AIDS before, but not since I started taking heroin. I haven’t had the courage to go yet. I honestly don’t foresee a problem, since I never really shared needles or had unprotected sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Even so, there is always a possibility and I know I should stop avoiding the problem and face it.
My whole life has been like that: avoiding the problem, avoiding talking or sometimes fighting about the problem, even fixing the problem was sometimes avoided. I guess, some part of me thinks if I avoid it long enough it will just go away. I have found out the hard way that is not the case. The problem never goes away. It always stays there and at the most inopportune time it will pop up again. No problem… I can just avoid it again, right!
Much of my heroin experience I have avoided the real issues. I mean, sometimes I mentioned some of them here but do I really change any of them? Only I know the emotions and feelings, the secrets that don’t even make it to these pages. Only I know the truth behind every decision and every consequence. Only I know… and I know it has to change, something has to change!
It is a bit early to make resolutions for the New Year, but I’m giving myself an extra month to do it. I know if I try and sort out the problems in my life instead of running away from them many other things will fall into place. I guess the 1st of December is about making more of the time we have on this earth and looking after ourselves to make sure we have enough time to complete what we have to do here. Perhaps I see the significance of it afterall.
Day 370 – “The last road”
Current Recovery (Thursday, 29 November 2007)
Day 370 – “The last road”
I have always seen it as a last resort. When all other avenues have been exhausted… then… and only then do we venture on this forbidden road. I mean, addicts go to Rehabs right. Oh ye… now I remember. I am one!
I have had to make peace with the fact that most alternate roads have already been traveled. In fact I left those roads in an awful state with vandalized road signs, fainting paint and huge pot holes. Rehab is one of the last remaining ones.
So, obviously I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I need professional help in some way or form. Even with my remarkable recovery the first time around, I spent my fair share in depressing depths. I always figured I would see somebody professional when I’m back on my feet financially. Unfortunately this latest drug binge left me in a very bad way with many financial institutions and I don’t see that happening soon.
Even before my heroin addiction I have always made it a point never to just miss work for any reason. I rarely take holidays and I rarely stay home sick. Even with my recovery last time I didn’t miss one day of work to stay at home and recover. I had a heroin addict friend who constantly took off from work always with some kind of excuse, usually he was at home withdrawing from heroin. In the end he quit his job and went to rehab. Unfortunately he came back only to start the habit again and he hasn’t been able to keep a job since.
I have seriously considered rehab or something similar but I feel very strong about this one thing. I can’t just quit my job. My job is very important to me and it is one of the few things keeping me from totally losing my mind. There is also a new project starting in 2008 which I might be in charge off – so things are looking up in that area. And to be totally honest there is no guarantee any attempt at rehab would even work.
I have already made up my mind regarding the issue and will share it with you in due time. In the mean time however, I would love to hear your views about this if you consider what I mentioned about my job. It is always nice to get an opinion of what ‘the public’ thinks and since I regard many of you as close friends it makes your opinion all the more important.
Coming Up during the week!
The posts that follows during the week touches on HIV, Rehab and a look into my drug past with LSD/Acid. Remember to send your questions to be answered on the blog via e-mail (tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za). The questions can be about my heroin addiction specificly or just general stuff you might have been wondering about.
Hope to hear from you all.
Christiaan (aka Tristan)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
Current Recovery (Tuesday, 27 November 2007)
Day 368 – “Chasing the dragon”
I am currently reading a book by Steve Hamilton called ‘I want my life back’. It is the second time I am reading it and it truly is a scary and inspirational story about drug addiction in general but specifically the viciousness of heroin addiction and recovery. The sad thing is I read this book the first time BEFORE I started injecting heroin. I was only smoking it at that time. Even my best friend at the time was living a life which mirrored much of what happened to Steve and none of that raised warning flags to me. I still injected it for some reason thinking it won’t happen to me. I think a lot of heroin addiction stories starts of like that.
My blog sites on 24.com, BlogSpot and Facebook all look a bit different from this week. In addition to the physical appearance I have decided to start including more stories of my past drug experiences – after all, those experiences created the person I am today. I originally thought of keeping them all for the book (the one I am still supposed to right about my recovery). Recent events however proved to me that my life story and my story about recovery is very far from finished and when I start writing the book there will be more than enough experiences to include in there…
For the moment I will just keep to my blog entries. Due to my busy work on the road the blog posts are often a bit late. I apologize for that. My office is closing in 2 weeks for the Christmas Holidays. I’ll be on standby and helping out at my old job. So, I’m sure things will run more smoothly then.
Lastly, something new again on the blog is ‘Q&A’. I have recently been bombarded with questions and felt maybe a lot of other people are wondering about the same things. So, please feel free to ask your questions by sending them to tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za and I’ll answer them once a week on the blog.
Check you all tomorrow again.
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
Current Recovery (Sunday, 25 November 2007)
Day 366 – “All I want for Christmas”
It is Sunday - a month before Christmas. I have ruined yet another weekend for my family. I don’t need to give much detail, since we all know my repetious destructive cycle off by heart by now. My million too many chances are up. I will discuss more about this and my decision regarding rehab during the week.
I have been slowly moving away from my friends and family into my own little secluded corner. Heroin is definitely not a drug that you take with a bunch of people unlike ecstasy or cocaine which is usually at its best the more people you have around you. I spent last night with my two best friends, more company than I've had in weeks. They met each other through one of my famous parties (in the time when we still had them). The parties were normally something many people looked forward to every year and of course had their share of brilliant music, many unknown and uninvited faces, alcohol and of course other substances. For a very long time “having fun” was something I couldn’t do without drugs. Right now I’ll just settle for “feeling normal”.
After talking to my friends last night I realized just how much this has affected them, even with my slow recoil into darkness. They have stood by me through all of this last time and this time but unsurprisingly their patience is now wearing very thin. And even though I truly admire and appreciate their dedicated friendship it is the support and patience of my parents that I find nothing short of a miracle.
My friends, I think, at the worst of times only get a fraction of what is really going on. My family however is living with it in their faces day by day, they feel the full extend of it and still they've found ways to help me through it.
All I keep thinking is how this all should have gone down differently. My mother’s birthday last month and mine at the end of it. My new life with my new job and new boyfriend. This celebration of a year in recovery and even the Christmas celebration – it all should have been so different. We won’t be doing much regarding presents this year and even though slightly cliché, I know that the biggest gift I can give anybody close to me or even myself is just getting clean again.
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”
My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 24 November 2007)
Day 365 – “Starting with a cup of coffee”
I just made myself a cup of coffee. I can’t remember when last I had something which was as routine in my life as brushing teeth or going to work. These days none of it means the same to me. Nothing is the same. I know I am not. The people that know me the best keep telling me how much I have changed, how much I disappoint them and how quickly I am killing myself.
I find it strange and weird to be writing this entry tonight. It is 24 November 2007 and exactly a year go today I started my Heroin Recovery. For the past few months I’ve been trying to remember what drove me to that day, where I got the will to start and the strength to continue. It is 12 months later and I find myself exactly where I started. The relationships I was still trying to build up, the trust I never really got back in the same way, even the money that lied spent on a feeling I could never seem to have again – all of it destroyed again!
My blogging has been quiet, I know! I should apologize for the silence but to tell you the truth I’ve spent so much time apologizing lately that it doesn’t mean much. I’ve even started to believe my own lies. I started blogging again because I still have a lot to say. Right now, I don’t know how to say half of what I feel or even a fraction of what is going on in my life. And to be honest I don’t know how many people are left to even listen or read. My friends and family are at a point I have never seen them. Frightening to think you’ve driven people to ends they never thought they could ever go. I am that person.
I am a heroin addict. No matter what I tell you in the next few days or what I try and do about it in the weeks to follow – that fact will not change. Even so, I find amazing comfort in posting another blog entry tonight. You see… as long as I make entries on this blog I am more than just a heroin addict – I am a heroin addict in recovery!
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 9 November 2007)
Day 350/21 – “Writing with my eyes closed”
I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. It has fast become one of my favourite TV programs ever. I must say there is a part of me that can relate to each one of the brothers or sisters on the program. Obviously the drug addict in me relates more with Jason (the wash out drug addict currently in Rehab) and the gay part of me relates better with Kevin (the gay lawyer). Last night Kevin made friends with a ‘straight guy’ at gym who unexpectedly kissed him while they hanging out and then they let… well... let other things hang out. That part I can definitely relate to. Whether it is something to be proud of or not, I’m not sure. But exactly the same thing has happened quite a few times with me in the past. One thing I can say is there is nothing else in the world that makes you feel as alive as such as experience. Unfortunately, just like Kevin when you reach the next day they chose to forget and the magnificent experience is just a memory that only you seem to remember.
I have become an expert on hiding my true feelings when it comes to certain people and after years of drug addiction, certain things. Heroin addiction made me a cheater and betrayer out of me. Such a good one, infact, that I could fool most people at any given time. Unfortunately hiding that part doesn’t leave you feeling excited at all… eventually it only hurts feelings and breaks relationships.
Luckily, and my friends will confirm this, I have always been better in expressing my feelings on paper. Perhaps that is why blogging was such a good idea. I don’t think a verbal diary would have gotten anywhere close to the truths revealed on the blog. Maybe it is because I can’t see who is reading my blog when I’m typing it. You see, then there is nobody to look in the eyes and instinctively lie to. If that is the case I’ll close my eyes and I’ll type pretending that nobody is watching. At least not watching how I fall and fail but rather standing behind me and help me get up!
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 8 November 2007)
Day 349/20 – “Writers Block”
I have so much to say, not only about my recovery but general things which other people also blog about. Whenever I try and put some of the words in my head on paper or pixels on the computer screen nothing seems to come out right. Every word or every sentence just comes out wrong. I’m not sure if it is writer’s block because I actually think I have a lot of things to write about – for some reason though it isn’t working on paper.
I have not been feeling very well the past few days. I realize just all to well the damage heroin has caused yet again. My body is broken in too many places to mention, the scary part is most of those places I am not even aware of yet. My days are still very up and down. Today is good, tomorrow may not be. What gets me through some days is knowing that after a few tomorrows it will eventually get better.
I am sorry for being so quiet lately. The office has exploded with work and I am more out of town than I am in town. There are so much new things happening. As soon as I am sure it is not just talk I’ll talk about some of it here. All I can say now is that once again I have been given an amazing chance. A chance to do what I love, a chance to be a better employee and a chance to make up for my previous wrongs.
I have been given a lot of chances lately. Some days I don’t know if I deserve any of them and I see it as a miracle that my friends and family are still there helping me. My best friend phones me everyday to check up on me. My parents check everyday if I’m okay and what they can do to help me. I know the biggest gift I can give any of them is to get better. I know right now that is the biggest gift I can give myself!
Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”
Q & A (Sunday, 28 October 2007)
Day 338/9 – “Q & A: Rehab”
A lot of things are different in my life this time around. My work for instance is much more demanding and active and I travel a lot more. Since I’m not in the office the whole day like I was last year getting the blog posted on time isn’t always possible. I still want to update you on the progress day by day – so please bare with me if the posts are a day or two late sometimes.
I am asking a question today which a few have already answered. I hope you’ll participate by answering this question as well as the others to follow in the weeks ahead. These questions are specificly about heroin addiction or my recovery and I ask them in an attempt for us all to understand some of the choices or mistakes a bit better.
Today I want to know if you think I should go to Rehab and when you think I should go. Do you feel it is long overdue or do you believe I have and can manage without the help of an institution?
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”
Flashback (Saturday, 27 October 2007)
Day 337/8 – “Remembering… Deja vu”
This piece was originally posted on 25 November 2007, on Day 2 of My Heroin Recovery. I can only smile at the similarities…
I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.
They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.
I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?
I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 26 October 2007)
Day 336/7 – “Pain to a normal life”
Today is Day 7. Strange saying that again, going from over 300 days to just 7. I must say that the time passes a lot faster than last time. Every day last year felt like an eternity, but I think that had a lot to do with the mess in my life that still had to be fixed. Even though this relapse shouldn’t be taken lightly at all – I don’t think the damage is the same as last time. Then again, given enough time it probably would have reached it again. If I could beat this last time when all the odds were against me, then I can certainly do it now.
For a moment today I was bombarded with issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing for heroin. It has become such a convenient escape… all I had to do was take heroin and everything was better (well… to me at least). In the process I leave all the sober people in my life to deal with the problems I should be dealing with. My parents have actually said on occasion that perhaps they should also have taken heroin thinking that they would then understand a lot of the things I do. I guess that point is arguable, since I often don’t know what the hell I’m doing!
One thing I am trying to do right is the medicine. Somebody asked during the week what medicine I was taking that allowed me to go back to work after just a weekend. The medicine I am on still for a few days is Subutex then I am switching to Physeptone/Methodone. In the mornings when I open my eyes it is the first thing I reach for and in those few moments before it starts working I must say I feel like sh*t. Unfortunately, it is also addictive so when and how much of it I take must be carefully monitored.
Soon I will leave all the medicine and I’ll have to live through the pain that took over 50 days last time before it went away. Even my teeth are acting up because of heroin and I will have to see a dentist next week. So, pain will come and go I guess but it is the price that I need to and will willingly pay to live a normal life again!
Day 335/6 – “O… for Opportunity”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 25 October 2007)
Day 335/6 – “O… for Opportunity”
It is Day 6. After the disaster of Tuesday night I was forced to examine what I was doing with my life and which direction it was heading. Heroin pushes you into this haze where nothing seems to matter any more and even though I have real regret at times about my actions and what it does to those around me, it all seems to disappear when you crave it again.
I was alone today the whole day. I knew that if I wanted to I could get heroin and just continue like I have the past few weeks. If I had, my parents probably would have noticed. The trust I build up the past year is now gone again because of all my lies so I can’t blame them for checking for any signs of it. More importantly I knew that if I took today I would just have given myself permission to take yet again another day.
So, I am extremely proud to say that even with ample opportunity I stayed clear of it today. It wasn’t just an easy ride. The whole day felt empty, like I missed something and I realize that the whole mission of getting and taking heroin became a routine in my life that now leaves a very empty space. It will take time again to fix that. It will take a lot of time to fix many things.
Hykie Berg, whom I think is uber cute and talented told about his Heroin Addiction last night on Kwela. I sat and listened in horror how he told about what he went through, how he scored, when he took and how he finally struggled to get clean. His story was almost exactly the same as mine. Even after 7 years of totally being clean he relapsed almost throwing it all away. It just shows you how you can never let your guard down, not with any addiction, especially not with heroin. As I saw him there on TV you would never say he was a heroin addict. My wish to myself and countless others out there is that we can also be that lucky.
Day 334/5 – “Countdown”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 24 October 2007)
Day 334/5 – “Countdown”
I spent the whole day today thinking about where my life is and where I’m going with it. I had a relapse and since that day I haven’t been able to completely get rid of it. My family were furious because I tried to take again. They keep supporting me and helping me and I keep going back to the same routine. My friends were not exactly impressed that I lied to them or kept them at a distance the past few weeks. My ‘significant other’ and I decided to rather be friends because I couldn’t and still can’t give my attention to a relationship and even at the office the impact was negative because my head wasn’t in the right place. Something needs to change!
Last year I got to a point where we all made the decision that if I didn’t get better before a certain date I would go to Rehab. A lot of people have mentioned Rehab since my post on Saturday and I feel I need to clarify something. I have never said “No” to going to Rehab. I am obviously not very eager to what Rehab might cause (such as possibly losing my job) but compared to losing my life there is no contest. I see Rehab as a last resort when all other roads have been exhausted. Unfortunately, we seemed to have reached that destination.
In exactly a month it will be a year ago that I started My Heroin Recovery. I have then appropriately given myself until that day (that’s 4 weeks) to get off heroin, get off the medicine and give a clean test. That is yet another chance I might or might not deserve. Some would say I have already had way too many chances. I’d like to see this as motivation. Whatever the case, if I can’t do it then I am going to Rehab.
I have shown the strength once before and left heroin and moved on with my life. It will continue to be a life long struggle but I am much more positive today than the preceding few days that I can beat this once again. As always I’ll be here informing you how it’s going and hope you’ll continue following My Heroin Recovery.
Day 333/4 – “Taking back"
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 23 October 2007)
Day 333/4 – “Taking back”
There are not many moments in this life I will take back if I had the chance. Even my addiction to heroin questionably made me a better or stronger person in the end. If it indeed did then I shouldn’t wish to erase any of those experiences. Of course, when that experience comes at a price that the people around me must pay, an immense price for which none of them asked, then it can only be a moment to completely erase. Tonight is one of those moments. One that should never have happened. One, given the chance, I would easily take back.
I tried to take heroin again. Right now, the past few hours seem like the dumbest choices in my life but at that moment I was only thinking of one thing. It is like I’m a whole different person hunting down and taking heroin. A person that, as my family reminds me, doesn’t give a damn about the rest of them. Sadly, my parents were the ones that stopped me from taking – which means once again I disappointed, hurt and most definitely angered them.
This whole day I tried to be so strong and block out the craving, that nagging to go and get heroin. It is a screaming inside my head, an urge throughout my body that doesn’t want to keep quiet unless I silence it with heroin. I take a lot of medicine and even though they help for a lot of things that nagging will only stop when it gets heroin. For a moment today I thought I made it but I used the slightest gap to throw it all away, just like I would have done tomorrow and no doubtedly the day after that.
So, yes tonight feels like a moment I would gladly take back. I hate that it happened! Then again, because of it there is no way I’ll be taking tomorrow. It sounds bizarre but the best thing that could have happened to me was trying to take and my parents catching me. So, I guess it is one of those moments that just needs to stay – especially if it keeps me away from heroin for another day!
Day 332/3 – “Feelings”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 22 October 2007)
Day 332/3 – “Feelings”
It is Day 3. I woke up this morning and predictably felt like a train ran over me. My parents were amazing in helping me through this, even though they should still be mad. It was my first day back at work today after a weekend in bed. It didn’t go to badly considering how I felt yesterday. I am glad that I was kept busy, keeping my mind off everything that was going on around me.
I am fighting the craving of heroin. Every second my mind gets to gather thoughts it thinks about it. That part is scary because I know that I can’t be watched 24/7 and that means sooner or later a tremendous big decision will lie in my path and I will either be strong or will fail terribly. Right now… I don’t have any guarantees.
I have started posting the entries from this weekend and many people replied with comments and e-mails. I thank you for still following, supporting and giving advice. It is nice to see so many familiar names, faces and identities but I feel ashamed to be writing about the same subject again, a topic we all thought would never feature ever again. But your views have always been a key instrument in me getting better, so please never be hesitant to tell me what you feel.
Right now, what I feel is regret that this started again and that it lasted as long as it did. I feel humiliation at the controls and methods that make me a prisoner of my own actions again. I feel scared to do this and angry that I have to. I am trying to keep strong so I’ll settle for having that today… strength… just for today!
Day 331/2 – “The ladder to sobriety”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 21 October 2007)
Day 331/2 – “The ladder to sobriety”
It is Day 2. My blog has been quiet for a few weeks – now you know why! I had some pre-written blogs prepared but I decided to delete them because I didn’t want to post blatant lies. Even these entries will only be posted once I am sure it isn’t just a Day 1, Day 2 and then heroin again! So… I sincerely hope they get posted during this week!
I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few days. I’ve blamed everything from medicine to work to stress and boredom to justify just another hit but in the end I know it is just excuses. I had two of the toughest weeks at the office – weeks I never want to relive again. It has made it so much harder to even try and stop – but the honest truth is – I wouldn’t have even, if it was smooth sailing.
The worst anger from my parents has died down and they are talking to me again. The screaming from the past few days and nights have stopped. I don’t think they are less angry but their true character shines thru because they are more worried. Worried that their stupid son is slowly killing himself. And even through the anger and the worry they still shown compassion when I am at my downest moment. They are truly better people than I can ever hope to be!
Sundays are always more depressing than other days. I have hardly eaten and still don’t have my appetite back. I’ve hardly been out of bed this weekend and tomorrow I have to work again. Not just sit in an office – but actually work. Right now… I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through it... any of it!
Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”
My Heroin Recovery (Saturday, 20 October 2007)
Day 330/1 – “Under ‘S’”
It is Day 1. Everybody is out in town getting together to watch the rugby and I am lying alone in bed. Even with the medicine, it feels like millions of creatures all over my body are pulling the meat from my bones. There is no way to lie or stand or sit or sleep to sooth the discomfort. My bed and body are both sweaty and the stench of heroin leaving my skin hangs in the room. The smell is as familiar to me as the feeling of heroin itself. I’ve spent as much time trying to get rid of it as I have spent high on it and even so I know given half a chance I would be at the dealer trying to score again!
The logic or the lack thereof makes me sick more than any of the withdrawals can try and do! How can something be so easy and so complicated at the same time? All I have to do is stay clean. All I have to do is not pick up the phone and phone the dealer. All I have to do is stop – and right now it is the most difficult thing in the world to do!
I find myself climbing out of the trenches again. One minute I am overwhelmed with emotion and I cry at all the damage I have yet again left around me. Damage caused in an instant when the damage from last year isn’t even fixed yet. The next minute I am full of strength. I try and remember where I got the strength from last time hoping that I will be able to get that strength again. Perhaps it is one of my strongest weapons this time… the knowledge that it is not impossible. I did this all before. Sure, I stumbled in the end… but I got up and I am trying again. Day by day… one day at a time I am trying again!
Day 329/0 – “All over again”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 19 October 2007)
Day 329/0 – “All over again”
The wind is squeezing through the slightly opened window in my humid room. I can’t close it because inside I am boiling up. I don’t want to leave it open because I’m shivering from the cold and covered in goose bumps. Every single bump hurts while the wind blows its cold air onto my skin. I get nauseous at the mere thought of food. Even though I am hungry I can’t eat right now, at least not food. I’m devouring chocolates like it is going out of fashion because it is all I can manage to keep down and it at least helps with the cravings.
I’m lying on the bed watching TV. I don’t care what I watch and even if I did I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Changing the channels takes an effort out of me that right now feels equivalent to climbing mountains. I just want to lie here and be forgotten or maybe it is just the opposite.
Emotions of happy and sad, strength and weakness, bravery, hopelessness and misery are all ping-ponging in my busy mind. It is a mind scared right now! It has chosen the easy path for too long and now it has to face reality again. It is a mind ashamed at the things it has though up and done and even the lengths it still would have gone to. It is a mind humiliated at the insults of what it has become and at the words it’s most important friends and family scratch on its clammy skin.
It must be a nightmare because I would never do this to myself again. I would never put my family or my friends through that torture again, would I? It must be a gimmick or a lie – some attention seeking plot for a lonely mind. Oh please, please… please… today I would be that lonely pathetic attention seeker rather than have this be true again!
Regrettably, it isn’t a dream that I will wake up from tomorrow morning. It isn’t a gimmick that I could stop when the suspicious start seeing through it. It is the cold hard truth of how I took heroin again and again and again. It is, how in true addictive style, I couldn’t stop until I lost almost everything again. This time there is no safety ‘pre-written’ net conveniently placed at the top of this page. This time I have to face the truth in the honesty I have always somehow managed to achieve on this blog.
I am an addict, addicted AGAIN to heroin for more weeks than I have fingers to count it on. I took my last hit earlier today and already my world and my body is crashing down. Tomorrow I begin what I vowed never to be at ever again - I begin Day 1 again. I begin My Heroin Recovery - all over again!
Day 307 – “Triggers (Part 4)”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 27 September 2007)
Day 307 – “Triggers (Part 4)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
Taking heroin isn’t something that happens one day. It is something that is trying to happen every day. When a “Yes” comes through, people tend to completely forget how you said “No!” everyday before that. We do what we can to be strong and make sure that when we fall we don’t fall far – but there are no guarantees. Not for somebody that is clean for one week, one year or even 10 years.
I learned over the past few days that I will never be able to do this alone. I will always need the help of people around me that might never understand the reason for me being in that position or placing them there with me. I learned that triggers like alcohol or other drugs can lead me towards heroin but that there are millions of other things out there and I won’t see them coming.
I know that even though this happened and the friends and family around me are angry and disappointed, I do still have their support. It shows more of their character than it does mine. The only thing I can show is strength. I have no doubt in my mind that I can beat this, infact my previous success is a great motivator. Even so, the truth is that I can only guarantee today.
Perhaps, out of the all the lessons that is the one I should remember the most. Forgetting that is a daily fight and fight only for today is what makes you lose your grip and fall into relapse. So… I guess here is to being clean for today!
Day 306 – “Triggers (Part 3)”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 26 September 2007)
Day 306 – “Triggers (Part 3)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
I got the heroin from the dealer, purchased the needles and prepared it. The sequence of events was so familiar and, unfortunate to say, exciting. I know that in that short time millions of warnings went through my head. I knew better, I had months and months of better and I was about to end it all, but I couldn’t stop myself from going through with it.
The needle entered my arm and I threw myself in a hole I wouldn’t be able to get out of. For weeks and weeks after that day I used or tried to stop. It was like I went to bed last night a heroin addict and today I was just the same, nothing had changed. The past months of trying desperately to stay clean lay momentarily forgotten. I was in a vicious cycle of taking. I couldn’t stop… and the worst thing was that part of me didn’t want to stop!
I was really nervous when I saw my parents the night because they’ve become experts on seeing when I was high on heroin. They had to become experts to try and help me. They probably noticed something different about me but the changes were so subtle that they didn’t question it. I was trying my utmost best to try and hide it from them, if they noticed anything perhaps none of it would have happened.
Looking back at that day I remember the two previous times I had lapses. They noticed it almost immediately and because of their guard being up I didn’t continue taking. It dawns on me now, that the seemingly strong recovery from those lapses where I miraculously only used once – were only because I was stopped from taking a second time!
This time nobody was there to stop me. It still frightens me thinking that if I stayed on my own – this might still have continued at this very moment! Can I ever stay on my own then, I ask myself? Can I ever be responsible enough not to slowly kill myself?
(Triggers concludes tomorrow…)
Day 305 – “Triggers (Part 2)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 25 September 2007)
Day 305 – “Triggers (Part 2)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
I stopped my car at a shop close by to get something to drink. It was in the middle of the day and a car pulled up next to me. The face was all too familiar: it was one of the HEROIN DRUG DEALERS.
What you have to understand about drug dealers is that most of them will not sell crack or heroin to their customers. Not only is it incredibly difficult for them to find good quality, but heroin addicts soon get to point where they have to phone the dealer a few times a day EVERY DAY. It takes a lot more work from them and they know sooner or later their “customers” will end up in rehab, prison or dead. So most just stick to the seemingly harmless stuff like ecstasy or cocaine.
The face I was looking into was one of those dealers that DID sell heroin. He started talking to me and before the conversation ended I was on my way to getting heroin again. Now, perhaps he was the trigger just by showing up or maybe something in the conversation we had. Perhaps he was only a solution to a trigger long before that day.
What you probably don’t understand about addiction in general, is that once you start the sequence of events there is no turning back. You don’t go from wanting heroin, to getting it and then deciding it is a bad idea and turning back. From the very first moment you get that thought to the time the needle enters your arm it is almost automatic.
I really have such a big support system in place. I know that I can contact a number of people in a number of ways and they will help me through it. The problem is that you just aren’t thinking rationally. So, you won’t be stopping yourself, thinking about what this does to you or your family. You won’t be calling your friends or your family to try and talk you out of it. You just sent a rolling ball down a cliff and until it completes its run at the bottom, no force will stop it!
(Triggers Part 3 continues tomorrow…)
Day 304 – “Triggers (Part 1)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 24 September 2007)
Day 304 – “Triggers (Part 1)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
I got a ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet last year to state that I was allergic to ‘Morphine or Coedine or any Opiods’. I did this because not only can an intake of this be fatal to me, but codeine products will make me crave (even though I won’t know why) and all those items will cause withdrawal symptoms – regardless of how much or how long I take them.
It is Day 2 and I am using medicine to help with those withdrawal symptoms. They are doing their job and physically I am feeling the minimum of pain. Sometimes I can’t sleep (even with a prescribed sleeping pills) and my actions still haunts me when I’m awake, trying to sleep and even in my dreams. I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment but no medicine can help with that. No medicine can help with the effects heroin has caused in my life yet again.
My parents are obviously disappointed and feel like they want to lock me in my room again. I went through, what felt like, hours of painful speeches, warnings and begging to not walk the same road again. Each time it looks like it hits them lower, like the news hangs on them heavier and the disappointment and more then anything hopelessness shows on their faces more clearly.
I won’t lie to you, I am craving heroin right now. I did yesterday and I will tomorrow. The insanity of it all makes me nauseous more than the withdrawal symptoms can ever try and do. Why would somebody that went through the hell of heroin recovery EVER take heroin again? And then, even if it was a “mistake”, why would he continue after the first lapse and again and again…
(Triggers Part 2 continues tomorrow…)
Day 303 – “The not so pre-written blog”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 23 September 2007)
Day 303 – “The not so pre-written blog”
It is Sunday morning and as promised here is my ‘not pre-written’ blog for the week. Or, after some criticism this past week, let me re-phrase… here is my less pre-written blog than the rest. As I mentioned many times before my blogs are not just a spur of the moment bunch of words written directly on 24.com and posted seconds afterwards. My pixilated words and sentences refreshes at 60 hertz on 17” 96DPI screen (the geek in me had to do that) until I feel ready to post them.
Some days I would have liked to wait a bit longer delaying truths that would again upset so many people, but they still made it on here. Other days, of course, I was all to happy to press the ‘Submit Post’ button that would reveal the good things to the world. And as ThisIsMe (my good friend) pointed out in one of the comments, this is the way I’ve always written.
The pre-written blogs at the time I wrote them couldn’t be posted, for many reasons, yes reasons… reasons as simple as I wasn’t ready yet and reasons as difficult as to still tell my family about it. I was asked how anybody could trust me now and ‘when did I start lying to the public’. While I apologize for not being able to post this sooner the intention was never to hide it from anybody and I would hope that every blog post you’ve read up to now would prove my commitment to honesty on the blog.
Perhaps we live in a world where people fake addiction or suicide to get attention. Perhaps you know somebody like that, I don’t! My best friends (who responded to some comments during the week) and who has been with me through every step of this recovery, knows that I am not one of those people. My family scattered across the country who comfort my parents when it is going bad, knows I am not one of those people. Even the people that read this blog know through my experiences that I am not one of those people.
Of course, not everything that was said in the comments about the entries on the three sites they are posted, was criticism. Same actually gave some helpful suggestions and comforting words. There are still loads more to tell about a story which is still continuing every day. Yes, they’ve already been written but it doesn’t make it lies or for that matter any less true. It doesn’t even make it easier to post them, but I believe they still have a purpose to me and to somebody, anybody out there – so I will continue to post them!
Day 300 – “I took heroin again!”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 20 September 2007)
Day 300 – “I took heroin again!” (PRE-WRITTEN)
“I took heroin again.” I cannot begin to describe the feelings those words leave in my life. They seem to echo in the empty space that is my mind right now and I expect to hear in the distance answers coming back to me. There are none! I never thought I’d say them again and I presume my family and friends never thought they’d hear them again either. But nevertheless, it is true… I took heroin again!
I saw my doctor to get medicine to help with the withdrawals. My heroin intake wasn’t just a few days – so the withdrawals won’t be easy. They aren’t supposed to be, I guess. Some people believe you should suffer with your withdrawals, so that you don’t go and take again. Those people have so much to learn about heroin!
But I think we all do. As I told my loved ones about my relapse I found that many still don’t understand what it is all about. Of course how could they, when I still don’t understand most of it! That was even more reason to tell everybody about this relapse, to write about it – because it is happening out there - to the weakest and the strongest of heroin addicts everywhere!
I remember my one friend, after he relapsed. He didn’t want anybody’s help. He was aggressive at times and didn’t give his co-operation at all. And somehow I understand it today. I have always co-operated in my recovery. Perhaps not always giving as much as I could have at that moment – but nevertheless, I did co-operate. I was never aggressive or angry because I wanted to get better, I calmly tried what I could. Yet today, I feel almost hostile, picking fights with people that only want to help, perhaps not being as open to a helping hand as I should be. I feel like I just want everybody to leave me alone while I get rid of it by myself.
But I know I can’t do it by myself. I tried this for the past few days and unsurprisingly failed every single day. I really just wanted to spare everybody the hurt and disappointment of going through this all again. I didn’t want to look anybody in the eyes and say those words: “I took heroin again!”
Thank you to everybody that has contacted me regarding this. I will do a blog post tomorrow to address some of what has been said. Of course, many still want to know how this happened and for that please read Monday’s blog!
Day 299 – “Understand. Understood.”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 19 September 2007)
Day 299 – “Understand. Understood.” (PRE-WRITTEN)
The cat is out of the bag and I’m guessing there are currently loads of people with a lot of questions to ask. However before we get to the ‘how’ or the ‘why’, to the ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ or ‘what went through your mind’, there are a few things I think I need to address first.
When I first started this blog it was as a diary to keep track of the progress I hoped I would be making. From the very first day my blog entries were very surprisingly, received extremely well, which gave me so much more reason and determination to make it to the next day. Before long, many of the devoted readers literally counted the hours until I made my next post and if I disappeared for too long it was only a matter of time before the messages came through to check up on me.
After a few weeks my blog became a tool to the many friends, mothers or fathers and brothers or sisters who were either fighting their own battle with heroin addiction or trying desperately to help a loved one fight theirs. I realized back then that telling my story was much more than just a diary for me to look back on one day – to some people it was their last hope, hope that against the odds it was possible, it didn’t have to be a death sentence.
I am a heroin addict, currently addicted to heroin!
I am saying these words to you today not to invoke sympathy, because remember by the time you read this, I would hopefully have stopped taking. I am not trying to give excuses or hide behind default answers that you might keep getting from your own loved ones – because remember, I could have kept quiet. My purpose with the posts of the next few days and weeks is what it has always been – to try and understand this addiction and rise above it and in the process help other to understand it too.
Day 298 – “Relapse!”
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 18 September 2007)
Day 298 – “Relapse!” (PRE-WRITTEN)
I have been thinking about this for weeks now. Should I say something or should I just keep quiet? Should I embrace the image created by the strength I have shown over these months and continue as a “recovering heroin addict” that miraculously manages to stay clean from heroin against all the odds? Or should I tell the truth about how heroin found a weak spot and wormed its way into my life again? The answer is easy, I guess… this blog has always been known for its honesty, infact it is almost famous for it. I would have to tell the truth!
And the truth is that I used heroin again. And what makes it so difficult to talk about this time is not only does it come months and months after I last took heroin, but it wasn’t just a one time occurrence like the other times – it lasted a while! How long and when it happened is something I have decided to leave out of the blog for now. I have my reasons for doing so and I hope you’ll respect my privacy regarding it.
In my numerous talks to those close to me over this period I realized just once again how little any of us understand about this addiction. That is, above all else, my main motivator for telling the story on the blogs again. After all I went through and learned, after all I put my family through and promised never to do again – it still happened again. I find myself almost helpless, clueless at this moment to give an answer to something that just doesn’t seems logical.
I know that I have a lot of explaining to many angry and disappointed people. The entries still to follow have all been written already and I must say after writing them the answer still doesn’t seem that clear to me. I hope you’ll share your comments, views and opinions with me. I have kept certain days open to respond to them and I’m hoping some of you will help me get an objective view on these events.
It is sad to say but moments like these it feels like everything I endured and survived over this period means nothing. It is like this long road of recovery I endured, lies almost non-existent with the new headline news posing on the front page: “I relapsed!”
Day 297 – “The answer to the question” (PRE-WRITTEN)
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 17 September 2007)
Day 297 – “The answer to the question” (PRE-WRITTEN)
The answer to the question is: “Yes!”
The words that fill the sentences on each of my blog entries are not just a spur of the moment creation written 5 minutes before I post them. No, they are planned! They have been thought about over and over again, pondering on each word. Their emotion, by themselves and as part as a series of other emotions all play a factor when deciding to use a particular one.
On some odd occasions a certain blog entry may take a few days to complete. Those blogs are filled with words that twirl in my head when I lay in bed at night waiting to fall asleep. Their message might be a bit more difficult to get across and no matter what words I try and use or how I try and put them – they will still seem so wrong in the end!
The answer to the question is “Yes!”
The words you are about to read today, tomorrow and the days that lie ahead of us have been twirling in my head for a number of days now. Today they finally make it to a sentence typed on the same keyboard that has typed all the sentences that came in the months before it. These sentences are of actual feelings and events that are real to me at the moment and even though you will only get to read them at an undetermined time in the future – I have no doubt that even then they will still be as real to me!
The answer to the question is “Yes!”
Did I take heroin again?
Day 294 – “Open eyes”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 14 September 2007)
Day 294 – “Open eyes”
It is Friday again after a week that literally flew by. The weather is not too hot and not too cold and it is actually a pleasure to work outside. This weekend I’ll be inside catching up on some outstanding computer work but more importantly finishing a series of pre-written blogs.
Since last month I have mentioned that I have a collection of blogs that I’ve been keeping “secret” for a while. Keeping them private for the time being was intended for many reasons, some of which I will discuss with you over this period. I feel that the content of them is very important in my continued story of heroin recovery and in the end just as much a learning tool to anybody that has ever found use in my blog.
I really hope that you’ll read what I have to say and give me your comments, opinions or questions. Even though the blogs are pre-written I will respond to your views on Fridays. I’ll try and be as honest with this as you’ve come to expect from me! Enjoy the weekend and see you all on Monday!
Day 285 – “Blackness becomes me"
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 5 September 2007)
Day 285 – “Blackness becomes me”
I would love to give you all the juicy details regarding my day at the job. However, I decided in the beginning that any details would just get me in trouble with management so I’ll have to be vague.
One thing I can tell you is that when I got home today I was covered in black dust. From my shoes to my hair everything was black. On my way to the guesthouse I stopped at the Pick and Pay in Ellisras to get a few things and you should have seen the way some of the people checked me out with my black face.
Ellisras is actually very busy in the mornings, I presume because of the mine and because of Eskom. I’m not sure how big it really it – but it appears much larger than I think it actually is. The people are surprisingly… uhm… sexy in this area and I had to stop a few times today to admire the talent that Ellisras provides.
We even went out tonight as a group to a lodge nearby that has a bar, pool tables and a swimming pool. If our accommodation had a swimming pool we would probably all have dived in when we got home. I got black in places I didn’t know I had!
But the most important thing I want to say is how much I enjoyed my day. Really, it has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time if you take in account that we worked in the scorching heat for the whole day on a black surface that most definitely attracted heat. And THIS formally glorified PA enjoyed it! I do still surprise myself daily at how much I enjoy what I do now and the challenges it provides in my life.
I cannot wait to go home on Friday and I miss my family and my home and my bed – and definitely my boyfriend whom I hope I will see. And of course, I miss my friends in blogworld and facebook!
