Sunday, 28 January 2007 – Day 66/48 – “Poll/Discussion 3 (continued)”
The following week will be spent talking about Addiction a lot. Got a lot to say and sort out regarding that.
Remember if you want this blog e-mailed to you daily you can contact me at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za and I'll send you a copy daily.
And if you have or know of stories of addiction, recovery, withdrawal or drugs you think should be shared with the world (and can't or don't want to publish on a blog of your own), please let me know aswell.
Lastly, there is one week left on the bi-weekly discussion. What do people do for fun, to pass the time, with their friends or their family when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?!
See you all tomorrow again with normal posting!
Day 66/48 – “Poll/Discussion 3 (continued)”
Day 65/47 – “Resurrection (By my friend Kay)”
Saturday, 27 January 2007 – Day 65/47 – “Resurrection (By my friend Kay)”
Falling, falling helplessly
Hurting, hurting endlessly
Collapsing, collapsing unusually
Feeling, feeling perpetually
Recovering, recovering increasingly
In the end…
There is only you better than any drug!
Give up all drugs, you must
Listen to me my friend
A drug is a fiend
Your life is too precious
Drugs can just give some joy
You can't always enjoy.
I can see far. . .
I can reach out almost touch you
You stand looking beautiful
In this less then beautiful world
This world, this old world
Filled with young fools
Who have an answer
For all the troubles of the day ?
They kill their mind with drugs
Foolish youth, wasted youth!
This sick sad addiction
Can't bring the best in you
Crushed you to dumps
Without it your life is empty once you thought
and maybe even now. . .
But, What it gave you ?
You've lost everything and more
Now you sit in a room
Wondering. . .
All the drugs in this world
Smirk at you
Remember, the one thing they can't do
Is the one thing that you want
Life. . .
Suffer. . .Suffer
Cry. .Cry
Don't feel any shame
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
The most massive characters are seamed with scars
Through the tears have the sorrowful first seen the gates of Heaven.
Say no to drugs and save your life
Say no to drugs, they are not your fulfilment
Say no to drugs and save your future
You have a dream, make it come true!
Posted with permission by my friend Kay, dedicated to me!
Picture of my Car Door!
This is a picture of the front driver side where I was hit. This is basically the worst, although the back door will probably need fixing aswell. Still waiting to hear how much the damage will be...
Day 64/46 – “SAPD - Sadly A Protracted Department"
Friday, 26 January 2007 – Day 64/46 – “SAPD - Sadly A Protracted Department”
My intention was to start today’s blog by telling you how impressed I was with the SAPD in Polokwane. Within 5-7 minutes we had them, the medics, tons of spectators and of course the tow trucks there. Everything went very smoothly. The policeman filled out the paperwork, took both our details and report on the incident. He told us to phone after two the following day to get the case number.
So… forward to two o’clock yesterday afternoon. I phoned the local police office and after 12 minutes of paging through the book (which seemed to start at 1985) he still didn’t find anything. I decided to phone back this morning and again exactly the same story. Either he is paging through a Harry Potter book or… my accident report got lost somewhere.
Now, I wasn’t on drugs and I wasn’t drinking, but I was in shock. I didn’t get the other guy’s details or the policeman’s details. It was the first time I was in an accident like this and I couldn’t even remember my dad’s phone number to phone him – so I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly. So at this point, it seems… the police department has not failed again in their reputation of being incompetent and useless. Now... I will have to go into the police station anyway and fill in an accident report AGAIN having no details of the other party.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about yesterday’s post. I wrote the blog entry about an hour after the accident. I was still very upset. I look at how bad the door is where the car hit me and I know that having minor injuries is a miracle and blessing. And even in that situation taking heroin didn’t cross my mind once. Heroin, as a nervous system depressant, helps for pain – so it would have been so easy to just take heroin instead of dealing with it.
But, I am alive. I am not badly hurt and I didn’t take heroin. These are all things I should be happy and proud of – and I am! Thank you to the tons of e-mails I received yesterday. The support system I have not only for my troubled heroin times but for troubled times in general is amazing. I thank you all very much and have a great weekend!
Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”
Thursday, 25 January 2007 – Day 63/45 – “Balancing the scales”
It is just like 100 days ago, 63 days ago, 45 days ago. No matter what I do, karma, God, whoever you think is the higher power in your life is getting back at me. It is so wrong to think it, but maybe I should just have died. When our cars collided yesterday… maybe I should just have died!
I was in a car accident last night. I am okay, except for a sore leg where the car hit me. The medics checked me out and nothing is broken but my muscles are so sore I can hardly move my leg or walk on it. I have a few bruises and cuts, but other than that I’m still alive. My car, however, doesn’t look that good. If you look at the car I think it is a miracle that I wasn’t hurt badly. My doors, my dash, even the umbrella in my boot (totally on the other side of the car) was broken in bits. My windows all broke from the impact and even the glasses on my face were propelled from my face onto the other car.
I stood there thinking… I don’t have the energy for this, my mother, my father – they don’t have the energy for this. We are still going through on of the most challenging things I think can happen to a family or a person, last week saw the changes at work which has us all stressed to high levels and now, literally with a BANG comes the next problem. They don’t deserve this – BUT I DO!
I have done many wrongs in my life, especially towards my family and I think the scales needs a lot of work before they will ever balance. I have been flooded by people thanking me for my stories, the reality of it, my courage, my honesty and I sooth my conscience by thinking that at least I am doing good by writing this blog. Every day I am one day closer to repaying my debt. These blogs aren’t only my biggest saviour but for many, my life, my reality has shown them that they too can lead a better life.
This isn’t exactly the better life they were referring to, but yet again the writer(s) of my life story keeps me on my toes. I know these are all material things so I am very fortunate not to be hurt badly. Still this feeling of guilt hangs over me today like the rain clouds in this country at the moment. I know until I balance the scales everybody around me, especially my family, will still hurt and suffer!
Day 62/44 – “Isle C – Lives on special”
Wednesday, 24 January 2007 – Day 62/44 – “Isle C – Lives on special”
I went shopping this weekend to get some groceries for my mother. The only time I used to go shopping was on my Woolies card buying overly expensive items for myself I didn’t need. I used to buy a lot of stuff on top of all the cash I was withdrawing. It made me feel better when the realization of the live I was leading, was setting in.
This weekend wasn’t a shopping spree of guilt or feeling better. It was actually a grown-up task (if you want to call it that). It was like I was living on my own doing the weekly or monthly shopping of essentials before I go home to my place and just hang.
Don’t get me wrong. I am incredibly happy living with my parents. There was a time last year I told them I would move out. If they want me to, I would go. My heroin addiction was ripping the family apart and I couldn’t stop it – not at the time. I would rather live on the street somewhere than do to my parents what I did to them daily.
Of course, had they allowed me to make that choice I would have been dead or in jail by now – guaranteed. Now, much more than ever I am glad that I am here with them.
Joining yesterday’s conversation about ending up a 40 year old bachelor, I would prefer not to be living with my parents either when I’m 40. That would just be a perfect picture, wouldn’t it! My cats, my parents and I – in one house. Again, my actions have set me back so much I won’t afford a place of my own anytime soon.
I love going shopping – even when I’m buying groceries. I’ve thought maybe it’s the people. I just love looking at them, especially the cute ones (hey, I’m human), trying to figure out their story - their life. Do they look at me – trying to figure out mine? Or maybe I like it because for that brief moment I am just like everybody else again!
Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone"
Tuesday, 23 January 2007 – Day 61/43 – “On the couch: Alone”
I like cactus plants. I had three of them – they all died.
What am I afraid of - Being alone! I’m afraid of ending up a 40 year old bachelor who can count the amount of serious relationships he has had on one hand and still have fingers left.
There was a long time ago when I used to go out at night looking for people to meet. Like if I looked hard enough and in the right places I would find somebody – anybody! Every night ended miserably because my purpose was to find someone and I seemed to waste every night while I pointlessly searched and found no-one.
I wasn’t a model. I didn’t look like a movie star – I would never look like one. But I wasn’t ugly; I was a good guy with a great personality. I realized one day that if I spent my life looking for someone the whole time I would end up miserable and alone anyway. So, I changed. I started living like I was the only one that made myself happy – I didn’t need a “better half” to make me better.
The city I live in is small. The options are limited. My self-esteem is very low. And I am going through heroin recovery. Seems like I am just adding to the long list of obstacles that will keep me from finding anybody.
I am mentioning this and you might be thinking what this has got to do with my heroin recovery. I sat a large part of this weekend thinking about the disease I have called addiction. How my addiction has been one thing, then another, then another. It simply won’t go away until I find the problem! Seeing as I am totally in debt I can’t afford to see a physiatrist right now. So, the next best thing has been sitting on the blog-couch telling my story for the past 60 days.
Today, this is my story. A story about an insecure, hopeless romantic that thinks there is still good and love in the world. I believe that, because I’m still here. After all that happened, after all my sins, I am still here, with more love than ever to give. And as unappreciated as it might sound right now… I’m afraid… afraid of being here 14 years from now – still very much alone!
Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"
Monday, 22 January 2007 - Day 60/42 - "A bit of traffic"
I don’t think I’m strong enough for that yet. I have thought about it, but it is just too dangerous. To most it would seem harmless enough but to me it is waving a carrot in front of a donkey. There are three movies I would like to see again, very much. Due to the topic of the movies – I am avoiding them for the moment.
“Trainspotting”, “Requiem for a Dream” and “Basketball Diaries” are some of the most brilliant drug stories you’ll ever see – especially about heroin addiction. “Basketball Diaries” was the first time Mark Wahlberg (who I knew from Calvin Klein underwear modeling) and Leonardo di Caprio (who I first saw on Growing Pains in 1992) worked together. They, along with one of my other favorite actors Matt Damon worked on a movie together again – “The Departed”. It is an absolutely brilliant piece of work. I sat through the 150 minute movie hoping it would never end.
Without giving anything about the plot away it is essentially about two people working under cover, leading double lives. I find the concept of a “double life” very intriguing. As I walked out of the movie I thought of how my own life was lived almost like a double life for a very long time. By myself I was a heroin addict, I stole, manipulated, cheated – all to keep my addiction going. Among my friends I pretended to be okay, like I wasn’t taking or wasn’t craving. In front of my family I was either trying to get clean or totally clean – that was my double life.
In the movie there is one line I want to quote: “I want my identity back…” Leonardo said this and I sat there saying the same to myself. Seven years ago my life went on a detour along a path that lead me to drugs. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to the highway – which is the proper course of my life - my identity! Then again, maybe the road I took wasn’t a detour – maybe all that happened was destined to happen this way and I’ve been on the highway this whole time – just getting a bit of traffic!
Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"
Sunday, 21 January 2007 - Day 59/41 - "Poll/Discussion 3"
“Have you read my blog before?” that was the poll question for the past two weeks. Thank you to the almost 600 people that visited my blogspot page and to the 91 people that took the time to vote.
The results are:
I never miss an entry (63%)
I’ve read it a few times and find it very informative (20%)
It is the first time I’ve read it (12%)
I’ve stumbled apon it a few times (5%)
Thank you again to those that participated. The next two weeks is more of a discussion. Comment, e-mail whatever you need to do, but I would like the world’s input on this:
What do people do on weekdays, Fridays, Saturdays when no drugs or alcohol can be involved?
For most this might seem a simple question. To a person living in a very small city with limited entertainment, who has made drugs part of his live for 6 years – this is slightly harder.
Day 58/40 - "3 Feet Under (By TiN)"
Saturday, 20 January 2007 - Day 58/40 - "3 Feet Under (By TiN)"
Withdrawal is like 3 feet under,
Halfway to my grave...
Retching into the toilet bowl
Attacking the centre core of my soul,
This parasitic hunger yearns for release
But the signs say Don't feed the beast.
Sweating profusely from this narcotic low
Remember : " You reap what you sow"
The memory of numbness fades
Learning to live life AGAIN, my latest escapade.
I'm the type
Who used to live life through a straw or pipe
Believed all the hype
Now i stare in the mirror
Sunken eyes speak of past failure
'Who are you?
you stranger
Seeking escape
You're a drug addict for fucks sake
Recovery is like being born again
Learning to survive through this unbelievable pain
Withdrawal is like being 3 feet under :
Deep darkness and burning hunger.
Halfway to my grave,
Entrenched in addiction, I'm the slave
The road to freedom
Strengthens my reason
to conquer this issue,
With many more a tissue
I want to live, natural high, let me try...
3 Feet under...
My pipe, my straw
Halfway to your grave...
Withdrawal is like 3 feet under,
Halfway to my grave...
Posted with permission by a Fellow Recovering Addict - TiN (read more here)
Day 57/39 – “A brown christmas"
Friday, 19 January 2007 - Day 57/39 – “A brown Christmas"
Firstly, this might sound a bit presumptuous... but a few people have asked me to e-mail my blog to them everyday. Since, I am already doing this for a few friends I gladly do it. Should there be somebody else who want the blog mailed to them daily aswell, please send me your e-mail address at tristanbailey@mailbox.co.za
Secondly, as I said last week on Saturdays I'll be posting something written by somebody else. Tomorrow's post is by a fellow recovering addict and is really a brilliant piece. On Sunday - a new poll to learn more about the drug habbits of the blogging world plus the results from the previous poll.
Thirdly, I think most of my friends will agree I have a good sense of humour. I hope you fill find the humour in the following video. There are so much negativity and depressing things to say about heroin and it is nice to sometimes just lay back, relax and even just smile.
I'm sure the intention when making it was not to offend anybody struggling with the problem, as it is also not mine by posting it. If I can find the humour in this... I'm sure anybody can!
Hope you have power long enough to watch. Let me know what you think!
Day 56/38 – “I had a dream… (remembering)"
Thursday, 18 January 2007 - Day 56/38 – “I had a dream… (remembering)"
There are still people out there confused about the numbers on the top of each blog. The first number is the days since I’ve been in recovery. The second number is the amount of days since I last took heroin. These numbers were never supposed to be different – but hey, things don’t always work out that way. Rest assured I have NOT taken. But I still remember the day that started the split, disappointing, angering and saddening a lot of people. Here is the original post from Tuesday, 12 December 2006 - Day 19/1 - "I had a dream..."
I had a dream last night. A dream so vivid the particulars lies permanently imprinted in my mind. Every detail leaves me craving for more. I usually don’t remember my dreams – but the heroin dreams I never forget. Some dreams are so intensely real that they turn into wet-dreams. In my dream, I remember phoning the dealer, waiting for the pickup, preparing the heroin and injecting – it is all so real to me when I dream. At times my mind makes it so real that I have to pinch myself occasionally to make sure that I am still dreaming. I pinched myself last night… and found it wasn’t a dream anymore – this time it was real!
I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at myself, disappointed, looking for a reason: a good one, a bad one, anything that will help me understand – but there is nothing! I didn’t plan it, I didn’t want to take, I don’t want to take now – but it still happened.
My parents are furious. They almost kicked me out of the house last night, without a phone or a car. All my bank cards, credit cards, clothing cards were destroyed in anger. I know I messed up, what I don’t know is: Why!? I took less than a quarter of the quantity I normally took and I’m still sitting here in my towering drug high and never-ending sickness hoping I’ll figure out what triggered it – what can I do to avoid it next time? I am mere seconds away from being shipped to Rehab. If I as much as look in the wrong direction I’m off.
It is not easy writing today’s blog. Even though I made a promise when I started this blog to be truthful at all times - It breaks my heart to publicly admit I failed. I made it to Day 18 and in one minute of confident celebration at a clean drug test I lost it all again. I wasn’t sure if I should even continue with another post today. Doesn’t this just signal the inevitable end of My Heroin Recovery now?
I’m sorry, friends, that this had to be the topic for today. I have been trying to convince myself to keep on fighting. The person writing this blog entry today is a much stronger and wiser person than the one that wrote down the words ‘Day 1’. I made a mistake and regretted it 2 seconds after it happened. It was as if I was a 3rd person looking onto the events unable to say or do a thing, it was like I was just having a dream – a bad dream!
P.S) Three days left to vote on the poll on the right!
Day 55/37 – “Tom, Dick and Heroin"
Wednesday, 17 January 2007 - Day 55/37 – “Tom, Dick and Heroin"
The poem yesterday was written a while back. So, rest assured I was not in that kind of mood yesterday. Interestingly enough I started writing the poem before I ever even took heroin (but obviously thinking about taking…) and finished it while I was addicted to it.
I have increasingly been improving over the past few days. My pain, especially the depression, is slowly disappearing. I am so excited knowing that one of these days I am going to wake up and even the pain and discomfort I feel now will be a distant memory of my previous heroin use.
My day at the office yesterday was a disaster. Since it is work related I can’t reveal the problem – but it shook the whole company from cleaner to owner. I literally and strangely sat trembling in my chair after hearing the news. I’m not sure why, guess the news at that moment was just a bit unexpected and overwhelming.
I’m not sure if it is in my head or not, but after hearing the news yesterday I felt pretty bad again. Almost as if the pain in my muscles, joints, legs, bones and head – were all connected to my mood of the day – which I presume it could be. I got home last night and just lay down thinking. Mostly of the problems that was facing us and what I could to from my side to solve them. And then it occurred to me…
Here I was, facing one of the biggest, most stressful things that have happened in my 6 years with the company and I was handling it. The just-60-days-ago version of me would have found an excuse earlier on during the day to slip away and buy heroin. I would have been emotionless, oblivious to the problems, detached from finding a solution.
I got an e-mail yesterday of a person “proud” of my recovery and more importantly my honesty. I go through a day like this and although I am proud of my 55 days, I am most proud of days like these: My true sign of recovery, of making progress, of leaving that life behind and moving forward. When the day to day issues and problems that would normally send me fleeing to the dealer – are handled just like other people would – without drugs!
Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"
Tuesday, 16 January 2007 - Day 54/36 - "Bargaining with the devil"
I hurt myself with a knife today.
Deeper marks different from the way I would normally play.
Marks to prove I was still alive, I could still feel the pain,
which after all of this bleeding I still contain.
I am dangerously close to stepping over this line.
This line of things and of people that I would normally decline.
Things I would never even dare to discover,
lying in my reach… in undecided hover.
I remember the feeling. I remember the time
when doing these things were a much bigger crime.
Perhaps not by law but by moral degree
were those substances we now too often see.
Dulled by habit and expensive addiction.
Fuelled by issues and dayly friction.
Kept alive through instigation.
Drugged to forget our obligation.
Organs damaged beyond restoration
to dance and dance till dehydration.
Calling the devil for my assasination.
Today it is me the devil is greeting.
After countless years of avoiding this meeting.
It is fate that has brought me here to accomplish my goal.
I am here to sell my soul!
To try the things of which I”ve always pondered
and to get the answers of which I’ve always wondered.
I am being chased by the dragon across the line
shaking hands with the devil for one last time.
There is no turning back from this poison I spray
While I hurt myself with a knife today!
Day 53/35 - "Gillmore Boys"
Monday, 15 January 2007 - Day 53/35 - "Gillmore Boys"
I met somebody a few days ago. I’ve been trying for two days to get the words to describe my feelings. I’m totally infatuated! We spend the whole night talking. It was like I was doing a scripted conversation in a “Gilmore Girls” episode. It was almost rhythmic, like a ball bouncing back and forth between us… each one with something to say.
Yes, I’m totally infatuated! It should imply that it is something romantic but… regrettably it is not. I won’t get the fairy tale ending just yet, for several reasons: sexual preference, an existing relationship and of course, the ever dangling heroin addiction.
I’m not supposed to be involved with anybody. Perhaps I’ve watched too many movies but I think I’m supposed to get a plant first. If the plant doesn’t die I can get a pet and if the pet lives I can move onto human beings. Unfortunately, I’ve never been good with keeping plans alive – so it is going to take a while!
My previous relationships were rocky. There were a lot of ups and downs and it was emotional at the best of times. I try and imagine a relationship in the future and wonder how I would react to those same situations now. Since, the other night won’t result in a relationship the best case scenario will be friends. But it will be friends with a very talented, interesting, funny, creative and intelligent human being.
My choices are much more responsible and grownup now. Any situation that could potentially let me even think of taking heroin again is totally avoided. So, even if cupid’s arrow hit us both the other night and we fell madly in love – I’m pretty sure having a relationship would be something I avoided!
Day 52/34 - "Me, myself and I!"
Sunday, 14 January 2006 - Day 52/34 - "Me, myself and I!"
Thank you to the people that have voted in the Poll this past week. 63 votes of whom 70% don't miss an entry. To those that haven't voted yet, hope you'll participate on the right.
Also, I am changing my avatar and need your opinion. As always I'm keeping it honest and real - so all of them are me... hope you'll help me chose a new one below!
Day 51/33 - "And then there were change..."
Saturday, 13 January 2006 - Day 51/33 - "And then there were change..."
Day 51 has arrived and it is time for a slight change to the format. From now on I'll be posting the entries on my recovery from Monday to Friday. Even now there are so much more to tell and as time goes by I hope to reveal all with the same honesty I have up to now. Saturdays, however I'll be posting an entry from related heroin stories, which I hope will inspire you as much as they do me! And every second Sunday there will be a new poll. I hope you'll participate to learn more about the drug habits of the blogging world.
I'll post a few options for a new avatar tomorrow. Hope you'll help me chose a new one for the next 50 days!
Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"
Friday, 12 January 2007 - Day 50/32 - "Give me a... FIFTY!"
Has anything changed? In 50 days of Heroin Recovery... how much of that old life is still being lived?
I walk through the house sometimes and when everybody is busy somewhere I get these flashbacks of how it used to be: How I used to wait for everybody to get away from the kitchen so that I could sneak out of the back door and get my drugs. I imagine sometimes when I walk out of my room they time me to see how long I take to get back. How much time do I spend in the kitchen? Do I go out the back door and if so, where do I go?
Do they wonder where I go on Saturdays? I have this routine where I go to watch a movie at the cinema every Saturday. As I've always done I go alone. Do they wonder if I actually go? How long do I stay there? Who do I meet? What do I buy?
Or what do I buy when they give me money? I don't get to handle money that much anymore. I don't have control over any of my accounts, credit cards, loans - nothing! But then again, they are all maxed out, over limit, overdue - so I can't do much with them anyway. When I go out I have to ask for money, a sort of allowance. The amount usually differs depending on where I go but sometimes it is the equivalent of what heroin would have costed before. When I take the money I wonder if they think I'm going to buy heroin with it!
When I'm out with friends and I drive back home alone, my friends call to check up on me. They phone to make sure I got home safe and didn't do something stupid along the way - like buy heroin, of course. When I go home I try and drive as fast as possible. I always anticipate that call from my mother or from my friends asking why I'm taking so long? Did I stop somewhere? It only takes mere minutes to get drugs - any delay could make anybody suspicious!
When I get home it always seems asif my parents are looking at my arms. Trying to catch a track mark without grabbing my arms and checking. I feel so self-conscious moving my arms in any position. If I fold it, do they think I am hiding something? When I walk into the door and the light falls on my eyes - how big are my pupils? If I'm tired - how sleepy do I look? Do they think I just took Heroin?
50 days have passed and still I find myself paranoid at my own actions and the thoughts of others. The lifestyle I lived before is still with me everyday. I am still reminded of what I did sitting here, moving anywhere in the house or going out.
I celebrate today because I have reached a point where I never thought I could be. 50 days ago this day was unthinkable. My mind could not grasp a time where heroin would not be ruling my life. I only hoped I had the strength to get here and now I am here! But on this day I realize that the fight is only beginning. Every day brings a new phase, a new challenge, a new obstacle to overcome. Some as a direct result of my heroin use, others subsequent affects of it.
To my friends and my family who stood by me for these 50 days. The good days, the bad days, the depressing and the sore days. To the people who looked after me, protected me, locking me away sometimes. To the bloggers who read and don't comment, to the comforting words of those that do or to those that e-mail or instant message. To all those that has been with me these past 50 days or to those that stumbled upon the blog a few days back - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there supporting me!
I imagine the next 50 days will be spend much more in the real world. Returning more and more to the life of a normal person but so being faced with more and more obstacles that will try and hurt my recovery. I find comfort in the fact that I write this blog today and I am willing to fight off anything thrown my way. I am willing to go to any lengths to be writing this blog and thanking you again in another 50 days!
Day 49/31 - "A hundred and one (part 2)"
Thursday, 11 January 2007 - Day 49/31 - "A hundred and one (part 2)"
Continues from Part 1...
After reading Part 1, I doesn't really seem like I give my parents as much time to heal as I want for myself. That was not my intention with the first part. I decided to include it as a background for part 2...
When my mother and I both calmed down and spoke rationally about it, I began to understand a bit of where she was coming from. She didn't just worry about me taking again, even though that was the first thing she said to me. I have been overly depresed, sore and tired the last few days. Going to Joburg meant more than a three hour drive there, meeting the whole day and then the drive back - all my myself. So, the concern wasn't just a relapse but more if I could physically handle such a long day alone.
So, it might seem that I am very selfish in my reaction but I hope that you see my side aswell. I beg of you not to take this as a 'cry for help' or 'attention'. I am not faking my own death (as that is becoming popular these days)... this is my life... this is my heroin recovery!
I love my parents. I love them more than I love anybody else on this earth. They are the reason I am alive today. I might have been the one that decided to stop taking heroin - but THEY kept me alive to get to the day where I could make that decision. I know for a fact I would have been in jail or dead if it weren't for them helping me through this time. And while they were helping me, giving me everything they had, I was using, abusing and hurting them. Day by day I continued to crush them without showing any remorse. I can never, not for one day, by any action make up or repay them for that - EVER!
But I do one thing even if it is for us all to sleep better at night - I stay clean! Seeing my mother like I did this morning - breaks my heart. Seeing their faces when I go out or when I come back at night, those questioning, hoping eyes, praying that I didn't take again - breaks my heart. It is when I see them like that again, that the thoughts of 'why am I doing this?' runs in my mind. I am finished. I am totally exausted. The fighting I have in me each day barely gets me to bed at night. Tomorrow I go through it all again - because I know I will never be here again. I will never feel like this ever again. But more importantly, and this is the reason for the blog entry, I will never hurt my parents like this again!
If that day counter resets to one - you will not see me make an entry for day two. People often critizie suicide because you leave people behind that care about you, that have to hurt and wonder while you are gone. My parents will not hurt or wonder when I am gone. They will know! They will know that they will rather have a dead son than a heroin addict again!
Day 48/30 - "A hundred and one (part 1)"
Wednesday, 10 January 2007 - Day 48/30 - "A hundred and one (part 1)"
Why am I even doing this? Why am I putting myself though this? Why can't I just get into my car right now and go get high and forget about the world?
This is how I felt this morning. I can't even recall all the thoughts or feelings surrounding it. I can just remember one thing. My mother crying. Crying like she caught me with a needle in my arm. Hurting like she found me stealing money from her handbag. Day 48 and I stood next to her while she cried, speechless. It felt like nothing changed!
I need to go to Johannesburg tomorrow for business. This is very last minute. I am the only person that can represent the company on this issue - so there is really no one else to send. When I was told this, I immediately thought to myself that my parents might not like the idea. They might have their concerns but, worst case scenario is I'll get the usual warnings and all is good. After all, I have been showing nothing but progress leading up to this point.
When I told my mother I had to go she went balistic - I mean hysterical. I didn't know what to say. She stood there crying, carying on, on how I could even consider going! What if I took again? And how can I blame her for feeling this way?
I sat there thinking how I've been waking up depressed and sore and tired every morning. How I go out with friends and my parents still sit up worrying if I'm going to take again. How I still have to explain every move I make, every sent I spend! A trip like this comes along and the first thing she says to me is 'what if I take again?', 'how can they trust me?', 'how can I go alone?' If this is what I do to myself and more importantly my parents WITHOUT taking heroin - then why did I stop? I am still going to hurt tomorrow, anyway! They are still going to worry tomorrow, anyway! Their tears, distrust, warnings - it will all be there tomorrow, anyway!
Then why am I doing this?
Part 2 continues...
Day 47/29 - "Taking again"
Tuesday, 9 January 2007 - Day 47/29 - "Taking again"
There are still good and bad days when it comes to the pain of the withdrawal. It is a topic for another day, but I'm still withdrawing. I used to wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just took again to see if the pain would go away. You know how it goes, just once, just one time and then never again. Just once to have that feeling again, just once to let all the physical and emotional pain go away.
I don't recall thinking about any of this on the Monday I last took. Maybe it was a part of the motivation. I was struggling with the pain for quite a while and it wasn't looking like it was lighting up. Heroin would take it all away!
It did - take the pain away. For a while at least. It was an infomercial promising to relieve you of all your pain, all your worries, all of it gone - or your money back! But the side affects were still there. It still hurt the people around me, more now than it did before. It still dragged me down to an intellect-, a hygiene-, a zombie lebel of a person I was never supposed to be. I would come down off heroin eventually and the hurt would just have increased. It solved nothing!
Or perhaps not nothing. Statistically I would have taken sooner or later. Taking that day made it clear to me how dangerous heroin was to me now. It wasn't the slow acting poison like it used to be, it was rapid now. It would have no mercy when it came to dragging me down to those levels again. I don't deny that there was a part of me that still wanted to take one day, someday in the future. But on that Monday that part of me died!
Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"
Monday, 8 January 2007 - Day 46/28 - "The Wall at the Mall"
I never knew how fast it was. It took between 2 - 4 seconds before you felt the rush throughout your whole body. When I was withdrawing and I injected it took away the pain immediately, the pain disappearing all over your body as the heroin spreads through it. It was a like a snake bit me and the poison was numbing my body until I felt nothing.
One of the places I usually felt nothing was the local mall. The parking lot at the mall was one of the places I used to spike heroin. I was there again, last week. I sat on the sidewalk and looked at the parking places. It was usually the destination of every outing. My first call when I left the house, or sometimes when I was still in the house, was to the dealer. My first stop was at the pickup point, usually just around the corner and then I stopped at the mall. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to the mall. The heroin haunted me and I impatiently stopped next to a road somewhere and injected there.
I felt strangely proud of myself sitting there in the parking lot last week. I was on the other side of a wall I never thought I would get over. Every time I visited the mall it kept getting higher and higher. Last week I was there alone. I could have so easily picked up the phone, made that call and landed up on the wrong side of that wall again – but I didn’t want to!
I still think about it everyday. The thoughts have changed a lot, but not a day goes by that it doesn’t come into play. Sometimes the thoughts are stronger than others, sometimes the craving is too. But I have come to point where “No”, is the default to the questions I ask in my head. “Never” is the response to the cravings in my body. Rejection is what I show to the other side of that wall!
Day 45/27 - "He knew"
Sunday, 7 January 2007 - Day 45/27 - "He knew"
He knew he was going to die. He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he would never be able to separate from it. He knew each time he pushed the needle into his collapsing veins that sooner or later his organs, his body, his life would all fail him. One by one they would leave him until the only thing that remained was the last bit of breath he blew from his body, that and the damage of heroin.
I can remember him like I saw him yesterday. It was a sight that most people should never get to see, especially not his parents. He was lying there, wild eyes, yellowish face, sunken eyes. I had never seen anybody like this before. He was delusional, most of the times he didn’t know where he was – but he kept saying “Sorry!” Sorry for the things he has done, sorry for letting it all go this far, sorry for dying.
He knew he was going to die. He wrote in his diary prior to his death that he knew he wasn’t going to live a long life. He told me on several occasions how he couldn’t stand the withdrawal and would rather keep on taking the drugs than face it. I think he knew his body wouldn’t be able to take much more.
I visited him in hospital that day. I looked at him lying there. We weren’t the best of friends but he was always good to me. He stood up for me, protected me – we spend a lot of time together. And there I was hours after taking heroin myself helplessly staring at him, unable to protect him.
In the midst of my emotionless staring I thought to myself I don’t want to end up like this. I don’t want to put my parents through this, this stress, this pain, this uncertainty. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to stop. I thought to myself if there was a switch I could flip to make it all go away I would have done it a long time ago. But even with him lying there, staring death in the face neither of us could switch it off. The first chance either of us got we would have gone to find heroin.
But he never made it that far. His funeral was a week after that day. I entered the church with not much recollection of how much heroin I took just moments before. My eyes were dim and my pupils were hardly visible. I sat down and nodded off occasionally as the heroin spread through my body, listening to the story of his life.
A story of a boy that lost his life at such a young age. Heroin only had him in its clutches for 10 months, 7 of those he was on heroin, but during that time he used 10 times as much as me. Thinking back at the times we took heroin together I realize that each time we took it was minutes closer to his death – to mine... He knew that heroin was what he was looking for his whole life and he knew most of all he would never be able to separate from it. He knew he was going to die!
Please vote on the poll on the right
Day 44/26 - "Poll 2"
Saturday, 6 January 2006 - Day 44/26 - "Poll 2"
This weeks poll (please vote on the right):
Have you read any of my blogs on "My Heroin Recovery" before?
Last weeks poll (Results):
Have you ever taken drugs?
I have tried drugs, but not heroin (42 votes) - 61.8%
Drugs! Never! (22 votes) - 32.4%
I have injected heroin! (3 votes) - 4.4%
I have smoked but NOT injected heroin (1 vote) - 1.5%
I want to try drugs! (no votes) - 0%
Day 43/25 - "All too easy"
Friday, 5 January 2007 - Day 43/25 - "All too easy"
My whole life was like one of those movies where you live the same day over and over again until you finally get it right. For months I was living this same day and messing it up every time. I knew I had the strength inside of me but it started to look like heroin was stronger than me.
There was a time I didn’t think I would get over it. I was ready to throw in the towel. I think at many occasions my parents probably felt the same. If death was what heroin was going to do me then so be it, but I couldn’t fight any more. We all say and do things when we are angry, hurt or tired. So, yes there was a time I think all of us hoped I would just die!
And then after all that… one day I just woke up and decided to fight back and never live the life of a drug addict again. It all seems too easy, doesn’t it?! I blame it on the rest of the world. They kept insisting that I wouldn’t be able to do it without Rehab or that it wouldn’t just take a few weeks at home to get better. Even my parents have been asking it a lot lately: “doesn’t it all seem too easy?” And to be truthfully honest at times I wonder about it myself. There was a time I was ready to die and look at me now…
But it isn’t that easy. I’m still tired and sick everyday. I’m still sore and depressed every day. I’m still broke and in debt every day. I’m still questioned and warned, doubted and watched every single day. But I keep fighting, I stay positive and optimistic – so that I can stay clean everyday!
Day 42/24 - "Rules of Engagement"
Thursday, 4 January 2007 - Day 42/24 - "Rules of Engagement"
Ouch, my aching head!
Why, oh, why did I drink that glass of wine…
and the one after that…
and the one after that…
ah, my aching head!
It is no secret that I am still consuming some alcohol. Every time I take a drink I am reminded just how dangerous it still is to me. One sip and I start getting these splitting headaches. I should probably listen to my body and stop!
I am not reckless or irresponsible at all. If I drink it is usually in a crowd and I don’t drive home alone. That way I can’t just stop somewhere to get heroin. But alcohol puts you in another frame of mind, as it is also a mind altering substance. And since I’m an addict when it comes to mind altering substances – I’m playing Russian roulette every time I drink!
Since the blog started many more people have started reading it. My family here and spread out across the country, the friends who see me on a regular basis or those that haven’t seen me in a while – they all have the blog address now. They know who I am, they know my number, and they know my parents. My boss, my colleagues, my brother, my parents – soon all will be reading.
It is a scary thought. It increasingly creates pressure on exactly how much of the truth I can comfortably tell. This is after all diary and from time to time bits of information might pop up that people that know me well – were never supposed to know. So, perhaps I’ll just practice a bit of discretion when it comes to matters not directly related to the recovery. If I start censoring the blog it kind of defeats one of the purposes. So, buckle up dear family, friends, colleagues and those ‘one night stands’, put the kiddies to bed and sit down for this – because all will still be revealed!
Day 41/23 - "Echo"
Wednesday, 3 January 2007 - Day 41/23 - "Echo"
She checks my arms, twists them around trying to find a hint of a needle mark somewhere. Even after weeks of not using I still have faint trackmarks on my arms – but you can see they are old. I’m confident because I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t have to worry that she’ll see the needle marks on my arms or hidden away on my hands – because they aren’t there. They haven’t been there in quite a while. It hurts when she does this because it doesn’t feel like we’ve made any progress. Today, it doesn’t feel like I’m on day 41!
If I even think of taking drugs again; if I as much as look at a drug dealer; if they ever find out I’ve lied to them – they’ll kick me out. These are the warnings I hear on a regular basis. Last week I wanted to go to the movies and I started getting the warnings. This paranoid conversation where I was accused of mindlessly staring into the mirror, probably planning how I was going to get my drugs. My cell-phone was taken immediately, without even asking and checked for hints of any wrong doing. I didn’t even feel like going to the movies after that!
For eight months they came with the threats, limits, warnings, accusations, hurt, sorrow and even anger – none of it stopped me. If I didn’t want to stop taking heroin nobody would be able to make me stop. They could have sent me away for months and the first chance I got I would have been back at the dealer. It is harsh, but it is true!
But I do want to stop now! I am making every effort to insure I get rid and stay rid of heroin. So, I tell my mother that if I wanted to take heroin I would have done it already. I’ve had over a 100 opportunities over the past few weeks to do it, but I didn’t take. I didn’t want to. I am not going to!
I see their side as well. They are hurt and unsure, I get that. None of us will be able to forget about heroin because the affects are still in our everyday lives. I am doing better, better than I ever thought I would do again and sometimes it feels like they still don’t see that.
Am I overreacting? I want them to able to rest assured that I won’t take heroin when I go out, but the truth is that if heroin was what I wanted to do – no warning or plead would stop me! They know this… so why the warnings, why do I have to be reminded of heroin everyday?
Day 40/22 - "Remembering Day 1"
Tuesday, 2 January 2007 - Day 40/22 - "Remembering Day 1"
This post was originally written on 10 November 2006. I tried to get to Day 2, but didn’t make it. The following week I tried and failed again. Then on 24 November 2006 I posted this entry and it officially started My Heroin Recovery, I almost didn’t make it to Day 2 again… here is to remembering Day 1!
I remember a time when I woke up early in the mornings, energized and eager to start the day. I couldn’t wait to go to work and share my day with the same old faces and interesting new ones I would meet along the way. That was a time when I could come and go as I pleased with no question as to my actions or regret by me when they are done.
I remember money in the bank. It wasn’t much but it was there. I worked hard for it, every cent of it and I never stole a thing. It was a time when I had friends – real friends. Those that wanted to spend every moment with me because I was good conversation. Those that answered their phones when they saw your number because they knew you weren’t just using them or stealing from them. Those that weren’t ashamed to be seen with you in public.
I remember my mother and father. Two happy people who loved, trusted and respected me. Who slept at night because they didn’t worry about what their son was up to. Who cried when they saw a heartbreaking movie and not because they were hurt or disappointed, yet again. I remember a brother who spoke to me like we were best friends and didn’t ignore me like the plague.
I remember a day a long time ago when I would never have used heroin. The thought of heroin or a needle - it was unthinkable. I remember that day because I was not relying on anybody to feel normal or happy or in control. I didn’t spend hours waiting for dealers just to have a moment of gratification. Cravings were for chocolates and I could handle my emotions.
Yes, I remember a life. I don’t know if I can ever have it again. But this is me trying... this is Day One!
Day 39/21 - "First Day"
Monday, 1 January 2007 - Day 39/21 - "First Day"
It is the first day of 2007. Our party went down nicely although not totally as planned. We shot fireworks, danced, drank and even spent some time in a Jacuzzi. I didn’t use heroin, I didn’t drink too much – but I did catch a cold. I figure my immune system is still not what it is supposed to be. It only took a few seconds for me to dress warmly and still I got sick.
So, this day isn’t exactly being spent ideally. I got home at 10 o’clock this morning after partying from 6 yesterday night. So, I slept one part of the day and considering how I feel now I want to sleep the rest of it as well.
My parents were not exactly pleased with me when I got home this morning. My brother and his girlfriend were at the party with me. They went home around 5 o’clock this morning. I told my brother I would follow a bit later. So, he went to bed and slept. Apparently my room door blew shut by the wind and everybody thought I was inside sleeping. Even when they didn’t see my car outside they figured I drove my brother home because maybe he drank too much.
When they finally found out I wasn’t inside my room, they phoned me to find out where I was. The phone gave one ring and the battery died (I blame that on Murphy). I immediately jumped into the car and drove home to avoid issues. Still when I arrived home they weren’t pleased with me. My brother was still sleeping, so they didn’t know what happened to me.
I know they were probably worried. I can’t blame them considering all the events of last year. But to be truthfully honest – I didn’t do anything wrong. So, the initial worry I accept but if they want to continue being mad that is their problem. My hands are clean! I have behaved myself very nicely over the past few weeks and especially the weekend. I’ve done nothing to even raise a concern or suspicion of using again.
Tomorrow is back to work. Considering how I feel today, tomorrow is going to be torture. While I’m sitting here with flu and obviously feeling not very fresh I can at least remind myself that at least it is not Heroin Withdrawal.
Day 38/20 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 2)"
Sunday, 31 December 2006 - Day 38/20 - "Go Big or Go Home (Part 2)"
Continues from Part 2...
Go big or go home. When it came to partying – that was our slogan…
The new years party came and it was one of the biggest, maddest parties ever. The last 2 raves I went to were daytime raves, so it was a big change doing it at night again. There were 5 dance floors each one playing a different genre of music. And of course, for somebody that comes from a town that rarely plays a decent song in any genre of music – I enjoyed it thoroughly.
I have to admit that heroin wasn’t the only drug I took that weekend. A party of that size rarely happened without me taking ecstasy aswell. Ecstasy has always been my favourite drug out of them all. I am a pill junky through and through… or at least I was! So, I missioned from one dance floor to the rest tripping, dancing and meeting new people.
It is New Year’s Eve – the last day of the year and this year especially I have something to celebrate. I am entering the New Year without heroin, together with all my friends. Considering where I was just a month ago I think it calls for a celebration. Tonight might not be spent the same as the previous years but it doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it just as much!
To all my other friends out there who won’t be spending it with me – thank you for the support… and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
