My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 24 September 2007)
Day 304 – “Triggers (Part 1)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
I got a ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet last year to state that I was allergic to ‘Morphine or Coedine or any Opiods’. I did this because not only can an intake of this be fatal to me, but codeine products will make me crave (even though I won’t know why) and all those items will cause withdrawal symptoms – regardless of how much or how long I take them.
It is Day 2 and I am using medicine to help with those withdrawal symptoms. They are doing their job and physically I am feeling the minimum of pain. Sometimes I can’t sleep (even with a prescribed sleeping pills) and my actions still haunts me when I’m awake, trying to sleep and even in my dreams. I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment but no medicine can help with that. No medicine can help with the effects heroin has caused in my life yet again.
My parents are obviously disappointed and feel like they want to lock me in my room again. I went through, what felt like, hours of painful speeches, warnings and begging to not walk the same road again. Each time it looks like it hits them lower, like the news hangs on them heavier and the disappointment and more then anything hopelessness shows on their faces more clearly.
I won’t lie to you, I am craving heroin right now. I did yesterday and I will tomorrow. The insanity of it all makes me nauseous more than the withdrawal symptoms can ever try and do. Why would somebody that went through the hell of heroin recovery EVER take heroin again? And then, even if it was a “mistake”, why would he continue after the first lapse and again and again…
(Triggers Part 2 continues tomorrow…)
Day 304 – “Triggers (Part 1)” (PRE-WRITTEN)
Day 303 – “The not so pre-written blog”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 23 September 2007)
Day 303 – “The not so pre-written blog”
It is Sunday morning and as promised here is my ‘not pre-written’ blog for the week. Or, after some criticism this past week, let me re-phrase… here is my less pre-written blog than the rest. As I mentioned many times before my blogs are not just a spur of the moment bunch of words written directly on 24.com and posted seconds afterwards. My pixilated words and sentences refreshes at 60 hertz on 17” 96DPI screen (the geek in me had to do that) until I feel ready to post them.
Some days I would have liked to wait a bit longer delaying truths that would again upset so many people, but they still made it on here. Other days, of course, I was all to happy to press the ‘Submit Post’ button that would reveal the good things to the world. And as ThisIsMe (my good friend) pointed out in one of the comments, this is the way I’ve always written.
The pre-written blogs at the time I wrote them couldn’t be posted, for many reasons, yes reasons… reasons as simple as I wasn’t ready yet and reasons as difficult as to still tell my family about it. I was asked how anybody could trust me now and ‘when did I start lying to the public’. While I apologize for not being able to post this sooner the intention was never to hide it from anybody and I would hope that every blog post you’ve read up to now would prove my commitment to honesty on the blog.
Perhaps we live in a world where people fake addiction or suicide to get attention. Perhaps you know somebody like that, I don’t! My best friends (who responded to some comments during the week) and who has been with me through every step of this recovery, knows that I am not one of those people. My family scattered across the country who comfort my parents when it is going bad, knows I am not one of those people. Even the people that read this blog know through my experiences that I am not one of those people.
Of course, not everything that was said in the comments about the entries on the three sites they are posted, was criticism. Same actually gave some helpful suggestions and comforting words. There are still loads more to tell about a story which is still continuing every day. Yes, they’ve already been written but it doesn’t make it lies or for that matter any less true. It doesn’t even make it easier to post them, but I believe they still have a purpose to me and to somebody, anybody out there – so I will continue to post them!
Day 300 – “I took heroin again!”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 20 September 2007)
Day 300 – “I took heroin again!” (PRE-WRITTEN)
“I took heroin again.” I cannot begin to describe the feelings those words leave in my life. They seem to echo in the empty space that is my mind right now and I expect to hear in the distance answers coming back to me. There are none! I never thought I’d say them again and I presume my family and friends never thought they’d hear them again either. But nevertheless, it is true… I took heroin again!
I saw my doctor to get medicine to help with the withdrawals. My heroin intake wasn’t just a few days – so the withdrawals won’t be easy. They aren’t supposed to be, I guess. Some people believe you should suffer with your withdrawals, so that you don’t go and take again. Those people have so much to learn about heroin!
But I think we all do. As I told my loved ones about my relapse I found that many still don’t understand what it is all about. Of course how could they, when I still don’t understand most of it! That was even more reason to tell everybody about this relapse, to write about it – because it is happening out there - to the weakest and the strongest of heroin addicts everywhere!
I remember my one friend, after he relapsed. He didn’t want anybody’s help. He was aggressive at times and didn’t give his co-operation at all. And somehow I understand it today. I have always co-operated in my recovery. Perhaps not always giving as much as I could have at that moment – but nevertheless, I did co-operate. I was never aggressive or angry because I wanted to get better, I calmly tried what I could. Yet today, I feel almost hostile, picking fights with people that only want to help, perhaps not being as open to a helping hand as I should be. I feel like I just want everybody to leave me alone while I get rid of it by myself.
But I know I can’t do it by myself. I tried this for the past few days and unsurprisingly failed every single day. I really just wanted to spare everybody the hurt and disappointment of going through this all again. I didn’t want to look anybody in the eyes and say those words: “I took heroin again!”
Thank you to everybody that has contacted me regarding this. I will do a blog post tomorrow to address some of what has been said. Of course, many still want to know how this happened and for that please read Monday’s blog!
Day 299 – “Understand. Understood.”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 19 September 2007)
Day 299 – “Understand. Understood.” (PRE-WRITTEN)
The cat is out of the bag and I’m guessing there are currently loads of people with a lot of questions to ask. However before we get to the ‘how’ or the ‘why’, to the ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ or ‘what went through your mind’, there are a few things I think I need to address first.
When I first started this blog it was as a diary to keep track of the progress I hoped I would be making. From the very first day my blog entries were very surprisingly, received extremely well, which gave me so much more reason and determination to make it to the next day. Before long, many of the devoted readers literally counted the hours until I made my next post and if I disappeared for too long it was only a matter of time before the messages came through to check up on me.
After a few weeks my blog became a tool to the many friends, mothers or fathers and brothers or sisters who were either fighting their own battle with heroin addiction or trying desperately to help a loved one fight theirs. I realized back then that telling my story was much more than just a diary for me to look back on one day – to some people it was their last hope, hope that against the odds it was possible, it didn’t have to be a death sentence.
I am a heroin addict, currently addicted to heroin!
I am saying these words to you today not to invoke sympathy, because remember by the time you read this, I would hopefully have stopped taking. I am not trying to give excuses or hide behind default answers that you might keep getting from your own loved ones – because remember, I could have kept quiet. My purpose with the posts of the next few days and weeks is what it has always been – to try and understand this addiction and rise above it and in the process help other to understand it too.
Day 298 – “Relapse!”
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 18 September 2007)
Day 298 – “Relapse!” (PRE-WRITTEN)
I have been thinking about this for weeks now. Should I say something or should I just keep quiet? Should I embrace the image created by the strength I have shown over these months and continue as a “recovering heroin addict” that miraculously manages to stay clean from heroin against all the odds? Or should I tell the truth about how heroin found a weak spot and wormed its way into my life again? The answer is easy, I guess… this blog has always been known for its honesty, infact it is almost famous for it. I would have to tell the truth!
And the truth is that I used heroin again. And what makes it so difficult to talk about this time is not only does it come months and months after I last took heroin, but it wasn’t just a one time occurrence like the other times – it lasted a while! How long and when it happened is something I have decided to leave out of the blog for now. I have my reasons for doing so and I hope you’ll respect my privacy regarding it.
In my numerous talks to those close to me over this period I realized just once again how little any of us understand about this addiction. That is, above all else, my main motivator for telling the story on the blogs again. After all I went through and learned, after all I put my family through and promised never to do again – it still happened again. I find myself almost helpless, clueless at this moment to give an answer to something that just doesn’t seems logical.
I know that I have a lot of explaining to many angry and disappointed people. The entries still to follow have all been written already and I must say after writing them the answer still doesn’t seem that clear to me. I hope you’ll share your comments, views and opinions with me. I have kept certain days open to respond to them and I’m hoping some of you will help me get an objective view on these events.
It is sad to say but moments like these it feels like everything I endured and survived over this period means nothing. It is like this long road of recovery I endured, lies almost non-existent with the new headline news posing on the front page: “I relapsed!”
Day 297 – “The answer to the question” (PRE-WRITTEN)
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 17 September 2007)
Day 297 – “The answer to the question” (PRE-WRITTEN)
The answer to the question is: “Yes!”
The words that fill the sentences on each of my blog entries are not just a spur of the moment creation written 5 minutes before I post them. No, they are planned! They have been thought about over and over again, pondering on each word. Their emotion, by themselves and as part as a series of other emotions all play a factor when deciding to use a particular one.
On some odd occasions a certain blog entry may take a few days to complete. Those blogs are filled with words that twirl in my head when I lay in bed at night waiting to fall asleep. Their message might be a bit more difficult to get across and no matter what words I try and use or how I try and put them – they will still seem so wrong in the end!
The answer to the question is “Yes!”
The words you are about to read today, tomorrow and the days that lie ahead of us have been twirling in my head for a number of days now. Today they finally make it to a sentence typed on the same keyboard that has typed all the sentences that came in the months before it. These sentences are of actual feelings and events that are real to me at the moment and even though you will only get to read them at an undetermined time in the future – I have no doubt that even then they will still be as real to me!
The answer to the question is “Yes!”
Did I take heroin again?
Day 294 – “Open eyes”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 14 September 2007)
Day 294 – “Open eyes”
It is Friday again after a week that literally flew by. The weather is not too hot and not too cold and it is actually a pleasure to work outside. This weekend I’ll be inside catching up on some outstanding computer work but more importantly finishing a series of pre-written blogs.
Since last month I have mentioned that I have a collection of blogs that I’ve been keeping “secret” for a while. Keeping them private for the time being was intended for many reasons, some of which I will discuss with you over this period. I feel that the content of them is very important in my continued story of heroin recovery and in the end just as much a learning tool to anybody that has ever found use in my blog.
I really hope that you’ll read what I have to say and give me your comments, opinions or questions. Even though the blogs are pre-written I will respond to your views on Fridays. I’ll try and be as honest with this as you’ve come to expect from me! Enjoy the weekend and see you all on Monday!
Day 285 – “Blackness becomes me"
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 5 September 2007)
Day 285 – “Blackness becomes me”
I would love to give you all the juicy details regarding my day at the job. However, I decided in the beginning that any details would just get me in trouble with management so I’ll have to be vague.
One thing I can tell you is that when I got home today I was covered in black dust. From my shoes to my hair everything was black. On my way to the guesthouse I stopped at the Pick and Pay in Ellisras to get a few things and you should have seen the way some of the people checked me out with my black face.
Ellisras is actually very busy in the mornings, I presume because of the mine and because of Eskom. I’m not sure how big it really it – but it appears much larger than I think it actually is. The people are surprisingly… uhm… sexy in this area and I had to stop a few times today to admire the talent that Ellisras provides.
We even went out tonight as a group to a lodge nearby that has a bar, pool tables and a swimming pool. If our accommodation had a swimming pool we would probably all have dived in when we got home. I got black in places I didn’t know I had!
But the most important thing I want to say is how much I enjoyed my day. Really, it has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time if you take in account that we worked in the scorching heat for the whole day on a black surface that most definitely attracted heat. And THIS formally glorified PA enjoyed it! I do still surprise myself daily at how much I enjoy what I do now and the challenges it provides in my life.
I cannot wait to go home on Friday and I miss my family and my home and my bed – and definitely my boyfriend whom I hope I will see. And of course, I miss my friends in blogworld and facebook!
Day 284 – “Off Blog Off”
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 4 September 2007)
Day 284 – “Off Blog Off”
The Blog Off competition ended on Friday and the general opinion: “it is about time!” I am actually excited to see what will happen on the blogs now. Will we get to see some really creative content from the bloggers instead of pasting and begging? I really hope so.
I’d like to think my blog has stayed cleared from those things even though it has had it share of criticism because I won the competition more than once. Still, I feel proud to have shown those awards on my blog because I didn’t beg for votes and I believe the award was on good, original and honest content.
Maybe now, we will see a lot of people that left 24.com returning. Perhaps more because the ending of this competition sends a sign that somewhere out there, there is/[are an] editor(s) listening to our views, requests and concerns.
My facebook profile has a Notes section, only visible to my friends, that updates every time I make a blog post. Sooner or later some of them come across it and I really had some good feedback the past few weeks. It appears to still be doing some good even to those that has no connection to any drugs.
Placing the blog on facebook was something I thought long about. It is different from posting on blogspot or 24.com because it is right there for them to find and read without even searching for it. Then I just remind myself that the blog has never been a secret and up to now the content has proudly been shared with friends, family and strangers everywhere.
As long as it continues to do good – to myself and to other people, I have no problem posting it anywhere!
Day 283 – “Batteries and Signal”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 3 September 2007)
Day 283 – “Batteries and Signal”
It is Day 1 of my week visit to Ellisras. I forgot this was one of the places the government wasted money with name changes on and had to double check when I started finding the Lephalale signboards.
I got here just on time this morning after yet another way too early wake up. We are all staying in a big house just outside of Ellisras and it is actually a very nice place. I haven’t slept in the bed yet – but I’ll still miss my own bed tonight.
The cellphone reception here is struggling to stay at one bar. I quickly made a few calls earlier on but even my SMSes aren’t going through. I thought I was really clever and set up the internet on my cellphone before I came. I was going to use it this week to post blogs and check on my facebook profile – so much for that idea!
These past few days have been really hectic. I’ve been up and down between Limpopo and Mpumalanga and Gauteng. I had a terrible week of tooth pain and drugged by pain killers and of course, they stole my office laptop. I thought this week would just add to the chaos of the preceding few weeks but I might be wrong…
It is so quiet here and I am actually enjoying the people I am with. The normal routine at the house and even the chaotic “non-routine routine” of the office is miles away. I think I can really take this time to charge my batteries, just what I needed!
Day 282 – “Don’t quit your day job"
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 2 September 2007)
Day 282 – “Don’t quit your day job”
This weekend was the first weekend in a long time that I didn’t see my partner. It felt totally empty not having him with me. He went fishing for the weekend – which I must say is something I haven’t done since I was little and have no intention of adding to my ‘to do’ list soon. Then again, if it means spending time with him – I wouldn’t think twice.
I think that the best of couples get insecure at times, but I must say sometimes the ‘long distance’ thing is a real bitch. It is so much worse when you can’t look somebody in the face to tell them something or when audio over a cellphone is all communication you have for the day. But I’m usually the one that make reminds us both that we both knew this when we entered the relationship.
I went to a “karaoke party” this weekend. It was actually quite fun, luckily I only sang one duet with a guy that thought all the choices were “gay” but who can blame him with an ABBA’s Greatest Hits DVD. I had an interesting evening with one of my friends, somebody with whom a visit was long overdue and I hope we get to do party soon.
Tomorrow is off to Ellisras for the week. On a scale from 1 to 10 my eagerness for this week is hovering in the lower regions. I should be excited because it is a new place which means meeting new people (which is one of my favourite pass times). Then again, it is for work – so that will all depend on how busy they keep us.
My dad is also gone for the week which leaves my mom and brother home alone. It really feels strange being the one who is away from home for a change. Normally everybody else disappears for a few days and I always stay behind. Going to Pretoria or Cape Town for a week would have been a whole other story – but it is a start!
Day 280 – “Two Eighty”
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 31 August 2007)
Day 280 – “Two Eighty”
It is Friday night and after an exhausting week I can finally relax – at least that is what I thought. At 4 o’clock today I heard that I had to be in Ellisras on Monday morning for 5 days. Due to (once again) bad planning I wasn’t informed of this during the week. Such a pity that a professional company providing a professional service forgets details like those.
But it is part of the job, I guess. So on Monday morning early I’ll be entering the area of Ellisras for the very first time. I’ve decided to take my PC with me, since Ellisras probably only has a KFC, a Total Garage (and we know how I love those) and a Spur. I’ll be able to write blogs but I doubt I’ll get any internet access to post them, so they’ll probably follow the week after.
‘My Significant Other’ got internet this past week. I am very happy because this extends the little time we have to communicate. Unfortunately, I’ll be without internet for a week – so back to the cellphone we go! In that area things are progressing very nicely. I might even go so far as to say I’m in love, more than I’ve ever been before.
I am continuing to write blogs whenever I have something to say but due to my hectic work schedule I only get to post them on certain days. Please bare with me while I try and get some routine with them again – as I mentioned before my new job doesn’t know the meaning of the word.
And I’m finally posting a few blogs in September that I’ve been keeping secret for a while. Their content will be revealed and I’m sure we’ll have loads to talk about afterwards. So, for now all I have to say is watch out for them. Thanx for still reading and following the story of My Heroin Recovery!
Day 279 – “Soccer”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 30 August 2007)
Day 279 – “Soccer”
The first thing I took this morning were pain pills. My mouth looked like a soccer ball and I spoke funny. When I opened my eyes this morning I knew today this tooth had to come out – it couldn’t go on like this. I got an appointment after work today and had the wisdom tooth removed. It only took a few minutes in the dentist chair and even though I can’t really tell at the moment I have to say I can just feel the pain is finally gone.
Some people wondered regarding the dentist and my addiction. Even though I cannot take anything with codeine or morphine in it, the dentist uses something else – and according to my doctor this will not cause a problem. After the dentist appointment tonight I didn’t feel well at all. This week’s medication overload is starting to show!
The tooth is gone now, but unfortunately so is something else in my life! At work today (in another town) I was sent to go and get some water because we were working in the sun and it was a scorching day. I went into the shop, got the water and when I got back to the work bakkie found the window broken and my office laptop stolen! come people… gasp with me!
I spent most of the day at the Police Office getting a case number. While I was there a tourist couple drove in, also with a broken window. Apparantly the same happened to them, not even a block from where I was parked. According to them they are in South Africa for ONE day only from London and now this happens. I said that I hoped this didn’t create a bad impression and she quickly replied that it most certainly did and she was going to spread it. I just thought of the Soccer World Cup at that moment – what a field day these criminals will have then!?
Anyway it sounds asif the laptop will be replaced and my MD didn’t look too upset when I saw him today. However well they take it – I didn’t exactly want to be the one that loses a laptop not even two months into his new job!
Day 278 – “The pain of wisdom”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 29 August 2007)
Day 278 – “The pain of wisdom”
Like I explained last night I had to stay in Pretoria for an extra night. Normally I pack for an extra day so fortunately I had clothes to wear today. I got a call from the guest house this morning on my way back to Polokwane to inform me that I forgot my extra denim there this morning.
So, I phoned the office to ask one of the ladies if they would fetch it for me. On asking her if she’d go fetch my denim she queries what I was wearing then… I replied: “only my underwear, it looks nice… you want come and check!” Bad Christiaan!
I forgot it this morning because I almost overslept. This one guy at the office arranged that we meet each other at 5 o’clock to load the stock. So, at 5 o’clock we pitch up and waited for him for 30 minutes. How nice for him… I really hope he enjoyed the few minutes extra he could sleep when we got up early! Again, with the bad arrangements – seems to be a habit in the office.
This day was one big disaster. My tooth was acting up and I was on a trip because of all the medication I was taking. But this meant nothing to the people that worked with me. They sent Courier Christiaan up and down and up and down the whole day. We did the job we were supposed to do and found a problem somewhere. So, we redid everything to double check and after an exhausting day of doing everything twice – found that the stock we received were faulty. I am just reserving comment on this one!
I guess you get good days and bad days. This week’s tooth pain is really getting to me and because of the medicine it is affecting my work. I’m trying to get an appointment to get the tooth removed, but as dentists are – I can’t get an appointment, especially not one that meets my schedule at the moment. It will have to wait until Saturday it seems. This week won’t be getting better soon!
Day 277 – “Souvenir”
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 28 August 2007)
Day 277 – “Souvenir”
I thought I’d be in my own bed tonight but find myself in Pretoria for another night. I decided that I won’t be spending tonight all alone in a guest house and called one of my friends. We haven’t really spent that much time together in a while, infact, if it wasn’t for facebook we’d still be looking for each other. The plan to do something for the evening then was actually a good one.
I started having tooth pain last week but due to my hectic work schedule couldn’t get close to a dentist. I’ve been taking pain pills and disprins when the tooth acts up. This weekend my tooth decided to punish me for all the times I forgot to brush in an unbearable pain that I have never felt before. First thing yesterday morning I made a dentist appointment and had the tooth fixed.
Last night and today during my training I ate disprins like they were going out of fashion to help with the unbearable tooth pain that… yes… still continued. I don’t know what the dentist did, but the pain was now worse. I was actually surprised at how well disprins helped for the pain and since I am limited to the type of medication I can take it was the safer choice aswell.
My friend and I went to a very nice place in Centurion that even had a performer for the evening. Luckily we were done when he started singing because even though he wasn’t half bad he was extremely loud and communicating to somebody sitting next to me was nearly impossible. I can’t remember his name now, but the crowd made it clear he was a regular and a favourite.
Our waiter was one of the sweetest characters around and it was really nice chatting to him. I had a few drinks (yes, I know… spank me why don’t you) and this mixed with the pain killers I took left me giggling like a little school girl. Our poor waiter got most of the silliness and I think I asked him if I could take him home with me at one point. Of course this would just be as a souvenir for my evening out and nothing more!
Slightly better day even with the tooth pain. Who knows where I’ll find myself tomorrow!
Day 276 – “Talent”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 27 August 2007)
Day 276 – “Talent”
In a week I will be at my new job 2 months. I have surprised myself just how much I enjoy this despite view of some of the people around me. Lets face facts, I sat in an office in front of a computer for most of my working career. And personally I think I was good at it. Now, I’m climbing masts and doing much more physical work. Whether I’ve got any talent for this remains to be seen, but nobody can accuse me of not giving it a try.
I’m in Pretoria today. We have training tomorrow morning early again and I decided it best to come through tonight. I had to take a detour of 2 hours to fetch something for somebody but due to poor arrangement this item was not there. I have to say, I’ve found myself in a lot of poorly planned situations lately and it really creates a bad impression of the company – perhaps one area they can work on.
I stopped by my ex on the way to Pretoria. I had a little bit more time this time around and decided to stay for a drink. He recently met somebody and you can clearly see how happy he is. Unfortunately, he has a tendency to ruin most of his relationships in attempts that sometimes look like pure sabotage. So I hope that this one works out for him.
Of course, I’ll tell my partner of this, even though I haven’t yet. The visit was really innocent, so I have no need to hide it. Afterall, I do regard him as a close friend now. One thing I can say about my job is it keeps me on my toes and it keeps me busy. It is exciting and new and features little routine events. It is looking more and more asif this was exactly what I needed in my life!
Day 275 – “Pulse”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 26 August 2007)
Day 275 – “Pulse”
I have to be honest; I haven’t had much time to blog the past few weeks. Work has kept me extremely busy and it doesn’t seem as if it will get any better in the weeks to follow. So, I apologize for the late, little and scattered entries over the past few weeks.
Since I’m barely keeping up with my own blogging I have got no idea what is happening with the rest of blog world. I did see ‘badges’ added to the blog site, which is a step up towards widgets and I am extremely (out of this world, because we’ve been begging for ages for this) happy that the ‘recently updated list’ has a ‘more link’ added. All I can say is: FI-NA-LLEEEEEY!
Besides being an addict of many things, as you know, I think I’ve become a facebook addict aswell. It has also drastically cut into my blogging time. I have found that either you love it or you hate it, but I think that the people that hate it, just hasn’t had enough time to play around on it yet. It really combines so much of what I already do on the internet on one place.
If you are a facebook member, remember that we have a group for all the ’24.com Bloggers’ and those want to reveal their true identities. There are also weekly chats on Fridays where all the bloggers get together and talk about the latest stuff.
I’ve taken some time lately to update my BlogSpot Blog, My Facebook Profile and also the Mailing List (all of which can be found on the badges on the right). I also finished a collection of entries that will follow in September (something I’ve been working on for a while). If my recovery meant something to you or a friend or if you found it informative at all - I will urge you to read the collection of entries.
Day 273 – “Violently Serene”
Kirsten Squared (Friday, 24 August 2007)
Day 273 – “Violently Serene”
A piece of fiction, amongst daily reality. Or a part of reality that too many see as fiction. Written by Christiaan/TristanB...
She remembers that grisly day all too well. The smell of his sawdusted clothes entering the house. The trail of his muddy shoes which scratched a footpath to the room, her room, always her room! She used to close her eyes when he opened the door. Her deceiving mind told her that she heard the slightly muffled cry of thunder each time, but deep down inside she knew it was him. It was his smile, his intense glaring, his hands… oh, how she hated those hands!
"No, please. Not again!" she always seemed to whisper.
A whisper so soft even if her paralyzed hands could move it would not hear her cries for help. Her diminished voice could manage only a few sounds after its screaming all those years. He moved to the window and pulled on her rosy curtains almost ripping them to the ground.
"I told you to leave them closed. You hear me! Leave them closed!" he screamed. He always wanted them closed. She used to think that it was just so that he could come into the room at any time, but she never really understood it. She didn’t understand any of it.
She knew how to read him a like a book. She could tell how much sugar he had in his coffee that morning just by the way he opened the door. He loved sugar, a lot of it. He loved it almost more than he loved drinking. She wished he loved it more. Too much sugar made him grumpy – he never did this after sugar. His hands were never sweaty after sugar. He never touched her, after sugar!!!
"P… Please… don’t!" she said again. This time echoing through the whole house. She knew he was going to do it even before he knew – ‘cause she knew him too well. But knowing him wouldn’t help stop it. He lifted up his right hand slapping her, making her 11-year-old head twist in an unnatural position.
"Don’t you ever scream at me again. You hear me!" She didn’t say a thing. It pained too much to talk; it pained too much to move. So she just lay there, lay there like she did before… to tired to move… to afraid to speak!
His hand started moving down her petite breasts. "I can’t wait" he always grinned at her. "I can’t wait ‘till your older, your gonna be a fine woman!" Her mind screamed, screamed so loud it wanted to burst, but not a sound came from her frightened mouth. No. Please daddy no. Not again. No…
Day 264 – “Now you see me, now you don't”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 15 August 2007)
Day 264 – “Now you see me, now you don't”
As I mentioned on Thursday’s blog I stopped to quickly say hi to my Ex. I’ve been promising to visit him for ages and when the opportunity came along I just couldn’t let it pass. Of course, the very same night I informed my partner that I was there. I don’t think I did anything wrong – but I didn’t want this little fact to come and bite me on the ass in the future.
Things between us were a bit rocky the past few days. Everything in my life was thrown a bit upside down with the working here and out of town. We barely get to see each other and because of the busy schedule we barely had time to communicate over the phone aswell. Funny thing is, if he had internet at home we’d probably see a lot more of each other on facebook!
One thing that still comes up on a regular basis is the distance between us and amount of time we get to see each other. These are probably the biggest obstacles we are facing at the moment. Even thought the distance isn’t really that far apart, we can only see each other on weekends and even then it is only for a limited time. So, I can imagine anybody can relate to the frustration that can cause in a relationship.
But as with any other problem in a relationship we are learning to deal with it. One thing I know for sure is, that either one or both of us will not be happy with the ‘arrangement’ as it is at the moment for too long and at some point it will have to change. And that day will make for a really interesting blog!
Day 262 – “Thinking the worst”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 13 August 2007)
Day 262 – “Thinking the worst”
His reaction to the news was somewhat surprising. I gathered from those few moments that he still cared about me… well, I still cared about him, but too much happened back then and since then for it to ever work again.
When I told him about my Heroin Addiction he was shocked. I am not really the ideal poster boy for heroin addiction but then again, who really is. A lot of feelings were thrown around: disappointment towards me, anger towards the other people involved and after all that, still support towards a friend he hasn’t seen in over 2 years.
I keep thinking that people will think the worst of me when they find out I was a heroin addict. Let’s face it, it is not really on the list of morally righteous acts to tick off before one dies.
The blogs and the blog entries from the beginning have really placed me in a public light (if I could put it that way). My friends and family, regardless of who or where they are, get the sometimes unpleasant details without ever speaking to me or seeing me. To some, the images created gives them nightmares and instigates prayers that I will recover from this safely.
Facebook, I guess is much worse, because even though blogging is public, it is still something that people have to either learn or happen upon. On facebook, you only need my name and my whole life is laid out there as an advertisement for anybody to see. The blogging section, though, is only visible to my added friends.
Regardless of who reads the blog and where, I have decided to continue with it as always. The rules have changed a bit, but in the end you will still get the honest recovery of a heroin addict – despite that of what anybody might think!
Day 258 – “Rest of story on this page…”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 9 August 2007)
Day 258 – “Rest of story on this page…”
He picked up the phone and I could hear in his voice he was glad to hear from me. I told him he had 0.23 guesses where I was at the moment. He couldn’t believe when I told him I was in his town - and he insisted we quickly meet. So, I took a 5 minute detour to quickly said hi.
Seeing him was really great. It brought back so much memories of the time we first met and how nice that was. Of course, the relationship ended really badly and for months after that we didn’t speak. At least now, we are good friends again – not many people can say that about their ex’s.
I recently posted a blog entry on how certain people in my life didn’t know about my heroin addiction or recovery. He was one of them. I just could never get the courage together to tell him something like this over the phone. One night a few weeks back a similar subject came up and I decided to just go ahead and tell him, even if it was going to be over the phone…
*** Continues...
Day 257 – “Rest of story on next page…”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 8 August 2007)
Day 257 – “Rest of story on next page…”
I was informed on Monday that I had to be in Pretoria for training the following morning at 6 o’clock. This meant I had to wake up at 1 o’clock to make it in time for training. That is not really my idea of a good night sleep, so I drove through on Monday, slept over and just drove to the office on Tuesday morning.
Training on Tuesday was really interesting. It was a basic course at Duxbury and the instructor was brilliant. I’m not sure if he gives other courses as well, but he really knew how to get his message across and definitely knew enough on the subject he was giving. I would definitely recommend Duxbury for training.
I stayed over at a very nice guest house in Centurion. It is just around the corner form some mall in Botha street, I think. I was really amazed at how a place located in the middle of the city could still have such a relaxing out of town feel to it. Perhaps I’m sounding like a newspaper advertisement today – but even this guest house I would really recommend… just can’t remember the name at the moment.
I woke up bright and early the morning to drive through to a site in the Witbank direction for work. I was on the N4 Highway for the very first time. It is really a different side to Pretoria and the Highways and the tollgates to which I am used to. On my way to the site I passed the home town of my ex. I decided to take a chance, phone him and see if he is available…
*** Continues...
Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)"
My Heroin Recovery (Friday, 3 August 2007)
Day 252 – “Luister na my geheim (** Afrikaans)”
Ek staan op die oomblik in die gang en wag vir ma. Ek wag om ma se aansteeklike glimlag te sien, ma se hande om my lyf te voel en vir my te vertel dat alles reg gaan wees - dat ma daar sal wees vir my. Ek skryf hierdie brief met die hoop dat ma dit sal lees en dat ek nie vir die soveelste keer hoef om te draai en in trane na my slaapkamer toe moet hardloop nie.
Ek staan in die middel van my kamer, ma. Die honderde prente van een of ander kaal manlike bolyf staar my in die gesig en hier en daar maak 'n prent van kastige seks godinne soos Madonna, Pamela en Marilyn hulle verskyning. Vergeef my asseblief, ma. Ek probeer myself indink wat die dag gaan gebeur as ma moet uitvind. Wat gaan ek sê? Wat gaan ma die res van ma se lewe lank vir my voel? My vriende sê, hulle het dit vermoed, ma! Hulle sê hulle weet al lankal. Weet ma al lankal dat ek gay is?
Ek wens ek kon sê dit was 'n fase, ma, maar ek voel dit al my hele lewe lank. En nou waar ek op die ingang van my grootmens lewe staan wil ek nie meer elke dag 'n leuen lewe nie. Ek hoop dat ma hierdie brief lees. Ek hoop dat hoe meer en meer woorde ma lees, ma sal weet dat ek van ons twee praat. Ek hoop dat die trane en hartseer wat ma gaan voel nie lank sal hou nie en dat ons eendag weer mekaar se beste vriende kan wees... tot dan sal ek in die gang staan en wag vir ma!
** Translation to English available soon!
Day 251 – “Repercussions”
My Heroin Recovery (Thursday, 2 August 2007)
Day 251 – “Repercussions”
My ‘Significant Other’ and I were talking about My Heroin Recovery this past weekend. I told him about my heroin addiction before we even met face to face and he was supportive and caring from that day without any hesitation. He asked me a question, a question I’ve been asked many times before – “If I get offered heroin right now; If somebody holds out their hand and open it to reveal heroin – would I take it?”
I heard a story one day from a friend of mine, it was still very early in my recovery. She told of one of her close family members who had been clean for a year and she got offered heroin one night by a friend. Of course, she couldn’t say “No” and destroyed a year of progress.
The sad thing is, that it wasn’t that she wasn’t strong or determined to get her life back or stay on the right track. It was just heroin still having that tight grip on her life. It’s not an easy fight and it definitely isn’t simple. If it was just a choice between “yes” and “no” it wouldn’t only have a 2% survival rate. Heroin has a hold on your life that most can never understand. Most can never even imagine.
So, perhaps it is not the answer I would have liked to give. And predictably it is not the answer you would want to hear. But it is the truth – I don’t know what I would do if I got offered heroin. I stay away from the people and the places that tempt me towards heroin in the hope that I won’t have to make the choice, because as much as I don’t like the answer to the question – I definitely don’t like the repercussions of it either.
Day 250 – “Result Great”
My Heroin Recovery (Wednesday, 1 August 2007)
Day 250 – “Result Great”
Today (Wednesday) is Day 250 in My Heroin Recovery. Somebody asked me yesterday how things are going in my life. I wouldn’t even know where to start…
I started a new job a month ago. The job has its challenges and I’m learning new stuff every day. Sometimes I should have gotten acquainted with these things years before; sometimes it is something that most people will never get to experience. But one thing is for sure - no two days seem to be the same and it really keeps me on my toes.
Overall it is very healthy because I’m getting more exercise, definitely seeing more sun and experiencing different areas in this and adjacent provinces. These points are already good reason to justify the job change, and even though money isn’t a big factor for me when choosing a career – I am receiving more money as well.
The love life came unexpectedly one day when I wasn’t really looking for it. Even this dry part of my life took an interesting turn as I got involved with somebody I normally wouldn’t have liked. Or perhaps not exactly ‘not liked’, but more that our paths never would have crossed because of our different interests, cities and social relationships.
We live about a 100km apart and only get to MXIt during the week and visit each other of weekends. I’ve met his family and he has met mine and everybody is getting along like they’ve known each other for years. The relationship is still new and I think both of us need to adapt again to being part of a group and not make single decisions anymore.
With work keeping me so busy I am getting less and less time to do the normal stuff that used to make part of my day. I am still blogging whenever I can and checking in on facebook on ‘n regular basis. In between I also try and make time to visit my friends. My two best friends got engaged a few weeks back. I’ve been promising them a decent blog post dedicated just to them – so you’ll get all the juicy details soon enough.
Seems that no matter what area of my life you may ask the question, the answer is unanimously obvious: It’s going great!
Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”
My Heroin Recovery (Tuesday, 31 July 2007)
Day 249 – “Cause I like guys!”
Perhaps one of the most popular questions you get asked is when you first knew you were gay. To me, the question brings the memory of that holiday. Not because I suddenly turned gay as I stared into the eyes of another man, not because something happened in my life that exposed me to that world, but because for the first time what I was my whole life, what I was for as long as I could remember, made sense to me.
It took several years for me to finally come to terms with what I learned about myself that holiday. I finally came out of the closet a few years later to the amazement of some people and no surprise by others. In much the same way some have been accepting and others narrow mindedly cold towards me.
When I started this blog it was to deal with an issue greater than anything I every experienced in my life before. Sexual preference not only seemed insignificant at the time, but way off the subject of the topical heroin blog. So a conscious decision to leave it out of the blog was made from the start.
Over the months there were times that I vaguely discussed certain issues pertaining to my love life but I knew that I couldn’t really talk about it as TristanB at the time. Any reference to love could usually not be gender specific. So I started another blog which sometimes covered the issues that TristanB just couldn’t.
I started blogging as Conrad Daly, with occasional stories to tell, but never really award winning stuff. The blog was more a medium to get creative with stuff like ‘Hottie of the Day’, ‘Mr. World Experiment’, ‘Stranded’, ‘Hottest Men Alive’ and ‘Villiage People Directory’.
Conrad’s Blog ended on Monday night and any future stories I have to tell about that part of my life will be posted here. I can only hope that they will be greeted with the same loving arms that helped me through heroin recovery!
Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 30 July 2007)
Day 248 – “Opening the doors!”
There are a few defining moments in my life. I remember my vacation in the Cape Province with my family when I was younger. I remember being so happy because I was young and perhaps a bit naïve. I hadn’t been hurt by people, by feelings, by love. I hadn’t been abused by money. I probably never even heard of drugs.
The sea was cold, impossible to swim in, but we had our feet in the water fighting the cold because the sea wasn’t something we got to see every day anymore. Seeing a movie on the big screen was almost unique to me so the IMAX theatre was an out of a world experience – which was appropriate seeing as we watched ‘Blue Planet’ at the time. We took a boat ride on the open side past ‘Seal Island’, a journey up to misty Table mountain and checked the marine life at the “Two Ocean’s Aquarium”. I remember all of it!
I remember walking down a street in one of the places we visited. As I crossed the street I looked up and found this beautiful face in front of me. Our eyes met for brief seconds but it felt like an eternity that we stayed locked onto each other. In what perhaps was a hidden instinct to be at the time, I smiled… we both smiled.
I wasn’t in love – love would be something I only experienced much later in my life. I was vulnerable - this wall I had inadvertently build around me collapsed and for the first time I saw its bricks scattered around me. I was excited – this rush of emotions charged over me and for the first time in my life everything fit into place.
It was on that holiday that a lot of things in my life made sense for the first time. For the first time there was a word for something I had been all my life but now I knew what it was - I was gay!
Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 29 July 2007)
Day 247 – “On the 10th day of Blogging…”
The count down has begun. On Wednesday, 1 August it will have been 250 days since I started My Heroin Recovery.
The next few days I will be blogging daily again, and I’m actually looking forward to sharing my thoughts and views with you on a regular basis. What lies ahead is revealing something you may or may not have known about me, a blog you may or may not have known I created and of course a few format changes that has become tradition every 50 days.
I have a renewed excitement towards blogging realizing that there are still loads to tell and share. And with the changes lying ahead I hope you’ll find it to be even more honest than you’ve come to know it up to now.
See you all tomorrow again!
Day 241 – “Total-e-forgotten”
My Heroin Recovery (Monday, 23 July 2007)
Day 241 – “Total-e-forgotten”
Last week was a really quiet week. I spend most of the time in the office working on a presentation and hardly any time on the road. Today started off with a bang and we were on the road for most of the day and tomorrow sounds like an even busier and physical day.
I was reminded today why I never pull into a Total filling station to fill up. I normally drive until I find a BP or an Engen, even a Shell will do – but I always seem to avoid a Total garage.
We drove to a few small downs in the province. On our way back we notice the petrol tank is hovering on empty. We stop at the first Total garage, which doesn’t take Petrol Cards. We drive around the corner to the second garage – also a Total. A man comes walking out after contemplating for 5 minutes whether he should approach us or not. He comes to the window and leans in staring at us. Eventually we figure out he is the petrol attendant, and he informs us that they don’t have unleaded petrol.
We drive quite a while again, praying that this won’t be the day we walk between the goats and cattle looking for petrol and find another petrol station a few kilometers on. Of course, this is also a Total Garage. This time we are approached by a man in uniform and ask him if he accepts cards. He confirms that they do – but also has no unleaded petrol.
Finally, after a 20 km detour from our route, we reach another station. This time it is a Shell Station, and even though we were helped, paid by card and got unleaded petrol – we met a few of the most unhappiest petrol attendants in the world. I think people in prison have a more optimistic walk as they go about their day.
As we drove away back to Polokwane, I wondered if anybody still remembered there were filling stations up north and when they realize they build something there one upon a time, could they please send them some unleaded petrol!!!
Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”
My Heroin Recovery (Sunday, 22 July 2007)
Day 240 – “Concerning my blogging”
My name is Christiaan and this is Day 240 in My Heroin Recovery.
It is 8 months ago that I started this road to recovery. Perhaps not exactly 8 clean months, but I have noticed in the grand scheme of things that it is really not so relevant. What is important is that I decided to change my life 8 months ago. If I didn’t make that decision that day – there would be no recovery to write about today.
I’ve been thinking the past week what I should do concerning my blogging on 24.com. After much consideration I have decided to stay for the time being. I tried out quite a few South African Blogging communities when I started my blog and out of all of them I liked 24.com the most. The people here are noticeably different and I could never imagine saying goodbye to all of them. Perhaps I sound like a bit of a hypocrite having won a place in the BlogOff competition more than once – but I truly hope they will stop the competition. Perhaps then we’ll get more people that actually say things again – it is after all why we are here.
There are still a few “secrets” that haven’t made it to the blog yet, some more consciously than others and I have decided to reveal some of it over the next few days. My other blogs which you may or may not know about on 24.com will also all be moving to this one, as well as my other home on blogspot.
With the changes and some perhaps not so well kept secrets being revealed I hope that everybody that find something useful in my blog will continue to visit it. Not sure if the look will change, not sure what the future will bring to write about – but it will still be about Christiaan and His Heroin Recovery!
