My Heroin Recovery

Day 9 - "Making History"

Saturday, 2 December 2006 - Day 9 - "Making History"

When you start taking heroin it is about the high or the rush, the sense of contentment, physical relaxation or whatever kick it is you get out of it. Unfortunately it is inevitable that your body gets a tolerance towards the drug and you end up using much more to get the same effect. Soon after I started taking heroin I found myself having to take 2-3 times a day. I was literally dependent on a little baggy from a Nigerian Dealer to be able to function.

In telling my story and looking back at those times – even if they are a little more than a week ago – I feel great satisfaction that I am managing to break away from that life. My story obviously didn’t start nine days ago. This fight has been going on for almost a year and a half. During that time I’ve seen countless Day 1’s, Days 3’s and even saw a few Day 7’s – but today on Day 9, I can celebrate something totally unique. I have since injecting heroin the first time – never been clean longer than 8 days! Today, I make history on my ‘Day 9’.

I celebrate today because I’ve pushed myself further than I’ve been able to do before. But I still continue this journey cautious remembering that forgetting the power heroin has on my life, has kept me from this day many times. Even my parents are still skeptical about my sincerity. I have after all been manipulating them for over a year. Every time when they think I am making progress I shock them with the awful truth again.

Heroin detox takes approximately 9-14 days for your body and mind to finally get clarity. So, I have literally not been myself in over a year. Being able to look myself in the mirror and not see the washout heroin addict, I’ve come to know, stare back at me – is the greatest celebration of it all!

Day 8 - "Fighting for a future"

Friday, 1 December 2006 - Day 8 - "Fighting for a future"

I won’t lie to you – I want to take Heroin, badly! I wake up in the mornings and it is the first thing I think about. Nights, when I lie in my bed waiting to fall asleep, it is the last thing I think about. Occasionally when I sleep I dream about taking heroin again. I don’t normally remember much of what I dream, but these heroin dreams are so vivid that they lie printed in my mind in the mornings when I wake up. Thinking about heroin is an obsession that only slightly faded over the eight days of my recovery.

I didn’t think it was possible, but yesterday the thought of taking heroin spinned in my mind even more than usual. As an addict I have been hiding from real emotions for more than a year. Suddenly I’m faced with all these mountains of emotions and the temptation to silence them with heroin is very big.

I heard some troubling news yesterday that made me question if I can be successful with this recovery. A person close to a friend of mine is also a recovering heroin addict that spend a year in a Rehab Clinic trying to get and stay clean. It now looks very probabable that this person relapsed after more than a year of staying clean. The thought of that scares me so much that I almost gave up the fight. At 8 days I won’t even dare count to 365. Imagine spending all that time fighting, only to finally loose the battle.

It reminded me of another young guy that managed to break the cycle of his heroin habit. He had been clean for four months when his girlfriend found him dead in their apartment. But he didn’t use again – a blood clot caused by his previous using is the source of his death months after he decided to live a better life.

The whole of yesterday afternoon I thought about it – was this the future I was fighting for? Luckily, even those cravings and thoughts eventually disappeared and my optimistic nature showed its face again. I made a promise to myself when I started this blog and logging my progress: I would be completely honest about my feelings and my drug taking. So, friends, if I should suddenly disappear from the blogging world and the day counter should unexpectedly stop – think of me, because I might be in trouble!

Day 7 - "A week clean"

Thursday, 30 November 2006 - Day 7 - "A week clean"

I have, over the past few days, read my previous blogs a few times. It is amazingly therapeutic to read about what I’ve gone through and survived. They say in recovery that you must take one day at a time. Worry about staying clean today and tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem. Having a couple of days clean behind me, it is obviously becoming a much easier battle. I read the comments on my blogs throughout the day and they, more than anything else, gives me the strength throughout the day to continue with my recovery. Today I would like to thank all the people that read this blog and express their support and continue to offer me help. Without you I would not be celebrating ‘Day 7 – A week clean’.

Yesterday was, by far, one of the most challenging days for me. If you read the blog entry yesterday you would know that I was keeping a secret that I finally revealed yesterday. And while I can unfortunately not reveal the secret that shook my world so much, the affects are very much real and the repercussions still being felt by myself and the people around me. I also realize that keeping it so long made it far worse and regret not coming out with it earlier.

I face the day today with people still troubled about my past actions and disappointed by my sneakiness, betrayal and dishonesty. I confront the world with people “fed up” with my behavior and deaf to my explanations, excuses and apologies. But I’m sitting here much happier and confident that I have been in many months. My actions over the past week and especially yesterday relieved me somewhat from the clutches of addiction.

I realize that my downfall has also come at this point of my recovery many times. With this celebration I tend to forget sometimes that this is a problem that will never go away. I have used alcohol, dagga, ecstasy, acid, cocaine, kat, crack, pinks and heroin (take a breath) and only realize now that I am an addict and will never have control over any of it. Although this realization comes presumably a bit late in my life, I believe it is never too late to make the change and stop this cycle!

Day 6 - "When secrets are revealed"

Wednesday, 29 November 2006 - Day 6 - "When secrets are revealed"

It is Day 6 of My Heroin Recovery. What was supposed to be another positive day has exploded into the worst day for me yet. I look across the room into the red cried eyes of my mom and dad. They have offered so much to me, their washout son intend on throwing his life away. My eyes are red to. I can hardly see the keyboard through the tears streaming down my face. All I can manage is a trembling “I’m sorry!”

Through out my addiction and recovery over this past year there has been two immense secrets I have kept. One of them was my heroin addiction that shocked my parents completely the Saturday afternoon when they finally found out. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. They didn’t know it at the time, but I had forever changed their lives with five words: “I am addicted to heroin!”

My second secret is a direct result of my heroin addiction. The addict in me have manipulated, lied and stolen to protect it. I think that trying to keep the secret and do damage control along the way has been one of the major reasons I keep relapsing. Why keep it then? This problem escalated so quickly that I soon found myself with something that would hurt and disappoint many people. I have given my work, family and friends so much heartbreak over the past few months that I didn’t want to drop another bombshell on them.

Today it finally exploded in my face. Part of it was due to circumstance but a major part of me realized that until I got this off my chest and out in the open I would never be free from this addiction. It was not an easy truth to reveal and even at this moment many lives are being trampled by its disclosure.

As an addict I am used to run away from my emotions by taking heroin. With this emotional trip going on around me, my mind and body is screaming for heroin. I’m fighting for my sanity. I know that it is drugs that got me into this position, and for now I try and remember that drugs won’t get me out of it!

Day 5 - "Positive Reflection"

Tuesday, 28 November 2006 - Day 5 - "Positive Reflection"

I started this day much the same as I start most days. Aching! Which is funny because I don’t remember Day 5 bringing so much physical pain. I’m thinking it is because I know I’ll probably never take again – I can’t just quickly slip out and go and score which is probably making it hurt even more (mind over matter I keep telling myself). Besides the hurting, I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin – which is slowly irritating me and distracting me from my work. I really need a day off!

Perhaps it is best to keep busy – or look busy at work. I think that so much time alone will just invite the devil – and he and I have never been a good combination. I realize today that my mind is still trying desperately to convince me I need heroin. I keep getting these thoughts: how the only thing that will make the bone and muscle pain, the depression, insomnia, diarrhea and vomiting stop – is more heroin. So, it is not surprising that I normally cave on this day every time. But not this time, bloggers!

Can you tell I’m much more positive than the preceding four days? Well, if you can’t – I am! For the first time in ages I feel hopeful that I can beat this disease. My best friend (who I will refer to as GM) came to visit me today. Unfortunately because he is also a recovering heroin addict we are not allowed to see each other at the moment. That part has also been especially difficult for me. We used to do everything together. You name it and we overdid it. Now… we have to keep our distance. We both realize, though, it is for the best and we simply aren’t good for each other at this point.

This struggle of mine has been going on for the past year. I only recently found these blogs and have found amazing comfort in sharing my thoughts and feelings while I try and recover. The support I have out there, mostly in people I have never met gives me strength to try my best every day. I will always stay an addict, but at least now I’m a Recovering Heroin Addict!

Day 4 - "Apologizing"

Monday, 27 November 2006 - Day 4 - "Apologizing"

I am sitting at work, cluelessly staring at the computer screen. I’m trying desperately to concentrate on work but I can’t focus. Not on work anyway, the only thing that is in my mind is Heroin. But rest assured it isn’t overwhelming thoughts of taking again. I’m thinking of my life: what I’ve done to get here, what I’m going to do from here on. This overpowering feeling of guilt hovers in my mind. I’ve done so many wrongs I can’t imagine where to start to fix it.

It is Day four. I feel much better than yesterday both physically and emotionally. Mentally my mind is working overtime. One might start to think it is all over because the pain you feel is not as bad as it was in the beginning. It is at this time that my mind convinces me that everything will be okay if I only take one more time. Just one problem: I’m an addict, and I cannot stop! I know if I take just once I’ll be back at square 1. And believe me – my footprints are becoming a permanent feature on that square.

I’m on so much medication right now I find myself a bit detached at times. Yesterday (the day after the incident) I was barely spoken to in the tension filled house. Everybody is still mad – probably because I haven’t apologized. And because of the medicine I probably don’t look sorry either. The thing is - I’ve done it before… I’ve stood in front of them after disappointing them again. I acknowledged that I messed up and I promised never to do it again. But it is only a day or two before those promises lie forgotten and I take again.

This whole experience is this chaotic rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, week after week. This time I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t know how to show them that I’m sorry and that I’m really trying. Words out of this addict’s mouth have little meaning at this point. I guess all I can do is hope they’ll bare with me – while I show them this time is different than the other times!

Day 3 - "Better of Dead"

Monday, 26 November 2006 - Day 3 - "Better of Dead"

It is Day Three. I’ve found that it is one of the most difficult days to be at. My body is slowly starting to feel better – with the help of medicine, of course. My mind is still fighting against it. As the heroin slowly loses the grip it has on my life my mind fights tooth and nail, convinced that the only thing it needs is just another hit, just one more. Every time it feels like it is harder to let go.

My parents and I had a long conversation last night. They told me everybody would be better off if I’m dead. I’ve been told that before but nobody has ever made such a compelling argument. I stood there without saying a thing, I couldn’t argue because I knew it was true – they didn’t have to help me!

One of my friends died a few weeks back. The details of his death is still unclear to us all but we know one thing – it was his addiction to heroin that ultimately killed him. I remember his parents the weeks leading up to his death. They were total wrecks, when they weren’t mad at what was happening to their family they were crying because they were fast losing hope. I remember those looks well – it is much the same as the looks my parents have now. But his family is happier now, happier than ever, even after a death in the family. They don’t have their son slowly ripping their lives apart. They could actually live again for the first time in ages.

So, I look at the lifestyle I’ve forced apon my family, the staggering debt, the constant betrayal, the persistent lying. It seems the reasons to have me gone far outrank the ones to have me stay. I can’t let this go on for another day!

Day 2 - "Deja Vu"

Sunday, 25 November 2006 - Day 2 - "Deja Vu"

I’m hurting… badly. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t hurting right now. Physically it feels like the flesh is being ripped from my bones. I’ve got goose bumps all over my skin, I feel every thing, every bump and every one of them hurts. Emotionally I’m just about to quit. The tears keep coming and the reasons for them are abundant. I just came from a 40-minute ‘what a disappointment you are!’ session with the folks. Once again I stood by while my character was ripped apart by people hurting so badly, hurt that I caused and keep on causing by my actions.

They say I’m weak – and truthfully I can’t really argue. I cracked, gave up – once again – and tried to score. My mom and dad have learned some of the tricks, most of them by now and stopped me in time. And although I look back at the events of the past hour gratefully it did not come without its expense. I displayed just once again the kind of person I’ve turned into and the lengths I would go to for my drugs.

I ask myself: ”Why?”. Why is it that once more a Saturday, a week, a life is ruined by my selfish actions. For that moment, that brief moment where I have my love in my arm, I think only of myself. I do the stupidest things to the most loving people and for what? Why? To slowly kill myself – that is why! To feel good for a few minutes and bad for days. Where is the logic in that?

I sit here with regret for the things that I have done. For the things that happened just now or this morning, yesterday or last week. I sit here with genuine intention to change, to try harder this time, to not give in to this poison, again. But I say that with a sort of deja-vu to it because I’ve been here before many times, I’ve said it before many times. Just for today I really mean it!

Day 1 - "I remember"

Friday, 24 November 2006 - Day 1 - "I remember"

I remember a time when I woke up early in the mornings, energized and eager to start the day. I couldn’t wait to go to work and share my day with the same old faces and interesting new ones I would meet along the way. That was a time when I could come and go as I pleased with no question as to my actions or regret by me when they are done.

I remember money in the bank. It wasn’t much but it was there. I worked hard for it, every cent of it and I never stole a thing. It was a time when I had friends – real friends. Those that wanted to spend every moment with me because I was good conversation. Those that answered their phones when they saw your number because they knew you weren’t just using them or stealing from them. Those that weren’t ashamed to be seen with you in public.

I remember my mother and father. Two happy people who loved, trusted and respected me. Who slept at night because they didn’t worry about what their son was up to. Who cried when they saw a heartbreaking movie and not because they were hurt or disappointed yet again. I remember a brother who spoke to me like we were best friends and didn’t ignore me like the plague.

I remember a day a long time ago when I would never have used heroin. The thought of heroin or a needle - it was unthinkable. I remember that day because I was not relying on anybody to feel normal or happy or in control. I didn’t spend hours waiting for dealers just to have a moment of gratification. Cravings were for chocolates and I could handle my emotions.
Yes, I remember a life. I don’t know if I can ever have it again. But this is me trying... this is Day One!